Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Well my doctor's office finally got back with me regarding an estimate for a procedure that I need to have done. Part of the procedure will not be covered by my insurance until 2011, which really isn't a big deal as I wasn't planning to have the procedure done until after the 1st of the year. So now we have the estimate and it is really a lot less than I thought that it was going to be- now it is getting up the courage to do it. The procedure is one that I need to have done, we have talked about with my doctor for over a year and when I had my last issue with the cyst and the ER we again discussed it. The problem is that this procedure will in a sense throw me into surgical menopause which will also render me completely infertile. When we first discussed the procedure it seemed like something that would be so far away that I really didn't think about the repercussions of having this done- I really thought about when a few months ago we were in the office having another ultrasound and my doctor asked what our plans for trying for a family was for the next 1, 2, or 3 years were- I reluctantly and tearfully answered that we were done trying. He sat down with us and explained what needed to be done in order to stop the cysts, take care of the endometriosis and the painful, heavy cycles- but in doing so we will be completely ending any chance of having a family in the future.
Knowing all of this it has taken me 3-4 months to finally call the office to get the financial information. They wanted to know if I wanted to set up a pre-op appointment and of course I backed out of this telling them I will call them after the first of the year to schedule an appointment. Richard wants me to know that he fully supports whatever decision I make- he just wants me to get with all of my girlfriends and let them know what is going on so that they can be there to support me. He is afraid that I am going to have this procedure done and then have a complete breakdown- which is a possibility- I don't want this to happen but it isn't always something I can control and this is taking a lot of control away. In my head and even to an extent in my heart- I know that we are done trying for a family- both now and in the future- but it scares me to know that this will be permanent and final.
The other problem is my coumadin- I have to go off of it prior to surgery and the last time we checked on going off of it for a procedure it was a great big process because I am on it to prevent blood clots- for that reason I guess I can't just go off of it for a few days prior to the procedure, no, I have to go back on the Lovenox(subQ injections) then stop the coumadin, stop the Lovenox the day prior to the procedure then re-start the Lovenox and the coumadin after the procedure then I am on the Lovenox until my coumadin levels are back to therapeutic levels- which this last time I re-started the coumadin it has taken over 6 months to finally get it back to therapeutic levels- where we have stayed for the last 4 months or so.
I guess my counselor and I will have a lot to talk about when I see her again on the 5th and then I see my psych the following week- so I guess I make my pre-op for the middle of January. Merry Christmas...
Monday, December 20, 2010
Yesterday was the 2nd Angelversary for Olivia Grace- I hate that the memories of 2 years ago are still so vivid and clear. To an extent I am happy that I have memories of her but then I also wish that they maybe weren't so present. We had our annual Yule gathering at Kris and Kim's house- a few people made comments that they knew the day was difficult for me and that they were thinking of us. My family also had their get together last night- we went to the gathering for Circle as it had been planned in November- my parents understood and agreed with our decision, I don't know how the rest of my family felt- probably won't find out either which is fine. I am actually glad that we weren't with the family gathering as all four of what I guess would be considered the great-grandkids were there- Alden is I believe 7, his sister Amelia will be 6 at the end of the month- Riley is 17 months and the newest member Layton is just over 2 months old. I am fine with Alden and Amelia- Riley is the one that I have trouble with as our last baby would have been a month younger than Riley- and I have never met Layton, so I don't know how I will react to him. When his mother announced that she was expecting and my Aunt also very enthusiastically announced that she was going to be Grandmother- I didn't handle myself as well as I would have liked too, but the announcement was also made as we were all gathering to go to the church for my Uncle's funeral. I pretty much avoided her during her pregnancy, which really wasn't that difficult actually as for whatever reason we really don't have a relationship.
Anyway, we got our tree up (a few weeks ago), Richard put the lights on it and told me that it was my turn- well I finally got up the courage, energy, whatever you want to call it and we decorated the tree and the living room last Saturday. It does look pretty, I am glad that it is done. We also put out a few extra decorations that we have never used- about 10 years ago while on a trip to McCall we picked up a very cute Boyd's Bear's porcelain cookie plate and mug set- for Santa. We picked it out as something to put away- I had always tried not to buy anything that would be for children as I felt that it was bad luck to have it in the house. We decided to go ahead and get it as we decided that if we didn't get it now it probably wouldn't be available when we did have children. It has been wrapped in tissue paper and the bag from the store it was purchased from and stored in various different places over the years- sometime recently it was moved to my china cabinet where I also store my nice cookie sheets- Sunday (yesterday) when I went to get the cookie sheets I found the bag and unwrapped everything and lost it- Richard was out shoveling snow, so I brought the plate and mug out and placed it on a table decorated with family photos and special crocheted ornaments and decorations made by Richard's Grandma Rutha.
