Saturday, October 9, 2010

Too Many Thougts

For the last few years I haven't liked or enjoyed October. I feel as if I am in a losing battle with my emotions and who to talk about it. In the last few months several women that I had 'met' through my online support group for Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss have announced new pregnancies or have delivered happy beautiful healthy babies. I had a family member deliver a very beautiful boy on Thursday. I want so much to be happy for them, but I am finding it to be very difficult. Each birth reminds me of what I am never going to have in my life. I admit it, I am jealous of what these women have- about their happiness- the happiness of their families. Each birth reminds me that I am broken, that I can't fulfill one of my childhood dreams- I am never going to be a mother and then it just rolls down the hill picking up casualties along the way. Most of my family have no idea what Richard and I have been through in the last 5-6 years. Most of them have no idea that we DID try to have a family, that we DID succeed with 4 pregnancies, that we lost all 4 of those pregnancies. I can't get passed the heartbreak, the feeling of being broken and defective. I can't help but feel jealous when I see my parents with another family members baby and watch their eyes light up and see how happy they are with him- all the while knowing that I can't give them that- all of my mother's siblings are now grandparents- I can't bestow this title on my parents, just the same as I can't given my husband a child- I can't make him a Dad. I know that my emotions are running high this month as it is full of reminders of what happened to start this roller coaster to hell. I have no one to talk to about what I am feeling right now as I have been told that my friends don't want to hear about it anymore- I should have just move on already. My husband is even getting discouraged with me that I can't move on- it has been 5 years after all- get over it. That is the hard part- I can't just 'get over it' I don't want to forget the 4 precious lives that tried to be a part of our lives- I want to get to the point where I can be happy for friends and family- and not avoid them throughout their pregnancy and the birth of the baby. I want to be happy- not on the verge of tears when I think of what they are experiencing- it isn't their fault that I can't have a baby.