Sunday, April 27, 2008

Well, one more happy post before I rearrange my blog

I know that I have been gone for a while- have had a lot happen this last week- that will be another post later, not quite ready for that one yet.
Anyway, my dear sweet husband made a video out of our photos from our handfasting/vow renewal that we did for our 10th wedding anniversary last summer. I guess you could saw this the wedding that we originally wanted 10 years ago, but weren't able to have for multiple reasons- needless to say it was beautiful, our friends were with us, our parents and it was an amazing day. I am posting the youtube video here to share with all of you- I wish that we did have a video of the entire ceremony because it was so beautiful and special- but I will forever remember the day in my heart- my circle of girlfriends helped make the day amazing and unforgetable- please enjoy- Brightest Blessings.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

One flew over the cuckoo's nest- or at least I am pretty darn close

I am now officially drifting without a plan- feeling lost and useless- more than broken. My career is indefinitely on hold- my body must think that I am here for someone's daily amusement other than my own- because I sure ain't laughing. Maybe, just maybe I really am crazy- that will be answered officially next Wednesday when I see the psychiatrist- but today my pain management doc pretty much told me that I am nuts and that is why I am back to having daily headaches. He thinks that I have OCD, anxiety and hey maybe even a touch of- not completely, but maybe I might be Bipolar too- wow, way to make my day doc- thanks! You know my Cymbalta really isn't working on the depression front right now, do you really think you should be telling me that I am a fruit cake all at the same time? Hey your the high priced MD with all the degrees on the wall- I am just the lowly RN who can't work because I am a nut job and I am not safe- can you write me a script for a nice shiny shovel so I can dig myself a hole that I can go crawl into- since that what I want really want to do now. 
Oh and here is the other great thing- I have been off work long enough that my long term disability kicks in next Wednesday- yes I have been off of work for 90 days as off the 23rd! Yeah me- NOT- but when I heard his nurse asking for an approximate date that he thought I may be able to go back to work for the paper work- this was the answer- 3 months- so I have already be at home trying to figure out what to do with my life for the last 3 months, now, I get another 3 months to do the same- but I think with LTD I at least get a little bit of money- sure in a few weeks my position is no longer protected, but that is okay, because let's face it- I wasn't going to be able to go back to the NICU when released from medical leave any way- I was just fooling myself thinking that. I don't even know if I am going to be able to back into nursing- I have never felt this unsure about my future or this sure about having a complete breakdown- but the last time I mentioned that to my dear sweet husband he couldn't handle it so he called my best friend- rather than just sit down and talk to me about which is what I really needed him to do at that point in time- he called someone else to talk to me. 
Right now is one of those times I wished I  lived in a different time where either they got rid of those that were imperfect or they sent them far away so that the public didn't have to be bothered by their imperfections- because right now I feeling like I am just a huge burden to my friends and family- I am using all the money that could be going to towards anything else- but no have to pay for my meds or doc visits and now we are adding on one more doc and I am sure lots more meds. Now I am most likely going to lose my job- so there goes my benefits- here comes higher than hell priced COBRA with no income- this should be fun- but then hubby says the most bizarre thing- I still am not sure how to take it even after having a night to think about it- at least we don't have to worry about kids getting sick- was that supposed to make me feel better? I know in his mind it was but really- all it did was remind me- yeah, we don't have to worry about that because my body won't cooperate in that area and we lose them after a few weeks. 
Damn that shrink is going to love me aren't they?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Its Life Jim, But Definitely Not As I Planned It

Okay, I am not the 'trekkie' in my home- that would be my husband- and even he isn't what would be considered a true 'trekkie'- but well the song can be used for many different aspect in ones life. If you know anything about 'Star Trek' if you weren't a main character and you got stuck wearing a red shirt in almost every classic episode you were sure to be the one that died. I guess you could say that my uterus, my eggs, my reproductive tract must be a sideline character wearing a red shirt caught in a classic 'Star Trek' episode.

From the time we (girls) are very young we are groomed for what we are supposed to do or be when we grow up. We are given baby dolls and told what 'good little mommies' we are when we rock them, feed them, change them, etc. I still have my collection of baby dolls- that was one of things that I knew I wanted in my 'grown up' life, I wanted to be a mom- when I first got the chance to start babysitting I jumped at the chance, when I got my first job it was taking care of an 18 month old every Friday and Saturday night, then I would also take care of her on Sundays because I also worked 9th grade through my Senior year at my church's nursery- I loved being around babies! Everyone always told me how great a mom I was going to be when grew up.