So far everything had been going okay until I was getting ready for our get together last night and had problems with my shoes, my skirt and a few other things and I had a huge panic attack, which I haven't done in a while. Richard helped calm me down and we went to the party and had a very nice time with our friends.
I found out this morning that we have been invited for Christmas Eve to my Aunt and Uncle's house- I don't know if any of their boys will be there- for the last few years that we have gotten together for Christmas Eve they have been elsewhere- so we'll see this year- it may be the first time I meet/see the new baby.
Still have to got Christmas shopping- hoping to do that tomorrow or Wednesday- yeah I know, nothing like waiting until the last minute- oh, well.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
I had my weekly visit with my counselor, she is very caring and kind. Our project this month is to get me through the month. We came up with several activities to do starting this weekend and lasting over the next several weeks. Part of this activity is to help get me through December/the holidays and part of it is to make sure that I am getting out of the house. Richard and I attempted to do one these activities last weekend- my parents gave us 2 passes for the Thundermountain Line- which the weekend after Thanksgiving and throughout December went from being a basic train ride 'The Horseshoe Bend Express' to 'The North Pole Express' complete with decorations, stories with Mrs. Claus, Christmas carols, milk and cookies and the finale a visit to the North Pole to have pictures taken with Santa Clause. We had planned on going the weekend of Thanksgiving, but we had our first storm that weekend making roads rough and go figure- I had a migraine and really didn't want to spend the next 3.5 hours on a train full of families and then by driving the new vehicle on icy roads in the dark to get home. Any way the lady that I talked to for the train said that cancellation wouldn't be a problem due to the weather and the fact that they are gift certificates- we just have to use them by the end of the year. So that is my project tomorrow- schedule our train trip hopefully this weekend- definitely will be one way to face my fears- be loaded on a train full of families and commercialized Christmas. I am trying to look at as wonderful time spent with Richard while seeing a beautiful part of Idaho covered in snow. Just hoping for decent weather for the trip there and back- get to see how the new truck handles on the mountain roads, so far it has been okay here in town- do have another storm slated for tomorrow, so we will see.
Still playing with the debate of whether or not to put up the tree. Last year was technically the first time we put it up- we did have the tree up in 2008 when we first bought it (yes, we have an artificial tree) we placed the new ornaments that we found (feathery angel wings) and personalized for our at the time 3 angels- when we lost Olivia a little over a week later we could no longer find the angels wings- so she doesn't have one. I have looked multiple places for the last 2 years and have not had any luck in finding them- we both really want to have all 4 with their own set of wings. Last year we put the tree up, Richard strung the lights and then it took me 2 weeks to decorate the tree. Right now I really don't want the tree and all the decorations out and Richard supports me in that decision- but I know that we wants the decorations- maybe not all of them- I do like having the tree up with the white twinkle lights and the kitties curled up underneath- it is pretty.
I don't know what we are doing as far as family get togethers. My Aunt that used to live in Oklahoma moved back here to Idaho in August really wants to get together with the entire family for Christmas
Saturday, October 9, 2010
For the last few years I haven't liked or enjoyed October. I feel as if I am in a losing battle with my emotions and who to talk about it. In the last few months several women that I had 'met' through my online support group for Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss have announced new pregnancies or have delivered happy beautiful healthy babies. I had a family member deliver a very beautiful boy on Thursday. I want so much to be happy for them, but I am finding it to be very difficult. Each birth reminds me of what I am never going to have in my life. I admit it, I am jealous of what these women have- about their happiness- the happiness of their families. Each birth reminds me that I am broken, that I can't fulfill one of my childhood dreams- I am never going to be a mother and then it just rolls down the hill picking up casualties along the way. Most of my family have no idea what Richard and I have been through in the last 5-6 years. Most of them have no idea that we DID try to have a family, that we DID succeed with 4 pregnancies, that we lost all 4 of those pregnancies. I can't get passed the heartbreak, the feeling of being broken and defective. I can't help but feel jealous when I see my parents with another family members baby and watch their eyes light up and see how happy they are with him- all the while knowing that I can't give them that- all of my mother's siblings are now grandparents- I can't bestow this title on my parents, just the same as I can't given my husband a child- I can't make him a Dad. I know that my emotions are running high this month as it is full of reminders of what happened to start this roller coaster to hell. I have no one to talk to about what I am feeling right now as I have been told that my friends don't want to hear about it anymore- I should have just move on already. My husband is even getting discouraged with me that I can't move on- it has been 5 years after all- get over it. That is the hard part- I can't just 'get over it' I don't want to forget the 4 precious lives that tried to be a part of our lives- I want to get to the point where I can be happy for friends and family- and not avoid them throughout their pregnancy and the birth of the baby. I want to be happy- not on the verge of tears when I think of what they are experiencing- it isn't their fault that I can't have a baby.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I don't know why this is happening all of a sudden...I have had episodes similar to this before but not so dramatic.
