Sunday, April 27, 2008
Anyway, my dear sweet husband made a video out of our photos from our handfasting/vow renewal that we did for our 10th wedding anniversary last summer. I guess you could saw this the wedding that we originally wanted 10 years ago, but weren't able to have for multiple reasons- needless to say it was beautiful, our friends were with us, our parents and it was an amazing day. I am posting the youtube video here to share with all of you- I wish that we did have a video of the entire ceremony because it was so beautiful and special- but I will forever remember the day in my heart- my circle of girlfriends helped make the day amazing and unforgetable- please enjoy- Brightest Blessings.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Okay, I am not the 'trekkie' in my home- that would be my husband- and even he isn't what would be considered a true 'trekkie'- but well the song can be used for many different aspect in ones life. If you know anything about 'Star Trek' if you weren't a main character and you got stuck wearing a red shirt in almost every classic episode you were sure to be the one that died. I guess you could say that my uterus, my eggs, my reproductive tract must be a sideline character wearing a red shirt caught in a classic 'Star Trek' episode.
From the time we (girls) are very young we are groomed for what we are supposed to do or be when we grow up. We are given baby dolls and told what 'good little mommies' we are when we rock them, feed them, change them, etc. I still have my collection of baby dolls- that was one of things that I knew I wanted in my 'grown up' life, I wanted to be a mom- when I first got the chance to start babysitting I jumped at the chance, when I got my first job it was taking care of an 18 month old every Friday and Saturday night, then I would also take care of her on Sundays because I also worked 9th grade through my Senior year at my church's nursery- I loved being around babies! Everyone always told me how great a mom I was going to be when grew up.
In Junior High we had a home ec class that I took for pretty one reason- we were going to have egg baby's during the course- I couldn't wait- I loved it- the point of the course was to teach us parenting skills and that being a parent at our ages really wasn't all that fun- it was a lot of work even it was just an egg- but again I was told by my instructor and many others that I was going to be a great parent one day.
Then in High School I took a course that was my favorite- we actually had preschoolers come in and we had to design activities and classes for them- their are pictures in my senior year book of me playing with them- I loved when it was class day with the kids- spending time with them was amazing. Also during High School we had the section where we had the flour sack babies- I went further (as did several of my other classmates) and I had a life-size baby doll that was filled with lead weights- I made birth announcements, had a crib in my room, everything- I took this course of the class very serious- my 'baby' went out to dinner with my family, to sunday school- freaked many of the blue hairs (she was life-size after all and wearing actual baby clothes) that several came up to me with horrified looks that I had fallen into 'that' crowd- I was not going to go to college- then they realized it was a doll and a school project- but then came the comments- one day I will be the perfect mom.
I became a nanny for two beautiful little boys for almost a year and a half before I got married- I loved it and dreamed about having my own children in the next couple of years. My favorite memories of being a nanny were in the being days (one of my sweet boys was a micropreemie and spent 95 days in the NICU, so I had his cousin by himself for about 2 1/2 months) where when it was hot and humid and we would sit outside on the porch reading and the sweet heart would fall asleep on my chest- I loved nap time when he was that little about 4 months old- watching him sleep- thinking how perfect he was, how lucky his parents where. When I would watch them at night I could spend hours just watching the boys sleep; listening to them breathe and sigh. Then I would dream of how life would be some day when I had children of my own one day.
Well, now life is life but definitely not as I had ever planned it- from every baby doll I have ever cuddled, every child that I have ever cared for, every adults comment about what a wonderful parent I would be- where did I do wrong- who did I piss off- what did I step on- why does my body not understand what it is supposed to do as a female?!
'Boldly going forward 'cause we can't find reverse.' Translation: Boldy going forward (Forced to face the future) 'cause we can't take back those thoughts (that we have plenty of time, we can wait until this is done, we can afford to have a baby, etc.) 'cause there just ain't a reverse for infertility.
'Lt. Uhura, report.There's Klingons on the starboard bow, [...] Jim.' Translation: I am sorry to report, there's endometriosis and scar tissue, (insert issue here) in the reproductive tract.
'Analysis, Mr. Spock. It's life, Jim, but not as we know it, [...]not as we know it, Captain.' Translation: Is there really one needed?
'Medical update, Dr. McCoy. It's worse than that, [...], Jim; [...]' Translation: That dreaded but come to be expected phone call from the RE, MD, or nurse after we have already caved and POAS and seen the BFN.
'Starship Captain, James T. Kirk:Ah! We come in peace, shoot to kill, [...];we come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, men.' Translation: What I believe my eggs say to my husband's sperm. Or for some of us I guess it could be the other way around.
'Star Trekkin' across the universe,Boldly going forward, and things are getting worse! Engine room, Mr. Scott:Ye cannae change the laws of physics, [...], Jim.' Translation: Try as we might somehow the laws of physics are against us.
