Yes it is truly true...

After the last 8 years I never EVER thought that I would be making the announcement that we did on Christmas Eve...we are PREGNANT! I am still a bit in shock even though we have known since mid-November...we have reached the double digits...we have never reached double digits before- this is so exciting! Tonight is the last night of 2011, can't believe how quickly this year has gone by, hoping that 2012 takes its time as I want to enjoy every minute of this miraculous event and then I don't want him/her to grow to quickly, but I know that they do. 10 weeks 3 days- I am more happy than I ever could have imagined I could be. Please keep me and Sprout in your thoughts and prayers, we still have a long way to go!

My Heart, My Love, My Angel

Six Years...it seems like such a long time ago and yet at the same time it feels like yesterday.

The last few weeks have been flooded with various memories that are so old, yet still so fresh. Thoughts of happiness, fear and excitement have rushed in so many times...the memories of when we first discovered that we were expecting our very first child, how excited we were and how scared we were at the same time. When we first saw those 2 pink lines, we were beside ourselves! How did this happen, well we knew how this happened, but it was really happening?! We became immediately attached and the planning began, oh the planning...the hopes, the dreams! Our lives were changing in such an amazing way, we had waited SO long for this day and it was finally here!
Then we found the pregnancy calculator...plugged in the dates...this baby was so meant to be! The due date...July 1st! My Mom's birthday! Richard's Mom's birthday was just a few days later! My Mom was born on HER Grandmother's 50th birthday, I remember how special my Mom had told me that it was for them, and now it was going to happen for her, her first grandchild was due on her birthday! I couldn't wait to tell her what her birthday present the following year was going to be, I couldn't think of anything better! We were also excited that Richard's Mom would also receive this special gift, everything was falling into place.
I called my OB to schedule my first prenatal visit...after so long I was fumbling to get out what I needed to be seen for...'I think we might be pregnant, the HPT was faint, but it is positive.' The receptionist was the first person to congratulate us and happily made that first appointment for Tuesday, October 25th at 11 A.M., a week and a half away! Do we tell people, do we tell our employers, do we tell anybody?! For the first few days we kept the happy news to ourselves, then I saw my Mom one afternoon and I had to tell her...it didn't go as planned. Richard had recently started a new job with no benefits and only part-time. I was working for an agency also with no benefits and pretty crappy pay. Was it the best time for us to be starting our family, probably not, but when would it be the best time? If we kept waiting for finances to be right, jobs to be right, life to be right then we would never start our family. My Mom did agree with this but still wasn't totally excited like I had hoped that she would be...my Dad was having shoulder surgery on the 25th and she asked that we not tell him about the pregnancy until after the surgery as he probably wouldn't be very happy. None of this was what Richard or I had expected. We thought that our families would be so happy since we had been waiting so long to start our family- this would be their first and probably only grandchild, we thought that they would be over the moon about this, we decided to wait to tell Richard's parents.
The days went by and we continued to be so happy, the morning sickness, the exhaustion, the food/smell aversions and the strange new cravings...everything reminded us that there really was this little life, a little girl, our first sweet angel was growing inside me, life was perfect! We took our first visits to Babys R Us looking at strollers and carseats, cribs, monitors- everything! I had picked out bedding from Pottery Barn Baby, it came in both pink and blue so it was perfect either way, even though we just knew that it was going to be a girl. We talked about names...he vetoed all the original girl names that I had chosen over the years- he didn't want our child to be picked on or have to explain his or her name or spell it all the time...I gave in :) Richard wanted to honor his biological grandparents some way so we decided to use their last name, also his 'original' last name- Brierley. Then to keep with the family theme we wanted to use my maternal great-grandmother's name- we knew that her middle initial was an 'I' but we didn't have any idea what the name was- my mother looked in an old family bible and found that the 'I' stood for Isabel. It was perfect! We had our name- Brierley Isabel- we fell completely in love with it!
