MY JOURNEY TO A HAPPY HEALTHIER ME....

Finally doing it...

2012-02-14T13:47:00.002-07:00

Yup, went to the doctor this morning and had my consultation and am now scheduled to have the Novasure procedure, along with a laundry list of other procedures. I will be doing this on March 21st, the procedures will all take about an hour to an hour and half and then I get to go home to recover...that being as long as now complications as I am at a little higher risk due to my bleeding issues and then the Novasure procedure can puncture the uterus- oops.
I am a little nervous that I am finally doing this, Richard is nervous as well. I think we are both a little sad that we are finally doing this as it means that we are most definitely, finally done with having a family of more than 2. In a way it is also a relief that we won't have to go through any further losses...well, this is in a way a loss, but it is different, but still final.

Again, my heart has broken

2012-01-18T16:04:00.002-07:00

I can't believe that this time Sunday my life was still going wonderfully, Richard and I were still expectant parents...we thought that we were 12 weeks 3 days. We (well, me) were still having tender breasts, peeing constantly, clothes were getting tight etc. We were so happy.
Fast forward to Monday the 15th...not feeling very positive following ob visit, labs drawn and now waiting. Tuesday, the first 2 labs come in, CBC is normal and the repeat beta is negative. We are now finished, the bleeding that had happened over the 7-8th was a m/c, again. Got the rest of my labs today, everything is normal. We briefly spoke about what would be next, I asked about the novasure and removal of the right ovary. I was told that when we were ready to have this down to contact them and let them know and we would finalize the details. We basically went from being excited expectant parents to being devastated couple, childless due to biology- never by choice-
After some brief discussions we will look further into the novasure and related procedures to see what the financials involved will be. The house comes first with tax returns this year, then we need to put money aside for the cats for their vet care. So again, from 2012 looking like an amazing happy year, it has gone down the toilet quite quickly.

Yes it is truly true...

2011-12-31T09:42:00.002-07:00

After the last 8 years I never EVER thought that I would be making the announcement that we did on Christmas Eve...we are PREGNANT! I am still a bit in shock even though we have known since mid-November...we have reached the double digits...we have never reached double digits before- this is so exciting! Tonight is the last night of 2011, can't believe how quickly this year has gone by, hoping that 2012 takes its time as I want to enjoy every minute of this miraculous event and then I don't want him/her to grow to quickly, but I know that they do. 10 weeks 3 days- I am more happy than I ever could have imagined I could be. Please keep me and Sprout in your thoughts and prayers, we still have a long way to go!

My Heart, My Love, My Angel

2011-10-25T13:18:00.003-06:00

Six Years...it seems like such a long time ago and yet at the same time it feels like yesterday.

The last few weeks have been flooded with various memories that are so old, yet still so fresh. Thoughts of happiness, fear and excitement have rushed in so many times...the memories of when we first discovered that we were expecting our very first child, how excited we were and how scared we were at the same time. When we first saw those 2 pink lines, we were beside ourselves! How did this happen, well we knew how this happened, but it was really happening?! We became immediately attached and the planning began, oh the planning...the hopes, the dreams! Our lives were changing in such an amazing way, we had waited SO long for this day and it was finally here!
Then we found the pregnancy calculator...plugged in the dates...this baby was so meant to be! The due date...July 1st! My Mom's birthday! Richard's Mom's birthday was just a few days later! My Mom was born on HER Grandmother's 50th birthday, I remember how special my Mom had told me that it was for them, and now it was going to happen for her, her first grandchild was due on her birthday! I couldn't wait to tell her what her birthday present the following year was going to be, I couldn't think of anything better! We were also excited that Richard's Mom would also receive this special gift, everything was falling into place.
I called my OB to schedule my first prenatal visit...after so long I was fumbling to get out what I needed to be seen for...'I think we might be pregnant, the HPT was faint, but it is positive.' The receptionist was the first person to congratulate us and happily made that first appointment for Tuesday, October 25th at 11 A.M., a week and a half away! Do we tell people, do we tell our employers, do we tell anybody?! For the first few days we kept the happy news to ourselves, then I saw my Mom one afternoon and I had to tell her...it didn't go as planned. Richard had recently started a new job with no benefits and only part-time. I was working for an agency also with no benefits and pretty crappy pay. Was it the best time for us to be starting our family, probably not, but when would it be the best time? If we kept waiting for finances to be right, jobs to be right, life to be right then we would never start our family. My Mom did agree with this but still wasn't totally excited like I had hoped that she would be...my Dad was having shoulder surgery on the 25th and she asked that we not tell him about the pregnancy until after the surgery as he probably wouldn't be very happy. None of this was what Richard or I had expected. We thought that our families would be so happy since we had been waiting so long to start our family- this would be their first and probably only grandchild, we thought that they would be over the moon about this, we decided to wait to tell Richard's parents.
The days went by and we continued to be so happy, the morning sickness, the exhaustion, the food/smell aversions and the strange new cravings...everything reminded us that there really was this little life, a little girl, our first sweet angel was growing inside me, life was perfect! We took our first visits to Babys R Us looking at strollers and carseats, cribs, monitors- everything! I had picked out bedding from Pottery Barn Baby, it came in both pink and blue so it was perfect either way, even though we just knew that it was going to be a girl. We talked about names...he vetoed all the original girl names that I had chosen over the years- he didn't want our child to be picked on or have to explain his or her name or spell it all the time...I gave in :) Richard wanted to honor his biological grandparents some way so we decided to use their last name, also his 'original' last name- Brierley. Then to keep with the family theme we wanted to use my maternal great-grandmother's name- we knew that her middle initial was an 'I' but we didn't have any idea what the name was- my mother looked in an old family bible and found that the 'I' stood for Isabel. It was perfect! We had our name- Brierley Isabel- we fell completely in love with it!
Monday, October 24th we were so excited! Our first prenatal visit was in the morning, we hoped that we would have an ultrasound and maybe even get to hear the heartbeat. My Dad was also having surgery in the morning, we hadn't told him anything yet, we wanted him to just concentrate on recovering from surgery, after all we had plenty of time to tell him. The plan was to be at the hospital with my parents prior to surgery and then go to my appointment at 11 then go back to the hospital to sit with Mom and Richard would head off to work.
Tuesday, October 25th...I woke up suddenly at about 6 A.M. with sharp cramping and the feeling that I needed to use the bathroom. We had had some spicy foods for dinner the previous night so I thought that was what the problem was, I got up and discovered that I was spotting and the cramps where getting worse. Deep down I knew what was happening, I thought if I ignore it and just go back to bed everything will be just fine. I went back to bed trying not to cry, I looked over and Richard was still sound asleep. I curled up on my side and tried to go back to sleep. I just needed to get to 8 A.M. when my OB's office opened so that I could talk to the nurse to see what I needed to do, I knew that really there was nothing that I could do, I laid there cramping and bleeding, rubbing my belly and apologizing to our baby for not being able to keep her safe. Richard woke up at 7 A.M. and asked how I was doing, without rolling over I just blurted out that it was over, he asked me what I meant and I told him that I had woken up earlier cramping and when I went to the bathroom I was bleeding. He was upset with me that I hadn't woke him up, I told him that I didn't because there was nothing that he could do and he needed to sleep. I waited until a few minutes after 8 and then called my OB...I spoke with his nurse to see if I still needed to come in for my appointment or if I needed to cancel it. She was amazing, after asking a few questions she offered her condolences and explained that I still needed to come in to make sure that everything was ok, as ok as it could be considering. I was instructed to relax and try to stay calm until my appointment. Richard and I got ready and headed out to the hospital to be with my parents, I told my Mom what was going on, we decided it would be best not to saying anything to my Dad as he was nervous about the surgery to begin with- I didn't want him worrying about me, I wanted him to relax and have everything go well. I tried my best to ignore what my body was doing so that no one else would know either, apparently I didn't look like I was feeling very well so people kept asking if I was ok, of course I lied. Richard and I went to my appointment, we got to have the ultrasound that we had hoped for...we didn't get to see what we had hoped to or get to hear a heartbeat. What we did see was a perfect looking gestational sac that measured 4 weeks 3 days. My OB explained that it could be just a bit too early to see the baby or that the baby had already been reabsorbed by my body or it had already passed. He explained that most likely I was miscarrying as there was active bleeding seen around the sac. He sat with Richard and I and told us that he was sorry, we needed to prepare for the worst, yet hope for the best. This pregnancy was bittersweet as on the one hand it confirmed the faint HPT, that we really were pregnant- we could get pregnant, but on the other hand we were losing this baby. I was so confused, how could this be happening?! We had done everything right- I had been taking prenatal vitamins for almost 3 years, we had gone over all of my medications to make sure everything was safe should we get pregnant, we even changed a few meds to make them safe for pregnancy. We had discussed precautions for blood clots and preventing them, we had discussed and planned for taking Heparin injections to keep me from producing clots. Why was this happening? What had we done wrong? Why did my body fail me...why did I fail my baby, my husband, my parents, his parents? I just didn't understand, my heart was shattered.

Tuesday, October 25th...Six Years Later. The last few days I have thought about what was happening six years ago...yesterday, six years ago I was still pregnant with our first child. I know that dates eventually meet up with each other- Tuesday, October 25, 2005 we lost our sweet angel, Brierley Isabel. Today, Tuesday, October 25, 2011 we remember our sweet Angel, Brierley Isabel. We remember our happiness, how our lives were forever changed, not necessarily for bad...it seems strange saying that as our lives were changed, even if only briefly, our lives where changed for the better because we had this sweet little soul in our lives, in our hearts- forever. As we, or at least me, think about these events that happened six years ago, I think about how our live were changed, our relationship went from us to we. We became parents-to-be, a Mom and a Dad with tiny little footprints forever etched across our hearts.

October 15th, Wave of Light

2011-10-15T18:19:00.004-06:00

Our Family, Olivia Grace, Henry Philip, RuthAnn and Brierley Isabel

From Richard's parents

The first of what has become many dear friends <3

Thinking of our darling Angels and those that we have come to know over the years. I pray that they are all looking down tonight and seeing the beautiful wave of light just for them from all of those who love and miss them dearly.

