Birthday Cake Delivered

Birthday cake and cupcakes have been delivered and devoured. They were a big hit....didn't get any pictures of said cake before candles were lit, but it was enjoyed, so I am happy. Mostly happy that it is done....had a mini breakdown with the frosting not turning out the way that it was supposed to, I wanted everything perfect, and when we got there this evening the birthday boy thought that it was wonderful, so I had worried for nothing. It is nice to have friends that just appreciate you for you.

Birthday Cake Update

Well the 2nd time around worked better, the cake is in the freezer waiting to be frosted on Saturday, the cupcakes are in their storage container waiting for frosting and there are a few leftover for us to eat, the cake is pretty good, very moist, which is why it is in the freezer so that it will be stiff enough to frost without destroying it. So in a better mood, no more panic attacks. For today anyway. :)

Birthday Cake Disaster

Attempted to bake a birthday cake for a friend last night, and well let's just say the monster under the sink had a tasty meal. This used to be no big deal for me, but apparently it now is. I started a small fire in the oven so it (the oven) is now on the self-cleaning cycle to get rid of the rest of the mess that I made.

We are going to attempt the baking thing again today since I said that I provide the birthday cake, dh is going to help me this time, let's hope this time is less eventful and actually works.

Injection update

So far the injections aren't doing anything, I am still having headaches. I am trying not to be to down about it yet, the doctor did say it could take a few weeks for the injections to take effect. So I am trying to stay hopeful.

Why

I for some reason started thinking about this tonight and I am not sure why. The Octo-Mom is everywhere on TV and it is really getting to me. Why is she allowed an instant family and I can't even have one healthy baby?! Why is my body broken and hers works?! Yes, she has suffered from miscarriage, so she knows that pain and heartache- but then she seems to shove it all in our faces with first having six children all via IVF and now with having eight- WTF! She shows no sense of caring that there are thousands of us out here that can't have just one baby, let alone eight! 

She is on welfare and thinks that it is perfectly fine that we all take care of her monstrous family- what if we want a family, is she going to pay for ours? NO, because she is staying at home taking care of her 14 babies. 

My counselor wants me to get in touch with a family member or a friend that has a child or children the ages of those that I have lost- he thinks that by me getting close to them that it would some how help me get better- whatever! I don't know how to get it through to him that I am trying to move on with my life, and I know that a child is not part of that plan- I have four angels, I have four freaking statutes- I don't get to pretend 'hey what if' everyone in my life has seemed to move on but me. I don't want everyone to dwell over my losses but to acknowledge that the lives were here, that they meant something to more than just me- that I wasn't the only one that had hopes and dreams ripped out of my heart. Hubby has gotten better, but at times I know he is doing it all for me. I know that he hurts too- but I know he thinks I should be over this by now. My family that knows thinks that I should be past this- so at times I feel like I have a silent personal heartbreak that I can't share with anyone because the mourning period ended a long time ago. I don't know that I will ever be over loosing my angels- from the moment that I knew I was pregnant I tried not to get attached for fear of a broken heart, but human nature just takes over and you start to make hopes and dreams that become shattered to the point that I don't even know how to pick up the pieces anymore. 

I am back to being bitter around pregnant women and I hate that when I am like that- I should be happy for them, I don't know their situation, they could have had problems like I did- but I still under my breath utter the horrible words of bitch or worse, and then feel guilty that I feel that way about them, I should be happy for them, they are starting or adding to their family- it isn't their fault that I am broken. I hate being broken, it isn't fair, it really isn't. 

2 years

2 years ago today we said goodbye to our sweet little grey mouse- Ruth Ann. It is hard to believe that it has been 2 years already. Goodnight my sweet angel.

Procedure done

Well, my procedure is finished- and I am so glad! It hurt a lot! They gave me limited sedation, if any because they were afraid of me having an allergic reaction, so I felt every injection- all six of them! 

Now we wait to see if they worked, I had a headache the day of the procedure and yesterday and my neck hurt, but today my head feels better and my neck is not so achy. My doctor told me it could take a couple of weeks to notice a difference if I notice any difference at all. WE are all hoping that the injections help. So fingers are crossed as we patiently wait.

Getting Ready

Well in about 15 minutes we will be leaving for the hospital. I am not as nervous this morning, but I am still a little nervous. The cats know that something is up because we both aren't usually up and moving around at this time of day, the little one won't eat her breakfast- she is a little skittish around change. So my next post will be tomorrow when I feel better, today I will be coming back home and sleeping off the sedation.

Nervous

Well in less than 24 hours I have my procedure down. I found out that I am going to have IV sedation, which is a good thing, because if it is anything like having my knees done, I don't want to be awake for that pain in my neck. I am just afraid that it isn't going to work. I don't know, hopefully it will at least decrease the frequency and intensity of my headaches, that would be a good thing, anything would be better than where I am at now.

Richard has admitted that he doesn't want to give up on having children, but he also admits that he doesn't want to put me through any more pain or heartbreak. We have a garden full of angels, our newest to be placed this spring- we purchased everything needed to make her stepping stone as soon as the weather warms up- he even picked out the candle holder this time. It is difficult knowing that his dream of being a father to living children will never be realized, I hate that- it isn't fair, but I just can't go through any more losses and stay sane- my heart has been broken too many times, I can't do it any more.

Headaches and life

Well I am back to having almost daily headaches, I am trying to deal with life and the headaches; some days are easier than others. My pain doctor switched my pain medicine from fentanyl to dilaudid- something stronger but it is a pill so it takes longer for it to kick in than the lollipops did, but the lollipops had stopped working and I was ending up in the ER which is another horrible story in itself. They are beginning to treat me like a drug seeker- I actually left the hospital the last time still having a headache, just not as bad as when I went in because I have a pain doctor and I have signed a pain medication contract so the ER doctor would only give me one dose of pain medication then sent me home- even though my contract states that if I notify my doctor and get permission or it is an emergency I am allowed to go to the ER for treatment. So I am basically at the point that the ER is pointless even if I am in extreme pain and my pain meds have not worked and I have permission. Oh well, life will go on in pain or not. 

Monday I am going in for a procedure that will hopefully help me with my headaches, anyway that is the hope of my pain doctor. I will be going to the surgery center for a 15-20 minute injection of deadening agent and steroids into the joint space of my neck on the right side. After my last visit with my doctor during the exam he determined that I may have some type of nerve damage that is causing some of my headaches. So the hope of the injections is to lessen the frequency and intensity of my headaches. I don't know if I going to feel it immediately or it is going to take a day or two. I am a little nervous to have this done, I am afraid that it is going to hurt; I think I am going to be somewhat sedated given the time I have to be there and the time my procedure is scheduled- there is an hour and a half difference between when I get there and when I have the actual procedure- but who knows, didn't ask. I am also afraid that it isn't going to work or that something will go wrong. I am putting all my trust into the hands of my doctor.

Wish me luck.