Monday, April 7, 2008

I am so confused right now. I don't know how to feel, one minute I am totally depressed and feel like I am ready to have a complete breakdown- then I feel sort of okay the next- still depressed but not completely lost.
I have been off of work for almost 3 months now, my long term disabilty will be kicking in in a few weeks, so at least I will get some kind of a 'paycheck' for a few weeks because here is the kicker- if I don't return to work by May 10th which is just a few weeks after LTD kicks in I loose my job because my 12 weeks of FMLA will have run out. Then I guess that we will have to figure out how to pay for COBRA until I find something that I am able to do safely.
My husband keeps telling me how horrible it makes him feel that I am walking away from nursing- I am walking away from my dream, from the degree that worked my ass off to get- the degree that I about killed myself to get. I guess that is also where I am confused- I don't care that I am walking away from it- the only thing that I miss right now are my coworkers- I don't want to go back to the trauma and drama that goes with my job. I don't want to see the hurt, the death, any of it. Maybe when I start seeing the shrink I will feel better- who knows.

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