Double Standards

2011-09-21T19:57:00.003-06:00

DH's cousin that surprisingly found out that she was pg last month delivered a very healthy, very beautiful baby girl yesterday afternoon. I honestly and from the heart congratulated the Mom, Dad and Grandma; I looked at the few pictures that had been posted at the time and I told them that she is beautiful and was very happy that Mom and baby were doing well.
Well today dh mentioned something that really wasn't very important, well not important to me. Yes, a new life coming into the world regardless of being a friend, a relative or a complete stranger is a wonderful blessed occasion. An occasion that I am just supposed to look at and be hands down happy. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for this family member-but I honestly don't understand why when I recognized that I was having a difficult time I am now the horrible person because I am not cheering every second, blanketing my FB page with announcements that this blessed new arrival is here! I am terribly sorry that the person that is expressing an issue with my 'behavior' is none other than the person that I have trusted with my heart, my feelings, my memories- my dh. We had a huge argument this afternoon that basically came across as I am selfish and blaming everyone else around me that is either pg or having children. He had the guts to tell me that in MY therapy sessions I should be learning to move on, I should not be this emotional as it will be 6 years next month since our first miscarriage. I shouldn't be this emotional about any of them. He believes that I should be over the pain, that my friends don't want to be around me because I carry so much pain and heartbreak over something that I have no control over. Well here is how I feel about it- if my 'friends' are tired of this huge part of my life, I am sorry, so I am and ya know what it is something that I will have to live with for rest of my life and if they don't want to be a part of that- all they need to do is tell me, I understand, and I will walk away. As for dh, I don't know what to do there. He says that I remember and honor OUR Angels TOO much...funny, candles and FB posts happen 4-5 times a year. Candles are lit and a FB post are made to honor and remember the date that we lost them and then again on October 15th during the Wave of Light. Yes, their candles are also lit on 4/19, 9/11, 12/24, 12/25 and 12/31. I don't place candles out on what was to be their due date.
I would like to say that I am sorry that I have not completely moved on, but I am not. I have come a long way from where I once was even as recently as 1-2 years ago. I know that no matter how angry, bitter, hurt or frustrated I have been since 2005 when our hopes and dreams were discovered in a few short weeks only to be crushed, destroyed, taken away all within a few hours that seemed to last forever.
September 2005 to December 2008 was the longest, most horrible roller coaster that I have ever been on. At times I did feel that I was on this life changing journey to hell and back on my own. I know that dh was also traveling with me, alongside me, but sometimes it felt as if he got off when he didn't want to deal with it any more. For the most part, none of my family or friends were with me, they would get on when they felt that they could, but would leap off at any time so as not to have to deal with me and my emotions. At times I don't blame them, I wish that I could get off at a moments notice and all of the pain, everything was left behind, but in reality I can't do that. Don't get me wrong I have received the most heartfelt support from family members- last year my MIL lit a candle on October 15th in honor and remembrance of the Angels that would have been her grandchildren. That small gesture meant so much to me, it let me know that the people who love me also acknowledge the 4 very special lives that were here however briefly, they were here, they were loved by others, not just myself and Richard.
Regardless of how others believe that I should feel, where I should be on this journey, whether the people around me feel that they no longer wish to support me on this journey. Whether people believe that I should just suck up my feelings and 'get over it' and move on already. I have made progress, maybe not as much as some people believe that I should have, but I have. This is my journey, dh has is journey and we have our journey. There is not a timeframe for any of these journeys unless it was self-imposed by someone. I learned 5 years ago that I am not the one to be able to set that timeframe. Healing happens in its own time, some times when you least expect it. I just wish I didn't feel like I was being judged by how others go through the healing process or how sometimes dh seems to understand my feelings only to turn around and tell me that I am not healing fast enough.

Hopefully Winding Down

2011-08-04T00:27:00.002-06:00

Well, Mom had surgery this afternoon and everything went very well. The surgeon told my Dad that when he made the initial incision the tissue immediately pinked up, pretty much showing how bad the compression was. So a 'simple' laminectomy was all that was needed, no fusion or hardware was required. I am now trying to relax now that the surgery is over and she feels better.
Saw my psychiatrist this afternoon also, we didn't change any meds at this time but we are being cautious and watching the cycling which has been very rapid the last few weeks. So instead of seeing him again in 3 months, I have to go back the end of the month and if things aren't better then we will look at changing meds. Also going back to see the counselor once a week instead of every other week. I thought things were going ok and between my counselor and myself being sick a few times in June I had appointments cancelled and rescheduled and then we both kinda forgot about things and I went almost a month and a half without seeing her and obviously that wasn't the best idea.
So some of my stressors/emotional issues are getting better, but there are a few that are still hanging around- events that have made me jealous, angry with myself and my body- events that are causing me to ask 'Why not us?' I truly am happy for the people in these situations, don't get me wrong, they both absolutely deserve what has happened to them, it just brings up some painful issues- something that I know I will be talking to my counselor about, somethings that I thought we had processed and beginning to resolve- after these last few days I am thinking not so much.
I am ready for the hot Summer weather to be over, I know it is not as hot here as it is in other places, but I am still too hot- I just don't do the heat. I am ready for Summer projects to be done or at least slow down so I can have more than a day or two during the week to just relax with Richard. I think it is slowly coming. I can do this.

I Can't Take Much More Of This....

2011-07-28T15:53:00.002-06:00

I am stressed out beyond being stressed out. This entire Summer has had something pretty much every weekend since June, and I have felt like complete shit pretty much every weekend and I don't know how much more I can take. I have done 2 SCA events, both feeling like crap-medicated for pain at both of them and one of them we had to come home in the middle of the night because I was sick. Why do I do these things, to make others around me happy. I feel guilty if I don't participate because I am told that people ask where I am, how do I feel- well after this last event where we left in the middle of the night and I was throwing up, maybe it will make a difference. I sometimes feel that people don't believe me, that they think that I just don't want to be there- trust me that is far from the truth. I miss spending time with my friends, I hate feeling the way that I do.
I just want a weekend with nothing planned, I want a clean house, laundry completely done, I want to spend time with my family just relaxing. My Mom has surgery next week- I am scared for her. I am trying to figure out my nursing license- go one way and hopefully everything stays the same, we pay $90 and I have my regular license. Go a different direction with several restrictions, but is only $25 and I get an Emeritus License, which is all well and fine except for some pretty huge restrictions- I CANNOT practice nursing while having this license, don't know what that does to first aid, but then that is another story altogether, and then when I am ready to get my full license back all I have to do is pay the fee, fill out the application and get a letter of competency to practice...that is the snag.
I just want this Summer to be over, no more SCA events for a while, hopefully business for Richard picks up and stressing over paying bills, medications, medical care, mortgage, utilities will all slow down, and hopefully what needs to slow down does so for a good reason, not because we can't just get an apartment (no credit) or somewhere where we can have our cats and our things. We have no where to go, I just want a vacation that I don't have to stress about. Our vacation next year, most likely isn't happening unless he won the lottery recently and forgot to tell me that everything is going to be alright.

Henry Philip

2011-07-05T06:10:00.002-06:00

It is interesting, finally after this all started in 2005 things are starting to get easier, memories are not as painful. It has been 5 years since we lost Henry Philip and I am actually feeling a sense of peace. I can remember our sweet boy and smile as I remember the brief time we had with him. How proud Richard was as we both felt very strongly that this baby was definitely a boy. No matter how painful times have been, I would never trade them in for anything- except maybe that we had a few more weeks with each of our Angels- but in order to do that we would also have to chose that we never would have met a few of our Angels and I can't/don't want to do that.
So this morning as the sunrises and the colors of the sky begin to change from purple to orange, I remember with a smile on my face and pure love in my heart our sweet little peanut, Our Henry Philip. Daddy and I love you sweet boy with all of our hearts. We are remembering you and all the hopes and dreams we had for you. Fly free and continue to watch over us and keep us safe.
We love you sweet boy and know you are in a beautiful place with your siblings and families. We will never forget you or your tiny footprints that have been forever etched onto our hearts.
Love You Forever and Always- Mommy and Daddy <3

Changes Needed

2011-02-28T11:49:00.002-07:00

I have now had my current migraine for almost 2 weeks- I have done everything that I am supposed to do with the darn things. I even contacted my doctor's office last Wednesday requesting a different combo of meds that have in the past knocked the headache down. Never got a call back from the doctor's office- have an appointment for medication refill next Thursday, so most likely will give up on this until seen next week. I have found in the past that it doesn't do any good to contact the office multiple times, so whatever, just adds to the frustration.
Also attempting to get in with a new doctor- internal medicine. Wasn't planning on them taking over everything, yet I guess that is what they plan to do as they can't set up an appointment with any of the internal medicine doctors until they hear back from my general practice doctor who I had planned to continue to see for some things.
All I know is that I am frustrated with how I feel- I want to be able to eat something and not be afraid of what it is going to do to my stomach. I am past ready for this damn headache to go away- it has already kept me from getting together with friends and has had Richard admit that at times he wonders if I really do have a headache or if I just don't want to do something- that made me feel great!

RuthAnn and another Little Blessing

2011-02-10T16:43:00.005-07:00

It is hard to believe that it is already 2 weeks into February 2011. So much has happened just since the beginning of the new year. Both Richard and I are continuing on our lifestyle change to become healthier people.
I know many people think that I shouldn't be remembering or honoring tomorrow- but this is my life, my memories, my pain. It is getting easier with each passing year- this year will be 4 years. So much has happened in the last 4 years, one of the important things that was going on 4 years ago we were saying 'good bye' to my last surviving grandmother, it was time for her to go, she was suffering and shouldn't have been- but that is another story.
I remember how happy Richard and I were when we saw those 2 little pink lines- we thought finally, this will be the one, my grandmother was the only person that we shared our news with (my mother figured it out pretty quickly) I remember picking out a beautiful card to tell my grandmother good bye, Richard and I also placed a special message inside telling her that she was going to be a great-grandmother and that I knew that she would be watching over our precious baby, keeping her safe until it was time for her to come into our lives that October. The card was placed in my grandmother's hands- our little secret shared with someone that we knew already knew. We talked about looking for a little gray mouse costume (a tradition that we so looked forward to continuing- Richard's first Halloween costume had been a little gray mouse) and how cute and tiny she would be, being that she was due October 19th, she would only be 12 days old for her first Halloween- we were so excited and couldn't wait to share our news with our families. We of course never got that chance, as with her brother and sister before her, she didn't get to stay with us physically. She is however, again, like her siblings with us in our hearts forever.
One of my most poignant memories of our loss of RuthAnn is the night that I returned to work- most of my co-workers welcomed me with condolences for the loss of my grandmother- none of them new that a few weeks before Richard and I had found out that we were expecting. The night before my bereavement leave started I had been floated downtown and because of some health precautions on my assignment I was forced to disclose my pregnancy to several of the staff there for the safety of my pregnancy. So even though downtown knew, my closest co-workers had no idea until I came back. As I was receiving condolences from co-workers that were also close friends, I bombarded them with the news that Richard and I had found out that we were expecting, but had miscarried a few days before. They all knew how hard Richard and I had been trying and how desperately we wanted a baby- it was a very somber night for all of us.
I remember it being quiet in the nursery, the NICU babies were all behaving themselves. My co-workers had stepped out for dinner and I was sitting in the NICU/nursery by myself. A postpartum nurse brought in a little girl that had been born the previous day, her Mom was tired and just wanted a few hours of rest, so the baby was brought into the nursery. After a few minutes she started to whimper quietly, I got up to see if she needed a diaper change or anything else so she would go back to sleep. There was nothing that she needed physically and she looked so sad with her tears- I pulled up the rocking chair and swaddled her in new warm blankets, picked her up from her bassinet and then sat down and rocked her. She slowly stopped crying as we rocked in the darkened nursery- it was then that I realized while holding her to my chest, her head nestled on my shoulder- it was then that I discovered that it wasn't her tears that I felt, they were mine. This beautiful little newborn and I comforted each other that night.
In realizing that RuthAnn has been gone for 4 years, I am also reminded that this precious little girl will be celebrating her 4th birthday next week. It is something that makes me smile and touches my heart. Even though my job was very difficult at times and not just because of what Richard and I were going through, it was moments like that that made every difficult night worth it. So, as Richard and I remember our sweet RuthAnn tomorrow, I will be wishing someone else's little blessing a Happy 4th Birthday and saying a big 'Thank You' for helping me through my pain.

Just a brief update...