Monday, October 24th we were so excited! Our first prenatal visit was in the morning, we hoped that we would have an ultrasound and maybe even get to hear the heartbeat. My Dad was also having surgery in the morning, we hadn't told him anything yet, we wanted him to just concentrate on recovering from surgery, after all we had plenty of time to tell him. The plan was to be at the hospital with my parents prior to surgery and then go to my appointment at 11 then go back to the hospital to sit with Mom and Richard would head off to work.
Tuesday, October 25th...I woke up suddenly at about 6 A.M. with sharp cramping and the feeling that I needed to use the bathroom. We had had some spicy foods for dinner the previous night so I thought that was what the problem was, I got up and discovered that I was spotting and the cramps where getting worse. Deep down I knew what was happening, I thought if I ignore it and just go back to bed everything will be just fine. I went back to bed trying not to cry, I looked over and Richard was still sound asleep. I curled up on my side and tried to go back to sleep. I just needed to get to 8 A.M. when my OB's office opened so that I could talk to the nurse to see what I needed to do, I knew that really there was nothing that I could do, I laid there cramping and bleeding, rubbing my belly and apologizing to our baby for not being able to keep her safe. Richard woke up at 7 A.M. and asked how I was doing, without rolling over I just blurted out that it was over, he asked me what I meant and I told him that I had woken up earlier cramping and when I went to the bathroom I was bleeding. He was upset with me that I hadn't woke him up, I told him that I didn't because there was nothing that he could do and he needed to sleep. I waited until a few minutes after 8 and then called my OB...I spoke with his nurse to see if I still needed to come in for my appointment or if I needed to cancel it. She was amazing, after asking a few questions she offered her condolences and explained that I still needed to come in to make sure that everything was ok, as ok as it could be considering. I was instructed to relax and try to stay calm until my appointment. Richard and I got ready and headed out to the hospital to be with my parents, I told my Mom what was going on, we decided it would be best not to saying anything to my Dad as he was nervous about the surgery to begin with- I didn't want him worrying about me, I wanted him to relax and have everything go well. I tried my best to ignore what my body was doing so that no one else would know either, apparently I didn't look like I was feeling very well so people kept asking if I was ok, of course I lied. Richard and I went to my appointment, we got to have the ultrasound that we had hoped for...we didn't get to see what we had hoped to or get to hear a heartbeat. What we did see was a perfect looking gestational sac that measured 4 weeks 3 days. My OB explained that it could be just a bit too early to see the baby or that the baby had already been reabsorbed by my body or it had already passed. He explained that most likely I was miscarrying as there was active bleeding seen around the sac. He sat with Richard and I and told us that he was sorry, we needed to prepare for the worst, yet hope for the best. This pregnancy was bittersweet as on the one hand it confirmed the faint HPT, that we really were pregnant- we could get pregnant, but on the other hand we were losing this baby. I was so confused, how could this be happening?! We had done everything right- I had been taking prenatal vitamins for almost 3 years, we had gone over all of my medications to make sure everything was safe should we get pregnant, we even changed a few meds to make them safe for pregnancy. We had discussed precautions for blood clots and preventing them, we had discussed and planned for taking Heparin injections to keep me from producing clots. Why was this happening? What had we done wrong? Why did my body fail me...why did I fail my baby, my husband, my parents, his parents? I just didn't understand, my heart was shattered.