In Junior High we had a home ec class that I took for pretty one reason- we were going to have egg baby's during the course- I couldn't wait- I loved it- the point of the course was to teach us parenting skills and that being a parent at our ages really wasn't all that fun- it was a lot of work even it was just an egg- but again I was told by my instructor and many others that I was going to be a great parent one day.

Then in High School I took a course that was my favorite- we actually had preschoolers come in and we had to design activities and classes for them- their are pictures in my senior year book of me playing with them- I loved when it was class day with the kids- spending time with them was amazing. Also during High School we had the section where we had the flour sack babies- I went further (as did several of my other classmates) and I had a life-size baby doll that was filled with lead weights- I made birth announcements, had a crib in my room, everything- I took this course of the class very serious- my 'baby' went out to dinner with my family, to sunday school- freaked many of the blue hairs (she was life-size after all and wearing actual baby clothes) that several came up to me with horrified looks that I had fallen into 'that' crowd- I was not going to go to college- then they realized it was a doll and a school project- but then came the comments- one day I will be the perfect mom.

I became a nanny for two beautiful little boys for almost a year and a half before I got married- I loved it and dreamed about having my own children in the next couple of years. My favorite memories of being a nanny were in the being days (one of my sweet boys was a micropreemie and spent 95 days in the NICU, so I had his cousin by himself for about 2 1/2 months) where when it was hot and humid and we would sit outside on the porch reading and the sweet heart would fall asleep on my chest- I loved nap time when he was that little about 4 months old- watching him sleep- thinking how perfect he was, how lucky his parents where. When I would watch them at night I could spend hours just watching the boys sleep; listening to them breathe and sigh. Then I would dream of how life would be some day when I had children of my own one day.

Well, now life is life but definitely not as I had ever planned it- from every baby doll I have ever cuddled, every child that I have ever cared for, every adults comment about what a wonderful parent I would be- where did I do wrong- who did I piss off- what did I step on- why does my body not understand what it is supposed to do as a female?!

'Boldly going forward 'cause we can't find reverse.' Translation: Boldy going forward (Forced to face the future) 'cause we can't take back those thoughts (that we have plenty of time, we can wait until this is done, we can afford to have a baby, etc.) 'cause there just ain't a reverse for infertility.

'Lt. Uhura, report.There's Klingons on the starboard bow, [...] Jim.' Translation: I am sorry to report, there's endometriosis and scar tissue, (insert issue here) in the reproductive tract.

'Analysis, Mr. Spock. It's life, Jim, but not as we know it, [...]not as we know it, Captain.' Translation: Is there really one needed?

'Medical update, Dr. McCoy. It's worse than that, [...], Jim; [...]' Translation: That dreaded but come to be expected phone call from the RE, MD, or nurse after we have already caved and POAS and seen the BFN.

'Starship Captain, James T. Kirk:Ah! We come in peace, shoot to kill, [...];we come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, men.' Translation: What I believe my eggs say to my husband's sperm. Or for some of us I guess it could be the other way around.

'Star Trekkin' across the universe,Boldly going forward, and things are getting worse! Engine room, Mr. Scott:Ye cannae change the laws of physics, [...], Jim.' Translation: Try as we might somehow the laws of physics are against us.

'Ye cannae change the scripting, Och, see you, Jimmy!It's worse than that, it's physics, Jim. Bridge to engine room, warp factor 9. Och, if I give it any more she'll blow, Cap'n! Red Alert Red [...]Boldly going forward, still can't find reverse.' Translation: How much can we take physically or mentally before all the medical and science interference, timed intercourse, temping, charting, medicaiton, etc, drives us completely insane- we can't change what biology gave us sometimes no matter how much money or how hard we try we can't change the script of life; and the harder that we try, they longer that we try, sometimes I think our brains go into Red Alert because if we give it any more we'll blow- 'cause there just ain't a reverse for infertility.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Boadicea's back to normal...well pretty much

Just checked the fluffy one's temp- it is down to 102.2 F, so if it is the same as the temp difference last night (early this morning) with the mercury thermometer at the vet's office then it is actually 101.9 F! I am so very, very happy- and exhausted- so now after I call the vet to update him on the decrease of temp, the fact that she is eating and looking around for breakfast- yes, I think she feels better- I am now going to take a nap- I have nothing to do until 4 pm today. Hubby is up, he slept he can watch the children now- that is how this works right?!

