tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80942215984725098002024-02-06T18:56:33.023-07:00MY JOURNEY TO ME....This blog originally started out to chronicle my journey as I lost weight and became a happy, <br>healthier person. Well along this journey I've learned a lot about myself- and this blog has <br>changed as well-Infertility, Living without Children, ADHD, Depression, Bipolar Type 2 with <br>OCD TendenciesMY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.comBlogger205125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-67281641814150868742018-06-03T01:00:00.000-06:002018-06-03T01:00:06.255-06:00Time Stands StillI have a new hair color, starting to get a newer looking body, wearing clothes that I have always wanted to; but was too concerned with how others would see me. The new hair color- blue/black, the new body- finally starting to lose weight, now I just need to figure out how to stop sabotaging myself at every turn. Those are quite a few changes for someone who isn't always up for a lot of change, my new way of looking at things is this, if I really wanted it and it is attainable, then do it! This isn't going so well in all aspects of my life. Lately, I have started having horrible thoughts or name calling when I see a pg woman. Fortunately I'm not feeling those particular feelings regarding my family members that are currently pg, I think happy thoughts about them and can't wait for babies to get here in the next couple of months. There just seems to be an outbreak, that I will forever be immune too, of pg. Maybe it is all the graduations, pre-school, Kindergarten, Elementary, Middle, High School and College. I'm so very happy for all of my family and friends that have children and/or grandchildren, nieces, nephews, whatever that are ending one journey and starting the next. Children's lives have been so disrupted lately; 20 school shootings in the last 5 1/2 months. Children don't just have storm, fire, earthquake drills; they now also have 'Active Shooter' drills so that the littlest of littles know what shelter in place means- people are trying to figure out how to make desks bullet proof, safe rooms that can not only stand up to an F5 tornado, the enclosure itself is completely unbreachable and bulletproof- bonus feature- it can hold up to 60 to 80 children.
Time Heals All Wounds- BULLSHIT!It will be 26 years on July 11 and September 23; and it still feels like it was yesterday. We lost our daughter, Brierley Isabel, 13 years ago, on October 25, she would be 12 years old on July 1. Our son, Henry Philip, was lost 12 years ago on July 5, he would have been 11 on March 8. We lost our second daughter, RuthAnn, 11 years ago, she would be 11 on October 19. Our third daughter, Olivia Grace, was lost 10 years ago on December 19, should would have been 9 on August 22. And last, but not at all the least, we lost our fifth and final child, our fourth daughter, Lillian 'Lily' Rose, 6 years ago on January 7, she would be 6 years old on July 26. I have other dates that go through my mind, happy thoughts like my Sweet Hunny Bunny proposed to me on July 5, 22 years ago, we will have been married for 21 years on June 21. Why can't time slow down sometimes so we can have a chance, the time, to process these moments in our lives; both happy and sad. When will I be happy again? Will I be happy again? Can I be happy again.
How many more baby showers will I miss? I'm truly happy for the two family members that are expecting, I can't wait until little Princess Charlie Lee and Mr.BBK (Baby Boy Kasel)arrive over the next few months. Little Charlie Lee, I will probably never meet as she is currently residing in Boston, or if/when I get to see her in person she won't be a cuddly little baby- I know there will be tons of instagram, FB, YouTube pics; maybe that is why I'm not freaking out about her, she is so far away. Mr.BBK on the other hand is about 10 minutes away, which as soon as I found out that he was coming I have been over the moon- I can't wait to meet this little man and hopefully be in his life. I don't want it to be because my husband and I are now the crazy great aunt and uncle that my cousins and I have always had. I want him to know me, sleep in my arms, steal my heart.
When will I not have to excuse myself so no one sees me cry.
MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-86920660371120532502018-04-26T14:47:00.001-06:002018-04-26T14:47:45.207-06:00It's Been A While....I haven't been keeping up on my blog as much as I used to, at one point in time. Many things have happened in the 5 years; surgeries, falls, hospitalizations, babies (not mine), crocheting, bumps, bruises, blood, etc.. I am now a type 2 diabetic, insulin dependant, still trying to become healthier- both physically and mentally. So much has happened in our government, we have an idiot for a president; we have lost so many young people in school shootings and mass tragedies. In the last few years Richard and I have reluctantly decided it was actually for the best that our children didn't survive for there is so much heartache, death, bullying in our world that we wouldn't want to put our children in that position, ever.prkygthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03653537061268655529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-63749658444877728472014-02-10T14:51:00.001-07:002014-02-10T14:51:21.887-07:00Understand, but still hurts.Today's not a good day really horrible headache I know a lot to deal with right now. Hubby admitted that sometimes he wants to be away from me and right now is one of those times. I understand, I really do; sometimes I don't want to have to deal with me either. I know he feels like he does everything in the house, out of the house, everything. I can't even remember the last time we were intimate. We cuddle briefly at night, but before either of us fall asleep, he turns onto his back or his left side and then I roll onto my right side and that is it. I wish he could get away sometime, but with his work schedule he can't do that. He told me is looking forward to Summer as I will probably go camping with my parents for up to a week; a break for both of us. <div>Even though I understand, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. </div>MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-49670840820129502122013-10-17T12:01:00.003-06:002013-10-17T12:01:48.830-06:00Thinking and Procrastinating Two days ago was October 15th, the national day of remembrance for pregnancy, infant, stillborn, SIDS and child loss awareness day. It is also referred to as the 'Wave of Light' as everyone who has had a loss, knows someone that has had a loss, anyone that cares; internationally at 7 pm in your time zone we light a candle(s), release lanterns- participants are only asked to light a candle(s) starting at 7 pm and let it burn until 8 pm. If there was a way to do it, it would be awesome to see the 'Wave of Light' as it reaches 7 pm in all the different time zones, I think that it would be beautiful. My parents not only lit their own candle, they came over to our house to see the Lotus Blossom Lanterns that we had and to record and watch the lantern fill with hot air, and then watch it as it left mine and Richard's hands. We watched as it quickly rose and floated away- it was beautiful and healing in a way that I never thought would be. Things have changed with my parents and a few other family members as well. Richard and I openly talk about our Angels, by their names or nicknames. It doesn't feel as awkward to do so with my parents like it used to. I don't know who in my family knows anything, about our infertility troubles, about our losses, that these were and are our children and no, I am not going to have a psychotic break or even a panic/anxiety attack if my family talks about their children or mine. Most of my family and Richard's parents (We have no idea who knows what, or if they know anything at all) knew about our last pregnancy as we were far enough along that we were comfortable in making an official announcement, we knew this would be our one and only pregnancy where that was possible. Only problem with that (and announcing on Face Book) was then we had to do a mass announcement that we had miscarried again and there would be no baby coming July 26, 2012.<br />
During the winter holidays in 2010, I thought that I had finally 'come to terms' (I hate that phrase, btw) with this is how are life was going to be, that we wouldn't have children spying under the tree looking for that elusive glass pickle ornament that meant they got to play Santa and hand out presents. I found a beautiful, fragile Boyd's Bears cookie plate and mug set for Santa that we had purchased back in 2008 on a weekend trip to McCall. I have always tried to not have anything baby related (crib, clothes, etc) in the house, I saw it as bad luck and then what happens when we lose another baby and the nursery is set up for no one. But something felt special about the set and we both agreed we needed to buy it now as it is something that won't be there to buy when we are ready. 2010 was the first time we put up the tree AND decorated it (the tree was put up the year that we bought it, it sat with no lights, no decorations and I couldn't get it out of the house fast enough), I wanted this event to bring me peace, I envisioned the house lights turned out and sitting with Richard the only lights around are the faint glow of the outside Christmas lights and the beautiful white lights on the tree. I had heard from several of the people in my support groups that this was also what they had done, they along with their significant other decorated for the first time in a year or so, they had special ornaments for their Angel(s) and when they were done, they sat back with their loved one, holding each other as they looked at their beautiful tree, they sat there together and cried softly thinking of what precious memories that they had, taking a moment for themselves without family and friends asking questions or them questioning you about things you aren't ready to talk about, things that are private or special only to themselves. Our tree was very beautiful that year, and it made me happy, it was difficult at times, but I was glad that we had done it, maybe, just maybe, we were finally accepting the hand dealt to us. 2011, we were expecting one last little miracle and were having difficulty with doctor's, testing, etc...we were both stressed out, we didn't put the tree up because we just didn't have the time and we were worried about Sprout. Watching my cousins and their children at the family Christmas get together was great, Richard and I kept glancing at each other as it was still just our secret- I hadn't told my Mom or my best friend. We kept thinking that next Christmas we would have a 5 month old that would be the ohh's and ahh's at the party. Christmas Eve we let our parents know that they were going to be grandparents the end of July 2012. I was also excited because my cousins from Oklahoma and Indiana and their kids would be here in Idaho around the 4th of July...so close to our delivery date- I was so happy to share this with my cousin.<br />
