RuthAnn and another Little Blessing

It is hard to believe that it is already 2 weeks into February 2011. So much has happened just since the beginning of the new year. Both Richard and I are continuing on our lifestyle change to become healthier people.
I know many people think that I shouldn't be remembering or honoring tomorrow- but this is my life, my memories, my pain. It is getting easier with each passing year- this year will be 4 years. So much has happened in the last 4 years, one of the important things that was going on 4 years ago we were saying 'good bye' to my last surviving grandmother, it was time for her to go, she was suffering and shouldn't have been- but that is another story.
I remember how happy Richard and I were when we saw those 2 little pink lines- we thought finally, this will be the one, my grandmother was the only person that we shared our news with (my mother figured it out pretty quickly) I remember picking out a beautiful card to tell my grandmother good bye, Richard and I also placed a special message inside telling her that she was going to be a great-grandmother and that I knew that she would be watching over our precious baby, keeping her safe until it was time for her to come into our lives that October. The card was placed in my grandmother's hands- our little secret shared with someone that we knew already knew. We talked about looking for a little gray mouse costume (a tradition that we so looked forward to continuing- Richard's first Halloween costume had been a little gray mouse) and how cute and tiny she would be, being that she was due October 19th, she would only be 12 days old for her first Halloween- we were so excited and couldn't wait to share our news with our families. We of course never got that chance, as with her brother and sister before her, she didn't get to stay with us physically. She is however, again, like her siblings with us in our hearts forever.
One of my most poignant memories of our loss of RuthAnn is the night that I returned to work- most of my co-workers welcomed me with condolences for the loss of my grandmother- none of them new that a few weeks before Richard and I had found out that we were expecting. The night before my bereavement leave started I had been floated downtown and because of some health precautions on my assignment I was forced to disclose my pregnancy to several of the staff there for the safety of my pregnancy. So even though downtown knew, my closest co-workers had no idea until I came back. As I was receiving condolences from co-workers that were also close friends, I bombarded them with the news that Richard and I had found out that we were expecting, but had miscarried a few days before. They all knew how hard Richard and I had been trying and how desperately we wanted a baby- it was a very somber night for all of us.
I remember it being quiet in the nursery, the NICU babies were all behaving themselves. My co-workers had stepped out for dinner and I was sitting in the NICU/nursery by myself. A postpartum nurse brought in a little girl that had been born the previous day, her Mom was tired and just wanted a few hours of rest, so the baby was brought into the nursery. After a few minutes she started to whimper quietly, I got up to see if she needed a diaper change or anything else so she would go back to sleep. There was nothing that she needed physically and she looked so sad with her tears- I pulled up the rocking chair and swaddled her in new warm blankets, picked her up from her bassinet and then sat down and rocked her. She slowly stopped crying as we rocked in the darkened nursery- it was then that I realized while holding her to my chest, her head nestled on my shoulder- it was then that I discovered that it wasn't her tears that I felt, they were mine. This beautiful little newborn and I comforted each other that night.
In realizing that RuthAnn has been gone for 4 years, I am also reminded that this precious little girl will be celebrating her 4th birthday next week. It is something that makes me smile and touches my heart. Even though my job was very difficult at times and not just because of what Richard and I were going through, it was moments like that that made every difficult night worth it. So, as Richard and I remember our sweet RuthAnn tomorrow, I will be wishing someone else's little blessing a Happy 4th Birthday and saying a big 'Thank You' for helping me through my pain.

Just a brief update...

'Lose It!' is still working wonderfully! I am down 14.6 pounds since the beginning of January. We are having some cruddy weather the last several days- no nothing as bad as what they are getting back east- no we are having one of our lovely winter inversions. People with arthritis tend to notice the change in barometric pressure- but lucky for me, people with migraines also are blessed with the weather changes affecting how we feel. Aren't a whole lot of options available except move to an area that doesn't have the inversions and large changes in barometric changes- I have been told that such a place doesn't actually exist. Oh well, one can dream can't they. Hoping it warms up enough that being outside does not cause my lungs to burn and otherwise mess with my asthma. Well that is all for now...good night my dear friends :)

It's Working, It's Working!

