October 15th, Wave of Light

Our Family, Olivia Grace, Henry Philip, RuthAnn and Brierley Isabel


From Richard's parents


The first of what has become many dear friends <3

Thinking of our darling Angels and those that we have come to know over the years. I pray that they are all looking down tonight and seeing the beautiful wave of light just for them from all of those who love and miss them dearly.

Thank you for all of your kind thoughts- they really, truly mean so much to me. Just knowing that you are all here and most importantly you don't think that I am a complete nut job, although my psychiatrist, therapist and family think otherwise. And to what Rosa asked, when I am alone my mind loves to fuck with me...I would like to honestly say that I won't do anything, but sometimes I don't trust myself as I have done things in the past. What stops me from doing anything is my family- I don't want to be the reason that they are in pain. Just because I am gone physically, emotionally I would be leaving behind so much more wreckage for my family and I can't/won't do that to them. I also know that just shoving my emotions down somewhere to where I 'don't' have to deal with them is kind of what got me to where I am in the first place.
Dh and my family support me, they may not always understand me. I am trying to go on with my emotions without hurting anyone else. Dh's cousin sent a wonderful thank you when they received the baby's gift yesterday. I am really trying to be happy, the baby is beautiful and healthy, what more could one ask for, well except for the obvious that I know is never going to happen. I guess that is part of what brings me to tears every time I think about the new baby- each day, each month, each year brings that horrible reality that much closer. I had a wonderful dream as a child and no matter what we do that dream will never be fulfilled. My heart is broken and while temporary patches of happiness are there, the cracks are so deep that I don't know if there is a fix for any of them. I have learned over the years what people want to hear, what makes them think that everything is okay-no that is not the most appropriate way to handle things, it is just the easiest way to 'deal' with things sometimes. The questions of 'so when are you going to start your family', 'you've been married for almost 15 years-what are you waiting for, you're not getting any younger'. Luckily, those questions are slowing and even sometimes not even asked any longer. I know things will eventually get easier, better as time goes by. It gets 'easier' as time goes by because everyone in my life believes it has been long enough therefore it shouldn't be something this upsetting still- I should be all better now and new babies in the family should completely overjoy me- I shouldn't have those selfish thoughts any more, it's been almost 6 years since we lost our first hope and dream and it has been almost 3 years since our last sweet surprise. Time is just a number, saying that 'time heals all wounds', yeah, I would like to meet that person so I can hit them upside the head with a 2x4.
Oh, and if this wasn't enough the last baby born on my side of the family will be having his 1st birthday in October. Mom is family by marriage and has never really 'liked' me since we met in 2006. Dad is my cousin and we used to be fairly close. Since they married in 2007 she has pulled further and further away from dh and I, and to make her happy, my cousin has also pulled away. We live just under a mile away from each other- I have been told that they have seen dh and I walking on the greenbelt, but they have never said anything to us. Anyway, I was not invited to the baby shower, supposedly an oversight as my Aunt sent an invitation (separate from everyone else's) 4 days before the shower. Well, now it is coming up on that time of the 1st birthday- my Mom and another Aunt have both received an invitation for his birthday party. Just another jab at my emotions. Did she 'over look' me yet again on accident or was it intentional? Either way I would like to say I don't care, in some ways I really truly don't care, but in others it hurts to be told that they don't care.
Sorry this went on for so long- that is how my thoughts have been the last few weeks/days. Everything is all jumbled up, sometimes making sense and sometimes not. Again, thank you for your kind thoughts, having you here, having been through similar if not the same situations helps knowing that you understand. Thank you my friends ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Double Standards