'Ye cannae change the scripting, Och, see you, Jimmy!It's worse than that, it's physics, Jim. Bridge to engine room, warp factor 9. Och, if I give it any more she'll blow, Cap'n! Red Alert Red [...]Boldly going forward, still can't find reverse.' Translation: How much can we take physically or mentally before all the medical and science interference, timed intercourse, temping, charting, medicaiton, etc, drives us completely insane- we can't change what biology gave us sometimes no matter how much money or how hard we try we can't change the script of life; and the harder that we try, they longer that we try, sometimes I think our brains go into Red Alert because if we give it any more we'll blow- 'cause there just ain't a reverse for infertility.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Saturday hubby and I took the furry children to the vet for the annual torture of vaccinations- why is the annual torture- well about 3 years ago our older cat Anu (she will be 9 in September) had a bad reaction to her vaccines- so now she gets her vaccinations split up over a couple of weeks- well we have been bad parents and she got a little behind- well a lot behind- lots of excuses, none really that great- should have had her in a long time ago- but anyway, we are getting her taken care of now.
So she got her rabies yesterday and will be getting the other 3 over the next 3 Saturdays- then I feel really bad- no we don't brush the rugrats teeth- they get tarter control treats- dry food, etc. to keep their teeth in good shape, or so I thought- a few weeks ago Anu started getting picky about the treats (yes our children are very spoiled) she would eat- used to be she would eat whatever was but in front of her- she didn't want the crunchy treats- this wouldn't have been so bad except that our other child Boadicea(will be 3 next month) or Bo for short will ONLY eat crunchy treats- and then only certain treats at that- yes I have picky eaters- they both eat the same wet foods for breakfast and the same dry food throughout the day (again, my children are spoiled). Anyway, yes it did cross my mind that Anu's teeth might be bothering her, but she was still eating the dry food- so I thought 'no that can't be it- she must be getting picky like her sister' then last week she suddenly started eating the dry treats again- so I am thinking everything is fine- NOT! At the vet's this morning we find out that Anu's teeth are horrible! The vet barely touched her gums and they start to bleed- you can barely see the back teeth because the gums are so swollen- their are the beginnings of abscesses on the top portion of her gums- I feel like a horrible neglectful Mom! :( So Anu is scheduled to have a thorough teeth cleaning on May 6th- that is the soonest they could get her in for that- and trust me it is going to be too soon for Anu- she is not going to be happy- she is going to be pissed! We have to take her food away the night before-that is what is going to tick her off- Anu is not a petite little kitty- she is a nice plump princess- her weight yesterday was 14 lbs 7 oz- we have tried the diet thing- she does run around (or rather is chased around the house by her sister) but to no avail- she has at least maintained her weight- she has been between 13 and 14 for the last 3 to 4 years- she is going to be 10 years old next year- I say let her be plump and happy- she is healthy otherwise and will have clean teeth in a few weeks and will just love the new routine that we will be starting of brushing the kitties teeth 1-2 x a week after she heals from her cleaning- Dad trims the claws (neither cat will sit still for me to do it- and I admit that I am terrified that I will cut the claw to short and hurt them) so I will do the teeth and he will do the feet.
So, back to calling the physician in the middle of the night- after bringing the furry ones home from the shot adventure- Anu was acting fine- Bo on the other hand was acting completely traumatized by the whole ordeal- she ran outside and basically hugged the patio until she realized we weren't going to be taking her anywhere else (We used to take them with us over to my parents for family dinner on the weekends- but that has even stressed her out lately). So she comes in the house and immediately runs under our bed to hide- finally at around 9 pm I asked hubby if he had seen Bo recently- he answers 'No' but doesn't seem to concerned about it- I of course realize that I haven't seen her either- I have done my usual thing lately and have been asleep for most of the afternoon and have just been awake since 8 pm- I figured that if something was not right he would noticed and woke me up- WHATEVER- anyway we go looking for the furry one and she is still under the bed where she has been for the last 10 or so hours! So no fluids, no output nothing all day- not good! So we get her out from under the bed, she of course freaks out runs outside- now we have to coax her back inside- so after about 15-20 minutes of stressing her out further we get her back in the house, she looked like she just didn't feel good. I offered her some treats- she didn't want them- I put fresh water in their bowl and I poured her a cup of water (Bo loves to drink water, ice tea, milk and apple juice out of MY cups- not hubby's- just mine- again, our furry children are very spoiled) and she didn't want to have anything to do with either of them. So I laid her down in my lap so that she could get to the cup and she walked down to the foot of the couch and curled up by my legs and went to sleep. At about 12:30 am hubby comes over and checks on the monster and her ears on really hot- she is still lethargic and really, really sleepy- now I am even more nervous. Is she having a reaction like Anu did- is something else going on- why is this happening again?!