Tuesday, October 25th...Six Years Later. The last few days I have thought about what was happening six years ago...yesterday, six years ago I was still pregnant with our first child. I know that dates eventually meet up with each other- Tuesday, October 25, 2005 we lost our sweet angel, Brierley Isabel. Today, Tuesday, October 25, 2011 we remember our sweet Angel, Brierley Isabel. We remember our happiness, how our lives were forever changed, not necessarily for bad...it seems strange saying that as our lives were changed, even if only briefly, our lives where changed for the better because we had this sweet little soul in our lives, in our hearts- forever. As we, or at least me, think about these events that happened six years ago, I think about how our live were changed, our relationship went from us to we. We became parents-to-be, a Mom and a Dad with tiny little footprints forever etched across our hearts.

October 15th, Wave of Light

Our Family, Olivia Grace, Henry Philip, RuthAnn and Brierley Isabel


From Richard's parents


The first of what has become many dear friends <3

Thinking of our darling Angels and those that we have come to know over the years. I pray that they are all looking down tonight and seeing the beautiful wave of light just for them from all of those who love and miss them dearly.

Thank you for all of your kind thoughts- they really, truly mean so much to me. Just knowing that you are all here and most importantly you don't think that I am a complete nut job, although my psychiatrist, therapist and family think otherwise. And to what Rosa asked, when I am alone my mind loves to fuck with me...I would like to honestly say that I won't do anything, but sometimes I don't trust myself as I have done things in the past. What stops me from doing anything is my family- I don't want to be the reason that they are in pain. Just because I am gone physically, emotionally I would be leaving behind so much more wreckage for my family and I can't/won't do that to them. I also know that just shoving my emotions down somewhere to where I 'don't' have to deal with them is kind of what got me to where I am in the first place.
Dh and my family support me, they may not always understand me. I am trying to go on with my emotions without hurting anyone else. Dh's cousin sent a wonderful thank you when they received the baby's gift yesterday. I am really trying to be happy, the baby is beautiful and healthy, what more could one ask for, well except for the obvious that I know is never going to happen. I guess that is part of what brings me to tears every time I think about the new baby- each day, each month, each year brings that horrible reality that much closer. I had a wonderful dream as a child and no matter what we do that dream will never be fulfilled. My heart is broken and while temporary patches of happiness are there, the cracks are so deep that I don't know if there is a fix for any of them. I have learned over the years what people want to hear, what makes them think that everything is okay-no that is not the most appropriate way to handle things, it is just the easiest way to 'deal' with things sometimes. The questions of 'so when are you going to start your family', 'you've been married for almost 15 years-what are you waiting for, you're not getting any younger'. Luckily, those questions are slowing and even sometimes not even asked any longer. I know things will eventually get easier, better as time goes by. It gets 'easier' as time goes by because everyone in my life believes it has been long enough therefore it shouldn't be something this upsetting still- I should be all better now and new babies in the family should completely overjoy me- I shouldn't have those selfish thoughts any more, it's been almost 6 years since we lost our first hope and dream and it has been almost 3 years since our last sweet surprise. Time is just a number, saying that 'time heals all wounds', yeah, I would like to meet that person so I can hit them upside the head with a 2x4.
Oh, and if this wasn't enough the last baby born on my side of the family will be having his 1st birthday in October. Mom is family by marriage and has never really 'liked' me since we met in 2006. Dad is my cousin and we used to be fairly close. Since they married in 2007 she has pulled further and further away from dh and I, and to make her happy, my cousin has also pulled away. We live just under a mile away from each other- I have been told that they have seen dh and I walking on the greenbelt, but they have never said anything to us. Anyway, I was not invited to the baby shower, supposedly an oversight as my Aunt sent an invitation (separate from everyone else's) 4 days before the shower. Well, now it is coming up on that time of the 1st birthday- my Mom and another Aunt have both received an invitation for his birthday party. Just another jab at my emotions. Did she 'over look' me yet again on accident or was it intentional? Either way I would like to say I don't care, in some ways I really truly don't care, but in others it hurts to be told that they don't care.
Sorry this went on for so long- that is how my thoughts have been the last few weeks/days. Everything is all jumbled up, sometimes making sense and sometimes not. Again, thank you for your kind thoughts, having you here, having been through similar if not the same situations helps knowing that you understand. Thank you my friends ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Double Standards