Last year I was back to were I had been before, I didn't care about the tree, the lights, the decorations- I just wanted it all over with, packed up and gone.<br />
Now, here we are, 2013...the deal has been made with Richard and my Mom, Richard will decorate outside as he does every year, he will put the tree up and string it with lights. Then, it is my turn, he brings all the boxes into the living room- just seeing the towers of ornaments, decorations and whatnot is very overwhelming to me. My Mom has made the deal with me that if we get the tree up and lit, she will come over and help me decorate it. I am also going to ask her to help me consolidate all the Christmas stuff so not every box has to come inside. Well, I think this is good for now, I have things that must get done before our Halloween Party on Saturday. Will write more later, I want to have it in writing somewhere the meanings and reasoning's behind our little one's names. prkygthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03653537061268655529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-46930795770023358332013-06-02T16:53:00.001-06:002013-06-02T16:53:11.024-06:00Return To Zero and other thoughts...There is a new movie that has yet to have a release date, that is because this movie is the story, the true story, of a subject that no one wants to talk about, think about, admit that it happens because then the whole ugly truth will rear its very ugly head. And, that huge elephant in the middle of the room will have to be addressed, and we all know that no one wants to have to do that. It is so much easier to keep it all in a dark corner that when talked about is nothing more than a very low hush so that no one will hear you, be offended, be hurt, have to face the truth. This movie that I truly hope will make it passed the critics is called <a href="http://www.returntozerothemovie.com/">'Return To Zero'</a> it is the story of a family and the devastation that losing a baby can have on that family. It is based on a true family, it could be the story of many families I know, it could be my family's story.<br />
The first time I remember hearing of someone losing a baby was when I was 7 or 8 years old. I had been with my Grandmother all day while my Mom was at work, when my Mom came to get me I overheard her talking with my Grandmother about a co-worker that had lost their baby. I don't remember the circumstances of the loss, the age of the baby, none of that, what I do remember was that there was an old plastic corsage box, I thought that I was being helpful by suggesting that I could put some pretty flowers in it and Mom could give it to her friend because it looked like a coffin. I don't really remember what was said by anyone, but I vaguely remember the reaction of both my Mom and my Grandmother, they weren't completely horrified by what their child/grandchild had just suggested, they were more afraid of what I had heard and tried to explain why my gift was thoughtful, it just wasn't appropriate. I remember being a little confused by that, someone died and I just happen to have this nice box that reminded me of a coffin, wasn't that where they put someone who had died? Was it different with babies? Why was it so hush, hush? The corsage box was thrown away, we went home and didn't talk about it ever again.<br />
Like most little girls I had always dreamed that I would grow up, get married and have babies! I had been told at the age of 18 that I would most likely have difficulty conceiving, but it really wasn't a problem, I would just have to take some medication and everything would be fine, besides I was only 18, had no boyfriend, no prospects and most of all, I had time on my side. Fast forward about 3 years, I am now married, but we wanted to wait a few years before starting our family. My ObGyn suggested I try the DepoProvera injections as I hated taking pills, would forget to take my pills and the Depo would prevent the ovarian cysts that I had become prone to, it would also help with my irregular, extremely heavy and painful cycles. It sounded perfect. Looking back I wish I had chosen something else, I didn't get all the information about the Depo, this was partly due to the fact it had not been out on the market all that long so no one knew all of the information about the medication. The Internet wasn't like it is now, if I had had access and the forethought I would have researched the Depo and maybe found that people who had taken it long term (a year or more- I was on it for almost 3 years) were having difficulty with their cycles being irregular and/or delayed up to a year AFTER stopping the Depo. At times I blame myself for not trying to find out more information, for blindly trusting my MD that this was the best option. When we did decide that we were ready to stop the Depo so that we could start planning to start our family. After a small mishap with the MIL we did eventually stop the Depo in March of 1999; my cycle finally returned in November 1999, but it was more screwed up than it had been prior to the Depo, now it appeared that my body wasn't ovulating at all, but we were reassured that this is what can happen with the Depo (now they know) and we will stick with the same plan- fertility medications and we would be pregnant in no time at all- okay, we could go with that. Changing jobs between me and Richard, me deciding to finally go back to nursing school; we both decided that we had waited this long, what was another 2-3 years? Fast forward again...2003, I have one year left of nursing school and finally the waiting would be over! Instead of getting excited about finally starting our family excuse after excuse came up to wait just a little bit longer- get a better job, be at better job for a few months so the stress of orientation and nursing wouldn't be so overwhelming, just another month and I would have benefits. First road block, November 2004 I developed a blood clot in my leg and one in the base of each lung- I have to take Coumadin for the next 6 months to treat this...Coumadin is Category X for pregnancy pharmaceuticals, basically the two DO NOT mix and it is believed that the blood clots were caused by extra estrogen in my system from the years of hormone replacement therapy that I had been given over the last decade in the attempts to save my fertility by keeping the ovarian cysts at bay so that I wouldn't develop further scar tissue and further damage from the endometriosis that had been developing on my reproductive organs over the last several years; now as a precaution I could no longer take/use estrogen based birth control and being on the Coumadin we were given explicit instructions to prevent pregnancy at all costs. In December 2004 I developed one of my famous ovarian cysts, it didn't require surgery at that time, but we would need to keep an eye on it- hoping that it resolved on its own. By April 2005 the cyst had grown and become more painful, so the decision was made to surgically remove the cyst and the endometriosis, check on abdominal adhesions and other scar tissue, there was also the possibility that the right ovary may need to be removed. Although we had discussed it, Richard did not want me to sign the consent form, he didn't want to lessen our chances of having a baby. I thought that if the ovary was going to be a continuing problem, causing more scar tissue, ultimately causing us to not be able to have a baby, the way I looked at it was that we were being left with at least one functioning ovary. Instructions were given to the surgeon that the ovary would only be removed if absolutely necessary, consents were signed, surgery performed, ovary stayed. In May 2005 we finally made a firm decision that we would start to try in September 2005- my orientation would be finished, I would be comfortable in my new job, I would have benefits. Yet another road block...I lost my new job because they weren't comfortable with my latex allergy and the possible liability to the hospital (what I got for working for a privately owned hospital). So, yet again, what's another couple of months, we've waited this long...luckily for us mother nature finally decided to intervene, that and the surgery 5 months earlier got everything cleaned out and ready for an occupant. I can still remember waking up that September morning and realizing that my cycle hadn't started and that I was feeling a little different, I woke Richard up and told him what was going on, he thought that I was being crazy, but he humored me, retrieved my Maternal Nursing textbook and looked up pregnancy symptoms...as he went down the list I kept checking off symptoms. He still didn't believe that this could be happening, he came home with a HPT (home preg test) that evening....because we wanted to do it right we waited until the first thing the next morning, you know, the hormones are supposed to be more concentrated first thing in the morning...that night seemed to take forever! I finally made it to about 6 am, and then we waited for what seemed like forever...when you are waiting to see those 2 pink lines 3 minutes seems like hours! When the time was finally up we were both a little afraid to look, I think we were not sure how to react either way...finally I picked it up and at first I thought that it was a BFN (big fat negative), but then I looked a little closer and there really were 2 pink lines...they were faint, but they were actually there! I made Richard look at too, just to be sure that I wasn't imagining that they were there- he saw them too, our first BFP (big fat positive), it was really happening! We kept our secret between the 2 of us for as long as we could- we did the math and discovered that this little Angel was going to be due on my Mom's birthday and just days before my MIL's birthday; what was so special about this was that my Mom was born on her Grandmother's 50th birthday and she had always talked about how special that was for her to share her birthday with her Grandmother, Richard and I couldn't think of anything better than to be able to tell our Mom's what we 'got' them for their birthdays next year...our little Angel got her name in honor of some very special Grandmothers- Richard's biological Grandmother's last name would be her first and my Great-Grandmother (who I am named after, who shared her birthday with her Granddaughter and soon her Great-Great-Granddaughter) provided the middle name- Brierley Isabel. <br />