So I start googling pet health, cat fevers, etc. to see what if anything I can find to do at home or if I do need to take her to the vet- if I am freaking out (as usual) for nothing- human children react to vaccines- that is why we give them tylenol or advil- we just can't do that for cats- dammit there should be something that I can do- there just should be! So anyway I find this great website called 'justanswer.com' for a nominal fee I got to talk to (yes in real time at 2 am) an expert to get advice about my baby- ultimately I checked Bo's temp- the only thermometer that I have is the basal one- oh well, not using it any more for that reason any way- Bo had a temp of 106.1 F!
So time to call the on-call vet at 2:15 am - luckily it was the same vet that had seen her and given her the vaccines 14 hours earlier, so he remembered who she was- and he sounded very awake, more so than many other physicians that I have called at that time- and he was much nicer too. So off to the vet we go in the middle of the night to get medication/treatment for the cat. Vet met us at the clinic which happens to be very near the hospital we also use- temp with a regulation thermometer (need to get one of those for kitty first aid kit) was 105.8 F! Lungs were clear, ears still good, eyes clear- so vet believes that fever and general ickies are just from the vaccines- since she was recently so sick (February) her immune system is just still a little out of whack and is reacting or over-reacting to the vaccines. So he gave fluffy some oral meds for the fever and the aches (sounds kind of like a pain reliever type med like tylenol or advil- something along those lines), I get to re-check her temp around 7 or 8 this morning and give the vet a call to update him on the progress- hopefully Bo's temp will be coming down, or we get to go back for more meds and possibly an injectable anti-inflammatory for the reaction- then she will be even more traumatized and upset with me than she is currently is- I just hope this time she uses the litter box- last time she was not feeling well she peed where ever she currently was sitting or laying- usually on my lap (on a blanket) I did so much laundry those 2 weeks and I still can't get the smell out of the couch- so now the joke is we have a pee couch- I have used everything- PetGold, Febreeze, Resolve, some new product that is supposedly for pet odors- the couch still smells like pee- or at least I think it does- no one else has said anything, so either I am smelling things (and I really am that neurotic) or people are being nice and ignoring it- I don't know- I am trying to do the ignoring part of it.
So, see, we are doing just dandy without human children- we have our hands full with the two four-legged furry girls that we already have.
- They wake us up promptly at 8 am every morning for breakfast- don't need alarm clocks.
- They remind us when we haven't eaten- because that means that they haven't had any treats in awhile.
- They keep us company in the bathroom, whether we are using the toilet, the shower, or the sink- they supervise to make sure it is all done correctly.
- They comfort us when we are sad- they just know when we are sick or had a bad day- a kitty kiss or cuddle does make a lot of stuff better.
- They get cranky when they haven't had a nap.
- They fight with one another for attention- yes our cats have sibling rivalry.
- They cost just as much or more than human children between food, treats, litter, toys, bedding, vet visits...pet insurance is looking better and better all the time.
- They have just as many toys that we are continuously tripping over.
- They usually have more fun with the wrapping paper, tags, or the box than the toy itself.
- They talk back, cry and whine, argue- you name it they do it.
So, hubby and I may be human childless- but we aren't 'childless' we have two beautiful girls- Anu, Daddy's Girl, is a gorgeous grey tiger stripe short hair that loves to burrow and cuddle- especially when dad is working on the computer or paying attention to me- she gets a little jealous when the attention isn't all on her. Boadicea, My Love bug, is a beautiful tortoise shell long hair that loves to be anywhere that I am- she has a bit of separation anxiety- but she is just so cute and fluffy and cuddly that I usually don't mind have her climb all over me. She knows when I am feeling down and need a hug- and she loves to play- at times we think she may have a bit of ADD- but that's okay by me.
Well, hopefully she is somewhere sleeping with her temp going down- I can't sleep- but hey it is almost 6 am, what is the point now- it will soon be time to get up and get moving for the day- and I believe my love bug has awakened and is actually eating!!! Yeah- hopefully when I check her temp in a couple of hours it will be much better. Then I can get some sleep. ;)
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
I have been off of work for almost 3 months now, my long term disabilty will be kicking in in a few weeks, so at least I will get some kind of a 'paycheck' for a few weeks because here is the kicker- if I don't return to work by May 10th which is just a few weeks after LTD kicks in I loose my job because my 12 weeks of FMLA will have run out. Then I guess that we will have to figure out how to pay for COBRA until I find something that I am able to do safely.
My husband keeps telling me how horrible it makes him feel that I am walking away from nursing- I am walking away from my dream, from the degree that worked my ass off to get- the degree that I about killed myself to get. I guess that is also where I am confused- I don't care that I am walking away from it- the only thing that I miss right now are my coworkers- I don't want to go back to the trauma and drama that goes with my job. I don't want to see the hurt, the death, any of it. Maybe when I start seeing the shrink I will feel better- who knows.