Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Depeche Mode wasn't kidding

Depeche Mode sure knew what they were talking about when they wrote their 1989 song:
'Blasphemous Rumours'
Girl of sixteen, whole life ahead of her
Slashed her wrists, bored with life
Didnt succeed, thank the lord
For small mercies
Fighting back the tears, mother reads the note again
Sixteen candles burn in her mind
She takes the blame, its always the same
She goes down on her knees and prays
I dont want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that gods got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find him laughing
Girl of eighteen, fell in love with everything
Found new life in jesus christ
Hit by a car, ended upOn a life support machine
Summers day, as she passed away
Birds were singing in the summer sky
Then came the rain, and once again
A tear fell from her mothers eye
I dont want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that gods got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find him laughing
No, I don't believe or practice organized religion- I haven't done so in many years, many years. My husband thinks it all came to a head after September 11th- I keep trying to tell him that it was well before that- that just kind of 'answered' the final question for me- where was this all loving god that I had been brought up to believe was always watching over me- was always there to protect me- was always there to keep me safe?!
A friend of mine who just happened to be a theology/philosophy major- yeah I know a little ironic- wrote her I not quite a thesis because she was going for her masters- but a final paper for her theology class shortly after 9/11 and after a 13 week miscarriage. The paper was titled if I remember correctly 'The Theology of God' in this paper she asked a basic question that many people have asked- I have asked it, my husband has asked it- and I know that it would be one of those questions that my friend and I would be yet again banned from our former youth group for asking or even consider asking. The question is basically this:
Pick Two. Pick two of the traits that we have all been taught to believe, from as early as I can remember up until now, Two of Three Traits of God- Pick Two- All Loving, All Knowing, All Powerful- Pick Just Two to answer or justify any of life's current events- think about it for just a moment. I don't do this to offend anyone, I do this for the same reason that she did- from a very, very early age I was read beautiful stories from an old book that I was told to just believe- yet I was also read wonderful stories from other old books that I was told were just stories- made up for the pure amusement of children and adults alike. How was I to know which ones where true and which ones where just stories- fairy tales? Because someone told me to believe? That didn't sound quite right- because also from a very early age- my grandparents, who were very strong within the church, taught me something else- ask questions, don't believe something just because you were told to believe it- research it for yourself- yes you have to have faith in some things that you cannot see- but don't believe just because someone told you it is so- otherwise I would have believed that (actually I did- until I proved them wrong- painfully on my part I might add) just by saying a few words that the electric fence behind our house would 'magically' not shock me- well guess what- upon grabbing the wire with both hands- I got a huge shock.
In my support group some of the women find comfort and justification in the loss of their pregnancies or the stillbirths of their babies by believing that god needed another angel in heaven more so than they needed a baby- so he took their child away from them- if that makes them feel better- so be it- I am sorry, I find that reason to be selfish on 'gods' part myself- I have been trying for a very long time, have gone through much pain but physical and psychological to get pregnant and then loose my baby because someone selfishly 'needed' them more than my husband or I did- I am sorry not working for me- not helping my depression, my anxiety, or my anger- not helping my broken heart.
So, again, when I think of organized religion- it just doesn't seem to organized to begin with- sometimes I don't think they are too sure they know what they believe exactly- they just want to have faith that what they have been believing all of their lives, these stories that they have been reading aren't fairy tales- yes I know that sometimes you do have to have faith in things that you cannot see- but when you have to question if that something really cares or not- well that just doesn't fly with me- yes that old book does have some nice stories, but when I have a question that can't be answered- and it is a legitimate question I shouldn't be chased away and labeled a trouble maker that is going to corrupt the others- if people really truly believe then they shouldn't be that afraid of a child asking a simple question- or maybe it is because they have that same question themselves and they are just too afraid to ask it because as a Pastor they should just believe what is written.
But again- I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors- but I do believe someone has a twisted sense of humor- and in my beliefs I don't believe in Hell or Satan- so I guess that leaves only one other person.

1 comment:

Irish Girl said...

I hear the phrase "God has a plan" quite often from people who try to make me feel better about why I'm infertile. Drives me nuts. I wish I had the nerve to respond with something about how surely God would prefer a crack whore be a mother before me. Surely that is part of his plan ... right along with the mothers who throw their babies in a dumpster. Grrr.

Yeah. So I'm with you on the organized religion thing. Fine if it works for others but it doesn't do anything for me.