She was and always will be our first, our little Angel that we never thought would become an Angel quite so quickly. There is much more to her story, it plays every so often over and over again in my head when it is quiet and my thoughts slow down as well. What I will leave this entry with is a beautiful dream I once had during the short but wonderful time we had Brierley with us....On a beautiful late Summer day at sunset in the middle of a meadow of wildflowers I see the silhouette of a little pixie of a girl running through the meadow, as she runs countless white butterflies fly up around her, slowly she turns around, looking back at me and smiles. She had the fairest skin with freckles on her sun kissed cheeks, green eyes and beautiful curls of red shining in the fading sunlight. I don't know if this was what was meant to be or where she is now, either way I smile and am saddened at the same time...I am happy that I got this rare glimpse of my sweet daughter, I just wish it would stay a little longer, maybe just long enough to touch her, hold her to my heart, just once.prkygthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03653537061268655529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-88907591333646232102013-04-26T00:11:00.001-06:002013-05-09T17:53:58.436-06:00Ramblings In My HeadCan't sleep, but what's new? Have been trying to get the house and yard cleaned up an presentable as we have a group of friends coming over for a potluck/BBQ on Saturday. I have not been feeling well, again, what's new? I have made lists, wrote out schedules for what to do each day...these have redone again and again the past 2 weeks, the majority of it has not been done, nor will it be done before 3pm Saturday. And kinda to a pointI really don't give a shit. My parents are also having a garage sale tomorrow and Saturday. I have been collecting items from around the house- kitchen towels, crocheted pot holders, cookbooks and the like, went through my hope chest, shared some nice memories with Richard as went through some wedding stuff, cried with other memories and baby items that were gifted many years ago...items that no longer belong in the hope chest as they will never be used by us. Also getting rid of infertility/fertility/pregnancy books and such, hoping that they find a new home and will be of good use. Mom and Dad cleaned out the attic and had 3 large boxes and 2 suitcases of stuff for me to go through...that was a lot of fun! Reading old notes from Jr High, postcards from Grandparents and some odds and ends from childhood. Found items that I had thought were long gone 20-30 years ago- yearbooks from grade school, wool bag from Austria, handmade baby blankets and doll clothes. It was hard to go through it all, see it priced for someone to buy. Richard was getting frustrated because I 'had' to go through everything, yes it took some time, but I couldn't just blindly throw it away or put in a box to sell, some of it is important and I want to keep. So most of it is going to be put into my hope chest or with other keepsakes in other closets in the house. prkygthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03653537061268655529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-67190562825208191392012-05-11T18:08:00.001-06:002013-05-09T14:02:38.624-06:00One of the hardest jobs you'll love....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Yes, believe it or not, this department, these parents, these fragile little lives...they all made me feel alive. Holding their tiny little hands, feet, holding them for a feeding of less then 5 ml (1 tsp). This was my most rewarding job that I have had, that I will have as I am now on disability. During Nurse Awareness Week that happens to coincide with National Infertility Awareness Week. I hope that people don't have to go through any of this, but if you did, have, or are thank a nurse, give her or him a hug.<br />
If you know someone that is going through IF, give them a hug to let them know that they aren't alone, ever. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3prkygthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03653537061268655529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-57557984832951478722012-05-05T20:20:00.001-06:002012-05-05T20:20:43.345-06:00Sometimes life just absolutely sucks! And the sucky part is that eveyone around you makes you feel like it is all your fault. I am having that day today.<br />
I am the horrible bitch for being upset that a friend is pg and I NEVER will be- I signed the consent form, it was my choice to destroy my fertility.<br />
I have headaches, again apparently my fault. I have to turn down invitations to get togethers, and again this is my fault- if I didn't have the headache we would still be going. DH made obligation to go so at least he hast to go and leave me at home feeling like shit.<br />
My 'girlfriends' that I have had for decades suddenly stop calling me, yet sends copy of email inviting everyone else to event this weekend, Yet if I were to say anything then I would be the bitch for pointing anything out....after all being sick and in pain is all my fault in the firstlprkygthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03653537061268655529noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-23290099795323675152012-05-05T12:54:00.003-06:002012-05-05T13:00:49.364-06:00Today was yet another reminder that I am not as far along on this journey as I thought that I am. DH txted me to tell me that a friend of ours that had also experienced a loss recently was now pregnant. Even now as I type this I am bursting out in tears. I am truly happy for them, I just wish that my emotions show this. I hate that the hormones are so screwed. I can't take back my choice, I know I made the right choice, it just hurts so intensely some days that we really won't ever be parents to a living child....only to 5 Angels, 5 beautiful little Angels that I will hold only in our dreams....sometimes I hate waking up. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3prkygthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03653537061268655529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-71086619674896361202012-03-10T12:30:00.004-07:002012-03-10T15:09:05.481-07:00An End to a Journey....In 11 days a journey that started 8+ years ago by 2 people who love each other very much will finally come to an end. <br />This end is permanent and there is and will be no way to turn back the hands of time. Yes, we have thought about what we will be doing, we have been discussing it with my OB/GYN since 2007, yes, 5 years. Part of why we never followed through was financial reasons, we had always thought that we would use part of our tax returns to pay for the surgery and something would come up every year and it would be swept aside with the hopes of having it done next year. We also kept putting it off as we weren't really ready to stop ttc, not deep down in our heart of hearts or in our head. When we became pregnant in 2008 we were scared yet hopeful that this would be the one, sadly we all know that that was not to be, and we again discussed future plans with the OB/GYN and gave him the tearful answer that we were done, we can't go through this again, 4 times was more than enough for the pain and heartbreak that came with each loss. But again, finances ruled the decision. Even when I ended up in the ER in 2010 with a large ovarian cyst and the same discussion with my OB/GYN, what were our plans for the next 3, 5, 10 years in regards to a family. Again a tearful answer from myself that we were done, as soon as we could afford to have the procedures we would let him know. His answer was always the same, take the time to think about it and when we were ready give him a call and he would get it on the schedule.