Who says I am not a parent....kiss my.....

Okay, I now officially can say that I have called an on-call physician in the middle of the night for something that had nothing to do with being a nurse!

Saturday hubby and I took the furry children to the vet for the annual torture of vaccinations- why is the annual torture- well about 3 years ago our older cat Anu (she will be 9 in September) had a bad reaction to her vaccines- so now she gets her vaccinations split up over a couple of weeks- well we have been bad parents and she got a little behind- well a lot behind- lots of excuses, none really that great- should have had her in a long time ago- but anyway, we are getting her taken care of now.

So she got her rabies yesterday and will be getting the other 3 over the next 3 Saturdays- then I feel really bad- no we don't brush the rugrats teeth- they get tarter control treats- dry food, etc. to keep their teeth in good shape, or so I thought- a few weeks ago Anu started getting picky about the treats (yes our children are very spoiled) she would eat- used to be she would eat whatever was but in front of her- she didn't want the crunchy treats- this wouldn't have been so bad except that our other child Boadicea(will be 3 next month) or Bo for short will ONLY eat crunchy treats- and then only certain treats at that- yes I have picky eaters- they both eat the same wet foods for breakfast and the same dry food throughout the day (again, my children are spoiled). Anyway, yes it did cross my mind that Anu's teeth might be bothering her, but she was still eating the dry food- so I thought 'no that can't be it- she must be getting picky like her sister' then last week she suddenly started eating the dry treats again- so I am thinking everything is fine- NOT! At the vet's this morning we find out that Anu's teeth are horrible! The vet barely touched her gums and they start to bleed- you can barely see the back teeth because the gums are so swollen- their are the beginnings of abscesses on the top portion of her gums- I feel like a horrible neglectful Mom! :( So Anu is scheduled to have a thorough teeth cleaning on May 6th- that is the soonest they could get her in for that- and trust me it is going to be too soon for Anu- she is not going to be happy- she is going to be pissed! We have to take her food away the night before-that is what is going to tick her off- Anu is not a petite little kitty- she is a nice plump princess- her weight yesterday was 14 lbs 7 oz- we have tried the diet thing- she does run around (or rather is chased around the house by her sister) but to no avail- she has at least maintained her weight- she has been between 13 and 14 for the last 3 to 4 years- she is going to be 10 years old next year- I say let her be plump and happy- she is healthy otherwise and will have clean teeth in a few weeks and will just love the new routine that we will be starting of brushing the kitties teeth 1-2 x a week after she heals from her cleaning- Dad trims the claws (neither cat will sit still for me to do it- and I admit that I am terrified that I will cut the claw to short and hurt them) so I will do the teeth and he will do the feet.