DH's cousin that surprisingly found out that she was pg last month delivered a very healthy, very beautiful baby girl yesterday afternoon. I honestly and from the heart congratulated the Mom, Dad and Grandma; I looked at the few pictures that had been posted at the time and I told them that she is beautiful and was very happy that Mom and baby were doing well.
Well today dh mentioned something that really wasn't very important, well not important to me. Yes, a new life coming into the world regardless of being a friend, a relative or a complete stranger is a wonderful blessed occasion. An occasion that I am just supposed to look at and be hands down happy. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for this family member-but I honestly don't understand why when I recognized that I was having a difficult time I am now the horrible person because I am not cheering every second, blanketing my FB page with announcements that this blessed new arrival is here! I am terribly sorry that the person that is expressing an issue with my 'behavior' is none other than the person that I have trusted with my heart, my feelings, my memories- my dh. We had a huge argument this afternoon that basically came across as I am selfish and blaming everyone else around me that is either pg or having children. He had the guts to tell me that in MY therapy sessions I should be learning to move on, I should not be this emotional as it will be 6 years next month since our first miscarriage. I shouldn't be this emotional about any of them. He believes that I should be over the pain, that my friends don't want to be around me because I carry so much pain and heartbreak over something that I have no control over. Well here is how I feel about it- if my 'friends' are tired of this huge part of my life, I am sorry, so I am and ya know what it is something that I will have to live with for rest of my life and if they don't want to be a part of that- all they need to do is tell me, I understand, and I will walk away. As for dh, I don't know what to do there. He says that I remember and honor OUR Angels TOO much...funny, candles and FB posts happen 4-5 times a year. Candles are lit and a FB post are made to honor and remember the date that we lost them and then again on October 15th during the Wave of Light. Yes, their candles are also lit on 4/19, 9/11, 12/24, 12/25 and 12/31. I don't place candles out on what was to be their due date.
I would like to say that I am sorry that I have not completely moved on, but I am not. I have come a long way from where I once was even as recently as 1-2 years ago. I know that no matter how angry, bitter, hurt or frustrated I have been since 2005 when our hopes and dreams were discovered in a few short weeks only to be crushed, destroyed, taken away all within a few hours that seemed to last forever.
September 2005 to December 2008 was the longest, most horrible roller coaster that I have ever been on. At times I did feel that I was on this life changing journey to hell and back on my own. I know that dh was also traveling with me, alongside me, but sometimes it felt as if he got off when he didn't want to deal with it any more. For the most part, none of my family or friends were with me, they would get on when they felt that they could, but would leap off at any time so as not to have to deal with me and my emotions. At times I don't blame them, I wish that I could get off at a moments notice and all of the pain, everything was left behind, but in reality I can't do that. Don't get me wrong I have received the most heartfelt support from family members- last year my MIL lit a candle on October 15th in honor and remembrance of the Angels that would have been her grandchildren. That small gesture meant so much to me, it let me know that the people who love me also acknowledge the 4 very special lives that were here however briefly, they were here, they were loved by others, not just myself and Richard.
Regardless of how others believe that I should feel, where I should be on this journey, whether the people around me feel that they no longer wish to support me on this journey. Whether people believe that I should just suck up my feelings and 'get over it' and move on already. I have made progress, maybe not as much as some people believe that I should have, but I have. This is my journey, dh has is journey and we have our journey. There is not a timeframe for any of these journeys unless it was self-imposed by someone. I learned 5 years ago that I am not the one to be able to set that timeframe. Healing happens in its own time, some times when you least expect it. I just wish I didn't feel like I was being judged by how others go through the healing process or how sometimes dh seems to understand my feelings only to turn around and tell me that I am not healing fast enough.

Hopefully Winding Down

Well, Mom had surgery this afternoon and everything went very well. The surgeon told my Dad that when he made the initial incision the tissue immediately pinked up, pretty much showing how bad the compression was. So a 'simple' laminectomy was all that was needed, no fusion or hardware was required. I am now trying to relax now that the surgery is over and she feels better.
Saw my psychiatrist this afternoon also, we didn't change any meds at this time but we are being cautious and watching the cycling which has been very rapid the last few weeks. So instead of seeing him again in 3 months, I have to go back the end of the month and if things aren't better then we will look at changing meds. Also going back to see the counselor once a week instead of every other week. I thought things were going ok and between my counselor and myself being sick a few times in June I had appointments cancelled and rescheduled and then we both kinda forgot about things and I went almost a month and a half without seeing her and obviously that wasn't the best idea.
So some of my stressors/emotional issues are getting better, but there are a few that are still hanging around- events that have made me jealous, angry with myself and my body- events that are causing me to ask 'Why not us?' I truly am happy for the people in these situations, don't get me wrong, they both absolutely deserve what has happened to them, it just brings up some painful issues- something that I know I will be talking to my counselor about, somethings that I thought we had processed and beginning to resolve- after these last few days I am thinking not so much.
I am ready for the hot Summer weather to be over, I know it is not as hot here as it is in other places, but I am still too hot- I just don't do the heat. I am ready for Summer projects to be done or at least slow down so I can have more than a day or two during the week to just relax with Richard. I think it is slowly coming. I can do this.

