Time Stands Still

I have a new hair color, starting to get a newer looking body, wearing clothes that I have always wanted to; but was too concerned with how others would see me. The new hair color- blue/black, the new body- finally starting to lose weight, now I just need to figure out how to stop sabotaging myself at every turn. Those are quite a few changes for someone who isn't always up for a lot of change, my new way of looking at things is this, if I really wanted it and it is attainable, then do it! This isn't going so well in all aspects of my life. Lately, I have started having horrible thoughts or name calling when I see a pg woman. Fortunately I'm not feeling those particular feelings regarding my family members that are currently pg, I think happy thoughts about them and can't wait for babies to get here in the next couple of months. There just seems to be an outbreak, that I will forever be immune too, of pg. Maybe it is all the graduations, pre-school, Kindergarten, Elementary, Middle, High School and College. I'm so very happy for all of my family and friends that have children and/or grandchildren, nieces, nephews, whatever that are ending one journey and starting the next. Children's lives have been so disrupted lately; 20 school shootings in the last 5 1/2 months. Children don't just have storm, fire, earthquake drills; they now also have 'Active Shooter' drills so that the littlest of littles know what shelter in place means- people are trying to figure out how to make desks bullet proof, safe rooms that can not only stand up to an F5 tornado, the enclosure itself is completely unbreachable and bulletproof- bonus feature- it can hold up to 60 to 80 children. Time Heals All Wounds- BULLSHIT!It will be 26 years on July 11 and September 23; and it still feels like it was yesterday. We lost our daughter, Brierley Isabel, 13 years ago, on October 25, she would be 12 years old on July 1. Our son, Henry Philip, was lost 12 years ago on July 5, he would have been 11 on March 8. We lost our second daughter, RuthAnn, 11 years ago, she would be 11 on October 19. Our third daughter, Olivia Grace, was lost 10 years ago on December 19, should would have been 9 on August 22. And last, but not at all the least, we lost our fifth and final child, our fourth daughter, Lillian 'Lily' Rose, 6 years ago on January 7, she would be 6 years old on July 26. I have other dates that go through my mind, happy thoughts like my Sweet Hunny Bunny proposed to me on July 5, 22 years ago, we will have been married for 21 years on June 21. Why can't time slow down sometimes so we can have a chance, the time, to process these moments in our lives; both happy and sad. When will I be happy again? Will I be happy again? Can I be happy again. How many more baby showers will I miss? I'm truly happy for the two family members that are expecting, I can't wait until little Princess Charlie Lee and Mr.BBK (Baby Boy Kasel)arrive over the next few months. Little Charlie Lee, I will probably never meet as she is currently residing in Boston, or if/when I get to see her in person she won't be a cuddly little baby- I know there will be tons of instagram, FB, YouTube pics; maybe that is why I'm not freaking out about her, she is so far away. Mr.BBK on the other hand is about 10 minutes away, which as soon as I found out that he was coming I have been over the moon- I can't wait to meet this little man and hopefully be in his life. I don't want it to be because my husband and I are now the crazy great aunt and uncle that my cousins and I have always had. I want him to know me, sleep in my arms, steal my heart. When will I not have to excuse myself so no one sees me cry.

It's Been A While....

I haven't been keeping up on my blog as much as I used to, at one point in time. Many things have happened in the 5 years; surgeries, falls, hospitalizations, babies (not mine), crocheting, bumps, bruises, blood, etc.. I am now a type 2 diabetic, insulin dependant, still trying to become healthier- both physically and mentally. So much has happened in our government, we have an idiot for a president; we have lost so many young people in school shootings and mass tragedies. In the last few years Richard and I have reluctantly decided it was actually for the best that our children didn't survive for there is so much heartache, death, bullying in our world that we wouldn't want to put our children in that position, ever.

Understand, but still hurts.

Today's not a good day really horrible headache I know a lot to deal with right now. Hubby admitted that sometimes he wants to be away from me and right now is one of those times. I understand, I really do; sometimes I don't want to have to deal with me either. I know he feels like he does everything in the house, out of the house, everything. I can't even remember the last time we were intimate. We cuddle briefly at night, but before either of us fall asleep, he turns onto his back or his left side and then I roll onto my right side and that is it. I wish he could get away sometime, but with his work schedule he can't do that. He told me is looking forward to Summer as I will probably go camping with my parents for up to a week; a break for both of us. 

Even though I understand, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. 

