Well we are back from Sun Valley- it was a long weekend. The funeral mass Saturday morning was beautiful. My Aunt if doing well, family is taking turns staying with her at the hotel and they will be deciding what to do with it in the near future.

It was sad being there and hearing Uncle Joe laughing at something. Their grandchildren are also dealing with everything ok- but I think as time goes by they will realize that he is not coming back.

Also found out that Chris' wife Sarah is pregnant- about 4 months. I am trying to be happy for her- but at the same time I am yet again disappointed. My parents are the only ones to not have a grandchild and that breaks my heart. I also met baby Riley for the first time- he was born the month before our last one was due. It was difficult to see what he is doing- playing, crawling, trying to pull up on chairs- everything that our child should also be doing. But as I coming to learn that is just life- and ours doesn't involve a living child.

Rest In Peace

Today I found out that my beloved Uncle Joe passed suddenly last night due to a massive stroke. He died in the hands of the flight team rushing him to a hospital in Boise. I cannot imagine what my Aunt is going through- she last saw him alive in a hospital ER then finds out that he did not survive the helicopter trip. We will be traveling to Sun Valley next weekend for the services. He leaves behind two sons and three grandchildren- youngest will never know their grandfather except through stories and pictures- the other two have spent much time with their grandfather and I know will miss him dearly. It saddens me that I will never hear voice, his laugh, or receive another warm hug from him. Although I had not seen him in quite awhile I thought of frequently- his strong and gentle soul will be missed.

Lots of Stuff

Still having headaches and realizing that I am just going to have to live with them. Some days are ok- not necessarily good, but ok- tolerable; other days are absolute hell- especially when my pain meds don't do a dang thing- which is what seems to be happening lately.

I got my date for my disability hearing- May 11th at 1pm- I am nervous about what will happen. Working on getting paperwork finished from the attorneys so they can continue their work.

Dad is having a shoulder revision later this morning- a new surgeon, hospital, nursing staff-everything, but so far everyone that he has met have been very nice. I will be puppy sitting today and tomorrow- otherwise the dog tears up everything in her kennel.

Also had a new med added- Ativan for anxiety as the Xanax wasn't doing anything- so we'll give this a try and hope for the best.

More Headache Trouble

Well the journey continues....a few days ago I spent 7 hours in the ER for yet another migraine- trust me it was a blast- NOT! Anyway, I am now (have been since Friday night) on a regimen called a Headache Cocktail- it is a combination of 3 different meds; an antihistamine, a steroid and a muscle relaxer. Yeah it is a fun combo- I am on this for a total of 5 days to kick this cycle of migraine- I see my pain specialist on Thursday. So this is my fun 'high' life until Wednesday.

Gone 3 Years

Our sweet Little Mouse- we love and miss you. Thinking of you today- we lit your candle this morning. All Our Love- Mommy and Daddy

Well in trying to conquer my increasing depression (my Lithium was decreased last month because that was thought to be the cause) my psychiatrist decided to go the opposite direction- my Lithium has been increased again- so instead of taking 450mg once a day I know will take 900mg total a day and get back with my MD in a week to see how things are going. I hate taking pills- the increase runs the fabulous risk of increasing my migraines, which I already have on a daily basis as it is- so how much worse can it get?

Rough few days

Just realized 10 days and it will be 3 years since we lost little mouse. I have been thinking about how our lives have changed over the last 5 years- dh and I had a talk and he thinks that I should be able to move on by now- get on with my life. Trust me I have tried very hard to 'move on' but to be honest it is hard when my heart is shattered. I want to be happy, I want to think about my life and be happy with what I have accomplished- I should be proud- but all I can think of is what I have lost, what I will never have. I feel like I have let my family down- I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about any of this because I feel guilty that I have this much pain- I don't want people to feel bad for me- I don't want them to feel guilty. One of my really good friends just told me that she is thinking of having a baby in the next year- and wants me to be a part of its life. When she told me this I had an overwhelming sense of jealously- and I don't want to be like that- I want to be happy for her, I am happy for her, really I am- but I want it and I can't. Dh says that I should talk to her to tell how I feel, but I feel like this is my problem- why should I make it hers. I don't want her to feel guilty, I know she told me because she is happy and wants me to be happy to. I just wish that time really did heal wounds- because right now I feel like it is a big lie- every time I think that something gets easier or better- I fall apart and feel like it happened yesterday. When does it get easier?