Yes, finally a weight loss program is working! I am not going to call it a diet, well, because it is working AND I don't feel like I am depriving myself of anything. For several years we have tried to lose weight- we have tried many things- weight watchers, medication, diet change/restriction and a few other things. Very few of them did anything noticeable if they did anything at all, and once we went back to life as 'normal' we would inevitably gain all of the lost weight back and then some. This program called Lose It! comes in the form of an app for your iphone, a book to read/refer to etc., and a website. True we have only been using it for 10 days tomorrow, but it is already working! Richard has lost weight, isn't cheating on what he's eating- you don't have to- you can eat whatever you want! I have lost weight- I am beyond shocked partly because aside from a little exercise (need to get better at this part) I have not really modified my diet- I am, we are eating foods that we normally would be eating- Richard even had McDonald's over the weekend and I had dinner from Panda Express. It is a lovely little thing that many have preached, what we have tried in the past- but just a little bit different- moderation and calorie tracking. I don't think Richard has met his calorie budget since we started and I have only gone over once- don't remember why, but it was only like 50 calories, so no harm done there. We are getting something that I have tried for, hoped for, wished for many times- after eating dinner neither of us are hungry a few hours later, sure a few hours after dinner we might have some dessert- jello, a muffin or yes, even some ice cream- the difference is there is a portion size for a reason and if you eat healthy all day long, well then those portion sizes don't seem so small or restricting after all. We both have a large goal, but I think if we continue to work together, support each other and get the support from our friends (some new from the program) and families- well, I think we might just conquer this one.

New Year, New Beginnings

It doesn't seem like another year has passed but it has...2010 is behind us and 2011 has come in with a bang or at least a small pop. Richard and I have started a diet that appears to be working and one that both of us will be able to stick with long term. This is also the first year in while that we have made some long term goals/plans that also appear to be doable.

This year I hope that the anniversaries will come and go with less pain and stress. Counseling has definitely helped more the last few months- much more than it had in the last 2 years with the other counselor. We are still working to get the anxiety and bipolar under better control- I am still having problems with major manic episodes where I stay awake for 30 to 36+ hours even when taking medications for insomnia, anxiety, and mania. My headaches are under better control somedays better than others. I am still experiencing almost daily headaches but they are more often at the point that I can deal with the pain without being completely incapacitated. My headaches are unfortunately still at the point that I am needing to take pain medication several times a week, but the days requiring multiple doses of pain medication are lessening.

We are hoping to be able to do more camping this summer- both SCA and with family. Richard got a new to him truck this fall following an accident that totaled his truck. Both of our families were instrumental in being able to replace his truck, and for that we are both extremely grateful. Our families are very important to us- we are hoping/planning to make a long awaited trip to visit Richard's family(and some of mine along the way) next year in the fall. We are hoping that life calms down a bit this year now that my disability is in place and my insurance is affordable. Now if we could only get something for Richard so that he can see the doctor, something that he has not done in 2 years. We are also hoping that his business continues to grow and that he will be able to continue doing the job that he has wanted to do and is really good at doing.

Our big plans for this year will actually be happening in a few months- the musical WICKED is continuing its tour and Boise is on that path this year, so to 'reward' ourselves in getting through the last few years without killing one another, burning down the house, or anything else that has crossed our minds- we are treating ourselves and hopefully a few of my close friends will be able to do the same and join us for this wonderful event in May. Hopefully we will stay faithful to our diet and see some results, my headaches will continue to head towards controlled and we will get my meds figured out and life will calm down for more than a few days at a time. We are also hoping that the surgery that I will be having sometime this spring will go well without complications and recovery is quick.

Here's to hoping that 2011 brings happiness and better health.