The last few weeks have been sprinkled with multiple manic days- more than I can count or remember. Now today I have slide all the way down into depression- I got upset because he fed the cats and I was going. He didn't know that I had planned on feeding the cats- it really shouldn't matter anyway- right? But now I feel completely useless because he fed the cats.
Today is one of the days that I hate my life.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Last week I started seeing a new therapist- she is very kind and patient. Today I met her dog who is also very kind and patient. We have been talking about grief and loss and trauma. Our or well okay, my goals are to be able to get past my grief and loss- stop feeling guilty about things that I have absolutely no control over and never will. She also brought up the idea of a type of memorial service for our Angels. This is something that I have never done for any of them- something that we have never done for various reasons. Richard and I said a few words when we placed the first three statues and their stepping stones the day we had our handfasting. I don't remember doing a whole lot of anything when we placed the last statue and stone. And when people ask about them- our next door neighbor made the comment 'Sara collects Angels' to which Richard basically said 'yes, she does'. More recently a group of people came to our home and a few of them made comments about the garden and statues that those must have been very important pets for you to keep it so well maintained and gone to so much trouble- Richard very carefully explained what the statues, stones, and garden really were and then the ladies felt a little guilty and told him how sorry they were for our losses.
Back to the memorial service- I talked to Richard on the way home from my session today- he said it was something I needed to talk to my circle sisters about- I told him that we also needed to talk about it as this is something we need to do together- they are after all OUR children, not just mine. Yes, granted, I am the one having the most difficulty saying 'goodbye' after almost 5 years for our first one and almost 2 years for our last. I want to be able to think of them and smile as I think about the brief time I had each of them with me. I want to smile and be genuinely happy for friends and family members when they announce a pregnancy. I want to be happy when the baby arrives and that baby makes my parents happy....I don't want to feel guilty that they have to receive their happiness elsewhere because I can't provide it. I would love to be able to include all of my family and friends in a memorial service- but considering many of them never knew that we were ever pregnant let alone lost said pregnancy- I don't want them to be uncomfortable- I just hate feeling like I am hiding this forbidden secret that must not be mentioned for fear of making someone uncomfortable. Then there are my parents, they understood in the beginning- well at least my mother did- she thoughtfully hung the ornament on the tree as she does every year- she would appear to be happy when we would find out that we were expecting, but didn't always seem to know how to treat me when I would then lose the pregnancy. My friends have all been similar...some would be very excited that we were pregnant- at least for the first few pregnancies- and others felt awkward- then when we would lose the pregnancy it seemed like the subject would be changed, so I stopped telling people when we were pregnant and the same thing when we lost the pregnancy I would be careful about who I mentioned it to.
So who do I have at a memorial service for four wonderful souls that did not get the chance to be? Do I do something with just Richard and I or can I include my friends- will they care or will they go along with everything to 'make' me feel better. I guess this is something that we are going to have to think about and decide what is best for us.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Today was the day that we all finally said 'Goodbye' to Solveig Lenhartzen also known as Gram. The services were simple and beautiful- many stories were told of her long adventurous life. Today she was surrounded by many members of her family and friends. She will be buried next to her beloved husband that passed away 16 years ago- I know she is resting now, no longer in pain, no longer suffering. I know that she is now at peace again surrounded by her loving family. Those of us left behind will carry her with us in our hearts- remembering her beautiful and contagious smile that lit up the room, we all will also cherish her lyrical little laugh. I feel so honored and blessed that her family shared her with me. She has such special soul that will be missed but never forgotten. Rest in peace Gram- you are finally home.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Our Little Peanut
You have been gone for four years and yet it sometimes feels like it was just yesterday.
We love you dearly with all of hearts and think of you often.
I know that one day we will all be together again, until then watch over us as I know you and your sisters do.
I hope you had a beautiful light show last night with all of the fireworks everywhere.
Mommy is trying to find ways to be happy and knows that you are not with us for a reason- and believe that reason was not because we didn't love you- because we did with all of our hearts.
Be safe little one- chase the butterflies and dragonflies and relax beneath the beautiful rainbows.