<br />After 3 years of not conceiving we thought that we were safe, well, the story has been told that yes, we had a very Happy Halloween last year. I haven't charted my cycles for over 4 years, but I went to the site just for the heck of it, plotted my info on my graph and yes their info came back that it had been my fertile time...but we had tried for years with the stupid charting and without medications or interventions nothing happened and now 4 years later we are successful on our own?! I had this discussion with Richard and he of course we skeptical, can you blame him? So the waiting happened and we both agreed that we wouldn't get ahead of ourselves, we weren't going to tell anyone (other than essential medical personnel) AND we weren't going to get hopeful or excited....yeah, right. I had behind his back started looking at baby furniture, figured out when we were due (July 26th) and started to research my medications to see what was safe and what needed to go. We also had the discussion that 'see if we had had surgery we wouldn't be getting this one last chance.' When we did finally tell people, everyone had the same concerns, what was going to happen to me emotionally should something go wrong. I understood their concerns, I had them myself, but each day, each week that passed, the further along we got the more relaxed or calm I became with the idea that we were really finally pregnant, we were finally having our family. I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I dreamed of my labor and delivery, I dreamed of holding our sweet Angel in my arms, finally getting that new baby smell, seeing my parents, Richard's parents holding their first and only grandchild. When we found out that we had lost this sweet baby I held my emotions in check (or so I thought I did) and tried to tell myself, it was for the best, the medications that I take were harmful, this wasn't meant to be. Richard and I weren't meant to be parents to living children, just cats. <br />Thoughts of my upcoming surgery is causing me to be in a manic cycle, it is messing with my sleeping, my daily functions, just messing with my life in general. I know that this surgery needs to be performed for multiple medical reasons, this surgery will hopefully make me feel better. I am trying to find all the positives of having surgery, maybe I will be able to focus more on myself in a good way and can finally get some (a lot) weight off, I won't have to worry about hormone issues (one ovary is being left for this purpose), maybe my headaches will get better. But I am afraid that I will fill empty inside and it will be my doing, I signed the consent form. I also know that we (me, Richard, our family) can't go through another pregnancy or another loss. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought that it would be this difficult to have a family, a living family. We never knew that our marriage would be filled with heartbreak, we always imagined at least one little one running around, chasing cats, fishing with Opa and baking with Oma. I saw them running around at the holidays at family get-togethers with the other cousins. This past Christmas all the cousins were there and it was magical watching them play, all the while Richard and I were still keeping our little secret, but we smiled at each other knowing that next year our 5 month old would be the ohh's and ahh's of everyone. My parents looking on proudly at their new grandbaby. <br />I know this has been a roller coaster to hell and back for all of us, I am more than ready to get off this ride and never get back on. I want us all to be able to heal, hold memories in our hearts, but also not be angry, disappointed, cheated, heartbroken. I know that some of these feelings won't ever go away, they will be reinforced every time a baby cries, a pregnant belly crosses our path (yes, it is almost like having a black cat cross your path). What I have tried to see when in these situations, I don't know these women's situations, I don't know if they have suffered and are scarred by infertility. Knowing these things have made it much easier (at times) to see these women- but I do have to admit that the ugly IF bitch in me rears its ugly head and things falls out of my mouth before I have a chance to filter it, luckily I do have volume control and nothing has ever been said directly to their faces or at a volume that is easily heard by anyone not standing directly beside me. <br />I realize that this post is full of a lot of ramblings, I am currently medicated for everyone's safety (I have a migraine and cramps from HELL) ;) I haven't written in such a long time that I had several things to get off my chest. I am nervous and scared, I am having horrible dreams that when the doctor goes in for the biopsy (one of the first procedures being done) that he is going to find that,'OH SHIT! She really is pregnant!' I know that I am not, but Richard has had these same dreams. I think this is happening because we would rather find that out than to be told we will never be pregnant again, and the surgery went well. I know that everything will go the way that it should, there will be no complications other than emotionally. I think that besides the surgery itself that is what I am afraid of most, regretting my choice as there is no going back, there is no option like a tubal ligation or a vasectomy, this is permanent, there is no going back should we change our mind a few years down the road. As I am having my last cycle prior to surgery, dealing with the intense cramping, the emotional roller coaster, the other crap that goes along with AF I am to a point relieved that this time next month it won't be happening, it won't be happening ever again. And then at another point, I am reminded at just how final this is going to be, I will never be pregnant ever again meaning, we will never go through losing another life that we held so dear, we will never miscarry again. We had unofficially/officially come to terms with the fact that we are a part of that percentage, that group that will live childless or childfree. Neither of us really like either of those terms, yes it describes our lives, but what we have put in is that we are childless due to biology, not by choice. Childfree to us sounds more like a decision that was made by a couple that never intended to have children EVER...don't get me wrong, I have nothing against these people, it is their choice. Childless sounds like attempts were made to have a family and for whatever reason biology was not on their side, resources were exhausted, the way Richard and I feel was that we weren't given a choice in the matter, no matter who hard we tried, the hoping, the praying, the dreaming- biology was just not on our side. <br />The 5 pregnancies will be forever cherished, milestones reached in pregnancy will be fondly remembered. With this last pregnancy I kept a journal, something that I had thought of doing with each previous journey. I have gone back and looked at my entries, I have made a few entries following our loss. I believe that I will probably make a few more entries in the upcoming days leading up to surgery and some following just to track my feelings. I will probably make an entry or two in July around the due date and then maybe even as we pass the first set of anniversaries this year and next. The first ones are always the hardest, especially when this is the last time we will have a set of firsts. In a way knowing that is a blessing yet also a curse, a blessing knowing that future anniversaries will be a little easier with each passing year, a curse knowing that we will never have another, ever.MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-67419725459163996112012-02-14T13:47:00.002-07:002012-02-14T13:56:35.039-07:00Finally doing it...Yup, went to the doctor this morning and had my consultation and am now scheduled to have the Novasure procedure, along with a laundry list of other procedures. I will be doing this on March 21st, the procedures will all take about an hour to an hour and half and then I get to go home to recover...that being as long as now complications as I am at a little higher risk due to my bleeding issues and then the Novasure procedure can puncture the uterus- oops.<br />I am a little nervous that I am finally doing this, Richard is nervous as well. I think we are both a little sad that we are finally doing this as it means that we are most definitely, finally done with having a family of more than 2. In a way it is also a relief that we won't have to go through any further losses...well, this is in a way a loss, but it is different, but still final.MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-1975130623816559162012-01-18T16:04:00.002-07:002012-01-18T16:23:11.412-07:00Again, my heart has brokenI can't believe that this time Sunday my life was still going wonderfully, Richard and I were still expectant parents...we thought that we were 12 weeks 3 days. We (well, me) were still having tender breasts, peeing constantly, clothes were getting tight etc. We were so happy.<br />Fast forward to Monday the 15th...not feeling very positive following ob visit, labs drawn and now waiting. Tuesday, the first 2 labs come in, CBC is normal and the repeat beta is negative. We are now finished, the bleeding that had happened over the 7-8th was a m/c, again. Got the rest of my labs today, everything is normal. We briefly spoke about what would be next, I asked about the novasure and removal of the right ovary. I was told that when we were ready to have this down to contact them and let them know and we would finalize the details. We basically went from being excited expectant parents to being devastated couple, childless due to biology- never by choice- <br />After some brief discussions we will look further into the novasure and related procedures to see what the financials involved will be. The house comes first with tax returns this year, then we need to put money aside for the cats for their vet care. So again, from 2012 looking like an amazing happy year, it has gone down the toilet quite quickly.MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-29243592032511347222011-12-31T09:42:00.002-07:002011-12-31T09:54:42.529-07:00Yes it is truly true...After the last 8 years I never EVER thought that I would be making the announcement that we did on Christmas Eve...we are PREGNANT! I am still a bit in shock even though we have known since mid-November...we have reached the double digits...we have never reached double digits before- this is so exciting! Tonight is the last night of 2011, can't believe how quickly this year has gone by, hoping that 2012 takes its time as I want to enjoy every minute of this miraculous event and then I don't want him/her to grow to quickly, but I know that they do. 10 weeks 3 days- I am more happy than I ever could have imagined I could be. Please keep me and Sprout in your thoughts and prayers, we still have a long way to go!MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-60499106765300647582011-10-25T13:18:00.003-06:002011-10-25T15:35:11.711-06:00My Heart, My Love, My Angel<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRzFYroKdoKZMiogRjAeEqUndnxxa4TuHBvi12OtH9LlVvhS2SPTZmdsarghD92LvCKg9nn2OsXWDkpdS9-gq10WaOcCmP5Aw-MSz74yjdopZbhqGY5ga-9UwXqCNIKFZnnhPCywyvrWmU/s1600/Brierley.