I Can't Take Much More Of This....

I am stressed out beyond being stressed out. This entire Summer has had something pretty much every weekend since June, and I have felt like complete shit pretty much every weekend and I don't know how much more I can take. I have done 2 SCA events, both feeling like crap-medicated for pain at both of them and one of them we had to come home in the middle of the night because I was sick. Why do I do these things, to make others around me happy. I feel guilty if I don't participate because I am told that people ask where I am, how do I feel- well after this last event where we left in the middle of the night and I was throwing up, maybe it will make a difference. I sometimes feel that people don't believe me, that they think that I just don't want to be there- trust me that is far from the truth. I miss spending time with my friends, I hate feeling the way that I do.
I just want a weekend with nothing planned, I want a clean house, laundry completely done, I want to spend time with my family just relaxing. My Mom has surgery next week- I am scared for her. I am trying to figure out my nursing license- go one way and hopefully everything stays the same, we pay $90 and I have my regular license. Go a different direction with several restrictions, but is only $25 and I get an Emeritus License, which is all well and fine except for some pretty huge restrictions- I CANNOT practice nursing while having this license, don't know what that does to first aid, but then that is another story altogether, and then when I am ready to get my full license back all I have to do is pay the fee, fill out the application and get a letter of competency to practice...that is the snag.
I just want this Summer to be over, no more SCA events for a while, hopefully business for Richard picks up and stressing over paying bills, medications, medical care, mortgage, utilities will all slow down, and hopefully what needs to slow down does so for a good reason, not because we can't just get an apartment (no credit) or somewhere where we can have our cats and our things. We have no where to go, I just want a vacation that I don't have to stress about. Our vacation next year, most likely isn't happening unless he won the lottery recently and forgot to tell me that everything is going to be alright.

Henry Philip

It is interesting, finally after this all started in 2005 things are starting to get easier, memories are not as painful. It has been 5 years since we lost Henry Philip and I am actually feeling a sense of peace. I can remember our sweet boy and smile as I remember the brief time we had with him. How proud Richard was as we both felt very strongly that this baby was definitely a boy. No matter how painful times have been, I would never trade them in for anything- except maybe that we had a few more weeks with each of our Angels- but in order to do that we would also have to chose that we never would have met a few of our Angels and I can't/don't want to do that.
So this morning as the sunrises and the colors of the sky begin to change from purple to orange, I remember with a smile on my face and pure love in my heart our sweet little peanut, Our Henry Philip. Daddy and I love you sweet boy with all of our hearts. We are remembering you and all the hopes and dreams we had for you. Fly free and continue to watch over us and keep us safe.
We love you sweet boy and know you are in a beautiful place with your siblings and families. We will never forget you or your tiny footprints that have been forever etched onto our hearts.
Love You Forever and Always- Mommy and Daddy <3

Changes Needed

I have now had my current migraine for almost 2 weeks- I have done everything that I am supposed to do with the darn things. I even contacted my doctor's office last Wednesday requesting a different combo of meds that have in the past knocked the headache down. Never got a call back from the doctor's office- have an appointment for medication refill next Thursday, so most likely will give up on this until seen next week. I have found in the past that it doesn't do any good to contact the office multiple times, so whatever, just adds to the frustration.
Also attempting to get in with a new doctor- internal medicine. Wasn't planning on them taking over everything, yet I guess that is what they plan to do as they can't set up an appointment with any of the internal medicine doctors until they hear back from my general practice doctor who I had planned to continue to see for some things.
All I know is that I am frustrated with how I feel- I want to be able to eat something and not be afraid of what it is going to do to my stomach. I am past ready for this damn headache to go away- it has already kept me from getting together with friends and has had Richard admit that at times he wonders if I really do have a headache or if I just don't want to do something- that made me feel great!