DH's cousin that surprisingly found out that she was pg last month delivered a very healthy, very beautiful baby girl yesterday afternoon. I honestly and from the heart congratulated the Mom, Dad and Grandma; I looked at the few pictures that had been posted at the time and I told them that she is beautiful and was very happy that Mom and baby were doing well.
Well today dh mentioned something that really wasn't very important, well not important to me. Yes, a new life coming into the world regardless of being a friend, a relative or a complete stranger is a wonderful blessed occasion. An occasion that I am just supposed to look at and be hands down happy. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for this family member-but I honestly don't understand why when I recognized that I was having a difficult time I am now the horrible person because I am not cheering every second, blanketing my FB page with announcements that this blessed new arrival is here! I am terribly sorry that the person that is expressing an issue with my 'behavior' is none other than the person that I have trusted with my heart, my feelings, my memories- my dh. We had a huge argument this afternoon that basically came across as I am selfish and blaming everyone else around me that is either pg or having children. He had the guts to tell me that in MY therapy sessions I should be learning to move on, I should not be this emotional as it will be 6 years next month since our first miscarriage. I shouldn't be this emotional about any of them. He believes that I should be over the pain, that my friends don't want to be around me because I carry so much pain and heartbreak over something that I have no control over. Well here is how I feel about it- if my 'friends' are tired of this huge part of my life, I am sorry, so I am and ya know what it is something that I will have to live with for rest of my life and if they don't want to be a part of that- all they need to do is tell me, I understand, and I will walk away. As for dh, I don't know what to do there. He says that I remember and honor OUR Angels TOO much...funny, candles and FB posts happen 4-5 times a year. Candles are lit and a FB post are made to honor and remember the date that we lost them and then again on October 15th during the Wave of Light. Yes, their candles are also lit on 4/19, 9/11, 12/24, 12/25 and 12/31. I don't place candles out on what was to be their due date.
I would like to say that I am sorry that I have not completely moved on, but I am not. I have come a long way from where I once was even as recently as 1-2 years ago. I know that no matter how angry, bitter, hurt or frustrated I have been since 2005 when our hopes and dreams were discovered in a few short weeks only to be crushed, destroyed, taken away all within a few hours that seemed to last forever.
September 2005 to December 2008 was the longest, most horrible roller coaster that I have ever been on. At times I did feel that I was on this life changing journey to hell and back on my own. I know that dh was also traveling with me, alongside me, but sometimes it felt as if he got off when he didn't want to deal with it any more. For the most part, none of my family or friends were with me, they would get on when they felt that they could, but would leap off at any time so as not to have to deal with me and my emotions. At times I don't blame them, I wish that I could get off at a moments notice and all of the pain, everything was left behind, but in reality I can't do that. Don't get me wrong I have received the most heartfelt support from family members- last year my MIL lit a candle on October 15th in honor and remembrance of the Angels that would have been her grandchildren. That small gesture meant so much to me, it let me know that the people who love me also acknowledge the 4 very special lives that were here however briefly, they were here, they were loved by others, not just myself and Richard.
Regardless of how others believe that I should feel, where I should be on this journey, whether the people around me feel that they no longer wish to support me on this journey. Whether people believe that I should just suck up my feelings and 'get over it' and move on already. I have made progress, maybe not as much as some people believe that I should have, but I have. This is my journey, dh has is journey and we have our journey. There is not a timeframe for any of these journeys unless it was self-imposed by someone. I learned 5 years ago that I am not the one to be able to set that timeframe. Healing happens in its own time, some times when you least expect it. I just wish I didn't feel like I was being judged by how others go through the healing process or how sometimes dh seems to understand my feelings only to turn around and tell me that I am not healing fast enough.

Hopefully Winding Down

Well, Mom had surgery this afternoon and everything went very well. The surgeon told my Dad that when he made the initial incision the tissue immediately pinked up, pretty much showing how bad the compression was. So a 'simple' laminectomy was all that was needed, no fusion or hardware was required. I am now trying to relax now that the surgery is over and she feels better.
Saw my psychiatrist this afternoon also, we didn't change any meds at this time but we are being cautious and watching the cycling which has been very rapid the last few weeks. So instead of seeing him again in 3 months, I have to go back the end of the month and if things aren't better then we will look at changing meds. Also going back to see the counselor once a week instead of every other week. I thought things were going ok and between my counselor and myself being sick a few times in June I had appointments cancelled and rescheduled and then we both kinda forgot about things and I went almost a month and a half without seeing her and obviously that wasn't the best idea.
So some of my stressors/emotional issues are getting better, but there are a few that are still hanging around- events that have made me jealous, angry with myself and my body- events that are causing me to ask 'Why not us?' I truly am happy for the people in these situations, don't get me wrong, they both absolutely deserve what has happened to them, it just brings up some painful issues- something that I know I will be talking to my counselor about, somethings that I thought we had processed and beginning to resolve- after these last few days I am thinking not so much.
I am ready for the hot Summer weather to be over, I know it is not as hot here as it is in other places, but I am still too hot- I just don't do the heat. I am ready for Summer projects to be done or at least slow down so I can have more than a day or two during the week to just relax with Richard. I think it is slowly coming. I can do this.