2011-01-27T23:13:00.003-07:00

'Lose It!' is still working wonderfully! I am down 14.6 pounds since the beginning of January. We are having some cruddy weather the last several days- no nothing as bad as what they are getting back east- no we are having one of our lovely winter inversions. People with arthritis tend to notice the change in barometric pressure- but lucky for me, people with migraines also are blessed with the weather changes affecting how we feel. Aren't a whole lot of options available except move to an area that doesn't have the inversions and large changes in barometric changes- I have been told that such a place doesn't actually exist. Oh well, one can dream can't they. Hoping it warms up enough that being outside does not cause my lungs to burn and otherwise mess with my asthma. Well that is all for now...good night my dear friends :)

It's Working, It's Working!

2011-01-12T14:09:00.002-07:00

Yes, finally a weight loss program is working! I am not going to call it a diet, well, because it is working AND I don't feel like I am depriving myself of anything. For several years we have tried to lose weight- we have tried many things- weight watchers, medication, diet change/restriction and a few other things. Very few of them did anything noticeable if they did anything at all, and once we went back to life as 'normal' we would inevitably gain all of the lost weight back and then some. This program called Lose It! comes in the form of an app for your iphone, a book to read/refer to etc., and a website. True we have only been using it for 10 days tomorrow, but it is already working! Richard has lost weight, isn't cheating on what he's eating- you don't have to- you can eat whatever you want! I have lost weight- I am beyond shocked partly because aside from a little exercise (need to get better at this part) I have not really modified my diet- I am, we are eating foods that we normally would be eating- Richard even had McDonald's over the weekend and I had dinner from Panda Express. It is a lovely little thing that many have preached, what we have tried in the past- but just a little bit different- moderation and calorie tracking. I don't think Richard has met his calorie budget since we started and I have only gone over once- don't remember why, but it was only like 50 calories, so no harm done there. We are getting something that I have tried for, hoped for, wished for many times- after eating dinner neither of us are hungry a few hours later, sure a few hours after dinner we might have some dessert- jello, a muffin or yes, even some ice cream- the difference is there is a portion size for a reason and if you eat healthy all day long, well then those portion sizes don't seem so small or restricting after all. We both have a large goal, but I think if we continue to work together, support each other and get the support from our friends (some new from the program) and families- well, I think we might just conquer this one.

New Year, New Beginnings

2011-01-07T13:28:00.002-07:00

It doesn't seem like another year has passed but it has...2010 is behind us and 2011 has come in with a bang or at least a small pop. Richard and I have started a diet that appears to be working and one that both of us will be able to stick with long term. This is also the first year in while that we have made some long term goals/plans that also appear to be doable.

This year I hope that the anniversaries will come and go with less pain and stress. Counseling has definitely helped more the last few months- much more than it had in the last 2 years with the other counselor. We are still working to get the anxiety and bipolar under better control- I am still having problems with major manic episodes where I stay awake for 30 to 36+ hours even when taking medications for insomnia, anxiety, and mania. My headaches are under better control somedays better than others. I am still experiencing almost daily headaches but they are more often at the point that I can deal with the pain without being completely incapacitated. My headaches are unfortunately still at the point that I am needing to take pain medication several times a week, but the days requiring multiple doses of pain medication are lessening.

We are hoping to be able to do more camping this summer- both SCA and with family. Richard got a new to him truck this fall following an accident that totaled his truck. Both of our families were instrumental in being able to replace his truck, and for that we are both extremely grateful. Our families are very important to us- we are hoping/planning to make a long awaited trip to visit Richard's family(and some of mine along the way) next year in the fall. We are hoping that life calms down a bit this year now that my disability is in place and my insurance is affordable. Now if we could only get something for Richard so that he can see the doctor, something that he has not done in 2 years. We are also hoping that his business continues to grow and that he will be able to continue doing the job that he has wanted to do and is really good at doing.

Our big plans for this year will actually be happening in a few months- the musical WICKED is continuing its tour and Boise is on that path this year, so to 'reward' ourselves in getting through the last few years without killing one another, burning down the house, or anything else that has crossed our minds- we are treating ourselves and hopefully a few of my close friends will be able to do the same and join us for this wonderful event in May. Hopefully we will stay faithful to our diet and see some results, my headaches will continue to head towards controlled and we will get my meds figured out and life will calm down for more than a few days at a time. We are also hoping that the surgery that I will be having sometime this spring will go well without complications and recovery is quick.

Here's to hoping that 2011 brings happiness and better health.

Changes and Decisions

2010-12-22T11:47:00.002-07:00

Well my doctor's office finally got back with me regarding an estimate for a procedure that I need to have done. Part of the procedure will not be covered by my insurance until 2011, which really isn't a big deal as I wasn't planning to have the procedure done until after the 1st of the year. So now we have the estimate and it is really a lot less than I thought that it was going to be- now it is getting up the courage to do it. The procedure is one that I need to have done, we have talked about with my doctor for over a year and when I had my last issue with the cyst and the ER we again discussed it. The problem is that this procedure will in a sense throw me into surgical menopause which will also render me completely infertile. When we first discussed the procedure it seemed like something that would be so far away that I really didn't think about the repercussions of having this done- I really thought about when a few months ago we were in the office having another ultrasound and my doctor asked what our plans for trying for a family was for the next 1, 2, or 3 years were- I reluctantly and tearfully answered that we were done trying. He sat down with us and explained what needed to be done in order to stop the cysts, take care of the endometriosis and the painful, heavy cycles- but in doing so we will be completely ending any chance of having a family in the future.

Knowing all of this it has taken me 3-4 months to finally call the office to get the financial information. They wanted to know if I wanted to set up a pre-op appointment and of course I backed out of this telling them I will call them after the first of the year to schedule an appointment. Richard wants me to know that he fully supports whatever decision I make- he just wants me to get with all of my girlfriends and let them know what is going on so that they can be there to support me. He is afraid that I am going to have this procedure done and then have a complete breakdown- which is a possibility- I don't want this to happen but it isn't always something I can control and this is taking a lot of control away. In my head and even to an extent in my heart- I know that we are done trying for a family- both now and in the future- but it scares me to know that this will be permanent and final.

The other problem is my coumadin- I have to go off of it prior to surgery and the last time we checked on going off of it for a procedure it was a great big process because I am on it to prevent blood clots- for that reason I guess I can't just go off of it for a few days prior to the procedure, no, I have to go back on the Lovenox(subQ injections) then stop the coumadin, stop the Lovenox the day prior to the procedure then re-start the Lovenox and the coumadin after the procedure then I am on the Lovenox until my coumadin levels are back to therapeutic levels- which this last time I re-started the coumadin it has taken over 6 months to finally get it back to therapeutic levels- where we have stayed for the last 4 months or so.

I guess my counselor and I will have a lot to talk about when I see her again on the 5th and then I see my psych the following week- so I guess I make my pre-op for the middle of January. Merry Christmas...

Holidays Are Here Again....

2010-12-20T11:42:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was the 2nd Angelversary for Olivia Grace- I hate that the memories of 2 years ago are still so vivid and clear. To an extent I am happy that I have memories of her but then I also wish that they maybe weren't so present. We had our annual Yule gathering at Kris and Kim's house- a few people made comments that they knew the day was difficult for me and that they were thinking of us. My family also had their get together last night- we went to the gathering for Circle as it had been planned in November- my parents understood and agreed with our decision, I don't know how the rest of my family felt- probably won't find out either which is fine. I am actually glad that we weren't with the family gathering as all four of what I guess would be considered the great-grandkids were there- Alden is I believe 7, his sister Amelia will be 6 at the end of the month- Riley is 17 months and the newest member Layton is just over 2 months old. I am fine with Alden and Amelia- Riley is the one that I have trouble with as our last baby would have been a month younger than Riley- and I have never met Layton, so I don't know how I will react to him. When his mother announced that she was expecting and my Aunt also very enthusiastically announced that she was going to be Grandmother- I didn't handle myself as well as I would have liked too, but the announcement was also made as we were all gathering to go to the church for my Uncle's funeral. I pretty much avoided her during her pregnancy, which really wasn't that difficult actually as for whatever reason we really don't have a relationship.

Anyway, we got our tree up (a few weeks ago), Richard put the lights on it and told me that it was my turn- well I finally got up the courage, energy, whatever you want to call it and we decorated the tree and the living room last Saturday. It does look pretty, I am glad that it is done. We also put out a few extra decorations that we have never used- about 10 years ago while on a trip to McCall we picked up a very cute Boyd's Bear's porcelain cookie plate and mug set- for Santa. We picked it out as something to put away- I had always tried not to buy anything that would be for children as I felt that it was bad luck to have it in the house. We decided to go ahead and get it as we decided that if we didn't get it now it probably wouldn't be available when we did have children. It has been wrapped in tissue paper and the bag from the store it was purchased from and stored in various different places over the years- sometime recently it was moved to my china cabinet where I also store my nice cookie sheets- Sunday (yesterday) when I went to get the cookie sheets I found the bag and unwrapped everything and lost it- Richard was out shoveling snow, so I brought the plate and mug out and placed it on a table decorated with family photos and special crocheted ornaments and decorations made by Richard's Grandma Rutha.

So far everything had been going okay until I was getting ready for our get together last night and had problems with my shoes, my skirt and a few other things and I had a huge panic attack, which I haven't done in a while. Richard helped calm me down and we went to the party and had a very nice time with our friends.

I found out this morning that we have been invited for Christmas Eve to my Aunt and Uncle's house- I don't know if any of their boys will be there- for the last few years that we have gotten together for Christmas Eve they have been elsewhere- so we'll see this year- it may be the first time I meet/see the new baby.

Still have to got Christmas shopping- hoping to do that tomorrow or Wednesday- yeah I know, nothing like waiting until the last minute- oh, well.

Too Many Thougts

2010-10-09T05:56:00.002-06:00

For the last few years I haven't liked or enjoyed October. I feel as if I am in a losing battle with my emotions and who to talk about it. In the last few months several women that I had 'met' through my online support group for Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss have announced new pregnancies or have delivered happy beautiful healthy babies. I had a family member deliver a very beautiful boy on Thursday. I want so much to be happy for them, but I am finding it to be very difficult. Each birth reminds me of what I am never going to have in my life. I admit it, I am jealous of what these women have- about their happiness- the happiness of their families. Each birth reminds me that I am broken, that I can't fulfill one of my childhood dreams- I am never going to be a mother and then it just rolls down the hill picking up casualties along the way. Most of my family have no idea what Richard and I have been through in the last 5-6 years. Most of them have no idea that we DID try to have a family, that we DID succeed with 4 pregnancies, that we lost all 4 of those pregnancies. I can't get passed the heartbreak, the feeling of being broken and defective. I can't help but feel jealous when I see my parents with another family members baby and watch their eyes light up and see how happy they are with him- all the while knowing that I can't give them that- all of my mother's siblings are now grandparents- I can't bestow this title on my parents, just the same as I can't given my husband a child- I can't make him a Dad. I know that my emotions are running high this month as it is full of reminders of what happened to start this roller coaster to hell. I have no one to talk to about what I am feeling right now as I have been told that my friends don't want to hear about it anymore- I should have just move on already. My husband is even getting discouraged with me that I can't move on- it has been 5 years after all- get over it. That is the hard part- I can't just 'get over it' I don't want to forget the 4 precious lives that tried to be a part of our lives- I want to get to the point where I can be happy for friends and family- and not avoid them throughout their pregnancy and the birth of the baby. I want to be happy- not on the verge of tears when I think of what they are experiencing- it isn't their fault that I can't have a baby.

On the Downhill Slide

2010-07-28T09:21:00.003-06:00

I don't know why this is happening all of a sudden...I have had episodes similar to this before but not so dramatic.

