Thursday, July 31, 2008

career ended?

It is scary to realize when watching a tv show that your life long dream, your career terrifies the hell out of you when you realize or believe that what used to make you happy scares you to tears.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Big and Scary- Thank the Goddess for Friends

This morning I had the biggest, I mean the biggest out of control anxiety, panic attack or whatever you what you want to call it- it went to the point of me having suicidal thoughts and expressions, and express them is what I did.
Currently I am exhausted from the days events; I at one point believed that I was going to be admitted inpatient to be protected from myself or keep my husband from freaking out completing. I asked him to contact my psychiatrist this morning for help because I was at a loss- I knew that I was past helping myself and was scared of what I might do if left alone.
I was taken by one of my friends from circle to a woman today that is both a psychic and has a psychology background. I was taught to ground among other things. It was a beautiful experience, one that I will never forget or regret.
Now, am just tired for the night, embarrassed about scaring my friends and family, and confused. No I am not going to hurt myself- I am just tired.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008


i tried to play some of my really old piano pieces today to help me to relax- well.... i couldn't or wasn't able to play them. it actually scared me, these are pieces that i have played for over 10 years, some memorized and now it is like they are brand new to me? i don't understand- i don't like this, i don't like this at all.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Miracles can and do happen!

I just got a message from one of my original circle of infertility friends! She is pregnant!!!!!! I am so very happy for her, she has been through so much, trying to adopt- and now she is blessed with a baby, her own baby- bless the goddess! Congrats Jenny- I mean it with all of my heart and soul!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I hurt my back- it sucks!

But only when they don't make you feel like your really good- I be on drugs now..... I did something to my back it sucks- it hurts, spent the day with my Dad. Actually wasn't bad because of the drugs

I am and my back still hurts but I don't give a rats ass- oh yeah filter broken........

Monday, July 7, 2008


Last night, well yesterday actually dh had to call my parents for the first time to get away from me. I actually drove my dh away, not permanently luckily, but enough that he had to get me away from him for a time or risk leaving. My manic episodes have increased, so my psych and I are trying to adjust my abilify dose to the correct dose for me, right now I go from mania to anxiety which basically means go, go, go, go then all of a sudden I am exhausted and need a nap or 'crash'. So that is where I am at this time. Hopefully something changes, or gets a little better, or a little more livable.