We will light your candle later today and think of you fondly.
I miss you my little Angel boy- you will forever be in my heart were you are safe and sound. I cherish the weeks we had with you- sleep well sweet prince. Love Always- Mommy and Daddy
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I don't know what it going on in my head lately I just feel like everything is too big to handle. My husband I know is probably attributing this to the fact that we have an anniversary coming up soon- but honestly that is not what is bothering me- I know that our sweet angel is in a better place, and that brings me comfort.
I don't know if it is that I am thinking too much of a dear friend and want to take away her pain and know that I can't.
I am just tired and want a break- but if I tell that to my family then I feel guilty, because what do I do that I need a break? I had hoped that once all this disability crap was finalized things would be easier- but they are just more stressful. I received a significant amount in back pay from the government, but it technically isn't mine- I have to give it all to the hospital I worked for to pay for the money that they have been giving to me the last two years. I am ready to just say have it all- just get it out of my life, but they are giving us a chance to pay off some bills with it a portion of it then we will give them the rest and they will just adjust what they will continue to pay me until October of next year. I hate that money causes so much stress. I feel like I am in a hole and the opening keeps getting further and further away.
We have done one camping event this year and will going on another in a few weeks- I just don't have the motivation to want to go- last trip I was medicated a majority of the time and don't want to be that way this time around- but my stupid headaches just won't let me be. I just a nice quiet and relaxing vacation somewhere other than here- but that just isn't in the budget now or any time in the future.
I feel guilty that I got the disability- and I don't know why- I just worked so hard to accomplish my dreams, and my dreams I guess were too big or something- I don't know- at times I feel like a failure and that I am just ruining the lives around me. I can't focus on anything- my family is struggling to keep it all together- I know that I am causing a significant amount of grief to my family and that was never my intention. I hate that when I think about how my life used to be it makes me panic. I hate that when I think about the future I panic. I know that life isn't easy for anybody- but why can't we get some kind of break- and then thinking that I feel selfish. I am feeling detached from people and don't like that, but I don't know what else to do.
Friday, June 25, 2010
I have officially been granted disability- I received my medicare card in the mail today. My husband and I meet with St. Luke's earlier today to discuss my back pay check that came from Social Security- they are going to let us pay off our overdue bills and then turn the rest of the money over to them- we have two weeks to get it all done. Now I have to find a secondary insurance to cover my medications and possibly sign up for food stamps. It is all a little overwhelming- I don't know if it is because we have waited so long for this happen or if it confirms all of my fears. I know that I should be relieved- but I am somewhat scared about the future and what it holds. I guess I just need to try to relax and let it happen.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Hopefully the end is coming quickly- Gram (Solvieg) is out of the hospital and is now at home with her family by her side. The endoscopy revealed a large ulcer in her small intestine which is what most likely has been causing her pain. It was decided to have a feeding tube placed and allow to her to return home to be with family with the goal to keep her as comfortable as possible. This has been very difficult for her family as one can imagine. Yes, Gram is 93 years old- but she still should not have to suffer like she is- my only hope for her and her family is that she is able to remain comfortable and to say goodbye without much difficulty. She is loved very much and has touched many lives- I feel very lucky to be able to say that I have had her in life.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
One of my dearest and closet friends- someone whom I have known for over 20 years- someone that I consider to be family, my sister- her Grandma who is 93 years old has been in the hospital since last week due to complications from a UTI. She has had continued abdominal pain and has had multiple tests to find out what is causing the pain- all have come back inconclusive; so tomorrow morning Gram while be having an endoscopy to see if that reveals any answers. I hate that she is having to go through all of this- I just hope that if this the beginning of the end that it goes quickly so that she may rejoin her beloved partner Arne. Keeping the entire family in my thoughts- Hang in there- I am sending positive and peaceful thoughts.
Well I got my letter from Social Security- they ruled in favor of me- which means they granted me my disability. I don't know yet what I will be receiving monthly- another department deals with that and they should be contacting me within the next 60 days. At which point I have to apply for medicare coverage, find a supplementary insurance to cover my medications- the up side to having medicare is that I should be able to see my counselor more than once a month- I hope anyway. May also look into the outpatient groups that my psychiatrist suggested several months ago- they may be covered as well. While all of this is good news, it is also kind of sad- it means that yes my nursing career is over. I worked so hard to get it in the first place and now after working as a nurse for only 4 1/2 years- I am done. So this is my life now- a little less stressful now that the decision has been made. But I have a feeling that it is going to be a long road ahead of us for a while.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Well I had my disability hearing on Tuesday- the gentleman representing me says it went well, I on the other hand didn't think it went that well. Either way we will find out the judge's decision in 30 to 90 days- the wait begins. The vocational expert came up with 3 jobs that I could possibly do- none of them have anything to do with nursing- they were all telephone operator based- no stress there. But she said I would likely be fired due to absenteeism- so on the other hand according to her I am unemployable due to that. So we will see.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Well we are back from Sun Valley- it was a long weekend. The funeral mass Saturday morning was beautiful. My Aunt if doing well, family is taking turns staying with her at the hotel and they will be deciding what to do with it in the near future.