So, back to calling the physician in the middle of the night- after bringing the furry ones home from the shot adventure- Anu was acting fine- Bo on the other hand was acting completely traumatized by the whole ordeal- she ran outside and basically hugged the patio until she realized we weren't going to be taking her anywhere else (We used to take them with us over to my parents for family dinner on the weekends- but that has even stressed her out lately). So she comes in the house and immediately runs under our bed to hide- finally at around 9 pm I asked hubby if he had seen Bo recently- he answers 'No' but doesn't seem to concerned about it- I of course realize that I haven't seen her either- I have done my usual thing lately and have been asleep for most of the afternoon and have just been awake since 8 pm- I figured that if something was not right he would noticed and woke me up- WHATEVER- anyway we go looking for the furry one and she is still under the bed where she has been for the last 10 or so hours! So no fluids, no output nothing all day- not good! So we get her out from under the bed, she of course freaks out runs outside- now we have to coax her back inside- so after about 15-20 minutes of stressing her out further we get her back in the house, she looked like she just didn't feel good. I offered her some treats- she didn't want them- I put fresh water in their bowl and I poured her a cup of water (Bo loves to drink water, ice tea, milk and apple juice out of MY cups- not hubby's- just mine- again, our furry children are very spoiled) and she didn't want to have anything to do with either of them. So I laid her down in my lap so that she could get to the cup and she walked down to the foot of the couch and curled up by my legs and went to sleep. At about 12:30 am hubby comes over and checks on the monster and her ears on really hot- she is still lethargic and really, really sleepy- now I am even more nervous. Is she having a reaction like Anu did- is something else going on- why is this happening again?!
So I start googling pet health, cat fevers, etc. to see what if anything I can find to do at home or if I do need to take her to the vet- if I am freaking out (as usual) for nothing- human children react to vaccines- that is why we give them tylenol or advil- we just can't do that for cats- dammit there should be something that I can do- there just should be! So anyway I find this great website called '' for a nominal fee I got to talk to (yes in real time at 2 am) an expert to get advice about my baby- ultimately I checked Bo's temp- the only thermometer that I have is the basal one- oh well, not using it any more for that reason any way- Bo had a temp of 106.1 F!
So time to call the on-call vet at 2:15 am - luckily it was the same vet that had seen her and given her the vaccines 14 hours earlier, so he remembered who she was- and he sounded very awake, more so than many other physicians that I have called at that time- and he was much nicer too. So off to the vet we go in the middle of the night to get medication/treatment for the cat. Vet met us at the clinic which happens to be very near the hospital we also use- temp with a regulation thermometer (need to get one of those for kitty first aid kit) was 105.8 F! Lungs were clear, ears still good, eyes clear- so vet believes that fever and general ickies are just from the vaccines- since she was recently so sick (February) her immune system is just still a little out of whack and is reacting or over-reacting to the vaccines. So he gave fluffy some oral meds for the fever and the aches (sounds kind of like a pain reliever type med like tylenol or advil- something along those lines), I get to re-check her temp around 7 or 8 this morning and give the vet a call to update him on the progress- hopefully Bo's temp will be coming down, or we get to go back for more meds and possibly an injectable anti-inflammatory for the reaction- then she will be even more traumatized and upset with me than she is currently is- I just hope this time she uses the litter box- last time she was not feeling well she peed where ever she currently was sitting or laying- usually on my lap (on a blanket) I did so much laundry those 2 weeks and I still can't get the smell out of the couch- so now the joke is we have a pee couch- I have used everything- PetGold, Febreeze, Resolve, some new product that is supposedly for pet odors- the couch still smells like pee- or at least I think it does- no one else has said anything, so either I am smelling things (and I really am that neurotic) or people are being nice and ignoring it- I don't know- I am trying to do the ignoring part of it.
So, see, we are doing just dandy without human children- we have our hands full with the two four-legged furry girls that we already have.
  • They wake us up promptly at 8 am every morning for breakfast- don't need alarm clocks.
  • They remind us when we haven't eaten- because that means that they haven't had any treats in awhile.
  • They keep us company in the bathroom, whether we are using the toilet, the shower, or the sink- they supervise to make sure it is all done correctly.
  • They comfort us when we are sad- they just know when we are sick or had a bad day- a kitty kiss or cuddle does make a lot of stuff better.
  • They get cranky when they haven't had a nap.
  • They fight with one another for attention- yes our cats have sibling rivalry.
  • They cost just as much or more than human children between food, treats, litter, toys, bedding, vet insurance is looking better and better all the time.
  • They have just as many toys that we are continuously tripping over.
  • They usually have more fun with the wrapping paper, tags, or the box than the toy itself.
  • They talk back, cry and whine, argue- you name it they do it.

So, hubby and I may be human childless- but we aren't 'childless' we have two beautiful girls- Anu, Daddy's Girl, is a gorgeous grey tiger stripe short hair that loves to burrow and cuddle- especially when dad is working on the computer or paying attention to me- she gets a little jealous when the attention isn't all on her. Boadicea, My Love bug, is a beautiful tortoise shell long hair that loves to be anywhere that I am- she has a bit of separation anxiety- but she is just so cute and fluffy and cuddly that I usually don't mind have her climb all over me. She knows when I am feeling down and need a hug- and she loves to play- at times we think she may have a bit of ADD- but that's okay by me.

Well, hopefully she is somewhere sleeping with her temp going down- I can't sleep- but hey it is almost 6 am, what is the point now- it will soon be time to get up and get moving for the day- and I believe my love bug has awakened and is actually eating!!! Yeah- hopefully when I check her temp in a couple of hours it will be much better. Then I can get some sleep. ;)