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRzFYroKdoKZMiogRjAeEqUndnxxa4TuHBvi12OtH9LlVvhS2SPTZmdsarghD92LvCKg9nn2OsXWDkpdS9-gq10WaOcCmP5Aw-MSz74yjdopZbhqGY5ga-9UwXqCNIKFZnnhPCywyvrWmU/s320/Brierley.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667515721545867266" /></a><br /><br />Six Years...it seems like such a long time ago and yet at the same time it feels like yesterday.<br /><br />The last few weeks have been flooded with various memories that are so old, yet still so fresh. Thoughts of happiness, fear and excitement have rushed in so many times...the memories of when we first discovered that we were expecting our very first child, how excited we were and how scared we were at the same time. When we first saw those 2 pink lines, we were beside ourselves! How did this happen, well we knew how this happened, but it was really happening?! We became immediately attached and the planning began, oh the planning...the hopes, the dreams! Our lives were changing in such an amazing way, we had waited SO long for this day and it was finally here!<br />Then we found the pregnancy calculator...plugged in the dates...this baby was so meant to be! The due date...July 1st! My Mom's birthday! Richard's Mom's birthday was just a few days later! My Mom was born on HER Grandmother's 50th birthday, I remember how special my Mom had told me that it was for them, and now it was going to happen for her, her first grandchild was due on her birthday! I couldn't wait to tell her what her birthday present the following year was going to be, I couldn't think of anything better! We were also excited that Richard's Mom would also receive this special gift, everything was falling into place.<br />I called my OB to schedule my first prenatal visit...after so long I was fumbling to get out what I needed to be seen for...'I think we might be pregnant, the HPT was faint, but it is positive.' The receptionist was the first person to congratulate us and happily made that first appointment for Tuesday, October 25th at 11 A.M., a week and a half away! Do we tell people, do we tell our employers, do we tell anybody?! For the first few days we kept the happy news to ourselves, then I saw my Mom one afternoon and I had to tell her...it didn't go as planned. Richard had recently started a new job with no benefits and only part-time. I was working for an agency also with no benefits and pretty crappy pay. Was it the best time for us to be starting our family, probably not, but when would it be the best time? If we kept waiting for finances to be right, jobs to be right, life to be right then we would never start our family. My Mom did agree with this but still wasn't totally excited like I had hoped that she would be...my Dad was having shoulder surgery on the 25th and she asked that we not tell him about the pregnancy until after the surgery as he probably wouldn't be very happy. None of this was what Richard or I had expected. We thought that our families would be so happy since we had been waiting so long to start our family- this would be their first and probably only grandchild, we thought that they would be over the moon about this, we decided to wait to tell Richard's parents. <br />The days went by and we continued to be so happy, the morning sickness, the exhaustion, the food/smell aversions and the strange new cravings...everything reminded us that there really was this little life, a little girl, our first sweet angel was growing inside me, life was perfect! We took our first visits to Babys R Us looking at strollers and carseats, cribs, monitors- everything! I had picked out bedding from Pottery Barn Baby, it came in both pink and blue so it was perfect either way, even though we just knew that it was going to be a girl. We talked about names...he vetoed all the original girl names that I had chosen over the years- he didn't want our child to be picked on or have to explain his or her name or spell it all the time...I gave in :) Richard wanted to honor his biological grandparents some way so we decided to use their last name, also his 'original' last name- Brierley. Then to keep with the family theme we wanted to use my maternal great-grandmother's name- we knew that her middle initial was an 'I' but we didn't have any idea what the name was- my mother looked in an old family bible and found that the 'I' stood for Isabel. It was perfect! We had our name- Brierley Isabel- we fell completely in love with it!<br />Monday, October 24th we were so excited! Our first prenatal visit was in the morning, we hoped that we would have an ultrasound and maybe even get to hear the heartbeat. My Dad was also having surgery in the morning, we hadn't told him anything yet, we wanted him to just concentrate on recovering from surgery, after all we had plenty of time to tell him. The plan was to be at the hospital with my parents prior to surgery and then go to my appointment at 11 then go back to the hospital to sit with Mom and Richard would head off to work.<br />Tuesday, October 25th...I woke up suddenly at about 6 A.M. with sharp cramping and the feeling that I needed to use the bathroom. We had had some spicy foods for dinner the previous night so I thought that was what the problem was, I got up and discovered that I was spotting and the cramps where getting worse. Deep down I knew what was happening, I thought if I ignore it and just go back to bed everything will be just fine. I went back to bed trying not to cry, I looked over and Richard was still sound asleep. I curled up on my side and tried to go back to sleep. I just needed to get to 8 A.M. when my OB's office opened so that I could talk to the nurse to see what I needed to do, I knew that really there was nothing that I could do, I laid there cramping and bleeding, rubbing my belly and apologizing to our baby for not being able to keep her safe. Richard woke up at 7 A.M. and asked how I was doing, without rolling over I just blurted out that it was over, he asked me what I meant and I told him that I had woken up earlier cramping and when I went to the bathroom I was bleeding. He was upset with me that I hadn't woke him up, I told him that I didn't because there was nothing that he could do and he needed to sleep. I waited until a few minutes after 8 and then called my OB...I spoke with his nurse to see if I still needed to come in for my appointment or if I needed to cancel it. She was amazing, after asking a few questions she offered her condolences and explained that I still needed to come in to make sure that everything was ok, as ok as it could be considering. I was instructed to relax and try to stay calm until my appointment. Richard and I got ready and headed out to the hospital to be with my parents, I told my Mom what was going on, we decided it would be best not to saying anything to my Dad as he was nervous about the surgery to begin with- I didn't want him worrying about me, I wanted him to relax and have everything go well. I tried my best to ignore what my body was doing so that no one else would know either, apparently I didn't look like I was feeling very well so people kept asking if I was ok, of course I lied. Richard and I went to my appointment, we got to have the ultrasound that we had hoped for...we didn't get to see what we had hoped to or get to hear a heartbeat. What we did see was a perfect looking gestational sac that measured 4 weeks 3 days. My OB explained that it could be just a bit too early to see the baby or that the baby had already been reabsorbed by my body or it had already passed. He explained that most likely I was miscarrying as there was active bleeding seen around the sac. He sat with Richard and I and told us that he was sorry, we needed to prepare for the worst, yet hope for the best. This pregnancy was bittersweet as on the one hand it confirmed the faint HPT, that we really were pregnant- we could get pregnant, but on the other hand we were losing this baby. I was so confused, how could this be happening?! We had done everything right- I had been taking prenatal vitamins for almost 3 years, we had gone over all of my medications to make sure everything was safe should we get pregnant, we even changed a few meds to make them safe for pregnancy. We had discussed precautions for blood clots and preventing them, we had discussed and planned for taking Heparin injections to keep me from producing clots. Why was this happening? What had we done wrong? Why did my body fail me...why did I fail my baby, my husband, my parents, his parents? I just didn't understand, my heart was shattered.<br /><br />Tuesday, October 25th...Six Years Later. The last few days I have thought about what was happening six years ago...yesterday, six years ago I was still pregnant with our first child. I know that dates eventually meet up with each other- Tuesday, October 25, 2005 we lost our sweet angel, Brierley Isabel. Today, Tuesday, October 25, 2011 we remember our sweet Angel, Brierley Isabel. We remember our happiness, how our lives were forever changed, not necessarily for bad...it seems strange saying that as our lives were changed, even if only briefly, our lives where changed for the better because we had this sweet little soul in our lives, in our hearts- forever. As we, or at least me, think about these events that happened six years ago, I think about how our live were changed, our relationship went from us to we. We became parents-to-be, a Mom and a Dad with tiny little footprints forever etched across our hearts.MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-53554846717977048582011-10-15T18:19:00.004-06:002011-10-15T19:24:47.892-06:00October 15th, Wave of Light<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgR8XXkP-SzvlgyLW-lukqi2U44MMB2nZNMkTuobSg8NBZzq-Zx70a5QvRvXjOpv2SG3yXg3_u7sAYr6l0dd2ZtlErTdBYqbkxPMnVvG3RRN-WoK0h4PX1iZZQlQ189fV3EGoGBrdxbRdf/s1600/Photo10151904.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 192px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgR8XXkP-SzvlgyLW-lukqi2U44MMB2nZNMkTuobSg8NBZzq-Zx70a5QvRvXjOpv2SG3yXg3_u7sAYr6l0dd2ZtlErTdBYqbkxPMnVvG3RRN-WoK0h4PX1iZZQlQ189fV3EGoGBrdxbRdf/s320/Photo10151904.