Just a brief update...

'Lose It!' is still working wonderfully! I am down 14.6 pounds since the beginning of January. We are having some cruddy weather the last several days- no nothing as bad as what they are getting back east- no we are having one of our lovely winter inversions. People with arthritis tend to notice the change in barometric pressure- but lucky for me, people with migraines also are blessed with the weather changes affecting how we feel. Aren't a whole lot of options available except move to an area that doesn't have the inversions and large changes in barometric changes- I have been told that such a place doesn't actually exist. Oh well, one can dream can't they. Hoping it warms up enough that being outside does not cause my lungs to burn and otherwise mess with my asthma. Well that is all for now...good night my dear friends :)

It's Working, It's Working!

Yes, finally a weight loss program is working! I am not going to call it a diet, well, because it is working AND I don't feel like I am depriving myself of anything. For several years we have tried to lose weight- we have tried many things- weight watchers, medication, diet change/restriction and a few other things. Very few of them did anything noticeable if they did anything at all, and once we went back to life as 'normal' we would inevitably gain all of the lost weight back and then some. This program called Lose It! comes in the form of an app for your iphone, a book to read/refer to etc., and a website. True we have only been using it for 10 days tomorrow, but it is already working! Richard has lost weight, isn't cheating on what he's eating- you don't have to- you can eat whatever you want! I have lost weight- I am beyond shocked partly because aside from a little exercise (need to get better at this part) I have not really modified my diet- I am, we are eating foods that we normally would be eating- Richard even had McDonald's over the weekend and I had dinner from Panda Express. It is a lovely little thing that many have preached, what we have tried in the past- but just a little bit different- moderation and calorie tracking. I don't think Richard has met his calorie budget since we started and I have only gone over once- don't remember why, but it was only like 50 calories, so no harm done there. We are getting something that I have tried for, hoped for, wished for many times- after eating dinner neither of us are hungry a few hours later, sure a few hours after dinner we might have some dessert- jello, a muffin or yes, even some ice cream- the difference is there is a portion size for a reason and if you eat healthy all day long, well then those portion sizes don't seem so small or restricting after all. We both have a large goal, but I think if we continue to work together, support each other and get the support from our friends (some new from the program) and families- well, I think we might just conquer this one.

New Year, New Beginnings

It doesn't seem like another year has passed but it has...2010 is behind us and 2011 has come in with a bang or at least a small pop. Richard and I have started a diet that appears to be working and one that both of us will be able to stick with long term. This is also the first year in while that we have made some long term goals/plans that also appear to be doable.

This year I hope that the anniversaries will come and go with less pain and stress. Counseling has definitely helped more the last few months- much more than it had in the last 2 years with the other counselor. We are still working to get the anxiety and bipolar under better control- I am still having problems with major manic episodes where I stay awake for 30 to 36+ hours even when taking medications for insomnia, anxiety, and mania. My headaches are under better control somedays better than others. I am still experiencing almost daily headaches but they are more often at the point that I can deal with the pain without being completely incapacitated. My headaches are unfortunately still at the point that I am needing to take pain medication several times a week, but the days requiring multiple doses of pain medication are lessening.

We are hoping to be able to do more camping this summer- both SCA and with family. Richard got a new to him truck this fall following an accident that totaled his truck. Both of our families were instrumental in being able to replace his truck, and for that we are both extremely grateful. Our families are very important to us- we are hoping/planning to make a long awaited trip to visit Richard's family(and some of mine along the way) next year in the fall. We are hoping that life calms down a bit this year now that my disability is in place and my insurance is affordable. Now if we could only get something for Richard so that he can see the doctor, something that he has not done in 2 years. We are also hoping that his business continues to grow and that he will be able to continue doing the job that he has wanted to do and is really good at doing.

Our big plans for this year will actually be happening in a few months- the musical WICKED is continuing its tour and Boise is on that path this year, so to 'reward' ourselves in getting through the last few years without killing one another, burning down the house, or anything else that has crossed our minds- we are treating ourselves and hopefully a few of my close friends will be able to do the same and join us for this wonderful event in May. Hopefully we will stay faithful to our diet and see some results, my headaches will continue to head towards controlled and we will get my meds figured out and life will calm down for more than a few days at a time. We are also hoping that the surgery that I will be having sometime this spring will go well without complications and recovery is quick.

Here's to hoping that 2011 brings happiness and better health.