The last few weeks have been sprinkled with multiple manic days- more than I can count or remember. Now today I have slide all the way down into depression- I got upset because he fed the cats and I was going. He didn't know that I had planned on feeding the cats- it really shouldn't matter anyway- right? But now I feel completely useless because he fed the cats.

Today is one of the days that I hate my life.

A letter to friends and family

2010-07-27T15:45:00.003-06:00

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:
A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.

Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. If you're my boss or my co-worker:

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

Therapy

2010-07-27T11:08:00.002-06:00

Last week I started seeing a new therapist- she is very kind and patient. Today I met her dog who is also very kind and patient. We have been talking about grief and loss and trauma. Our or well okay, my goals are to be able to get past my grief and loss- stop feeling guilty about things that I have absolutely no control over and never will. She also brought up the idea of a type of memorial service for our Angels. This is something that I have never done for any of them- something that we have never done for various reasons. Richard and I said a few words when we placed the first three statues and their stepping stones the day we had our handfasting. I don't remember doing a whole lot of anything when we placed the last statue and stone. And when people ask about them- our next door neighbor made the comment 'Sara collects Angels' to which Richard basically said 'yes, she does'. More recently a group of people came to our home and a few of them made comments about the garden and statues that those must have been very important pets for you to keep it so well maintained and gone to so much trouble- Richard very carefully explained what the statues, stones, and garden really were and then the ladies felt a little guilty and told him how sorry they were for our losses.

Back to the memorial service- I talked to Richard on the way home from my session today- he said it was something I needed to talk to my circle sisters about- I told him that we also needed to talk about it as this is something we need to do together- they are after all OUR children, not just mine. Yes, granted, I am the one having the most difficulty saying 'goodbye' after almost 5 years for our first one and almost 2 years for our last. I want to be able to think of them and smile as I think about the brief time I had each of them with me. I want to smile and be genuinely happy for friends and family members when they announce a pregnancy. I want to be happy when the baby arrives and that baby makes my parents happy....I don't want to feel guilty that they have to receive their happiness elsewhere because I can't provide it. I would love to be able to include all of my family and friends in a memorial service- but considering many of them never knew that we were ever pregnant let alone lost said pregnancy- I don't want them to be uncomfortable- I just hate feeling like I am hiding this forbidden secret that must not be mentioned for fear of making someone uncomfortable. Then there are my parents, they understood in the beginning- well at least my mother did- she thoughtfully hung the ornament on the tree as she does every year- she would appear to be happy when we would find out that we were expecting, but didn't always seem to know how to treat me when I would then lose the pregnancy. My friends have all been similar...some would be very excited that we were pregnant- at least for the first few pregnancies- and others felt awkward- then when we would lose the pregnancy it seemed like the subject would be changed, so I stopped telling people when we were pregnant and the same thing when we lost the pregnancy I would be careful about who I mentioned it to.

So who do I have at a memorial service for four wonderful souls that did not get the chance to be? Do I do something with just Richard and I or can I include my friends- will they care or will they go along with everything to 'make' me feel better. I guess this is something that we are going to have to think about and decide what is best for us.

Be at Peace

2010-07-10T15:44:00.002-06:00

Today was the day that we all finally said 'Goodbye' to Solveig Lenhartzen also known as Gram. The services were simple and beautiful- many stories were told of her long adventurous life. Today she was surrounded by many members of her family and friends. She will be buried next to her beloved husband that passed away 16 years ago- I know she is resting now, no longer in pain, no longer suffering. I know that she is now at peace again surrounded by her loving family. Those of us left behind will carry her with us in our hearts- remembering her beautiful and contagious smile that lit up the room, we all will also cherish her lyrical little laugh. I feel so honored and blessed that her family shared her with me. She has such special soul that will be missed but never forgotten. Rest in peace Gram- you are finally home.

Our Sweet Henry Philip

2010-07-05T00:27:00.002-06:00

Our Little Peanut

You have been gone for four years and yet it sometimes feels like it was just yesterday.

We love you dearly with all of hearts and think of you often.

I know that one day we will all be together again, until then watch over us as I know you and your sisters do.

I hope you had a beautiful light show last night with all of the fireworks everywhere.

Mommy is trying to find ways to be happy and knows that you are not with us for a reason- and believe that reason was not because we didn't love you- because we did with all of our hearts.

Be safe little one- chase the butterflies and dragonflies and relax beneath the beautiful rainbows.

We will light your candle later today and think of you fondly.

I miss you my little Angel boy- you will forever be in my heart were you are safe and sound. I cherish the weeks we had with you- sleep well sweet prince. Love Always- Mommy and Daddy

Feeling Overwhelmed

2010-06-29T14:16:00.002-06:00

I don't know what it going on in my head lately I just feel like everything is too big to handle. My husband I know is probably attributing this to the fact that we have an anniversary coming up soon- but honestly that is not what is bothering me- I know that our sweet angel is in a better place, and that brings me comfort.

I don't know if it is that I am thinking too much of a dear friend and want to take away her pain and know that I can't.

I am just tired and want a break- but if I tell that to my family then I feel guilty, because what do I do that I need a break? I had hoped that once all this disability crap was finalized things would be easier- but they are just more stressful. I received a significant amount in back pay from the government, but it technically isn't mine- I have to give it all to the hospital I worked for to pay for the money that they have been giving to me the last two years. I am ready to just say have it all- just get it out of my life, but they are giving us a chance to pay off some bills with it a portion of it then we will give them the rest and they will just adjust what they will continue to pay me until October of next year. I hate that money causes so much stress. I feel like I am in a hole and the opening keeps getting further and further away.

We have done one camping event this year and will going on another in a few weeks- I just don't have the motivation to want to go- last trip I was medicated a majority of the time and don't want to be that way this time around- but my stupid headaches just won't let me be. I just a nice quiet and relaxing vacation somewhere other than here- but that just isn't in the budget now or any time in the future.

I feel guilty that I got the disability- and I don't know why- I just worked so hard to accomplish my dreams, and my dreams I guess were too big or something- I don't know- at times I feel like a failure and that I am just ruining the lives around me. I can't focus on anything- my family is struggling to keep it all together- I know that I am causing a significant amount of grief to my family and that was never my intention. I hate that when I think about how my life used to be it makes me panic. I hate that when I think about the future I panic. I know that life isn't easy for anybody- but why can't we get some kind of break- and then thinking that I feel selfish. I am feeling detached from people and don't like that, but I don't know what else to do.

It's Official

2010-06-25T13:00:00.002-06:00

I have officially been granted disability- I received my medicare card in the mail today. My husband and I meet with St. Luke's earlier today to discuss my back pay check that came from Social Security- they are going to let us pay off our overdue bills and then turn the rest of the money over to them- we have two weeks to get it all done. Now I have to find a secondary insurance to cover my medications and possibly sign up for food stamps. It is all a little overwhelming- I don't know if it is because we have waited so long for this happen or if it confirms all of my fears. I know that I should be relieved- but I am somewhat scared about the future and what it holds. I guess I just need to try to relax and let it happen.

Difficult Week

2010-06-10T13:45:00.002-06:00

Hopefully the end is coming quickly- Gram (Solvieg) is out of the hospital and is now at home with her family by her side. The endoscopy revealed a large ulcer in her small intestine which is what most likely has been causing her pain. It was decided to have a feeding tube placed and allow to her to return home to be with family with the goal to keep her as comfortable as possible. This has been very difficult for her family as one can imagine. Yes, Gram is 93 years old- but she still should not have to suffer like she is- my only hope for her and her family is that she is able to remain comfortable and to say goodbye without much difficulty. She is loved very much and has touched many lives- I feel very lucky to be able to say that I have had her in life.

The beginning of the end

2010-06-06T22:48:00.002-06:00

One of my dearest and closet friends- someone whom I have known for over 20 years- someone that I consider to be family, my sister- her Grandma who is 93 years old has been in the hospital since last week due to complications from a UTI. She has had continued abdominal pain and has had multiple tests to find out what is causing the pain- all have come back inconclusive; so tomorrow morning Gram while be having an endoscopy to see if that reveals any answers. I hate that she is having to go through all of this- I just hope that if this the beginning of the end that it goes quickly so that she may rejoin her beloved partner Arne. Keeping the entire family in my thoughts- Hang in there- I am sending positive and peaceful thoughts.

Good News!

2010-06-06T02:05:00.002-06:00

Well I got my letter from Social Security- they ruled in favor of me- which means they granted me my disability. I don't know yet what I will be receiving monthly- another department deals with that and they should be contacting me within the next 60 days. At which point I have to apply for medicare coverage, find a supplementary insurance to cover my medications- the up side to having medicare is that I should be able to see my counselor more than once a month- I hope anyway. May also look into the outpatient groups that my psychiatrist suggested several months ago- they may be covered as well. While all of this is good news, it is also kind of sad- it means that yes my nursing career is over. I worked so hard to get it in the first place and now after working as a nurse for only 4 1/2 years- I am done. So this is my life now- a little less stressful now that the decision has been made. But I have a feeling that it is going to be a long road ahead of us for a while.

Waiting Game

2010-05-15T10:16:00.003-06:00

Well I had my disability hearing on Tuesday- the gentleman representing me says it went well, I on the other hand didn't think it went that well. Either way we will find out the judge's decision in 30 to 90 days- the wait begins. The vocational expert came up with 3 jobs that I could possibly do- none of them have anything to do with nursing- they were all telephone operator based- no stress there. But she said I would likely be fired due to absenteeism- so on the other hand according to her I am unemployable due to that. So we will see.

2010-04-18T21:40:00.002-06:00

Well we are back from Sun Valley- it was a long weekend. The funeral mass Saturday morning was beautiful. My Aunt if doing well, family is taking turns staying with her at the hotel and they will be deciding what to do with it in the near future.

It was sad being there and hearing Uncle Joe laughing at something. Their grandchildren are also dealing with everything ok- but I think as time goes by they will realize that he is not coming back.

Also found out that Chris' wife Sarah is pregnant- about 4 months. I am trying to be happy for her- but at the same time I am yet again disappointed. My parents are the only ones to not have a grandchild and that breaks my heart. I also met baby Riley for the first time- he was born the month before our last one was due. It was difficult to see what he is doing- playing, crawling, trying to pull up on chairs- everything that our child should also be doing. But as I coming to learn that is just life- and ours doesn't involve a living child.

Rest In Peace

2010-04-11T15:03:00.002-06:00

Today I found out that my beloved Uncle Joe passed suddenly last night due to a massive stroke. He died in the hands of the flight team rushing him to a hospital in Boise. I cannot imagine what my Aunt is going through- she last saw him alive in a hospital ER then finds out that he did not survive the helicopter trip. We will be traveling to Sun Valley next weekend for the services. He leaves behind two sons and three grandchildren- youngest will never know their grandfather except through stories and pictures- the other two have spent much time with their grandfather and I know will miss him dearly. It saddens me that I will never hear voice, his laugh, or receive another warm hug from him. Although I had not seen him in quite awhile I thought of frequently- his strong and gentle soul will be missed.

Lots of Stuff

2010-03-10T00:05:00.003-07:00

Still having headaches and realizing that I am just going to have to live with them. Some days are ok- not necessarily good, but ok- tolerable; other days are absolute hell- especially when my pain meds don't do a dang thing- which is what seems to be happening lately.

I got my date for my disability hearing- May 11th at 1pm- I am nervous about what will happen. Working on getting paperwork finished from the attorneys so they can continue their work.