I Can't Take Much More Of This....

I am stressed out beyond being stressed out. This entire Summer has had something pretty much every weekend since June, and I have felt like complete shit pretty much every weekend and I don't know how much more I can take. I have done 2 SCA events, both feeling like crap-medicated for pain at both of them and one of them we had to come home in the middle of the night because I was sick. Why do I do these things, to make others around me happy. I feel guilty if I don't participate because I am told that people ask where I am, how do I feel- well after this last event where we left in the middle of the night and I was throwing up, maybe it will make a difference. I sometimes feel that people don't believe me, that they think that I just don't want to be there- trust me that is far from the truth. I miss spending time with my friends, I hate feeling the way that I do.
I just want a weekend with nothing planned, I want a clean house, laundry completely done, I want to spend time with my family just relaxing. My Mom has surgery next week- I am scared for her. I am trying to figure out my nursing license- go one way and hopefully everything stays the same, we pay $90 and I have my regular license. Go a different direction with several restrictions, but is only $25 and I get an Emeritus License, which is all well and fine except for some pretty huge restrictions- I CANNOT practice nursing while having this license, don't know what that does to first aid, but then that is another story altogether, and then when I am ready to get my full license back all I have to do is pay the fee, fill out the application and get a letter of competency to practice...that is the snag.
I just want this Summer to be over, no more SCA events for a while, hopefully business for Richard picks up and stressing over paying bills, medications, medical care, mortgage, utilities will all slow down, and hopefully what needs to slow down does so for a good reason, not because we can't just get an apartment (no credit) or somewhere where we can have our cats and our things. We have no where to go, I just want a vacation that I don't have to stress about. Our vacation next year, most likely isn't happening unless he won the lottery recently and forgot to tell me that everything is going to be alright.

Henry Philip

It is interesting, finally after this all started in 2005 things are starting to get easier, memories are not as painful. It has been 5 years since we lost Henry Philip and I am actually feeling a sense of peace. I can remember our sweet boy and smile as I remember the brief time we had with him. How proud Richard was as we both felt very strongly that this baby was definitely a boy. No matter how painful times have been, I would never trade them in for anything- except maybe that we had a few more weeks with each of our Angels- but in order to do that we would also have to chose that we never would have met a few of our Angels and I can't/don't want to do that.
So this morning as the sunrises and the colors of the sky begin to change from purple to orange, I remember with a smile on my face and pure love in my heart our sweet little peanut, Our Henry Philip. Daddy and I love you sweet boy with all of our hearts. We are remembering you and all the hopes and dreams we had for you. Fly free and continue to watch over us and keep us safe.
We love you sweet boy and know you are in a beautiful place with your siblings and families. We will never forget you or your tiny footprints that have been forever etched onto our hearts.
Love You Forever and Always- Mommy and Daddy <3

Changes Needed

I have now had my current migraine for almost 2 weeks- I have done everything that I am supposed to do with the darn things. I even contacted my doctor's office last Wednesday requesting a different combo of meds that have in the past knocked the headache down. Never got a call back from the doctor's office- have an appointment for medication refill next Thursday, so most likely will give up on this until seen next week. I have found in the past that it doesn't do any good to contact the office multiple times, so whatever, just adds to the frustration.
Also attempting to get in with a new doctor- internal medicine. Wasn't planning on them taking over everything, yet I guess that is what they plan to do as they can't set up an appointment with any of the internal medicine doctors until they hear back from my general practice doctor who I had planned to continue to see for some things.
All I know is that I am frustrated with how I feel- I want to be able to eat something and not be afraid of what it is going to do to my stomach. I am past ready for this damn headache to go away- it has already kept me from getting together with friends and has had Richard admit that at times he wonders if I really do have a headache or if I just don't want to do something- that made me feel great!