It was sad being there and hearing Uncle Joe laughing at something. Their grandchildren are also dealing with everything ok- but I think as time goes by they will realize that he is not coming back.
Also found out that Chris' wife Sarah is pregnant- about 4 months. I am trying to be happy for her- but at the same time I am yet again disappointed. My parents are the only ones to not have a grandchild and that breaks my heart. I also met baby Riley for the first time- he was born the month before our last one was due. It was difficult to see what he is doing- playing, crawling, trying to pull up on chairs- everything that our child should also be doing. But as I coming to learn that is just life- and ours doesn't involve a living child.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Today I found out that my beloved Uncle Joe passed suddenly last night due to a massive stroke. He died in the hands of the flight team rushing him to a hospital in Boise. I cannot imagine what my Aunt is going through- she last saw him alive in a hospital ER then finds out that he did not survive the helicopter trip. We will be traveling to Sun Valley next weekend for the services. He leaves behind two sons and three grandchildren- youngest will never know their grandfather except through stories and pictures- the other two have spent much time with their grandfather and I know will miss him dearly. It saddens me that I will never hear voice, his laugh, or receive another warm hug from him. Although I had not seen him in quite awhile I thought of frequently- his strong and gentle soul will be missed.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Still having headaches and realizing that I am just going to have to live with them. Some days are ok- not necessarily good, but ok- tolerable; other days are absolute hell- especially when my pain meds don't do a dang thing- which is what seems to be happening lately.
I got my date for my disability hearing- May 11th at 1pm- I am nervous about what will happen. Working on getting paperwork finished from the attorneys so they can continue their work.
Dad is having a shoulder revision later this morning- a new surgeon, hospital, nursing staff-everything, but so far everyone that he has met have been very nice. I will be puppy sitting today and tomorrow- otherwise the dog tears up everything in her kennel.
Also had a new med added- Ativan for anxiety as the Xanax wasn't doing anything- so we'll give this a try and hope for the best.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Well the journey continues....a few days ago I spent 7 hours in the ER for yet another migraine- trust me it was a blast- NOT! Anyway, I am now (have been since Friday night) on a regimen called a Headache Cocktail- it is a combination of 3 different meds; an antihistamine, a steroid and a muscle relaxer. Yeah it is a fun combo- I am on this for a total of 5 days to kick this cycle of migraine- I see my pain specialist on Thursday. So this is my fun 'high' life until Wednesday.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Well in trying to conquer my increasing depression (my Lithium was decreased last month because that was thought to be the cause) my psychiatrist decided to go the opposite direction- my Lithium has been increased again- so instead of taking 450mg once a day I know will take 900mg total a day and get back with my MD in a week to see how things are going. I hate taking pills- the increase runs the fabulous risk of increasing my migraines, which I already have on a daily basis as it is- so how much worse can it get?
Monday, February 1, 2010
Just realized 10 days and it will be 3 years since we lost little mouse. I have been thinking about how our lives have changed over the last 5 years- dh and I had a talk and he thinks that I should be able to move on by now- get on with my life. Trust me I have tried very hard to 'move on' but to be honest it is hard when my heart is shattered. I want to be happy, I want to think about my life and be happy with what I have accomplished- I should be proud- but all I can think of is what I have lost, what I will never have. I feel like I have let my family down- I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about any of this because I feel guilty that I have this much pain- I don't want people to feel bad for me- I don't want them to feel guilty. One of my really good friends just told me that she is thinking of having a baby in the next year- and wants me to be a part of its life. When she told me this I had an overwhelming sense of jealously- and I don't want to be like that- I want to be happy for her, I am happy for her, really I am- but I want it and I can't. Dh says that I should talk to her to tell how I feel, but I feel like this is my problem- why should I make it hers. I don't want her to feel guilty, I know she told me because she is happy and wants me to be happy to. I just wish that time really did heal wounds- because right now I feel like it is a big lie- every time I think that something gets easier or better- I fall apart and feel like it happened yesterday. When does it get easier?