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5663893385249255490" /></a><br /> Our Family, Olivia Grace, Henry Philip, RuthAnn and Brierley Isabel<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7hL_uXuK_3PGWsBh0HTwT9OIWZ22vbpk_ozGn3S0cE3tShQE9hMn1FADmHfLhGJlZqVK0Ygy-4XAlZkO53ngpQRIaECg9WpWDVCxFAfa3l4CRR_ZeXQEa0kKGm8pQV7_t9M89F2n5u1yQ/s1600/Tom+and+Connie%252C+Wave+of+Light.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 215px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7hL_uXuK_3PGWsBh0HTwT9OIWZ22vbpk_ozGn3S0cE3tShQE9hMn1FADmHfLhGJlZqVK0Ygy-4XAlZkO53ngpQRIaECg9WpWDVCxFAfa3l4CRR_ZeXQEa0kKGm8pQV7_t9M89F2n5u1yQ/s320/Tom+and+Connie%252C+Wave+of+Light.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5663878569558789346" /></a><br />From Richard's parents<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK-cZEPL_wmrTGvp03KD6GXgOj5jPifiQjtMgOTsNMJa9cW0jQAzlBwaGapLdHSZOH1lF-V-2-Gpis7gGoSWpsmCgrKKTTesQr197HTO7W-VrCgLdDwSwhQkC9DphKGh8mSF-vXDI9pEkM/s1600/Lit+with+love+and+remembrance"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK-cZEPL_wmrTGvp03KD6GXgOj5jPifiQjtMgOTsNMJa9cW0jQAzlBwaGapLdHSZOH1lF-V-2-Gpis7gGoSWpsmCgrKKTTesQr197HTO7W-VrCgLdDwSwhQkC9DphKGh8mSF-vXDI9pEkM/s320/Lit+with+love+and+remembrance" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5663878395988321042" /></a><br />The first of what has become many dear friends <3<br /><br />Thinking of our darling Angels and those that we have come to know over the years. I pray that they are all looking down tonight and seeing the beautiful wave of light just for them from all of those who love and miss them dearly.MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-39475308479961398612011-09-25T10:43:00.000-06:002013-05-09T17:50:38.586-06:00 Thank you for all of your kind thoughts- they really, truly mean so much to me. Just knowing that you are all here and most importantly you don't think that I am a complete nut job, although my psychiatrist, therapist and family think otherwise. And to what Rosa asked, when I am alone my mind loves to fuck with me...I would like to honestly say that I won't do anything, but sometimes I don't trust myself as I have done things in the past. What stops me from doing anything is my family- I don't want to be the reason that they are in pain. Just because I am gone physically, emotionally I would be leaving behind so much more wreckage for my family and I can't/won't do that to them. I also know that just shoving my emotions down somewhere to where I 'don't' have to deal with them is kind of what got me to where I am in the first place. <br />Dh and my family support me, they may not always understand me. I am trying to go on with my emotions without hurting anyone else. Dh's cousin sent a wonderful thank you when they received the baby's gift yesterday. I am really trying to be happy, the baby is beautiful and healthy, what more could one ask for, well except for the obvious that I know is never going to happen. I guess that is part of what brings me to tears every time I think about the new baby- each day, each month, each year brings that horrible reality that much closer. I had a wonderful dream as a child and no matter what we do that dream will never be fulfilled. My heart is broken and while temporary patches of happiness are there, the cracks are so deep that I don't know if there is a fix for any of them. I have learned over the years what people want to hear, what makes them think that everything is okay-no that is not the most appropriate way to handle things, it is just the easiest way to 'deal' with things sometimes. The questions of 'so when are you going to start your family', 'you've been married for almost 15 years-what are you waiting for, you're not getting any younger'. Luckily, those questions are slowing and even sometimes not even asked any longer. I know things will eventually get easier, better as time goes by. It gets 'easier' as time goes by because everyone in my life believes it has been long enough therefore it shouldn't be something this upsetting still- I should be all better now and new babies in the family should completely overjoy me- I shouldn't have those selfish thoughts any more, it's been almost 6 years since we lost our first hope and dream and it has been almost 3 years since our last sweet surprise. Time is just a number, saying that 'time heals all wounds', yeah, I would like to meet that person so I can hit them upside the head with a 2x4. <br />Oh, and if this wasn't enough the last baby born on my side of the family will be having his 1st birthday in October. Mom is family by marriage and has never really 'liked' me since we met in 2006. Dad is my cousin and we used to be fairly close. Since they married in 2007 she has pulled further and further away from dh and I, and to make her happy, my cousin has also pulled away. We live just under a mile away from each other- I have been told that they have seen dh and I walking on the greenbelt, but they have never said anything to us. Anyway, I was not invited to the baby shower, supposedly an oversight as my Aunt sent an invitation (separate from everyone else's) 4 days before the shower. Well, now it is coming up on that time of the 1st birthday- my Mom and another Aunt have both received an invitation for his birthday party. Just another jab at my emotions. Did she 'over look' me yet again on accident or was it intentional? Either way I would like to say I don't care, in some ways I really truly don't care, but in others it hurts to be told that they don't care.<br />Sorry this went on for so long- that is how my thoughts have been the last few weeks/days. Everything is all jumbled up, sometimes making sense and sometimes not. Again, thank you for your kind thoughts, having you here, having been through similar if not the same situations helps knowing that you understand. Thank you my friends ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-13799400603621673642011-09-21T19:57:00.003-06:002011-09-21T21:22:12.176-06:00Double StandardsDH's cousin that surprisingly found out that she was pg last month delivered a very healthy, very beautiful baby girl yesterday afternoon. I honestly and from the heart congratulated the Mom, Dad and Grandma; I looked at the few pictures that had been posted at the time and I told them that she is beautiful and was very happy that Mom and baby were doing well.<br />Well today dh mentioned something that really wasn't very important, well not important to me. Yes, a new life coming into the world regardless of being a friend, a relative or a complete stranger is a wonderful blessed occasion. An occasion that I am just supposed to look at and be hands down happy. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for this family member-but I honestly don't understand why when I recognized that I was having a difficult time I am now the horrible person because I am not cheering every second, blanketing my FB page with announcements that this blessed new arrival is here! I am terribly sorry that the person that is expressing an issue with my 'behavior' is none other than the person that I have trusted with my heart, my feelings, my memories- my dh. We had a huge argument this afternoon that basically came across as I am selfish and blaming everyone else around me that is either pg or having children. He had the guts to tell me that in MY therapy sessions I should be learning to move on, I should not be this emotional as it will be 6 years next month since our first miscarriage. I shouldn't be this emotional about any of them. He believes that I should be over the pain, that my friends don't want to be around me because I carry so much pain and heartbreak over something that I have no control over. Well here is how I feel about it- if my 'friends' are tired of this huge part of my life, I am sorry, so I am and ya know what it is something that I will have to live with for rest of my life and if they don't want to be a part of that- all they need to do is tell me, I understand, and I will walk away. As for dh, I don't know what to do there. He says that I remember and honor OUR Angels TOO much...funny, candles and FB posts happen 4-5 times a year. Candles are lit and a FB post are made to honor and remember the date that we lost them and then again on October 15th during the Wave of Light. Yes, their candles are also lit on 4/19, 9/11, 12/24, 12/25 and 12/31. I don't place candles out on what was to be their due date. <br />I would like to say that I am sorry that I have not completely moved on, but I am not. I have come a long way from where I once was even as recently as 1-2 years ago. I know that no matter how angry, bitter, hurt or frustrated I have been since 2005 when our hopes and dreams were discovered in a few short weeks only to be crushed, destroyed, taken away all within a few hours that seemed to last forever.<br />September 2005 to December 2008 was the longest, most horrible roller coaster that I have ever been on. At times I did feel that I was on this life changing journey to hell and back on my own. I know that dh was also traveling with me, alongside me, but sometimes it felt as if he got off when he didn't want to deal with it any more. For the most part, none of my family or friends were with me, they would get on when they felt that they could, but would leap off at any time so as not to have to deal with me and my emotions. At times I don't blame them, I wish that I could get off at a moments notice and all of the pain, everything was left behind, but in reality I can't do that. Don't get me wrong I have received the most heartfelt support from family members- last year my MIL lit a candle on October 15th in honor and remembrance of the Angels that would have been her grandchildren. That small gesture meant so much to me, it let me know that the people who love me also acknowledge the 4 very special lives that were here however briefly, they were here, they were loved by others, not just myself and Richard.