Dad is having a shoulder revision later this morning- a new surgeon, hospital, nursing staff-everything, but so far everyone that he has met have been very nice. I will be puppy sitting today and tomorrow- otherwise the dog tears up everything in her kennel.

Also had a new med added- Ativan for anxiety as the Xanax wasn't doing anything- so we'll give this a try and hope for the best.

More Headache Trouble

2010-02-27T11:48:00.003-07:00

Well the journey continues....a few days ago I spent 7 hours in the ER for yet another migraine- trust me it was a blast- NOT! Anyway, I am now (have been since Friday night) on a regimen called a Headache Cocktail- it is a combination of 3 different meds; an antihistamine, a steroid and a muscle relaxer. Yeah it is a fun combo- I am on this for a total of 5 days to kick this cycle of migraine- I see my pain specialist on Thursday. So this is my fun 'high' life until Wednesday.

Gone 3 Years

2010-02-11T09:22:00.002-07:00

Our sweet Little Mouse- we love and miss you. Thinking of you today- we lit your candle this morning. All Our Love- Mommy and Daddy

2010-02-06T01:23:00.002-07:00

Well in trying to conquer my increasing depression (my Lithium was decreased last month because that was thought to be the cause) my psychiatrist decided to go the opposite direction- my Lithium has been increased again- so instead of taking 450mg once a day I know will take 900mg total a day and get back with my MD in a week to see how things are going. I hate taking pills- the increase runs the fabulous risk of increasing my migraines, which I already have on a daily basis as it is- so how much worse can it get?

Rough few days

2010-02-01T16:19:00.002-07:00

Just realized 10 days and it will be 3 years since we lost little mouse. I have been thinking about how our lives have changed over the last 5 years- dh and I had a talk and he thinks that I should be able to move on by now- get on with my life. Trust me I have tried very hard to 'move on' but to be honest it is hard when my heart is shattered. I want to be happy, I want to think about my life and be happy with what I have accomplished- I should be proud- but all I can think of is what I have lost, what I will never have. I feel like I have let my family down- I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about any of this because I feel guilty that I have this much pain- I don't want people to feel bad for me- I don't want them to feel guilty. One of my really good friends just told me that she is thinking of having a baby in the next year- and wants me to be a part of its life. When she told me this I had an overwhelming sense of jealously- and I don't want to be like that- I want to be happy for her, I am happy for her, really I am- but I want it and I can't. Dh says that I should talk to her to tell how I feel, but I feel like this is my problem- why should I make it hers. I don't want her to feel guilty, I know she told me because she is happy and wants me to be happy to. I just wish that time really did heal wounds- because right now I feel like it is a big lie- every time I think that something gets easier or better- I fall apart and feel like it happened yesterday. When does it get easier?

A New Year

2009-12-31T17:42:00.002-07:00

Well 2009 will be over in a few hours and a new decade will be starting. A lot has happened in the past few years- we tried to start our family, I had several nursing positions that I really enjoyed, we have lost 4 angels, I was placed on medical leave then long-term disability. A lot really has happened, some good, some bad- some of I wish that I could forget and other things that will be with me forever. I spent a week in a psych hospital and 2 years being off of work. I know that these are all just random thoughts but this has been my life since 2005. I am going to try to go back to work in a few months and hope that I can keep it together. We finally made it through a year without a loss and had our last 1 year anniversary- I hope. I still don't like the holidays and am glad that they are almost over- we will soon be taking the tree down and although it is pretty to see it still breaks my heart that we will never have any children physically with us. I hope that the coming year is better- it can't get much worse.

It is happening....

2009-10-07T14:23:00.003-06:00

Got the phone call earlier today that I am getting admitted to start my rapid detox from my psych meds. I am a little nervous, yet excited to finally get this done. Please keep me in your thoughts.

On Hold

2009-10-07T02:24:00.002-06:00

Saw main psychiatrist yesterday and at first he was not agreeing with a detox of my meds- but by the end of the appointment I think he is on the same page as we are; I didn't get a phone call from him today so I have to call his office in the morning to make sure that he called to try to find a doctor to admit me- he said that he would have to 'sell' the idea to them. It is just frustrating because I was hoping that this would be something happening quickly- before my COBRA runs out; which doesn't really matter because the insurance that I applied for that I am probably not going to get anyway doesn't have mental health coverage on it anyway. I never thought that I would be disappointed to not be going to a hospital, especially a mental health one at that.

Changes will be happening soon

2009-10-01T17:06:00.002-06:00

It has been awhile since I have written, partly because I haven't had the energy and partly because I have been so lost. We are finally going through the process (or at least within the next week or so) of weaning off all of my medications in a controlled environment- yes I will be inpatient at a psych hospital for 1 to 2 weeks. I am nervous about all of this happening but know that it is a good thing and needs to happen for my own well-being. I will write before I go in and then I won't be able to have computer access while I am in the hospital, but I will give an update when I get home. This is a big step for me and I am scared about the process and thought of going off all my meds. I know that I have lots of friends and family are thinking of me and that is what is getting me through at this time.

Lots to Update.....

2009-09-11T03:41:00.002-06:00

This summer has been really rough for me. My headaches got out of control on more than one occasion landing us in the ER for treatment. My parents had to put their beloved (my sibling) lab down just a week past her 12 birthday- she is now cremated and sits in a beautiful box surrounded by fun memorable pictures on top of a curio cabinet in their living room. My mom had both of her knees replaced at the same time- this was when my headaches started to get out of control- when I was supposed to be helping take care of her I was ending up over at their home so my dad could take care of both of us. And then recently I had some of the really bad headaches that had caused me to go through a months worth of pills in 20 days; so it was decided that we would wean off of some of the pain meds, also because I had become suicidal again- one of the trips to the ER for pain control and anxiety control. This summer has been a downward spiral for me in trying to get off of meds, understand why people still love me and take care of me when all control is gone, when I just want to give it all up- everyone is still here for me. Sometimes that is the hardest part for me to understand- I know that I am loved I just sometimes can't see it or understand it.

All 4 in the sand now

2009-07-20T08:24:00.000-06:00

Olivia

Olivia
Born into Heaven 12/19/2008

Nampa, Idaho

You were a miracle surprise that we hoped and dreamed of, lost too
soon to realize all that we had planned for you. Fly free little one
with your sisters and your brother. Until we all meet again our
precious little bean I know that you watch over us and are with us.
Chase the dragonflies and rainbows- Mommy and Daddy love you with all
our hearts!

On Death and Dying

2009-07-06T20:33:00.002-06:00

My parents found out today that their 'second' child- their dog- Jessie has cancer. She has been barking more frequently, snarling, and even snapping occasionally the last few weeks. My Dad took her to the vet this morning because she wouldn't put any weight on one of her legs, yet she would still wag her tail and get up on the bed to be with my Mom who recently had surgery. Jessie was brought into our family the year dh and I got married- she is to turn 12 next month. She has been given a week to 6 months; my parents were given signs to watch for increasing problems that will lead to having Jessie die a more dignified death and to stop the suffering. Jessie is a beautiful black lab, the second one that my parents have owned and will be the last. We won't be seeing her playful tail wag when we come to visit, she won't go crazy when dh (whom she absolutely adores, and always has) shows up even if she just saw him 5 minutes ago. She has been given pain pills to make things easier-but it won't be any easier for the rest of us left behind. Dad set cremation arrangements and Mom has a box picked out. It has already been discussed that some of her ashes will go to special places that she enjoyed. We will have walks to remember and playful puppy memories- but I know that this is going to be difficult for my parents, especially my Dad who stays home during the day with Jessie- his best friend is going away- today I saw both my parents cry as they discussed the findings and the options. It is going to be hard for all of us- but we know when the time comes it will be best for Jessie as no one should have to suffer or be in pain. I believe that animals and children go to a special place when they pass on- so I know that Jessie will be with our Angels playing in the sunshine chasing butterflies and dragonflies. Playing fetch until she drops and have an endless lake to swim in- until we see her again she will be happy. I have been reading about Buddhism lately and I know that Jessie will have a good rebirth- she has made so many people happy in her lifetime. It will be hard to let her go, but I know that she will know when the time is right- she is a lady and will let us know when she is ready. Until then we get to enjoy her being with us and hopefully the pain meds will make it easier for her and she will at least be comfortable until it is her time to go and be with the Angels.

Our Sweet Henry Philip

2009-07-05T19:18:00.003-06:00

Our dear sweet little peanut- today is the day that we lost you 3 years ago and yet it seems like just yesterday sometimes. We had so many hopes and dreams for you- until we meet again we love you with all our hearts.

Love- Mommy and Daddy

Continuing to get better

2009-07-03T11:43:00.003-06:00

Mom is doing great! Went over this morning so Dad could run some errands and she is using the CPM and getting a bend at 110°! She is getting up and down better than even yesterday- at PT on Wednesday she got a measurement of bend while sitting in a chair of 94° on the left knee and 97° on the right- so she is doing excellent for someone who just a week ago yesterday had bilateral total knees done.

I am having a better day today emotionally- have a migraine that I took pain pills for- they are kicking in and I am starting to feel better, but a little loopy.

Will be going to archery practice tonight in Emmet at Clare and Ronin's horse ranch and then having a potluck afterwards with s'mores and everything!

Also found out today that my cousin Ann Marie graduated and passed her boards- so now we have another RN in the family!

All in all everything is going very good today.

Mom getting better!

2009-07-01T22:22:00.002-06:00

Today is Mom's birthday- yes our Angel shares the same day. Anyway, Mom is starting to get around a lot better- she had her first PT session this afternoon and they said that she is doing as well or better than someone who had just 1 knee done- let alone both of them. She is starting to tolerate being up in a chair or sitting up in bed for longer periods of time, but she still gets pooped out pretty quickly. She has to go tomorrow to have her blood checked again for the coumadin levels- yesterday she was already pretty normal- her level was the same as mine was on Monday- but my levels aren't staying in the normal range like hers are- I am glad that she is getting better this quickly- makes me feel better- but is also reminding why I don't do adult nursing, it is just so much easier with the little ones- but I am getting stressed out and had a headache today which didn't help much- I am hoping to get some good sleep and tomorrow will be a better day for all of us.

Happy Birthday Sweet Brierley

2009-06-30T21:31:00.003-06:00

Happy 3rd Birthday Sweet Angel of Ours- Mommy and Daddy are thinking of you as we celebrate Grandma's Birthday- Forever my Angel and Forever my Baby you'll be.

Mom doing great!

2009-06-28T08:49:00.002-06:00

Went and saw my Mom last night- she is doing great! She gets up with the walker and some assistance from the nursing staff. Today PT and OT are going to work with her and some steps- they have a step going into the house at the front door and the back door in the garage. She is up to 90° bend on the CPM and has gotten rid of most her tubes- she had one pain pump left that they were going to remove yesterday and her IV is just TKO (to keep [vein] open) so she should be getting rid of that soon too. She is in a good mood and really trying hard at her PT- I think that she is going to continue to do great! S0 hopefully she will go home earliest today, latest tomorrow. She has had great nurses taking care of her and the CNAs have been wonderful too- some of them I used to work with 5 years ago so it was good to see a friendly face and know that Mom was in good hands.

The In-laws are approaching.......

2009-06-27T14:19:00.003-06:00

Yes, my MIL and FIL are coming for a visit- they will arrive sometime this afternoon/evening. The house is as clean as it is going to get because I am getting a headache and don't want it to get any worse. I haven't been able to go and see my Mom yet today because we have been trying to get the house ready- I am done, I want to go and see my Mom.