Thinking and Procrastinating

 Two days ago was October 15th, the national day of remembrance for pregnancy, infant, stillborn, SIDS and child loss awareness day. It is also referred to as the 'Wave of Light' as everyone who has had a loss, knows someone that has had a loss, anyone that cares; internationally at 7 pm in your time zone we light a candle(s), release lanterns- participants are only asked to light a candle(s) starting at 7 pm and let it burn until 8 pm. If there was a way to do it, it would be awesome to see the 'Wave of Light' as it reaches 7 pm in all the different time zones, I think that it would be beautiful. My parents not only lit their own candle, they came over to our house to see the Lotus Blossom Lanterns that we had and to record and watch the lantern fill with hot air, and then watch it as it left mine and Richard's hands. We watched as it quickly rose and floated away- it was beautiful and healing in a way that I never thought would be. Things have changed with my parents and a few other family members as well. Richard and I openly talk about our Angels, by their names or nicknames. It doesn't feel as awkward to do so with my parents like it used to. I don't know who in my family knows anything, about our infertility troubles, about our losses, that these were and are our children and no, I am not going to have a psychotic break or even a panic/anxiety attack if my family talks about their children or mine. Most of my family and Richard's parents (We have no idea who knows what, or if they know anything at all) knew about our last pregnancy as we were far enough along that we were comfortable in making an official announcement, we knew this would be our one and only pregnancy where that was possible. Only problem with that (and announcing on Face Book) was then we had to do a mass announcement that we had miscarried again and there would be no baby coming July 26, 2012.
During the winter holidays in 2010, I thought that I had finally 'come to terms' (I hate that phrase, btw) with this is how are life was going to be, that we wouldn't have children spying under the tree looking for that elusive glass pickle ornament that meant they got to play Santa and hand out presents. I found a beautiful, fragile Boyd's Bears cookie plate and mug set for Santa that we had purchased back in 2008 on a weekend trip to McCall. I have always tried to not have anything baby related (crib, clothes, etc) in the house, I saw it as bad luck and then what happens when we lose another baby and the nursery is set up for no one. But something felt special about the set and we both agreed we needed to buy it now as it is something that won't be there to buy when we are ready. 2010 was the first time we put up the tree AND decorated it (the tree was put up the year that we bought it, it sat with no lights, no decorations and I couldn't get it out of the house fast enough), I wanted this event to bring me peace, I envisioned the house lights turned out and sitting with Richard the only lights around are the faint glow of the outside Christmas lights and the beautiful white lights on the tree. I had heard from several of the people in my support groups that this was also what they had done, they along with their significant other decorated for the first time in a year or so, they had special ornaments for their Angel(s) and when they were done, they sat back with their loved one, holding each other as they looked at their beautiful tree, they sat there together and cried softly thinking of what precious memories that they had, taking a moment for themselves without family and friends asking questions or them questioning you about things you aren't ready to talk about, things that are private or special only to themselves. Our tree was very beautiful that year, and it made me happy, it was difficult at times, but I was glad that we had done it, maybe, just maybe, we were finally accepting the hand dealt to us. 2011, we were expecting one last little miracle and were having difficulty with doctor's, testing, etc...we were both stressed out, we didn't put the tree up because we just didn't have the time and we were worried about Sprout. Watching my cousins and their children at the family Christmas get together was great, Richard and I kept glancing at each other as it was still just our secret- I hadn't told my Mom or my best friend. We kept thinking that next Christmas we would have a 5 month old that would be the ohh's and ahh's at the party. Christmas Eve we let our parents know that they were going to be grandparents the end of July 2012. I was also excited because my cousins from Oklahoma and Indiana and their kids would be here in Idaho around the 4th of July...so close to our delivery date- I was so happy to share this with my cousin.
Last year I was back to were I had been before, I didn't care about the tree, the lights, the decorations- I just wanted it all over with, packed up and gone.
Now, here we are, 2013...the deal has been made with Richard and my Mom, Richard will decorate outside as he does every year, he will put the tree up and string it with lights. Then, it is my turn, he brings all the boxes into the living room- just seeing the towers of ornaments, decorations and whatnot is very overwhelming to me. My Mom has made the deal with me that if we get the tree up and lit, she will come over and help me decorate it. I am also going to ask her to help me consolidate all the Christmas stuff so not every box has to come inside. Well, I think this is good for now, I have things that must get done before our Halloween Party on Saturday. Will write more later, I want to have it in writing somewhere the meanings and reasoning's behind our little one's names.

Return To Zero and other thoughts...