Changes and Decisions

Well my doctor's office finally got back with me regarding an estimate for a procedure that I need to have done. Part of the procedure will not be covered by my insurance until 2011, which really isn't a big deal as I wasn't planning to have the procedure done until after the 1st of the year. So now we have the estimate and it is really a lot less than I thought that it was going to be- now it is getting up the courage to do it. The procedure is one that I need to have done, we have talked about with my doctor for over a year and when I had my last issue with the cyst and the ER we again discussed it. The problem is that this procedure will in a sense throw me into surgical menopause which will also render me completely infertile. When we first discussed the procedure it seemed like something that would be so far away that I really didn't think about the repercussions of having this done- I really thought about when a few months ago we were in the office having another ultrasound and my doctor asked what our plans for trying for a family was for the next 1, 2, or 3 years were- I reluctantly and tearfully answered that we were done trying. He sat down with us and explained what needed to be done in order to stop the cysts, take care of the endometriosis and the painful, heavy cycles- but in doing so we will be completely ending any chance of having a family in the future.

Knowing all of this it has taken me 3-4 months to finally call the office to get the financial information. They wanted to know if I wanted to set up a pre-op appointment and of course I backed out of this telling them I will call them after the first of the year to schedule an appointment. Richard wants me to know that he fully supports whatever decision I make- he just wants me to get with all of my girlfriends and let them know what is going on so that they can be there to support me. He is afraid that I am going to have this procedure done and then have a complete breakdown- which is a possibility- I don't want this to happen but it isn't always something I can control and this is taking a lot of control away. In my head and even to an extent in my heart- I know that we are done trying for a family- both now and in the future- but it scares me to know that this will be permanent and final.

The other problem is my coumadin- I have to go off of it prior to surgery and the last time we checked on going off of it for a procedure it was a great big process because I am on it to prevent blood clots- for that reason I guess I can't just go off of it for a few days prior to the procedure, no, I have to go back on the Lovenox(subQ injections) then stop the coumadin, stop the Lovenox the day prior to the procedure then re-start the Lovenox and the coumadin after the procedure then I am on the Lovenox until my coumadin levels are back to therapeutic levels- which this last time I re-started the coumadin it has taken over 6 months to finally get it back to therapeutic levels- where we have stayed for the last 4 months or so.

I guess my counselor and I will have a lot to talk about when I see her again on the 5th and then I see my psych the following week- so I guess I make my pre-op for the middle of January. Merry Christmas...

Holidays Are Here Again....

Yesterday was the 2nd Angelversary for Olivia Grace- I hate that the memories of 2 years ago are still so vivid and clear. To an extent I am happy that I have memories of her but then I also wish that they maybe weren't so present. We had our annual Yule gathering at Kris and Kim's house- a few people made comments that they knew the day was difficult for me and that they were thinking of us. My family also had their get together last night- we went to the gathering for Circle as it had been planned in November- my parents understood and agreed with our decision, I don't know how the rest of my family felt- probably won't find out either which is fine. I am actually glad that we weren't with the family gathering as all four of what I guess would be considered the great-grandkids were there- Alden is I believe 7, his sister Amelia will be 6 at the end of the month- Riley is 17 months and the newest member Layton is just over 2 months old. I am fine with Alden and Amelia- Riley is the one that I have trouble with as our last baby would have been a month younger than Riley- and I have never met Layton, so I don't know how I will react to him. When his mother announced that she was expecting and my Aunt also very enthusiastically announced that she was going to be Grandmother- I didn't handle myself as well as I would have liked too, but the announcement was also made as we were all gathering to go to the church for my Uncle's funeral. I pretty much avoided her during her pregnancy, which really wasn't that difficult actually as for whatever reason we really don't have a relationship.