RuthAnn and another Little Blessing

It is hard to believe that it is already 2 weeks into February 2011. So much has happened just since the beginning of the new year. Both Richard and I are continuing on our lifestyle change to become healthier people.
I know many people think that I shouldn't be remembering or honoring tomorrow- but this is my life, my memories, my pain. It is getting easier with each passing year- this year will be 4 years. So much has happened in the last 4 years, one of the important things that was going on 4 years ago we were saying 'good bye' to my last surviving grandmother, it was time for her to go, she was suffering and shouldn't have been- but that is another story.
I remember how happy Richard and I were when we saw those 2 little pink lines- we thought finally, this will be the one, my grandmother was the only person that we shared our news with (my mother figured it out pretty quickly) I remember picking out a beautiful card to tell my grandmother good bye, Richard and I also placed a special message inside telling her that she was going to be a great-grandmother and that I knew that she would be watching over our precious baby, keeping her safe until it was time for her to come into our lives that October. The card was placed in my grandmother's hands- our little secret shared with someone that we knew already knew. We talked about looking for a little gray mouse costume (a tradition that we so looked forward to continuing- Richard's first Halloween costume had been a little gray mouse) and how cute and tiny she would be, being that she was due October 19th, she would only be 12 days old for her first Halloween- we were so excited and couldn't wait to share our news with our families. We of course never got that chance, as with her brother and sister before her, she didn't get to stay with us physically. She is however, again, like her siblings with us in our hearts forever.
One of my most poignant memories of our loss of RuthAnn is the night that I returned to work- most of my co-workers welcomed me with condolences for the loss of my grandmother- none of them new that a few weeks before Richard and I had found out that we were expecting. The night before my bereavement leave started I had been floated downtown and because of some health precautions on my assignment I was forced to disclose my pregnancy to several of the staff there for the safety of my pregnancy. So even though downtown knew, my closest co-workers had no idea until I came back. As I was receiving condolences from co-workers that were also close friends, I bombarded them with the news that Richard and I had found out that we were expecting, but had miscarried a few days before. They all knew how hard Richard and I had been trying and how desperately we wanted a baby- it was a very somber night for all of us.
I remember it being quiet in the nursery, the NICU babies were all behaving themselves. My co-workers had stepped out for dinner and I was sitting in the NICU/nursery by myself. A postpartum nurse brought in a little girl that had been born the previous day, her Mom was tired and just wanted a few hours of rest, so the baby was brought into the nursery. After a few minutes she started to whimper quietly, I got up to see if she needed a diaper change or anything else so she would go back to sleep. There was nothing that she needed physically and she looked so sad with her tears- I pulled up the rocking chair and swaddled her in new warm blankets, picked her up from her bassinet and then sat down and rocked her. She slowly stopped crying as we rocked in the darkened nursery- it was then that I realized while holding her to my chest, her head nestled on my shoulder- it was then that I discovered that it wasn't her tears that I felt, they were mine. This beautiful little newborn and I comforted each other that night.
In realizing that RuthAnn has been gone for 4 years, I am also reminded that this precious little girl will be celebrating her 4th birthday next week. It is something that makes me smile and touches my heart. Even though my job was very difficult at times and not just because of what Richard and I were going through, it was moments like that that made every difficult night worth it. So, as Richard and I remember our sweet RuthAnn tomorrow, I will be wishing someone else's little blessing a Happy 4th Birthday and saying a big 'Thank You' for helping me through my pain.

Just a brief update...