Surgery Update

2009-06-27T09:55:00.002-06:00

Mom came through surgery great! She spent a night in the ICU per protocol and then was moved to her regular (huge) room up on the ortho floor yesterday afternoon. She got up once in the ICU and made a few steps but got really dizzy and nauseous, then yesterday afternoon she got up again and took a short walk with PT and then was able to get her legs back up in bed by herself- big feat considering that she had both knees replaced at the same time! Last night she had a rough spot it was discovered after pain got out of control- not happy that this happened- that her PCA had been placed on hold and not taken off- so she wasn't getting any pain meds when she pushed her button. She got up to a 10/10 on her pain so it took a lot of pain meds and time to get her back under control. Haven't talked to her yet this morning, don't think she will be going home today- none of us, including her think that she is ready to come home yet, maybe tomorrow or Monday.

For those that wanted to know she is in room 416 at Mercy.

Just thinking

2009-06-24T12:17:00.002-06:00

I know that I said that I was somewhat relieved that the test came back negative- but still I think that I want what I can't have and it breaks my heart. When am I going to be able to come to terms with what my life has come too? When will I stop the tortuous dreaming of what I can't have, it only makes things worse. Last night dh and I talked about what might be someday and we both still have that dream- doesn't help that we both still want the same thing so badly. I have called the insurance to see if the IUD is covered, it is- but in a way I don't want to get it, I know it isn't permanent, but it feels like it is. Coming to terms with being childless isn't going so well- we both want a child so badly that it hurts and breaks my heart with what I can't give my husband or my parents. I feel broken and damaged that I can't do that one simple thing- why can't I do it?

No more alcohol......

2009-06-23T21:55:00.003-06:00

Tonight I found out the hard way that my meds (I am guessing) and alcohol don't mix- AT ALL! You see, my family took dh and I out for dinner for dh's birthday and I had some peach hard lemonade with my dinner- all went well until about 5 minutes after eating.....luckily we were out the door of the restaurant- but in the backseat of my Dad's truck- I started to not feel so well and well things happened- everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Won't go into any further details as it is not very ladylike. Happy Birthday Honey.

A little disappointment and relief

2009-06-23T12:46:00.003-06:00

Had a doctor appointment this morning- the OB/GYN. You see I haven't had a cycle in 3 months- no I had not taken a test myself for fear of disappoint. Well this morning it was confirmed, I am NOT pregnant. In a way this is a good thing for all the medications that I am taking, the finances that we have and some other details. I am somewhat disappointed that the test was negative, today is dh's birthday and this would have made a fabulous gift for him and our anniversary was Sunday as well as it was Father's Day- would have been wonderful belated gift for those. Instead we both got the answer that we I think thought we would, as to why I am not having cycles- still unknown, MD stated that if another 3 months go by and we aren't pg then he would give me some meds to start my cycle. We also talked about the IUD again, and have decided that this would be the best option for us at this point as it is not permanent. I still can't get the idea of not having children out of my head. I can't come to terms with this no matter how hard I try. Dh still wants a child, but doesn't want me to suffer through another loss- I don't want to go through another loss- the last one in December was difficult- they have all been difficult but I thought that after the last one we were finished, but I still want a baby. These feelings have gotten stronger since my cousin has gotten pg and as she gets closer to delivery. I don't know if it is realistic to keep this dream- but I just can't let it go, not yet.

Getting ready to go

2009-06-17T17:05:00.002-06:00

Ham is done, needs to be sliced. Scotch Eggs done and packed in containers. Shortbread baked and in its containers. My clothes packed in the trunk. Bathing essentials packed. Name and Device paperwork packed. Foodstuffs ready to be packed into cooler. Tent ready to be packed back into its bags- interior walls- tapestries have holes in them to hang from hooks. Need to buy batteries for sheep- long story, hope to have pictures- we are taking 22 sheep with, not the entire 'herd' but the majority of it. Just remembered need to pack archery equipment- would be very disappointed to get there and not have it as there is a tourney on Friday that I am planning to participate in- go me. Also going to take a class on Saturday about Wimples and Veils- it is a make it and take it class, very excited about that as I have no veils anymore. Will again provide pictures. I can't wait, this is my first SCA trip in like 5 years, I am very excited!

The baking has started

2009-06-16T08:55:00.002-06:00

Baking a ham today, will do scotch eggs when the ham is done in a couple of hours. Then tomorrow I will bake some shortbread.

Will also start packing, we leave Thursday morning for our big camping trip.

General Stuff

2009-06-13T07:03:00.002-06:00

Went to archery practice last night- had a lot of fun, but started to get a little anxious towards the end- after we had been there for awhile and it was getting hot.

Met a new couple that seems really nice; she is borrowing some of my old garb- it is a little big on her but does fit and looks nice. They were here at the house until almost 11pm trying dh's mead and talking and such- made me anxious to have other people in the house, but I did okay for the most part.

Now waiting for Mom to come and get me so we can go to an early sale at Cabela's for Father's Day/dh's birthday- hoping to get him a new hammock for his stand. Wish me luck.

Back Home

2009-06-11T11:01:00.002-06:00

Made it through the baby shower, we only stayed for about an hour or so- I was about done after that anyway. Watched my cousin open my gift and my parents- she was very gracious as I knew she would be; made a onesie at the party with an iron on, left before they started making babies out of play dough- didn't want to be doing that.

Went camping for 4 nights and 5 days, went fishing- caught two fish, mom caught one. It was a relaxing but cold trip, lows in the 30's highs in the 60's. Came home early as they are supposed to get nasty weather the rest of the week.

Have decided that cross-stitch will be for Christmas present, so can slow down on getting it done. Will have a name and date next month, but don't have to have it finished so less pressure now.

Can't think of anything else.

Baby Shower Anxiety

2009-06-06T13:13:00.002-06:00

My cousin is having a baby shower that starts in about an hour and half. I had a melt down about it yesterday afternoon, and now today I am just feeling anxious. At first I was very excited about going to this event- went out and got books that would have been on our bookshelves- 'Goodnight Moon', 'Pat the Bunny', 'Guess How Much I Love You', 'Fish Kisses', 'The Wiggly Pig', and a special one that has an angel finger puppet with it that talks about how much the baby was wanted and loved. The last book is special because when both dh and I read it, it touched our hearts and made us think of our angels.

I guess I have been thinking of my angels a lot the past few days and trying to keep it together because this is her special day. Only a few more hours and it will be done and then I will be camping for a week with my parents. Dh is returning home tomorrow morning/afternoon- I think that I am also anxious about this. Well this is life and I have to move somehow and sometime.

Names in the Sand

2009-06-04T09:22:00.004-06:00

We haven't gotten Olivia's done yet but here are the others.

Changing meds

2009-05-27T20:35:00.002-06:00

Well we are trying a different approach to my headaches and my depression/anxiety. Yesterday my psych voiced that she wanted to make some changes to my medications to help with my mood but that she thinks that I need to be off of my Topamax in order to do that; so today I saw my pain specialist and he okayed the discontinuation of the Topamax. So I am starting to taper off of it and am now starting take Depakote ER which will take the place of the Topamax, he also gave me a few Ambien CR to sample to see if they help me sleep and stay asleep. My sleep lately has been very interrupted and filled with dreams and nightmares. I am also going to try and continue with exercise that I started over the long weekend and hopefully my headaches will again be under control. So now I am on the wait and see- wish me luck.

Nervous

2009-05-21T12:37:00.002-06:00

My Mom is going to be having major surgery next month and I am getting nervous. My Mom doesn't get sick or have surgery, she is the one that takes care of me and my Dad when we are sick or have surgery. I am scared and I am afraid to tell her. I don't think that anything is going to go wrong, I just don't know what I would do if something did- my Mom is my best friend.

Gave in- Headaches won

2009-05-18T12:23:00.003-06:00

Well I won't be waiting the 3 months to see my pain specialist as originally planned, my headaches have been too close together- the most days that I have had between headaches was 7 days, usually I get 4-5 days between headaches. I am not sure what else we are going to do, sometimes they are triggered by something that I ate, by not getting enough sleep- which I am not sure how to fix since I am still having difficulty sleeping at night last night I was awake until 2am trying to fall asleep and then wake up around 8 or 9- I know that sounds like plenty of sleep but it's not when you are waking up every 15 to 20 minutes for absolutely no reason other than you are uncomfortable; and dh wonders why I sleep during the day- hello, I am exhausted! So back to pain specialist, I see him next week instead of next month.

Headaches

2009-05-12T09:01:00.002-06:00

My headaches are back and I don't know why. I see my pain specialist next month, but basically we have done all that we can at this point with the pain medication and the preventatives. I am trying to do relaxation and meditation to assist the medications and sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't- today it isn't helping. I took pain meds last night slept and still have a bad headache today and can't take anything so I am trying relaxation and meditation- we'll see what happens.

feeling better

2009-05-08T17:36:00.002-06:00

Today was a better day. My meds are slowly kicking in again- but unfortunately I am back at the beginning stages so they are making me really sleepy. I have spent the last 2 days at my parents house so that I would be somewhere that was safe and not home alone. My husband and parents were afraid to leave me alone, I think that they still are. I have to gain their trust back and promise that I will continue to take my meds everyday, like I am suppose to and that I won't stop them again. What I did was scary and stupid, I don't know why I continue to do things that hurt not only me but those that love me. I keep thinking that my husband will one day leave me because I am broken and crazy- but every time he tells me, promises me that he isn't going anywhere- my parents do the same thing, yet I continue to try and chase them away; and that is one of my biggest fears to be left alone, maybe that is why I do it- to make sure that they aren't going anywhere.

something stupid

2009-05-07T21:24:00.002-06:00

Yes, I know that I know better than to mess with my medications myself, but that is exactly what I did- or didn't do, depending on how you want to look at it. I just decided Sunday that I was done taking my pills so I didn't refill my weekly pill container and well it didn't kick in until yesterday when basically everything had cleared my system and I had a major breakdown/panic attack. We were supposed to go out with friends last night, instead I was in bed with a migraine, calming down from the biggest panic attack I have ever had, and having my entire family worrying about me and trying to figure out why I did what I did. I don't even know why I did what I did, except that I hate taking pills everyday, I hate being 'crazy'; I want my old life back, but I know that that isn't going to happen- that makes me sad, I miss my old life before- so what if I was a little manic or didn't pay attention all the time- was that really all that bad- I want to go back to before I lost any of my babies, I want that pain to go away- I don't want their memories to be gone, just the pain of their losses. Why did we wait so long, why did we listen to the wrong people and wait? I feel like it is my fault because I didn't make my own choices, I didn't listen to my husband when he was ready to have a family which was a long time ago- no I wanted to wait and go to school and have better jobs and where has that gotten us? More pain, and a breakdown and me doing stupid crap.

Counseling assignment

2009-03-26T14:33:00.002-06:00

I received an assignment from my counselor yesterday- we talked about jealously and envy. I am starting to feel less jealous about Jill's pregnancy, but I still envy her- I want so much to be happy and to say that everything is great and happy everywhere, but I am so afraid of the questions that are going to start. The questions that up until now we had both been dodging- she was better at it than I was, she could always get the subject changed quickly away from starting families to something less personal- I don't know how to do that- I just breakdown even thinking of the dreaded question coming up- only my parents know about the losses we have suffered, and I guess one aunt that my mom has talked to- but most of the family has no clue- I don't want them feeling sorry for me or thinking that they have to be careful around me because I am unstable. I admit that I envy what Jill has- I want what she has- I am trying to get over it and face it, but it is hard.