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Depeche Mode wasn't kidding

Depeche Mode sure knew what they were talking about when they wrote their 1989 song:
'Blasphemous Rumours'
Girl of sixteen, whole life ahead of her
Slashed her wrists, bored with life
Didnt succeed, thank the lord
For small mercies
Fighting back the tears, mother reads the note again
Sixteen candles burn in her mind
She takes the blame, its always the same
She goes down on her knees and prays
I dont want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that gods got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find him laughing
Girl of eighteen, fell in love with everything
Found new life in jesus christ
Hit by a car, ended upOn a life support machine
Summers day, as she passed away
Birds were singing in the summer sky
Then came the rain, and once again
A tear fell from her mothers eye
I dont want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that gods got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find him laughing
No, I don't believe or practice organized religion- I haven't done so in many years, many years. My husband thinks it all came to a head after September 11th- I keep trying to tell him that it was well before that- that just kind of 'answered' the final question for me- where was this all loving god that I had been brought up to believe was always watching over me- was always there to protect me- was always there to keep me safe?!
A friend of mine who just happened to be a theology/philosophy major- yeah I know a little ironic- wrote her I not quite a thesis because she was going for her masters- but a final paper for her theology class shortly after 9/11 and after a 13 week miscarriage. The paper was titled if I remember correctly 'The Theology of God' in this paper she asked a basic question that many people have asked- I have asked it, my husband has asked it- and I know that it would be one of those questions that my friend and I would be yet again banned from our former youth group for asking or even consider asking. The question is basically this:
Pick Two. Pick two of the traits that we have all been taught to believe, from as early as I can remember up until now, Two of Three Traits of God- Pick Two- All Loving, All Knowing, All Powerful- Pick Just Two to answer or justify any of life's current events- think about it for just a moment. I don't do this to offend anyone, I do this for the same reason that she did- from a very, very early age I was read beautiful stories from an old book that I was told to just believe- yet I was also read wonderful stories from other old books that I was told were just stories- made up for the pure amusement of children and adults alike. How was I to know which ones where true and which ones where just stories- fairy tales? Because someone told me to believe? That didn't sound quite right- because also from a very early age- my grandparents, who were very strong within the church, taught me something else- ask questions, don't believe something just because you were told to believe it- research it for yourself- yes you have to have faith in some things that you cannot see- but don't believe just because someone told you it is so- otherwise I would have believed that (actually I did- until I proved them wrong- painfully on my part I might add) just by saying a few words that the electric fence behind our house would 'magically' not shock me- well guess what- upon grabbing the wire with both hands- I got a huge shock.
In my support group some of the women find comfort and justification in the loss of their pregnancies or the stillbirths of their babies by believing that god needed another angel in heaven more so than they needed a baby- so he took their child away from them- if that makes them feel better- so be it- I am sorry, I find that reason to be selfish on 'gods' part myself- I have been trying for a very long time, have gone through much pain but physical and psychological to get pregnant and then loose my baby because someone selfishly 'needed' them more than my husband or I did- I am sorry not working for me- not helping my depression, my anxiety, or my anger- not helping my broken heart.
So, again, when I think of organized religion- it just doesn't seem to organized to begin with- sometimes I don't think they are too sure they know what they believe exactly- they just want to have faith that what they have been believing all of their lives, these stories that they have been reading aren't fairy tales- yes I know that sometimes you do have to have faith in things that you cannot see- but when you have to question if that something really cares or not- well that just doesn't fly with me- yes that old book does have some nice stories, but when I have a question that can't be answered- and it is a legitimate question I shouldn't be chased away and labeled a trouble maker that is going to corrupt the others- if people really truly believe then they shouldn't be that afraid of a child asking a simple question- or maybe it is because they have that same question themselves and they are just too afraid to ask it because as a Pastor they should just believe what is written.
But again- I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors- but I do believe someone has a twisted sense of humor- and in my beliefs I don't believe in Hell or Satan- so I guess that leaves only one other person.

Monday, April 7, 2008

I am so confused right now. I don't know how to feel, one minute I am totally depressed and feel like I am ready to have a complete breakdown- then I feel sort of okay the next- still depressed but not completely lost.
I have been off of work for almost 3 months now, my long term disabilty will be kicking in in a few weeks, so at least I will get some kind of a 'paycheck' for a few weeks because here is the kicker- if I don't return to work by May 10th which is just a few weeks after LTD kicks in I loose my job because my 12 weeks of FMLA will have run out. Then I guess that we will have to figure out how to pay for COBRA until I find something that I am able to do safely.
My husband keeps telling me how horrible it makes him feel that I am walking away from nursing- I am walking away from my dream, from the degree that worked my ass off to get- the degree that I about killed myself to get. I guess that is also where I am confused- I don't care that I am walking away from it- the only thing that I miss right now are my coworkers- I don't want to go back to the trauma and drama that goes with my job. I don't want to see the hurt, the death, any of it. Maybe when I start seeing the shrink I will feel better- who knows.