<br />Regardless of how others believe that I should feel, where I should be on this journey, whether the people around me feel that they no longer wish to support me on this journey. Whether people believe that I should just suck up my feelings and 'get over it' and move on already. I have made progress, maybe not as much as some people believe that I should have, but I have. This is my journey, dh has is journey and we have our journey. There is not a timeframe for any of these journeys unless it was self-imposed by someone. I learned 5 years ago that I am not the one to be able to set that timeframe. Healing happens in its own time, some times when you least expect it. I just wish I didn't feel like I was being judged by how others go through the healing process or how sometimes dh seems to understand my feelings only to turn around and tell me that I am not healing fast enough.MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-8882093966347101342011-08-04T00:27:00.002-06:002011-08-04T00:50:11.654-06:00Hopefully Winding DownWell, Mom had surgery this afternoon and everything went very well. The surgeon told my Dad that when he made the initial incision the tissue immediately pinked up, pretty much showing how bad the compression was. So a 'simple' laminectomy was all that was needed, no fusion or hardware was required. I am now trying to relax now that the surgery is over and she feels better.<br />Saw my psychiatrist this afternoon also, we didn't change any meds at this time but we are being cautious and watching the cycling which has been very rapid the last few weeks. So instead of seeing him again in 3 months, I have to go back the end of the month and if things aren't better then we will look at changing meds. Also going back to see the counselor once a week instead of every other week. I thought things were going ok and between my counselor and myself being sick a few times in June I had appointments cancelled and rescheduled and then we both kinda forgot about things and I went almost a month and a half without seeing her and obviously that wasn't the best idea. <br />So some of my stressors/emotional issues are getting better, but there are a few that are still hanging around- events that have made me jealous, angry with myself and my body- events that are causing me to ask 'Why not us?' I truly am happy for the people in these situations, don't get me wrong, they both absolutely deserve what has happened to them, it just brings up some painful issues- something that I know I will be talking to my counselor about, somethings that I thought we had processed and beginning to resolve- after these last few days I am thinking not so much.<br />I am ready for the hot Summer weather to be over, I know it is not as hot here as it is in other places, but I am still too hot- I just don't do the heat. I am ready for Summer projects to be done or at least slow down so I can have more than a day or two during the week to just relax with Richard. I think it is slowly coming. I can do this.MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-68475688586272990782011-07-28T15:53:00.002-06:002011-07-28T16:15:05.058-06:00I Can't Take Much More Of This....I am stressed out beyond being stressed out. This entire Summer has had something pretty much every weekend since June, and I have felt like complete shit pretty much every weekend and I don't know how much more I can take. I have done 2 SCA events, both feeling like crap-medicated for pain at both of them and one of them we had to come home in the middle of the night because I was sick. Why do I do these things, to make others around me happy. I feel guilty if I don't participate because I am told that people ask where I am, how do I feel- well after this last event where we left in the middle of the night and I was throwing up, maybe it will make a difference. I sometimes feel that people don't believe me, that they think that I just don't want to be there- trust me that is far from the truth. I miss spending time with my friends, I hate feeling the way that I do.<br />I just want a weekend with nothing planned, I want a clean house, laundry completely done, I want to spend time with my family just relaxing. My Mom has surgery next week- I am scared for her. I am trying to figure out my nursing license- go one way and hopefully everything stays the same, we pay $90 and I have my regular license. Go a different direction with several restrictions, but is only $25 and I get an Emeritus License, which is all well and fine except for some pretty huge restrictions- I CANNOT practice nursing while having this license, don't know what that does to first aid, but then that is another story altogether, and then when I am ready to get my full license back all I have to do is pay the fee, fill out the application and get a letter of competency to practice...that is the snag.<br />I just want this Summer to be over, no more SCA events for a while, hopefully business for Richard picks up and stressing over paying bills, medications, medical care, mortgage, utilities will all slow down, and hopefully what needs to slow down does so for a good reason, not because we can't just get an apartment (no credit) or somewhere where we can have our cats and our things. We have no where to go, I just want a vacation that I don't have to stress about. Our vacation next year, most likely isn't happening unless he won the lottery recently and forgot to tell me that everything is going to be alright.MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-87163979617871721852011-07-05T06:10:00.002-06:002011-07-05T06:32:38.523-06:00Henry Philip<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI7ILyRN7oS5lhCBmy43_hT24zjtddZKcQMrbGnUOZDLPDoaLbhAxJkunU4gGt6fHNWFZ5EmiDX6d9Jnavd6HA3BQd8MlkTMTCoxBSwAsbxBVD5xZofsTfGr7wV3lS7iXe4h2LDW63aYMc/s1600/07-04-11_1812.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI7ILyRN7oS5lhCBmy43_hT24zjtddZKcQMrbGnUOZDLPDoaLbhAxJkunU4gGt6fHNWFZ5EmiDX6d9Jnavd6HA3BQd8MlkTMTCoxBSwAsbxBVD5xZofsTfGr7wV3lS7iXe4h2LDW63aYMc/s320/07-04-11_1812.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625839712283263618" /></a><br /><br />It is interesting, finally after this all started in 2005 things are starting to get easier, memories are not as painful. It has been 5 years since we lost Henry Philip and I am actually feeling a sense of peace. I can remember our sweet boy and smile as I remember the brief time we had with him. How proud Richard was as we both felt very strongly that this baby was definitely a boy. No matter how painful times have been, I would never trade them in for anything- except maybe that we had a few more weeks with each of our Angels- but in order to do that we would also have to chose that we never would have met a few of our Angels and I can't/don't want to do that.<br />So this morning as the sunrises and the colors of the sky begin to change from purple to orange, I remember with a smile on my face and pure love in my heart our sweet little peanut, Our Henry Philip. Daddy and I love you sweet boy with all of our hearts. We are remembering you and all the hopes and dreams we had for you. Fly free and continue to watch over us and keep us safe.<br />We love you sweet boy and know you are in a beautiful place with your siblings and families. We will never forget you or your tiny footprints that have been forever etched onto our hearts.<br />Love You Forever and Always- Mommy and Daddy <3MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-4340570755900344292011-02-28T11:49:00.002-07:002011-02-28T12:02:03.009-07:00Changes NeededI have now had my current migraine for almost 2 weeks- I have done everything that I am supposed to do with the darn things. I even contacted my doctor's office last Wednesday requesting a different combo of meds that have in the past knocked the headache down. Never got a call back from the doctor's office- have an appointment for medication refill next Thursday, so most likely will give up on this until seen next week. I have found in the past that it doesn't do any good to contact the office multiple times, so whatever, just adds to the frustration.<br />Also attempting to get in with a new doctor- internal medicine. Wasn't planning on them taking over everything, yet I guess that is what they plan to do as they can't set up an appointment with any of the internal medicine doctors until they hear back from my general practice doctor who I had planned to continue to see for some things.<br />All I know is that I am frustrated with how I feel- I want to be able to eat something and not be afraid of what it is going to do to my stomach. I am past ready for this damn headache to go away- it has already kept me from getting together with friends and has had Richard admit that at times he wonders if I really do have a headache or if I just don't want to do something- that made me feel great!MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-68694794711725612442011-02-10T16:43:00.005-07:002011-02-10T17:45:51.242-07:00RuthAnn and another Little Blessing<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtvCAe6p9bjr-0PlmUOZ_UYa_-NMpbyddOB_R4YmU1eRe83D-6GVgH0wQ5_Q38nD4bkl_je4vo76TsSbUA2pdd32_0MfFj0P0iOPoaRoEgBi1EQHB_fi6iLAqoryn6d87R-Q6r3LBj2TNR/s1600/Ruth.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtvCAe6p9bjr-0PlmUOZ_UYa_-NMpbyddOB_R4YmU1eRe83D-6GVgH0wQ5_Q38nD4bkl_je4vo76TsSbUA2pdd32_0MfFj0P0iOPoaRoEgBi1EQHB_fi6iLAqoryn6d87R-Q6r3LBj2TNR/s320/Ruth.