Darker place getting a little brighter

2009-03-18T15:01:00.002-06:00

I am starting to feel a little less down about my cousins pregnancy. I am a little less jealous, I am even a little excited for now, I am happy to be able to say that. I haven't seen or talked to her yet, so hopefully when that happens I will stay in the same mood. I want to be happy for her, this should be a wonderful time in her life, even if it isn't mine- I need to learn not be jealous.

Such a deep dark place

2009-03-16T10:15:00.002-06:00

I just can't seem to get out of this deep dark hole that I am in- I look at how long our angels have been gone and I see almost 4 years of nothing but pain- every 7 to 10 months for the last 4 years that is what we have done, gotten pregnant only to loose our precious baby after enough time went to get attached and make hopes and dreams that have been ripped away and shattered completely in an bloody instant. A fragment of time that leaves me feeling broken and worthless- I can't give my dh children or my parents grandchildren- I am leaving a legacy of me being crazy and useless. That is how I feel most days lately- I am no longer a nurse- the thought brings me sheer panic- I am not a mother to living children- I have statues of angels in a memorial rose garden. I want my babies that I cannot have, that I will never and that breaks my heart. I thought that I was coming to terms with what biology had dealt to us and we had been fated to be childless- but I don't want to be, I hate this life, I don't want it- I want my babies so desperately it hurts.

Does he stop to think about me?

2009-03-14T12:53:00.002-06:00

Last night dh I guess was trying to comfort me or something, when in the midst of it he told me he doesn't know how much more of all of this he can take- well excuse me that my breakdown's have become an interference in his life, but what about mine- has he ever stopped to think about how much more of this that I can take?! I hate feeling jealous, crying whenever I think about the pregnancy that isn't mine- the baby that will be here in August that isn't ours- the fact that we can't even ttc because of MY medications. Has he even stopped to think that about any of that- I am sorry that I am screwing up his life- no I don't do things during the day, no I don't want him to quit his new job to stay home and babysit me- thanks for that thought, I am adult, yes I have mental issues, but I don't need a freaking babysitter! I just need someone to listen to me, someone that cares about me, someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay even when I feel like it is not and feel like the world is ending and out to get me. That is all I need, is that too much to ask for- maybe it is.

When is this going to stop?!

2009-03-13T15:38:00.002-06:00

I am having my daily breakdown about this pregnancy and it isn't even mine- that is the point- it isn't mine, dammit. I don't know how I am going to react when I see my cousin, I don't want to breakdown in front of her- it's not her fault that I am broken and barren, it's not her fault that we can't even try to get pregnant. We are going to end up being the only set of cousins not having kids, and trust me it definitely isn't by choice- I hate my body, why has it betrayed us like this, what did we do?

When does the pain go away?

2009-03-12T18:07:00.002-06:00

When I am going to be able to think about my cousin's pregnancy and not think about what I lost? When I am going to be able to think of her and immediately feel pain and loss and start to cry? Am I ever going to be able to feel joy for her and let go of my pain- when does that happen? When will my pain of loosing my pregnancy that she now has go away? I want to be happy for her, I really do, she is when of the cousin's that married into the family that is nice and fits with the family- I want to be happy for her, but every time I think about her my heart breaks because she has what I don't have, what I am supposed to have right now. When the hurt stop? When will heart stop breaking? When will I get my life back?

My Heart Is Breaking

2009-03-10T18:36:00.002-06:00

I just found out that one of my cousins, one that hasn't been ttc, one that shared that dreaded feeling- are they going to ask that question 'so when are you going to start a family dear'- I just found out that that cousin is pregnant- not planned, but by accident- she is 4 months pregnant, where I should be right now had I not miscarried in December. So, yes, she is also due in August just as I was- I had my breakdown already, I am hoping I don't breakdown in front of her- she didn't know that I was pregnant, we didn't get the chance to tell any of our family before we lost our sweet angel. I am just hoping she isn't due the same day that I was supposed to be due.

Birthday Cake Delivered

2009-02-21T23:29:00.002-07:00

Birthday cake and cupcakes have been delivered and devoured. They were a big hit....didn't get any pictures of said cake before candles were lit, but it was enjoyed, so I am happy. Mostly happy that it is done....had a mini breakdown with the frosting not turning out the way that it was supposed to, I wanted everything perfect, and when we got there this evening the birthday boy thought that it was wonderful, so I had worried for nothing. It is nice to have friends that just appreciate you for you.

Birthday Cake Update

2009-02-18T19:37:00.002-07:00

Well the 2nd time around worked better, the cake is in the freezer waiting to be frosted on Saturday, the cupcakes are in their storage container waiting for frosting and there are a few leftover for us to eat, the cake is pretty good, very moist, which is why it is in the freezer so that it will be stiff enough to frost without destroying it. So in a better mood, no more panic attacks. For today anyway. :)

Birthday Cake Disaster

2009-02-18T09:10:00.002-07:00

Attempted to bake a birthday cake for a friend last night, and well let's just say the monster under the sink had a tasty meal. This used to be no big deal for me, but apparently it now is. I started a small fire in the oven so it (the oven) is now on the self-cleaning cycle to get rid of the rest of the mess that I made.

We are going to attempt the baking thing again today since I said that I provide the birthday cake, dh is going to help me this time, let's hope this time is less eventful and actually works.

Injection update

2009-02-15T20:34:00.002-07:00

So far the injections aren't doing anything, I am still having headaches. I am trying not to be to down about it yet, the doctor did say it could take a few weeks for the injections to take effect. So I am trying to stay hopeful.

Why

2009-02-12T23:03:00.002-07:00

I for some reason started thinking about this tonight and I am not sure why. The Octo-Mom is everywhere on TV and it is really getting to me. Why is she allowed an instant family and I can't even have one healthy baby?! Why is my body broken and hers works?! Yes, she has suffered from miscarriage, so she knows that pain and heartache- but then she seems to shove it all in our faces with first having six children all via IVF and now with having eight- WTF! She shows no sense of caring that there are thousands of us out here that can't have just one baby, let alone eight!

She is on welfare and thinks that it is perfectly fine that we all take care of her monstrous family- what if we want a family, is she going to pay for ours? NO, because she is staying at home taking care of her 14 babies.

My counselor wants me to get in touch with a family member or a friend that has a child or children the ages of those that I have lost- he thinks that by me getting close to them that it would some how help me get better- whatever! I don't know how to get it through to him that I am trying to move on with my life, and I know that a child is not part of that plan- I have four angels, I have four freaking statutes- I don't get to pretend 'hey what if' everyone in my life has seemed to move on but me. I don't want everyone to dwell over my losses but to acknowledge that the lives were here, that they meant something to more than just me- that I wasn't the only one that had hopes and dreams ripped out of my heart. Hubby has gotten better, but at times I know he is doing it all for me. I know that he hurts too- but I know he thinks I should be over this by now. My family that knows thinks that I should be past this- so at times I feel like I have a silent personal heartbreak that I can't share with anyone because the mourning period ended a long time ago. I don't know that I will ever be over loosing my angels- from the moment that I knew I was pregnant I tried not to get attached for fear of a broken heart, but human nature just takes over and you start to make hopes and dreams that become shattered to the point that I don't even know how to pick up the pieces anymore.

I am back to being bitter around pregnant women and I hate that when I am like that- I should be happy for them, I don't know their situation, they could have had problems like I did- but I still under my breath utter the horrible words of bitch or worse, and then feel guilty that I feel that way about them, I should be happy for them, they are starting or adding to their family- it isn't their fault that I am broken. I hate being broken, it isn't fair, it really isn't.

2 years

2009-02-11T18:13:00.002-07:00

2 years ago today we said goodbye to our sweet little grey mouse- Ruth Ann. It is hard to believe that it has been 2 years already. Goodnight my sweet angel.

Procedure done

2009-02-11T17:59:00.002-07:00

Well, my procedure is finished- and I am so glad! It hurt a lot! They gave me limited sedation, if any because they were afraid of me having an allergic reaction, so I felt every injection- all six of them!

Now we wait to see if they worked, I had a headache the day of the procedure and yesterday and my neck hurt, but today my head feels better and my neck is not so achy. My doctor told me it could take a couple of weeks to notice a difference if I notice any difference at all. WE are all hoping that the injections help. So fingers are crossed as we patiently wait.

Getting Ready

2009-02-09T08:15:00.002-07:00

Well in about 15 minutes we will be leaving for the hospital. I am not as nervous this morning, but I am still a little nervous. The cats know that something is up because we both aren't usually up and moving around at this time of day, the little one won't eat her breakfast- she is a little skittish around change. So my next post will be tomorrow when I feel better, today I will be coming back home and sleeping off the sedation.

Nervous

2009-02-08T15:57:00.002-07:00

Well in less than 24 hours I have my procedure down. I found out that I am going to have IV sedation, which is a good thing, because if it is anything like having my knees done, I don't want to be awake for that pain in my neck. I am just afraid that it isn't going to work. I don't know, hopefully it will at least decrease the frequency and intensity of my headaches, that would be a good thing, anything would be better than where I am at now.

Richard has admitted that he doesn't want to give up on having children, but he also admits that he doesn't want to put me through any more pain or heartbreak. We have a garden full of angels, our newest to be placed this spring- we purchased everything needed to make her stepping stone as soon as the weather warms up- he even picked out the candle holder this time. It is difficult knowing that his dream of being a father to living children will never be realized, I hate that- it isn't fair, but I just can't go through any more losses and stay sane- my heart has been broken too many times, I can't do it any more.

Headaches and life

2009-02-04T17:49:00.002-07:00

Well I am back to having almost daily headaches, I am trying to deal with life and the headaches; some days are easier than others. My pain doctor switched my pain medicine from fentanyl to dilaudid- something stronger but it is a pill so it takes longer for it to kick in than the lollipops did, but the lollipops had stopped working and I was ending up in the ER which is another horrible story in itself. They are beginning to treat me like a drug seeker- I actually left the hospital the last time still having a headache, just not as bad as when I went in because I have a pain doctor and I have signed a pain medication contract so the ER doctor would only give me one dose of pain medication then sent me home- even though my contract states that if I notify my doctor and get permission or it is an emergency I am allowed to go to the ER for treatment. So I am basically at the point that the ER is pointless even if I am in extreme pain and my pain meds have not worked and I have permission. Oh well, life will go on in pain or not.

Monday I am going in for a procedure that will hopefully help me with my headaches, anyway that is the hope of my pain doctor. I will be going to the surgery center for a 15-20 minute injection of deadening agent and steroids into the joint space of my neck on the right side. After my last visit with my doctor during the exam he determined that I may have some type of nerve damage that is causing some of my headaches. So the hope of the injections is to lessen the frequency and intensity of my headaches. I don't know if I going to feel it immediately or it is going to take a day or two. I am a little nervous to have this done, I am afraid that it is going to hurt; I think I am going to be somewhat sedated given the time I have to be there and the time my procedure is scheduled- there is an hour and a half difference between when I get there and when I have the actual procedure- but who knows, didn't ask. I am also afraid that it isn't going to work or that something will go wrong. I am putting all my trust into the hands of my doctor.

Wish me luck.