Changes and Decisions

Well my doctor's office finally got back with me regarding an estimate for a procedure that I need to have done. Part of the procedure will not be covered by my insurance until 2011, which really isn't a big deal as I wasn't planning to have the procedure done until after the 1st of the year. So now we have the estimate and it is really a lot less than I thought that it was going to be- now it is getting up the courage to do it. The procedure is one that I need to have done, we have talked about with my doctor for over a year and when I had my last issue with the cyst and the ER we again discussed it. The problem is that this procedure will in a sense throw me into surgical menopause which will also render me completely infertile. When we first discussed the procedure it seemed like something that would be so far away that I really didn't think about the repercussions of having this done- I really thought about when a few months ago we were in the office having another ultrasound and my doctor asked what our plans for trying for a family was for the next 1, 2, or 3 years were- I reluctantly and tearfully answered that we were done trying. He sat down with us and explained what needed to be done in order to stop the cysts, take care of the endometriosis and the painful, heavy cycles- but in doing so we will be completely ending any chance of having a family in the future.

Knowing all of this it has taken me 3-4 months to finally call the office to get the financial information. They wanted to know if I wanted to set up a pre-op appointment and of course I backed out of this telling them I will call them after the first of the year to schedule an appointment. Richard wants me to know that he fully supports whatever decision I make- he just wants me to get with all of my girlfriends and let them know what is going on so that they can be there to support me. He is afraid that I am going to have this procedure done and then have a complete breakdown- which is a possibility- I don't want this to happen but it isn't always something I can control and this is taking a lot of control away. In my head and even to an extent in my heart- I know that we are done trying for a family- both now and in the future- but it scares me to know that this will be permanent and final.

The other problem is my coumadin- I have to go off of it prior to surgery and the last time we checked on going off of it for a procedure it was a great big process because I am on it to prevent blood clots- for that reason I guess I can't just go off of it for a few days prior to the procedure, no, I have to go back on the Lovenox(subQ injections) then stop the coumadin, stop the Lovenox the day prior to the procedure then re-start the Lovenox and the coumadin after the procedure then I am on the Lovenox until my coumadin levels are back to therapeutic levels- which this last time I re-started the coumadin it has taken over 6 months to finally get it back to therapeutic levels- where we have stayed for the last 4 months or so.

I guess my counselor and I will have a lot to talk about when I see her again on the 5th and then I see my psych the following week- so I guess I make my pre-op for the middle of January. Merry Christmas...

Holidays Are Here Again....

Yesterday was the 2nd Angelversary for Olivia Grace- I hate that the memories of 2 years ago are still so vivid and clear. To an extent I am happy that I have memories of her but then I also wish that they maybe weren't so present. We had our annual Yule gathering at Kris and Kim's house- a few people made comments that they knew the day was difficult for me and that they were thinking of us. My family also had their get together last night- we went to the gathering for Circle as it had been planned in November- my parents understood and agreed with our decision, I don't know how the rest of my family felt- probably won't find out either which is fine. I am actually glad that we weren't with the family gathering as all four of what I guess would be considered the great-grandkids were there- Alden is I believe 7, his sister Amelia will be 6 at the end of the month- Riley is 17 months and the newest member Layton is just over 2 months old. I am fine with Alden and Amelia- Riley is the one that I have trouble with as our last baby would have been a month younger than Riley- and I have never met Layton, so I don't know how I will react to him. When his mother announced that she was expecting and my Aunt also very enthusiastically announced that she was going to be Grandmother- I didn't handle myself as well as I would have liked too, but the announcement was also made as we were all gathering to go to the church for my Uncle's funeral. I pretty much avoided her during her pregnancy, which really wasn't that difficult actually as for whatever reason we really don't have a relationship.

Anyway, we got our tree up (a few weeks ago), Richard put the lights on it and told me that it was my turn- well I finally got up the courage, energy, whatever you want to call it and we decorated the tree and the living room last Saturday. It does look pretty, I am glad that it is done. We also put out a few extra decorations that we have never used- about 10 years ago while on a trip to McCall we picked up a very cute Boyd's Bear's porcelain cookie plate and mug set- for Santa. We picked it out as something to put away- I had always tried not to buy anything that would be for children as I felt that it was bad luck to have it in the house. We decided to go ahead and get it as we decided that if we didn't get it now it probably wouldn't be available when we did have children. It has been wrapped in tissue paper and the bag from the store it was purchased from and stored in various different places over the years- sometime recently it was moved to my china cabinet where I also store my nice cookie sheets- Sunday (yesterday) when I went to get the cookie sheets I found the bag and unwrapped everything and lost it- Richard was out shoveling snow, so I brought the plate and mug out and placed it on a table decorated with family photos and special crocheted ornaments and decorations made by Richard's Grandma Rutha.

So far everything had been going okay until I was getting ready for our get together last night and had problems with my shoes, my skirt and a few other things and I had a huge panic attack, which I haven't done in a while. Richard helped calm me down and we went to the party and had a very nice time with our friends.

