6 more days to 'normal'

I hate the way I get this time of year. I had hoped that this year would be different, why I don't know, but I had hoped. But the closer it gets to 'the day' the worse I am beginning to feel. Richard and I are fighting more and more- and it is about stupid things- tonight it was about making labels for gifts that I had made for our friends that we will be getting together with tomorrow night. I spent today making their cards, there were only 5 to make, but it took me all day long to do- then I sat and stared at the boxes of decorations that have been in the living room for 2 weeks- the lights are on the tree, I actually thought about turning them on today- the tree is pretty when it is lit- I didn't put the lights on- he did. There are ornaments on the tree- 3 of them- they are the ornaments that we have gotten over the last few years that just have never been put away because we haven't had the decorations out to do so. Now as it gets closer I am thinking it is kind of silly to spend all this time decorating a tree for a few days just to have to take everything down and put it away again in a few weeks. My Dad joked, anyways I think it was a joke, that we should have Christmas at our house this year- yeah wouldn't that be festive- I have a Charlie Brown tree with 3 ornaments on it and the rest of the decorations in tubs sitting taking up space in my living room.
I think that the rest of our family has given up on us as well, usually by now we have gotten several cards from my husbands family- we have gotten 2, one from his parents- they are vacationing in Mexico- and one from an aunt and uncle. The only other card that we have gotten that wasn't from family or from my support group was from the grandmother of the little boy I used to be a nanny for- she has no idea why we don't have children, or that we haven't really celebrated for so long. I don't know why I care- I don't know if it would help me get in to the spirit any more or not- I haven't even heard if we are doing a family get together this year or not- I know that my husband and I will be going over to my parents house like we do every year- but the rest of the family- who knows. It feels weird, I haven't been shopping, haven't wrapped anything- we don't have anything to wrap- all we have for gifts this year are things for the cats. Richard and I spent money on ourselves paying for a trip to Seattle that we are taking in February- I know that Christmas is about much more than gifts, but this year it just seems like another day that is coming up. I haven't done any baking and don't know if I am going to get the chance to- that was the one thing that I was looking forward to this year, baking with my Mom- and she wanted to do that Sunday, but I had to work. It just seems like nothing is going right anywhere- work, home- no where. I want a vacation from my life- somewhere where none of this exists- but that wouldn't be realistic now would it- and I would eventually have to come back- what fun would that be.

Christmas Cards....

I have been receiving cards from my support group since before Thanksgiving, well, they have been sitting on my desk not opened since being taking out of the mailbox. I don't know why I hadn't opened any of them, well, I guess I kind of know why, originally my excuse was that I wanted to wait until I had gotten mine out in the mail- well, I did that last week, and still there they sat all unopened. Well a few minutes ago I decided that I needed to start opening them, I am really glad that I did- the women in my support group are amazing! Some of the cards are handmade, others are like mine- store bought. But all of them are precious and heartfelt- the first one that I opened made me cry immediately, but they weren't necessarily tears of sadness or pain...they were tears of thanks for being remembered. You see, being the parent of angels is not the same as one to a living child- any way I have found that most people don't see it as the same thing- even my own husband doesn't view it that way sometimes. This first card that I opened had a beautiful little construction paper angel with hearts on it- on the hearts were the names of our angels- it is simple but absolutely beautiful- a new ornament to place on the tree- the tree that is up for the first time since we lost our first angel in 2005. Christmas is 11 days away now and I still don't have the tree decorated and really don't want to, I am trying my best to be happy and to get into the holiday spirit- but it is difficult when I don't feel happy inside, when my heart is continuously aching for what I don't have with me, what I will never have with me, what are only fleeting memories. When will this pain get easier? When will I enjoy Christmas again? When will I stop feeling guilty for hating this family holiday- why do I have to?

Still going....

Well, I made it through yet another month. I am only down a little over 3.5 pounds this time around, but hey every little bit counts. It took several years to pack on the pounds I really shouldn't be expecting them to just fall off. So now I just have Christmas and New Year's to get through before I go back for my next follow up, so we'll see what happens. I also had my thyroid rechecked today- I guess I am on the high end of normal, they already have me taking something for that, so this will tell them if I need to be on something more or not. And they were worried about maybe me becoming more fertile- which I thought was odd since I wasn't really considered fertile to begin with...anyway, they were concerned since they put me on glucophage and thyroid meds which are sometimes used for treating some infertility issues- well I can tell them it ain't a worry- we've had a couple of times were I wasn't paying attention to dates and well I am still not pregnant- so don't think that it will be a problem. Oh well, they I think were hoping a little too hard....we finally have our tree up, it is not decorated, not in the mood to get that far yet, hopefully that will be this coming weekends project....I did get part of my Christmas cards sent out though- that is a big accomplishment- so I am happy there. One day at a time, one day at a time........

One down....one more to go

Made it through Thanksgiving, it was only my parents, me and my husband...so no one around to ask dumb questions, just a nice quiet, peaceful dinner. Then I got lucky and didn't get called in to work- someone does like me :)

The holidays are coming....

Well Thanksgiving is only a few more days away....yippee! NOT...at least it will just be my parents and my husband this year so no awkward questions from the extended family of 'so when are you two going to have some kids' You know one of these days I am going to stop being nice and polite and just come out and say it and completely blow all of them away....I wish. No at Christmas, when everyone will be around, it will be the same as it is every year....I will smile and try to change the subject- no sense in making them feel as shitty as I do. Hell they don't even know that we HAVE been pregnant 3 times already....they don't know that we have lost 3 babies and that we, well okay, I have decided that we are most likely done trying for any more. They don't know that I am scared to death of becoming pregnant again and then loosing another baby....they don't know that my husband and I don't agree that we are done. My husband still thinks that we will try again next year. I feel guilty that if we don't try again I am letting him down, that I am letting my parents down. I feel like this decision that is in my best interest for health reasons is the wrong decision because my husband still wants to be a Dad to a living child. He tells me that I am a mother, I don't feel like one, I don't have anything to show for it but a broken heart and three statues in our front yard with dates on them they we light candles for...that isn't something great to show people- yes, these are my children. I hate the holidays...I wish that they would just be here faster then be over and done with, yes I am feeling better this year than I have for the past two years, I have actually have Christmas cards purchased...something that we haven't done in a very long time- but I do keep thinking that we should have a baby to be celebrating with and we don't, we won't, we can't. It isn't fair...I shouldn't be looking for things at Christmas to memorialize my babies that aren't here...but that is what I seem to be spending my time on lately, or trying to find projects for work for our bereavement department...something just doesn't seem right about that...but that is my life, like it or not, that is what I have been given and stuck with. Happy Holidays to me.....

Back on track....finally

Okay, I am finally back on track! It took a little bit, but I did it, I am back down to a reasonable loss...heading in the right direction! With Thanksgiving just a few days away I am glad, just needed to get over this hump and now I am back on the right path.

Need to get back on track....

Well, I knew this was going to happen because I have not been so good this month- in fact I have been very bad and the lack of weight loss at my appointment this morning proved that, in fact I went up a pound. Oh, well, better luck from here on out. I did this to myself, no one else is to blame, I ate the crap and now I have to pay for it. But I am ready to get back to work and get back to getting the weight off.