There is a new movie that has yet to have a release date, that is because this movie is the story, the true story, of a subject that no one wants to talk about, think about, admit that it happens because then the whole ugly truth will rear its very ugly head. And, that huge elephant in the middle of the room will have to be addressed, and we all know that no one wants to have to do that. It is so much easier to keep it all in a dark corner that when talked about is nothing more than a very low hush so that no one will hear you, be offended, be hurt, have to face the truth. This movie that I truly hope will make it passed the critics is called 'Return To Zero' it is the story of a family and the devastation that losing a baby can have on that family. It is based on a true family, it could be the story of many families I know, it could be my family's story.
The first time I remember hearing of someone losing a baby was when I was 7 or 8 years old. I had been with my Grandmother all day while my Mom was at work, when my Mom came to get me I overheard her talking with my Grandmother about a co-worker that had lost their baby. I don't remember the circumstances of the loss, the age of the baby, none of that, what I do remember was that there was an old plastic corsage box, I thought that I was being helpful by suggesting that I could put some pretty flowers in it and Mom could give it to her friend because it looked like a coffin. I don't really remember what was said by anyone, but I vaguely remember the reaction of both my Mom and my Grandmother, they weren't completely horrified by what their child/grandchild had just suggested, they were more afraid of what I had heard and tried to explain why my gift was thoughtful, it just wasn't appropriate. I remember being a little confused by that, someone died and I just happen to have this nice box that reminded me of a coffin, wasn't that where they put someone who had died? Was it different with babies? Why was it so hush, hush? The corsage box was thrown away, we went home and didn't talk about it ever again.
Like most little girls I had always dreamed that I would grow up, get married and have babies! I had been told at the age of 18 that I would most likely have difficulty conceiving, but it really wasn't a problem, I would just have to take some medication and everything would be fine, besides I was only 18, had no boyfriend, no prospects and most of all, I had time on my side. Fast forward about 3 years, I am now married, but we wanted to wait a few years before starting our family. My ObGyn suggested I try the DepoProvera injections as I hated taking pills, would forget to take my pills and the Depo would prevent the ovarian cysts that I had become prone to, it would also help with my irregular, extremely heavy and painful cycles. It sounded perfect. Looking back I wish I had chosen something else, I didn't get all the information about the Depo, this was partly due to the fact it had not been out on the market all that long so no one knew all of the information about the medication. The Internet wasn't like it is now, if I had had access and the forethought I would have researched the Depo and maybe found that people who had taken it long term (a year or more- I was on it for almost 3 years) were having difficulty with their cycles being irregular and/or delayed up to a year AFTER stopping the Depo. At times I blame myself for not trying to find out more information, for blindly trusting my MD that this was the best option. When we did decide that we were ready to stop the Depo so that we could start planning to start our family. After a small mishap with the MIL we did eventually stop the Depo in March of 1999; my cycle finally returned in November 1999, but it was more screwed up than it had been prior to the Depo, now it appeared that my body wasn't ovulating at all, but we were reassured that this is what can happen with the Depo (now they know) and we will stick with the same plan- fertility medications and we would be pregnant in no time at all- okay, we could go with that. Changing jobs between me and Richard, me deciding to finally go back to nursing school; we both decided that we had waited this long, what was another 2-3 years? Fast forward again...2003, I have one year left of nursing school and finally the waiting would be over! Instead of getting excited about finally starting our family excuse after excuse came up to wait just a little bit longer- get a better job, be at better job for a few months so the stress of orientation and nursing wouldn't be so overwhelming, just another month and I would have benefits. First road block, November 2004 I developed a blood clot in my leg and one in the base of each lung- I have to take Coumadin for the next 6 months to treat this...Coumadin is Category X for pregnancy pharmaceuticals, basically the two DO NOT mix and it is believed that the blood clots were caused by extra estrogen in my system from the years of hormone replacement therapy that I had been given over the last decade in the attempts to save my fertility by keeping the ovarian cysts at bay so that I wouldn't develop further scar tissue and further damage from the endometriosis that had been developing on my reproductive organs over the last several years; now as a precaution I could no longer take/use estrogen based birth control and being on the Coumadin we were given explicit instructions to prevent pregnancy at all costs. In December 2004 I developed one of my famous ovarian cysts, it didn't require surgery at that time, but we would need to keep an eye on it- hoping that it resolved on its own. By April 2005  the cyst had grown and become more painful, so the decision was made to surgically remove the cyst and the endometriosis, check on abdominal adhesions and other scar tissue, there was also the possibility that the right ovary may need to be removed. Although we had discussed it, Richard did not want me to sign the consent form, he didn't want to lessen our chances of having a baby. I thought that if the ovary was going to be a continuing problem, causing more scar tissue, ultimately causing us to not be able to have a baby, the way I looked at it was that we were being left with at least one functioning ovary. Instructions were given to the surgeon that the ovary would only be removed if absolutely necessary, consents were signed, surgery performed, ovary stayed. In May 2005 we finally made a firm decision that we would start to try in September 2005- my orientation would be finished, I would be comfortable in my new job, I would have benefits. Yet another road block...I lost my new job because they weren't comfortable with my latex allergy and the possible liability to the hospital (what I got for working for a privately owned hospital). So, yet again, what's another couple of months, we've waited this long...luckily for us mother nature finally decided to intervene, that and the surgery 5 months earlier got everything cleaned out and ready for an occupant. I can still remember waking up that September morning and realizing that my cycle hadn't started and that I was feeling a little different, I woke Richard up and told him what was going on, he thought that I was being crazy, but he humored me, retrieved my Maternal Nursing textbook and looked up pregnancy symptoms...as he went down the list I kept checking off symptoms. He still didn't believe that this could be happening, he came home with a HPT (home preg test) that evening....because we wanted to do it right we waited until the first thing the next morning, you know, the hormones are supposed to be more concentrated first thing in the morning...that night seemed to take forever! I finally made it to about 6 am, and then we waited for what seemed like forever...when you are waiting to see those 2 pink lines 3 minutes seems like hours! When the time was finally up we were both a little afraid to look, I think we were not sure how to react either way...finally I picked it up and at first I thought that it was a BFN (big fat negative), but then I looked a little closer and there really were 2 pink lines...they were faint, but they were actually there! I made Richard look at too, just to be sure that I wasn't imagining that they were there- he saw them too, our first BFP (big fat positive), it was really happening! We kept our secret between the 2 of us for as long as we could- we did the math and discovered that this little Angel was going to be due on my Mom's birthday and just days before my MIL's birthday; what was so special about this was that my Mom was born on her Grandmother's 50th birthday and she had always talked about how special that was for her to share her birthday with her Grandmother, Richard and I couldn't think of anything better than to be able to tell our Mom's what we 'got' them for their birthdays next year...our little Angel got her name in honor of some very special Grandmothers- Richard's biological Grandmother's last name would be her first and my Great-Grandmother (who I am named after, who shared her birthday with her Granddaughter and soon her Great-Great-Granddaughter) provided the middle name- Brierley Isabel.
She was and always will be our first, our little Angel that we never thought would become an Angel quite so quickly. There is much more to her story, it plays every so often over and over again in my head when it is quiet and my thoughts slow down as well. What I will leave this entry with is a beautiful dream I once had during the short but wonderful time we had Brierley with us....On a beautiful late Summer day at sunset in the middle of a meadow of wildflowers I see the silhouette of a little pixie of a girl running through the meadow, as she runs countless white butterflies fly up around her, slowly she turns around, looking back at me and smiles. She had the fairest skin with freckles on her sun kissed cheeks, green eyes and beautiful curls of red shining in the fading sunlight. I don't know if this was what was meant to be or where she is now, either way I smile and am saddened at the same time...I am happy that I got this rare glimpse of my sweet daughter, I just wish it would stay a little longer, maybe just long enough to touch her, hold her to my heart, just once.