Having a bad time

2009-01-06T13:01:00.002-07:00

This past weekend/week has been rough. I have had bad thoughts, breakdowns, wanted it all to end, etc. I see a new psych today, isn't she lucky. I don't know if it is the holiday let down that has me down or what, I just can't get out of this funk. I don't have the energy to do anything, I don't want to do anything but lay on the couch and zone. That is what I have done pretty much since New Year's. I occasionally shower if I think about or have somewhere important like a doctor appt to go to and even then it feels like a struggle to do it. I just don't care anymore. I get up take pills, zone and wait for the day to get over, I eat if I remember or think about it. I know my dh is worried about me, but I don't have the energy to care; he drags me out occasionally and then I come back home and zone some more until it is time to go to bed. That is my day lately.

Made it through the holiday

2008-12-26T12:29:00.002-07:00

Well, I made it through Christmas. It was tough I won't lie or try to make it sound all cheerful. Luckily the questions didn't come up, although it did break my heart when my Mom said that she didn't have any grandchildren she has grandkitties- this was during a conversation on Christmas Eve with my Aunt who also just has a grandpuppy; but her kids have only just gotten married so there is more time, they haven't been married for 11 years and trying for years. Oh well. So life goes.

I got a new statue ordered today, it is a little angel napping in cradled hands, I can't wait to get it, of course it won't go in the garden until springtime, but it is coming all the same.

It is Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T10:33:00.002-07:00

Today is supposed to be a happy day. It has been 5 days since we lost our last baby and I just don't feel in the holiday spirit. Dh and I are supposed to go to for family dinner tonight and I really don't want to go. I am still crying at the drop of a hat, commercials are making me cry. I just want the holidays to be over.

Handling things

2008-12-21T10:14:00.002-07:00

I am handling everything unusually well. I don't know if it just hasn't hit yet or what. I have lost it a few times but I am keeping it together better than I thought that I would. I thought that I would be an emotional wreck with this loss, but I haven't been, don't get me wrong I am sad and angry and all of that, but I am trying to stay strong. I have broke down a few times but I just don't think it has completely hit yet. I have a feeling when I return to counseling or to my psych after the first of the year I am going to lose it completely.

Mother of Four

2008-12-19T16:33:00.003-07:00

It is official, I am now the mother of four angels in heaven. We have lost our dream again, the cramping and bleeding has increased, it is over. I don't know why my body keeps doing this to me, but it does, it has betrayed us once again. I don't know if I can do this all again, we are going to look into the IUD after the holidays. Rest in peace precious angel- her name was going to be Olivia Grace.

I think that we may be done

2008-12-19T08:34:00.002-07:00

Not to be gross or anything but I have started to have some bleeding this morning, so I think that we may be done. I had a feeling that this was going to happen, I tried to be positive and have only happy thoughts, but when this is the only thing that has ever happened it is hard to have positive thoughts all the time. We had been hoping that this would be the one, but I don't think so, I think that it is ending like all the others. I am sad, but not as sad as I thought that I would be, maybe I am still in shock. I had hoped that we would at least have made it to Yule/Christmas, but I don't think that is going to happen now.

Still Cooking.....

2008-12-10T09:32:00.002-07:00

Well as Dh puts it I am still cooking. LOL. No sign of a visitor of that sort has shown up to date. Just have painful breasts and lots of nausea, have even thrown up a few times. So maybe we will get what we want for Christmas/Yule this year.

Let the fun begin

2008-12-05T10:03:00.002-07:00

Well the test said negative, but my body says otherwise.....the nausea has started and this morning I started vomiting. Maybe it is all in my head but I still haven't started. It is possible that we tested too early a few more weeks if nothing I will have missed 2 cycles then I see the OB/GYN and go from there. Hopefully this weekend while we are out of town, supposed to be enjoying each others company and relaxing isn't impeded by the nausea and vomiting too much. If it does turn out in the end that we are pregnant I will gladly take the nausea any day of the week.

Anxious

2008-12-04T09:43:00.002-07:00

I can't help but feel anxious. I am excited and scared all at the same time. I am trying not to get my hopes up only to have them crushed as they have been so many times in the past, but I have never been this late, and I feel great to boot. I called family practice to ask about the coumadin and whether or not I should be taking it. I am still waiting for them to call me back about that. Coumadin is not a safe drug should things be what seems to be happening. It could also be that I am stressed, but then I would be having headaches, anyway that is my norm when I am stressed and I haven't had one headache so I don't think that I am stressed, although I beginning to get stressed if I am potentially harming something that we have worked so hard for. This is getting frustrating the waiting, I am obviously not a very patient person. I need and want answers and I am not getting any, I don't want to seem pushy, or overly bitchy but this is my life that is being messed with and I am not liking it.

Less than helpful......

2008-12-03T10:17:00.002-07:00

Talked to the OB/GYN office yesterday for what it was worth. The aide told me (even after I told her that I am on many incompatible meds) that since I got a negative test not to worry until I have missed 2 cycles, so now I am just waiting, again. And stressing out mildly that if I am pregnant what harm is being done because of the meds that I am taking. I am anxious almost all the time now, so those meds aren't working any more anyway. The holidays are coming so I am stressing out about that, my main goal this is to put up the tree and decorate it- we got some new ornaments for our three angels- actually dh found them and told me that I could get them if I put names on them- so as soon as I got home I got the puffy paints out and wrote their names on the angel wings. I am happy but nervous all at the same time, trying not to get my hopes up so that they won't be destroyed if my cycle suddenly starts or if something else happens. But being this late it is hard not to think about the what ifs.

Still waiting....

2008-12-02T08:50:00.002-07:00

Took a test this morning and it was negative, well the first one didn't work at all; no control line nothing- so was just going to bag the whole the thing, but then I had to pee again so tried another test and it was negative, but still no cycle starting or any sign of it showing up.

Late

2008-12-01T19:09:00.002-07:00

I know that it is probably all the stress that I have been under or the meds that I am taking, but I am still nervous. I am a week late! Before stress has made me only a few days not miss an entire cycle completely. I guess I keep hoping that talking about will make it start. I confided in my Mom tonight and she asked me what we would do if we were- I told her that I don't know, because I don't. I mean I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them ripped apart like before, but I don't want to be dreading it either. With all the meds I am taking right so many of the are not baby safe and that scares me so much. My Mom told to call and check in with my OB/GYN in the morning so for now those are my plans, I will also take a test in the morning just to see.

Counseling and just catching up

2008-11-29T17:42:00.002-07:00

Well, I have started counseling again, I think it will be better this time around; I feel a lot more comfortable with this counselor- although I haven't figured out why just yet.

I had a second stay in the ICU since being here last, it was a few days after my first stay, for the same thing- had the adenosine stress test while admitted that showed that my heart was healthy- which is a good thing. Just no explanation as to why I was having chest pain, which has now thankfully stopped just as suddenly as it started. My arm where the blood clot was is also feeling much better. I am still on coumadin and will be permanently since the doctors don't know why I have continued to get clots at my age- so we are definitely done ttc as coumadin is category x for pregnancy. And wouldn't you know because of this I am 5 days late, it is highly unlikely that I am pregnant, most likely it is do to all the stress that I have experienced the last few weeks, but it is a cruel joke all the same. Something that I don't need right now.

Scheduled for a stress test

2008-11-12T12:54:00.002-07:00

Well, I am scheduled for a stress test early Friday morning and I am scared to death. Don't know why, I am not even sure what they are going to do- sounds partly like they are going to give me medications. I am just nervous and having a bad day and more testing isn't helping. I am still having some chest pain or discomfort whatever you want to call it, it started up again this morning- I don't know whether to ignore it or what- it scares me. I almost wish that they would find something.

Adventures in the ICU

2008-11-10T18:21:00.002-07:00

Well I have now been home for 24 hours from little stint in the ICU. Yes, that is what I said, I was in the ICU Saturday for observation of chest pain and headache because I have a blood clot in my left arm and I guess the clots in the arms have a higher tendency to break off and travel else where in the body. Per CT exam I don't have any clots in my lungs this time which is why they kept me because it didn't feel like my asthma and a breathing treatment didn't help any. So I got to stay the day and night in the hospital. And I forgot just how many times we wake up ICU patients I swear that every time I had just gotten to sleep the nurse came in or lab showed up or something else. Not to mention the fact that once they increased my diet from clear liquid (at lunch) t0 cardiac blah at dinner my headache for one came back with a vengeance but I think that they advanced my diet a little to quickly from nothing to solids because I tried really hard to give it back. :( So, my dh sat with while they gave me meds for the nausea and I sat with my pink bucket trying not heave. Then he sat with me while I used my meds from home for my headache which worked for a little bit as I ended up getting meds via my IV that thankfully knocked me out....finally and made my headache go away. So here I am waiting to figure out why for one I keep getting blood clots- this is my second major one in 4 years, and then my second in about a month (had a superficial thrombophlebitis the end of September) and then trying to figure out what happened this weekend.

I got permission to stop shooting myself (well, my mother and my dh) in the stomach with blood thinning injections today from the doctor, my blood is finally 'thin' enough and the oral meds have kicked in that I don't need them anymore- YEAH! My stomach was getting quite bruised and was oozing blood almost continuously- yeah, I know gross. So, now I am just taking as dh puts oral rat poison for the rest of my life- yippee! Oh yes and I have a stress test scheduled for early Friday morning- I am so excited to show how out of shape I am- I am beyond thrilled, but I think because of the instructions I got I am also get medications, I am a little nervous, but hopefully it won't show anything other than I am massively out of shape. We shall see.

Meds suck!

2008-10-25T15:03:00.002-06:00

Well, I have had this splotchy, dry skin type 'rash' all over my face since starting Prozac a few weeks ago- this morning after showering and washing my face it turned into something much worse! I look like I have a huge horrible burn on my face! It hurts a lot and looks hideous- my psych finally got with me and told me to stop the Prozac and watch for blisters anywhere on my body- thrilling- NOT! If the rash gets worse I am supposed to go to the ER or contact my primary care physician (who would tell me to go the ER)- I am so sick of meds and their side effects, especially when I turn out to be one of those special patients you know the 1 in 100 or 1000 that gets this particular side effect- I can't even be normal when it comes to side effects. My face hurts, it looks like some threw hot water or something on it, and I am in a bad mood- oh yes, and to top it all off, I have a headache to! I love my life.....whatever

3 years

2008-10-24T12:24:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow will be 3 years since our journey to trying to become parents began and sadly ended within a few weeks.

We had so many hopes and dreams that we had been planning for so many years. Even though it has been 3 years it seems like just yesterday that we were finding out that we were pregnant and then that we were losing her. I can still remember the events of the day like it was yesterday. I do admit that I am handling this anniversary much better this year than I have in the past. I have been teary, but I haven't had a complete breakdown like last year. I think I am finally healing from the pain and the loss. But it does still hurt not having them with me where they should be, they are with me in my heart and I think of them often and love them everyday.

2008-10-18T15:57:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow will be 1 year. Yep, we should be celebrating Little Mouse's 1st birthday tomorrow, instead we are coming to terms with the fact that she's not here, neither are brother or sister. None of them ever will be with us physically, but they will forever be with us in our hearts, and on Miss Mouse's- Miss Ruth Ann's 1st birthday we think of them all and heals our hearts a little bit more.

Ambien is my friend

2008-10-17T14:10:00.002-06:00

Need to take it much earlier than I did last night, but I finally slept without taking over an hour to fall asleep grinding my teeth the entire time, etc, etc. Bottom line, I slept and woke up feeling rested, the first time in I don't know how long, will like I said play with the time I take it so that I get up before 11am.