Anyway, we got our tree up (a few weeks ago), Richard put the lights on it and told me that it was my turn- well I finally got up the courage, energy, whatever you want to call it and we decorated the tree and the living room last Saturday. It does look pretty, I am glad that it is done. We also put out a few extra decorations that we have never used- about 10 years ago while on a trip to McCall we picked up a very cute Boyd's Bear's porcelain cookie plate and mug set- for Santa. We picked it out as something to put away- I had always tried not to buy anything that would be for children as I felt that it was bad luck to have it in the house. We decided to go ahead and get it as we decided that if we didn't get it now it probably wouldn't be available when we did have children. It has been wrapped in tissue paper and the bag from the store it was purchased from and stored in various different places over the years- sometime recently it was moved to my china cabinet where I also store my nice cookie sheets- Sunday (yesterday) when I went to get the cookie sheets I found the bag and unwrapped everything and lost it- Richard was out shoveling snow, so I brought the plate and mug out and placed it on a table decorated with family photos and special crocheted ornaments and decorations made by Richard's Grandma Rutha.

So far everything had been going okay until I was getting ready for our get together last night and had problems with my shoes, my skirt and a few other things and I had a huge panic attack, which I haven't done in a while. Richard helped calm me down and we went to the party and had a very nice time with our friends.

I found out this morning that we have been invited for Christmas Eve to my Aunt and Uncle's house- I don't know if any of their boys will be there- for the last few years that we have gotten together for Christmas Eve they have been elsewhere- so we'll see this year- it may be the first time I meet/see the new baby.

Still have to got Christmas shopping- hoping to do that tomorrow or Wednesday- yeah I know, nothing like waiting until the last minute- oh, well.

Holidays

I had my weekly visit with my counselor, she is very caring and kind. Our project this month is to get me through the month. We came up with several activities to do starting this weekend and lasting over the next several weeks. Part of this activity is to help get me through December/the holidays and part of it is to make sure that I am getting out of the house. Richard and I attempted to do one these activities last weekend- my parents gave us 2 passes for the Thundermountain Line- which the weekend after Thanksgiving and throughout December went from being a basic train ride 'The Horseshoe Bend Express' to 'The North Pole Express' complete with decorations, stories with Mrs. Claus, Christmas carols, milk and cookies and the finale a visit to the North Pole to have pictures taken with Santa Clause. We had planned on going the weekend of Thanksgiving, but we had our first storm that weekend making roads rough and go figure- I had a migraine and really didn't want to spend the next 3.5 hours on a train full of families and then by driving the new vehicle on icy roads in the dark to get home. Any way the lady that I talked to for the train said that cancellation wouldn't be a problem due to the weather and the fact that they are gift certificates- we just have to use them by the end of the year. So that is my project tomorrow- schedule our train trip hopefully this weekend- definitely will be one way to face my fears- be loaded on a train full of families and commercialized Christmas. I am trying to look at as wonderful time spent with Richard while seeing a beautiful part of Idaho covered in snow. Just hoping for decent weather for the trip there and back- get to see how the new truck handles on the mountain roads, so far it has been okay here in town- do have another storm slated for tomorrow, so we will see.

Still playing with the debate of whether or not to put up the tree. Last year was technically the first time we put it up- we did have the tree up in 2008 when we first bought it (yes, we have an artificial tree) we placed the new ornaments that we found (feathery angel wings) and personalized for our at the time 3 angels- when we lost Olivia a little over a week later we could no longer find the angels wings- so she doesn't have one. I have looked multiple places for the last 2 years and have not had any luck in finding them- we both really want to have all 4 with their own set of wings. Last year we put the tree up, Richard strung the lights and then it took me 2 weeks to decorate the tree. Right now I really don't want the tree and all the decorations out and Richard supports me in that decision- but I know that we wants the decorations- maybe not all of them- I do like having the tree up with the white twinkle lights and the kitties curled up underneath- it is pretty.

I don't know what we are doing as far as family get togethers. My Aunt that used to live in Oklahoma moved back here to Idaho in August really wants to get together with the entire family for Christmas