Ramblings In My Head

Can't sleep, but what's new? Have been trying to get the house and yard cleaned up an presentable as we have a group of friends coming over for a potluck/BBQ on Saturday. I have not been feeling well, again, what's new? I have made lists, wrote out schedules for what to do each day...these have redone again and again the past 2 weeks, the majority of it has not been done, nor will it be done before 3pm Saturday. And kinda to a pointI really don't give a shit. My parents are also having a garage sale tomorrow and Saturday. I have been collecting items from around the house- kitchen towels, crocheted pot holders, cookbooks and the like, went through my hope chest, shared some nice memories with Richard as went through some wedding stuff, cried with other memories and baby items that were gifted many years ago...items that no longer belong in the hope chest as they will never be used by us. Also getting rid of infertility/fertility/pregnancy books and such, hoping that they find a new home and will be of good use. Mom and Dad cleaned out the attic and had 3 large boxes and 2 suitcases of stuff for me to go through...that was a lot of fun! Reading old notes from Jr High, postcards from Grandparents and some odds and ends from childhood. Found items that I had thought were long gone 20-30 years ago- yearbooks from grade school, wool bag from Austria, handmade baby blankets and doll clothes. It was hard to go through it all, see it priced for someone to buy. Richard was getting frustrated because I 'had' to go through everything, yes it took some time, but I couldn't just blindly throw it away or put in a box to sell, some of it is important and I want to keep. So most of it is going to be put into my hope chest or with other keepsakes in other closets in the house.

One of the hardest jobs you'll love....

Yes, believe it or not, this department, these parents, these fragile little lives...they all made me feel alive. Holding their tiny little hands, feet, holding them for a feeding of less then 5 ml (1 tsp). This was my most rewarding job that I have had, that I will have as I am now on disability. During Nurse Awareness Week that happens to coincide with National Infertility Awareness Week. I hope that people don't have to go through any of this, but if you did, have, or are thank a nurse, give her or him a hug.
If you know someone that is going through IF, give them a hug to let them know that they aren't alone, ever. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3