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5572210967956681730" /></a><br /><br />It is hard to believe that it is already 2 weeks into February 2011. So much has happened just since the beginning of the new year. Both Richard and I are continuing on our lifestyle change to become healthier people. <br />I know many people think that I shouldn't be remembering or honoring tomorrow- but this is my life, my memories, my pain. It is getting easier with each passing year- this year will be 4 years. So much has happened in the last 4 years, one of the important things that was going on 4 years ago we were saying 'good bye' to my last surviving grandmother, it was time for her to go, she was suffering and shouldn't have been- but that is another story. <br />I remember how happy Richard and I were when we saw those 2 little pink lines- we thought finally, this will be the one, my grandmother was the only person that we shared our news with (my mother figured it out pretty quickly) I remember picking out a beautiful card to tell my grandmother good bye, Richard and I also placed a special message inside telling her that she was going to be a great-grandmother and that I knew that she would be watching over our precious baby, keeping her safe until it was time for her to come into our lives that October. The card was placed in my grandmother's hands- our little secret shared with someone that we knew already knew. We talked about looking for a little gray mouse costume (a tradition that we so looked forward to continuing- Richard's first Halloween costume had been a little gray mouse) and how cute and tiny she would be, being that she was due October 19th, she would only be 12 days old for her first Halloween- we were so excited and couldn't wait to share our news with our families. We of course never got that chance, as with her brother and sister before her, she didn't get to stay with us physically. She is however, again, like her siblings with us in our hearts forever.<br />One of my most poignant memories of our loss of RuthAnn is the night that I returned to work- most of my co-workers welcomed me with condolences for the loss of my grandmother- none of them new that a few weeks before Richard and I had found out that we were expecting. The night before my bereavement leave started I had been floated downtown and because of some health precautions on my assignment I was forced to disclose my pregnancy to several of the staff there for the safety of my pregnancy. So even though downtown knew, my closest co-workers had no idea until I came back. As I was receiving condolences from co-workers that were also close friends, I bombarded them with the news that Richard and I had found out that we were expecting, but had miscarried a few days before. They all knew how hard Richard and I had been trying and how desperately we wanted a baby- it was a very somber night for all of us.<br />I remember it being quiet in the nursery, the NICU babies were all behaving themselves. My co-workers had stepped out for dinner and I was sitting in the NICU/nursery by myself. A postpartum nurse brought in a little girl that had been born the previous day, her Mom was tired and just wanted a few hours of rest, so the baby was brought into the nursery. After a few minutes she started to whimper quietly, I got up to see if she needed a diaper change or anything else so she would go back to sleep. There was nothing that she needed physically and she looked so sad with her tears- I pulled up the rocking chair and swaddled her in new warm blankets, picked her up from her bassinet and then sat down and rocked her. She slowly stopped crying as we rocked in the darkened nursery- it was then that I realized while holding her to my chest, her head nestled on my shoulder- it was then that I discovered that it wasn't her tears that I felt, they were mine. This beautiful little newborn and I comforted each other that night. <br />In realizing that RuthAnn has been gone for 4 years, I am also reminded that this precious little girl will be celebrating her 4th birthday next week. It is something that makes me smile and touches my heart. Even though my job was very difficult at times and not just because of what Richard and I were going through, it was moments like that that made every difficult night worth it. So, as Richard and I remember our sweet RuthAnn tomorrow, I will be wishing someone else's little blessing a Happy 4th Birthday and saying a big 'Thank You' for helping me through my pain.MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-2037421299777389562011-01-27T23:13:00.003-07:002011-02-01T16:18:50.109-07:00Just a brief update...'Lose It!' is still working wonderfully! I am down 14.6 pounds since the beginning of January. We are having some cruddy weather the last several days- no nothing as bad as what they are getting back east- no we are having one of our lovely winter inversions. People with arthritis tend to notice the change in barometric pressure- but lucky for me, people with migraines also are blessed with the weather changes affecting how we feel. Aren't a whole lot of options available except move to an area that doesn't have the inversions and large changes in barometric changes- I have been told that such a place doesn't actually exist. Oh well, one can dream can't they. Hoping it warms up enough that being outside does not cause my lungs to burn and otherwise mess with my asthma. Well that is all for now...good night my dear friends :)MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-24187119311450160142011-01-12T14:09:00.002-07:002011-01-12T14:25:04.158-07:00It's Working, It's Working!Yes, finally a weight loss program is working! I am not going to call it a diet, well, because it is working AND I don't feel like I am depriving myself of anything. For several years we have tried to lose weight- we have tried many things- weight watchers, medication, diet change/restriction and a few other things. Very few of them did anything noticeable if they did anything at all, and once we went back to life as 'normal' we would inevitably gain all of the lost weight back and then some. This program called Lose It! comes in the form of an app for your iphone, a book to read/refer to etc., and a website. True we have only been using it for 10 days tomorrow, but it is already working! Richard has lost weight, isn't cheating on what he's eating- you don't have to- you can eat whatever you want! I have lost weight- I am beyond shocked partly because aside from a little exercise (need to get better at this part) I have not really modified my diet- I am, we are eating foods that we normally would be eating- Richard even had McDonald's over the weekend and I had dinner from Panda Express. It is a lovely little thing that many have preached, what we have tried in the past- but just a little bit different- moderation and calorie tracking. I don't think Richard has met his calorie budget since we started and I have only gone over once- don't remember why, but it was only like 50 calories, so no harm done there. We are getting something that I have tried for, hoped for, wished for many times- after eating dinner neither of us are hungry a few hours later, sure a few hours after dinner we might have some dessert- jello, a muffin or yes, even some ice cream- the difference is there is a portion size for a reason and if you eat healthy all day long, well then those portion sizes don't seem so small or restricting after all. We both have a large goal, but I think if we continue to work together, support each other and get the support from our friends (some new from the program) and families- well, I think we might just conquer this one.MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094221598472509800.post-28866592636134409192011-01-07T13:28:00.002-07:002011-01-07T14:08:19.214-07:00New Year, New BeginningsIt doesn't seem like another year has passed but it has...2010 is behind us and 2011 has come in with a bang or at least a small pop. Richard and I have started a diet that appears to be working and one that both of us will be able to stick with long term. This is also the first year in while that we have made some long term goals/plans that also appear to be doable. <div>This year I hope that the anniversaries will come and go with less pain and stress. Counseling has definitely helped more the last few months- much more than it had in the last 2 years with the other counselor. We are still working to get the anxiety and bipolar under better control- I am still having problems with major manic episodes where I stay awake for 30 to 36+ hours even when taking medications for insomnia, anxiety, and mania. My headaches are under better control somedays better than others. I am still experiencing almost daily headaches but they are more often at the point that I can deal with the pain without being completely incapacitated. My headaches are unfortunately still at the point that I am needing to take pain medication several times a week, but the days requiring multiple doses of pain medication are lessening. </div><div>We are hoping to be able to do more camping this summer- both SCA and with family. Richard got a new to him truck this fall following an accident that totaled his truck. Both of our families were instrumental in being able to replace his truck, and for that we are both extremely grateful. Our families are very important to us- we are hoping/planning to make a long awaited trip to visit Richard's family(and some of mine along the way) next year in the fall. We are hoping that life calms down a bit this year now that my disability is in place and my insurance is affordable. Now if we could only get something for Richard so that he can see the doctor, something that he has not done in 2 years. We are also hoping that his business continues to grow and that he will be able to continue doing the job that he has wanted to do and is really good at doing. </div><div>Our big plans for this year will actually be happening in a few months- the musical WICKED is continuing its tour and Boise is on that path this year, so to 'reward' ourselves in getting through the last few years without killing one another, burning down the house, or anything else that has crossed our minds- we are treating ourselves and hopefully a few of my close friends will be able to do the same and join us for this wonderful event in May. Hopefully we will stay faithful to our diet and see some results, my headaches will continue to head towards controlled and we will get my meds figured out and life will calm down for more than a few days at a time. We are also hoping that the surgery that I will be having sometime this spring will go well without complications and recovery is quick.</div><div>Here's to hoping that 2011 brings happiness and better health.</div>MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....http://www.blogger.com/profile/11825193996100136059noreply@blogger.com0