Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Its Life Jim, But Definitely Not As I Planned It

Okay, I am not the 'trekkie' in my home- that would be my husband- and even he isn't what would be considered a true 'trekkie'- but well the song can be used for many different aspect in ones life. If you know anything about 'Star Trek' if you weren't a main character and you got stuck wearing a red shirt in almost every classic episode you were sure to be the one that died. I guess you could say that my uterus, my eggs, my reproductive tract must be a sideline character wearing a red shirt caught in a classic 'Star Trek' episode.

From the time we (girls) are very young we are groomed for what we are supposed to do or be when we grow up. We are given baby dolls and told what 'good little mommies' we are when we rock them, feed them, change them, etc. I still have my collection of baby dolls- that was one of things that I knew I wanted in my 'grown up' life, I wanted to be a mom- when I first got the chance to start babysitting I jumped at the chance, when I got my first job it was taking care of an 18 month old every Friday and Saturday night, then I would also take care of her on Sundays because I also worked 9th grade through my Senior year at my church's nursery- I loved being around babies! Everyone always told me how great a mom I was going to be when grew up.

In Junior High we had a home ec class that I took for pretty one reason- we were going to have egg baby's during the course- I couldn't wait- I loved it- the point of the course was to teach us parenting skills and that being a parent at our ages really wasn't all that fun- it was a lot of work even it was just an egg- but again I was told by my instructor and many others that I was going to be a great parent one day.

Then in High School I took a course that was my favorite- we actually had preschoolers come in and we had to design activities and classes for them- their are pictures in my senior year book of me playing with them- I loved when it was class day with the kids- spending time with them was amazing. Also during High School we had the section where we had the flour sack babies- I went further (as did several of my other classmates) and I had a life-size baby doll that was filled with lead weights- I made birth announcements, had a crib in my room, everything- I took this course of the class very serious- my 'baby' went out to dinner with my family, to sunday school- freaked many of the blue hairs (she was life-size after all and wearing actual baby clothes) that several came up to me with horrified looks that I had fallen into 'that' crowd- I was not going to go to college- then they realized it was a doll and a school project- but then came the comments- one day I will be the perfect mom.

I became a nanny for two beautiful little boys for almost a year and a half before I got married- I loved it and dreamed about having my own children in the next couple of years. My favorite memories of being a nanny were in the being days (one of my sweet boys was a micropreemie and spent 95 days in the NICU, so I had his cousin by himself for about 2 1/2 months) where when it was hot and humid and we would sit outside on the porch reading and the sweet heart would fall asleep on my chest- I loved nap time when he was that little about 4 months old- watching him sleep- thinking how perfect he was, how lucky his parents where. When I would watch them at night I could spend hours just watching the boys sleep; listening to them breathe and sigh. Then I would dream of how life would be some day when I had children of my own one day.

Well, now life is life but definitely not as I had ever planned it- from every baby doll I have ever cuddled, every child that I have ever cared for, every adults comment about what a wonderful parent I would be- where did I do wrong- who did I piss off- what did I step on- why does my body not understand what it is supposed to do as a female?!

'Boldly going forward 'cause we can't find reverse.' Translation: Boldy going forward (Forced to face the future) 'cause we can't take back those thoughts (that we have plenty of time, we can wait until this is done, we can afford to have a baby, etc.) 'cause there just ain't a reverse for infertility.

'Lt. Uhura, report.There's Klingons on the starboard bow, [...] Jim.' Translation: I am sorry to report, there's endometriosis and scar tissue, (insert issue here) in the reproductive tract.

'Analysis, Mr. Spock. It's life, Jim, but not as we know it, [...]not as we know it, Captain.' Translation: Is there really one needed?

'Medical update, Dr. McCoy. It's worse than that, [...], Jim; [...]' Translation: That dreaded but come to be expected phone call from the RE, MD, or nurse after we have already caved and POAS and seen the BFN.

'Starship Captain, James T. Kirk:Ah! We come in peace, shoot to kill, [...];we come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, men.' Translation: What I believe my eggs say to my husband's sperm. Or for some of us I guess it could be the other way around.

'Star Trekkin' across the universe,Boldly going forward, and things are getting worse! Engine room, Mr. Scott:Ye cannae change the laws of physics, [...], Jim.' Translation: Try as we might somehow the laws of physics are against us.

'Ye cannae change the scripting, Och, see you, Jimmy!It's worse than that, it's physics, Jim. Bridge to engine room, warp factor 9. Och, if I give it any more she'll blow, Cap'n! Red Alert Red [...]Boldly going forward, still can't find reverse.' Translation: How much can we take physically or mentally before all the medical and science interference, timed intercourse, temping, charting, medicaiton, etc, drives us completely insane- we can't change what biology gave us sometimes no matter how much money or how hard we try we can't change the script of life; and the harder that we try, they longer that we try, sometimes I think our brains go into Red Alert because if we give it any more we'll blow- 'cause there just ain't a reverse for infertility.

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