'Lose It!' is still working wonderfully! I am down 14.6 pounds since the beginning of January. We are having some cruddy weather the last several days- no nothing as bad as what they are getting back east- no we are having one of our lovely winter inversions. People with arthritis tend to notice the change in barometric pressure- but lucky for me, people with migraines also are blessed with the weather changes affecting how we feel. Aren't a whole lot of options available except move to an area that doesn't have the inversions and large changes in barometric changes- I have been told that such a place doesn't actually exist. Oh well, one can dream can't they. Hoping it warms up enough that being outside does not cause my lungs to burn and otherwise mess with my asthma. Well that is all for now...good night my dear friends :)

It's Working, It's Working!

Yes, finally a weight loss program is working! I am not going to call it a diet, well, because it is working AND I don't feel like I am depriving myself of anything. For several years we have tried to lose weight- we have tried many things- weight watchers, medication, diet change/restriction and a few other things. Very few of them did anything noticeable if they did anything at all, and once we went back to life as 'normal' we would inevitably gain all of the lost weight back and then some. This program called Lose It! comes in the form of an app for your iphone, a book to read/refer to etc., and a website. True we have only been using it for 10 days tomorrow, but it is already working! Richard has lost weight, isn't cheating on what he's eating- you don't have to- you can eat whatever you want! I have lost weight- I am beyond shocked partly because aside from a little exercise (need to get better at this part) I have not really modified my diet- I am, we are eating foods that we normally would be eating- Richard even had McDonald's over the weekend and I had dinner from Panda Express. It is a lovely little thing that many have preached, what we have tried in the past- but just a little bit different- moderation and calorie tracking. I don't think Richard has met his calorie budget since we started and I have only gone over once- don't remember why, but it was only like 50 calories, so no harm done there. We are getting something that I have tried for, hoped for, wished for many times- after eating dinner neither of us are hungry a few hours later, sure a few hours after dinner we might have some dessert- jello, a muffin or yes, even some ice cream- the difference is there is a portion size for a reason and if you eat healthy all day long, well then those portion sizes don't seem so small or restricting after all. We both have a large goal, but I think if we continue to work together, support each other and get the support from our friends (some new from the program) and families- well, I think we might just conquer this one.

New Year, New Beginnings

It doesn't seem like another year has passed but it has...2010 is behind us and 2011 has come in with a bang or at least a small pop. Richard and I have started a diet that appears to be working and one that both of us will be able to stick with long term. This is also the first year in while that we have made some long term goals/plans that also appear to be doable.

This year I hope that the anniversaries will come and go with less pain and stress. Counseling has definitely helped more the last few months- much more than it had in the last 2 years with the other counselor. We are still working to get the anxiety and bipolar under better control- I am still having problems with major manic episodes where I stay awake for 30 to 36+ hours even when taking medications for insomnia, anxiety, and mania. My headaches are under better control somedays better than others. I am still experiencing almost daily headaches but they are more often at the point that I can deal with the pain without being completely incapacitated. My headaches are unfortunately still at the point that I am needing to take pain medication several times a week, but the days requiring multiple doses of pain medication are lessening.

We are hoping to be able to do more camping this summer- both SCA and with family. Richard got a new to him truck this fall following an accident that totaled his truck. Both of our families were instrumental in being able to replace his truck, and for that we are both extremely grateful. Our families are very important to us- we are hoping/planning to make a long awaited trip to visit Richard's family(and some of mine along the way) next year in the fall. We are hoping that life calms down a bit this year now that my disability is in place and my insurance is affordable. Now if we could only get something for Richard so that he can see the doctor, something that he has not done in 2 years. We are also hoping that his business continues to grow and that he will be able to continue doing the job that he has wanted to do and is really good at doing.

Our big plans for this year will actually be happening in a few months- the musical WICKED is continuing its tour and Boise is on that path this year, so to 'reward' ourselves in getting through the last few years without killing one another, burning down the house, or anything else that has crossed our minds- we are treating ourselves and hopefully a few of my close friends will be able to do the same and join us for this wonderful event in May. Hopefully we will stay faithful to our diet and see some results, my headaches will continue to head towards controlled and we will get my meds figured out and life will calm down for more than a few days at a time. We are also hoping that the surgery that I will be having sometime this spring will go well without complications and recovery is quick.

Here's to hoping that 2011 brings happiness and better health.