I found out this morning that we have been invited for Christmas Eve to my Aunt and Uncle's house- I don't know if any of their boys will be there- for the last few years that we have gotten together for Christmas Eve they have been elsewhere- so we'll see this year- it may be the first time I meet/see the new baby.

Still have to got Christmas shopping- hoping to do that tomorrow or Wednesday- yeah I know, nothing like waiting until the last minute- oh, well.

Holidays

I had my weekly visit with my counselor, she is very caring and kind. Our project this month is to get me through the month. We came up with several activities to do starting this weekend and lasting over the next several weeks. Part of this activity is to help get me through December/the holidays and part of it is to make sure that I am getting out of the house. Richard and I attempted to do one these activities last weekend- my parents gave us 2 passes for the Thundermountain Line- which the weekend after Thanksgiving and throughout December went from being a basic train ride 'The Horseshoe Bend Express' to 'The North Pole Express' complete with decorations, stories with Mrs. Claus, Christmas carols, milk and cookies and the finale a visit to the North Pole to have pictures taken with Santa Clause. We had planned on going the weekend of Thanksgiving, but we had our first storm that weekend making roads rough and go figure- I had a migraine and really didn't want to spend the next 3.5 hours on a train full of families and then by driving the new vehicle on icy roads in the dark to get home. Any way the lady that I talked to for the train said that cancellation wouldn't be a problem due to the weather and the fact that they are gift certificates- we just have to use them by the end of the year. So that is my project tomorrow- schedule our train trip hopefully this weekend- definitely will be one way to face my fears- be loaded on a train full of families and commercialized Christmas. I am trying to look at as wonderful time spent with Richard while seeing a beautiful part of Idaho covered in snow. Just hoping for decent weather for the trip there and back- get to see how the new truck handles on the mountain roads, so far it has been okay here in town- do have another storm slated for tomorrow, so we will see.

Still playing with the debate of whether or not to put up the tree. Last year was technically the first time we put it up- we did have the tree up in 2008 when we first bought it (yes, we have an artificial tree) we placed the new ornaments that we found (feathery angel wings) and personalized for our at the time 3 angels- when we lost Olivia a little over a week later we could no longer find the angels wings- so she doesn't have one. I have looked multiple places for the last 2 years and have not had any luck in finding them- we both really want to have all 4 with their own set of wings. Last year we put the tree up, Richard strung the lights and then it took me 2 weeks to decorate the tree. Right now I really don't want the tree and all the decorations out and Richard supports me in that decision- but I know that we wants the decorations- maybe not all of them- I do like having the tree up with the white twinkle lights and the kitties curled up underneath- it is pretty.

I don't know what we are doing as far as family get togethers. My Aunt that used to live in Oklahoma moved back here to Idaho in August really wants to get together with the entire family for Christmas

Too Many Thougts

For the last few years I haven't liked or enjoyed October. I feel as if I am in a losing battle with my emotions and who to talk about it. In the last few months several women that I had 'met' through my online support group for Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss have announced new pregnancies or have delivered happy beautiful healthy babies. I had a family member deliver a very beautiful boy on Thursday. I want so much to be happy for them, but I am finding it to be very difficult. Each birth reminds me of what I am never going to have in my life. I admit it, I am jealous of what these women have- about their happiness- the happiness of their families. Each birth reminds me that I am broken, that I can't fulfill one of my childhood dreams- I am never going to be a mother and then it just rolls down the hill picking up casualties along the way. Most of my family have no idea what Richard and I have been through in the last 5-6 years. Most of them have no idea that we DID try to have a family, that we DID succeed with 4 pregnancies, that we lost all 4 of those pregnancies. I can't get passed the heartbreak, the feeling of being broken and defective. I can't help but feel jealous when I see my parents with another family members baby and watch their eyes light up and see how happy they are with him- all the while knowing that I can't give them that- all of my mother's siblings are now grandparents- I can't bestow this title on my parents, just the same as I can't given my husband a child- I can't make him a Dad. I know that my emotions are running high this month as it is full of reminders of what happened to start this roller coaster to hell. I have no one to talk to about what I am feeling right now as I have been told that my friends don't want to hear about it anymore- I should have just move on already. My husband is even getting discouraged with me that I can't move on- it has been 5 years after all- get over it. That is the hard part- I can't just 'get over it' I don't want to forget the 4 precious lives that tried to be a part of our lives- I want to get to the point where I can be happy for friends and family- and not avoid them throughout their pregnancy and the birth of the baby. I want to be happy- not on the verge of tears when I think of what they are experiencing- it isn't their fault that I can't have a baby.