Friday, November 30, 2007
Made it through Thanksgiving, it was only my parents, me and my husband...so no one around to ask dumb questions, just a nice quiet, peaceful dinner. Then I got lucky and didn't get called in to work- someone does like me :)
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Well Thanksgiving is only a few more days away....yippee! NOT...at least it will just be my parents and my husband this year so no awkward questions from the extended family of 'so when are you two going to have some kids' You know one of these days I am going to stop being nice and polite and just come out and say it and completely blow all of them away....I wish. No at Christmas, when everyone will be around, it will be the same as it is every year....I will smile and try to change the subject- no sense in making them feel as shitty as I do. Hell they don't even know that we HAVE been pregnant 3 times already....they don't know that we have lost 3 babies and that we, well okay, I have decided that we are most likely done trying for any more. They don't know that I am scared to death of becoming pregnant again and then loosing another baby....they don't know that my husband and I don't agree that we are done. My husband still thinks that we will try again next year. I feel guilty that if we don't try again I am letting him down, that I am letting my parents down. I feel like this decision that is in my best interest for health reasons is the wrong decision because my husband still wants to be a Dad to a living child. He tells me that I am a mother, I don't feel like one, I don't have anything to show for it but a broken heart and three statues in our front yard with dates on them they we light candles for...that isn't something great to show people- yes, these are my children. I hate the holidays...I wish that they would just be here faster then be over and done with, yes I am feeling better this year than I have for the past two years, I have actually have Christmas cards purchased...something that we haven't done in a very long time- but I do keep thinking that we should have a baby to be celebrating with and we don't, we won't, we can't. It isn't fair...I shouldn't be looking for things at Christmas to memorialize my babies that aren't here...but that is what I seem to be spending my time on lately, or trying to find projects for work for our bereavement department...something just doesn't seem right about that...but that is my life, like it or not, that is what I have been given and stuck with. Happy Holidays to me.....
Friday, November 16, 2007
Okay, I am finally back on track! It took a little bit, but I did it, I am back down to a reasonable loss...heading in the right direction! With Thanksgiving just a few days away I am glad, just needed to get over this hump and now I am back on the right path.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Well, I knew this was going to happen because I have not been so good this month- in fact I have been very bad and the lack of weight loss at my appointment this morning proved that, in fact I went up a pound. Oh, well, better luck from here on out. I did this to myself, no one else is to blame, I ate the crap and now I have to pay for it. But I am ready to get back to work and get back to getting the weight off.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Well the last few weeks have been kind of difficult, and I have to admit that I have not been the best at taking my meds or sticking to any kind of a diet. Somedays are better than others- it is not like I am overeating, sometimes I am not eating hardly anything at all, then I have had a few days that I wanted to eat tons of crap- didn't, just wanted to. I did binge and eat a handful of halloween candy the day after- but I have to say that I don't think it was to bad considering that is the first candy that I have really eaten in several months. I mean I have maybe had a small piece of chocolate in a great once in awhile, nothing like I used to...I really don't want any. I also had ice cream for the first time last week. You see the end of October was full of anniversaries- and not the good kind- October 19th should have been a due date, should have been on maternity leave....October 25th 2nd anniversary of our 1st loss....October 31st, helped with my first demise at work. Oh well, see the doctor next Monday, we will see what damage I did or didn't do.