It is happening....

Got the phone call earlier today that I am getting admitted to start my rapid detox from my psych meds. I am a little nervous, yet excited to finally get this done. Please keep me in your thoughts.

On Hold

Saw main psychiatrist yesterday and at first he was not agreeing with a detox of my meds- but by the end of the appointment I think he is on the same page as we are; I didn't get a phone call from him today so I have to call his office in the morning to make sure that he called to try to find a doctor to admit me- he said that he would have to 'sell' the idea to them. It is just frustrating because I was hoping that this would be something happening quickly- before my COBRA runs out; which doesn't really matter because the insurance that I applied for that I am probably not going to get anyway doesn't have mental health coverage on it anyway. I never thought that I would be disappointed to not be going to a hospital, especially a mental health one at that.

Changes will be happening soon

It has been awhile since I have written, partly because I haven't had the energy and partly because I have been so lost. We are finally going through the process (or at least within the next week or so) of weaning off all of my medications in a controlled environment- yes I will be inpatient at a psych hospital for 1 to 2 weeks. I am nervous about all of this happening but know that it is a good thing and needs to happen for my own well-being. I will write before I go in and then I won't be able to have computer access while I am in the hospital, but I will give an update when I get home. This is a big step for me and I am scared about the process and thought of going off all my meds. I know that I have lots of friends and family are thinking of me and that is what is getting me through at this time.

Lots to Update.....

This summer has been really rough for me. My headaches got out of control on more than one occasion landing us in the ER for treatment. My parents had to put their beloved (my sibling) lab down just a week past her 12 birthday- she is now cremated and sits in a beautiful box surrounded by fun memorable pictures on top of a curio cabinet in their living room. My mom had both of her knees replaced at the same time- this was when my headaches started to get out of control- when I was supposed to be helping take care of her I was ending up over at their home so my dad could take care of both of us. And then recently I had some of the really bad headaches that had caused me to go through a months worth of pills in 20 days; so it was decided that we would wean off of some of the pain meds, also because I had become suicidal again- one of the trips to the ER for pain control and anxiety control. This summer has been a downward spiral for me in trying to get off of meds, understand why people still love me and take care of me when all control is gone, when I just want to give it all up- everyone is still here for me. Sometimes that is the hardest part for me to understand- I know that I am loved I just sometimes can't see it or understand it.

All 4 in the sand now

Olivia

Olivia
Born into Heaven 12/19/2008

Nampa, Idaho

You were a miracle surprise that we hoped and dreamed of, lost too
soon to realize all that we had planned for you. Fly free little one
with your sisters and your brother. Until we all meet again our
precious little bean I know that you watch over us and are with us.
Chase the dragonflies and rainbows- Mommy and Daddy love you with all
our hearts!

On Death and Dying

My parents found out today that their 'second' child- their dog- Jessie has cancer. She has been barking more frequently, snarling, and even snapping occasionally the last few weeks. My Dad took her to the vet this morning because she wouldn't put any weight on one of her legs, yet she would still wag her tail and get up on the bed to be with my Mom who recently had surgery. Jessie was brought into our family the year dh and I got married- she is to turn 12 next month. She has been given a week to 6 months; my parents were given signs to watch for increasing problems that will lead to having Jessie die a more dignified death and to stop the suffering. Jessie is a beautiful black lab, the second one that my parents have owned and will be the last. We won't be seeing her playful tail wag when we come to visit, she won't go crazy when dh (whom she absolutely adores, and always has) shows up even if she just saw him 5 minutes ago. She has been given pain pills to make things easier-but it won't be any easier for the rest of us left behind. Dad set cremation arrangements and Mom has a box picked out. It has already been discussed that some of her ashes will go to special places that she enjoyed. We will have walks to remember and playful puppy memories- but I know that this is going to be difficult for my parents, especially my Dad who stays home during the day with Jessie- his best friend is going away- today I saw both my parents cry as they discussed the findings and the options. It is going to be hard for all of us- but we know when the time comes it will be best for Jessie as no one should have to suffer or be in pain. I believe that animals and children go to a special place when they pass on- so I know that Jessie will be with our Angels playing in the sunshine chasing butterflies and dragonflies. Playing fetch until she drops and have an endless lake to swim in- until we see her again she will be happy. I have been reading about Buddhism lately and I know that Jessie will have a good rebirth- she has made so many people happy in her lifetime. It will be hard to let her go, but I know that she will know when the time is right- she is a lady and will let us know when she is ready. Until then we get to enjoy her being with us and hopefully the pain meds will make it easier for her and she will at least be comfortable until it is her time to go and be with the Angels.

Our Sweet Henry Philip

Our dear sweet little peanut- today is the day that we lost you 3 years ago and yet it seems like just yesterday sometimes. We had so many hopes and dreams for you- until we meet again we love you with all our hearts.

Love- Mommy and Daddy