Just thinking

I know that I said that I was somewhat relieved that the test came back negative- but still I think that I want what I can't have and it breaks my heart. When am I going to be able to come to terms with what my life has come too? When will I stop the tortuous dreaming of what I can't have, it only makes things worse. Last night dh and I talked about what might be someday and we both still have that dream- doesn't help that we both still want the same thing so badly. I have called the insurance to see if the IUD is covered, it is- but in a way I don't want to get it, I know it isn't permanent, but it feels like it is. Coming to terms with being childless isn't going so well- we both want a child so badly that it hurts and breaks my heart with what I can't give my husband or my parents. I feel broken and damaged that I can't do that one simple thing- why can't I do it?