Thursday, October 17, 2013

Thinking and Procrastinating

 Two days ago was October 15th, the national day of remembrance for pregnancy, infant, stillborn, SIDS and child loss awareness day. It is also referred to as the 'Wave of Light' as everyone who has had a loss, knows someone that has had a loss, anyone that cares; internationally at 7 pm in your time zone we light a candle(s), release lanterns- participants are only asked to light a candle(s) starting at 7 pm and let it burn until 8 pm. If there was a way to do it, it would be awesome to see the 'Wave of Light' as it reaches 7 pm in all the different time zones, I think that it would be beautiful. My parents not only lit their own candle, they came over to our house to see the Lotus Blossom Lanterns that we had and to record and watch the lantern fill with hot air, and then watch it as it left mine and Richard's hands. We watched as it quickly rose and floated away- it was beautiful and healing in a way that I never thought would be. Things have changed with my parents and a few other family members as well. Richard and I openly talk about our Angels, by their names or nicknames. It doesn't feel as awkward to do so with my parents like it used to. I don't know who in my family knows anything, about our infertility troubles, about our losses, that these were and are our children and no, I am not going to have a psychotic break or even a panic/anxiety attack if my family talks about their children or mine. Most of my family and Richard's parents (We have no idea who knows what, or if they know anything at all) knew about our last pregnancy as we were far enough along that we were comfortable in making an official announcement, we knew this would be our one and only pregnancy where that was possible. Only problem with that (and announcing on Face Book) was then we had to do a mass announcement that we had miscarried again and there would be no baby coming July 26, 2012.
During the winter holidays in 2010, I thought that I had finally 'come to terms' (I hate that phrase, btw) with this is how are life was going to be, that we wouldn't have children spying under the tree looking for that elusive glass pickle ornament that meant they got to play Santa and hand out presents. I found a beautiful, fragile Boyd's Bears cookie plate and mug set for Santa that we had purchased back in 2008 on a weekend trip to McCall. I have always tried to not have anything baby related (crib, clothes, etc) in the house, I saw it as bad luck and then what happens when we lose another baby and the nursery is set up for no one. But something felt special about the set and we both agreed we needed to buy it now as it is something that won't be there to buy when we are ready. 2010 was the first time we put up the tree AND decorated it (the tree was put up the year that we bought it, it sat with no lights, no decorations and I couldn't get it out of the house fast enough), I wanted this event to bring me peace, I envisioned the house lights turned out and sitting with Richard the only lights around are the faint glow of the outside Christmas lights and the beautiful white lights on the tree. I had heard from several of the people in my support groups that this was also what they had done, they along with their significant other decorated for the first time in a year or so, they had special ornaments for their Angel(s) and when they were done, they sat back with their loved one, holding each other as they looked at their beautiful tree, they sat there together and cried softly thinking of what precious memories that they had, taking a moment for themselves without family and friends asking questions or them questioning you about things you aren't ready to talk about, things that are private or special only to themselves. Our tree was very beautiful that year, and it made me happy, it was difficult at times, but I was glad that we had done it, maybe, just maybe, we were finally accepting the hand dealt to us. 2011, we were expecting one last little miracle and were having difficulty with doctor's, testing, etc...we were both stressed out, we didn't put the tree up because we just didn't have the time and we were worried about Sprout. Watching my cousins and their children at the family Christmas get together was great, Richard and I kept glancing at each other as it was still just our secret- I hadn't told my Mom or my best friend. We kept thinking that next Christmas we would have a 5 month old that would be the ohh's and ahh's at the party. Christmas Eve we let our parents know that they were going to be grandparents the end of July 2012. I was also excited because my cousins from Oklahoma and Indiana and their kids would be here in Idaho around the 4th of close to our delivery date- I was so happy to share this with my cousin.
Last year I was back to were I had been before, I didn't care about the tree, the lights, the decorations- I just wanted it all over with, packed up and gone.
Now, here we are, 2013...the deal has been made with Richard and my Mom, Richard will decorate outside as he does every year, he will put the tree up and string it with lights. Then, it is my turn, he brings all the boxes into the living room- just seeing the towers of ornaments, decorations and whatnot is very overwhelming to me. My Mom has made the deal with me that if we get the tree up and lit, she will come over and help me decorate it. I am also going to ask her to help me consolidate all the Christmas stuff so not every box has to come inside. Well, I think this is good for now, I have things that must get done before our Halloween Party on Saturday. Will write more later, I want to have it in writing somewhere the meanings and reasoning's behind our little one's names.