Saturday, October 9, 2010

Too Many Thougts

For the last few years I haven't liked or enjoyed October. I feel as if I am in a losing battle with my emotions and who to talk about it. In the last few months several women that I had 'met' through my online support group for Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss have announced new pregnancies or have delivered happy beautiful healthy babies. I had a family member deliver a very beautiful boy on Thursday. I want so much to be happy for them, but I am finding it to be very difficult. Each birth reminds me of what I am never going to have in my life. I admit it, I am jealous of what these women have- about their happiness- the happiness of their families. Each birth reminds me that I am broken, that I can't fulfill one of my childhood dreams- I am never going to be a mother and then it just rolls down the hill picking up casualties along the way. Most of my family have no idea what Richard and I have been through in the last 5-6 years. Most of them have no idea that we DID try to have a family, that we DID succeed with 4 pregnancies, that we lost all 4 of those pregnancies. I can't get passed the heartbreak, the feeling of being broken and defective. I can't help but feel jealous when I see my parents with another family members baby and watch their eyes light up and see how happy they are with him- all the while knowing that I can't give them that- all of my mother's siblings are now grandparents- I can't bestow this title on my parents, just the same as I can't given my husband a child- I can't make him a Dad. I know that my emotions are running high this month as it is full of reminders of what happened to start this roller coaster to hell. I have no one to talk to about what I am feeling right now as I have been told that my friends don't want to hear about it anymore- I should have just move on already. My husband is even getting discouraged with me that I can't move on- it has been 5 years after all- get over it. That is the hard part- I can't just 'get over it' I don't want to forget the 4 precious lives that tried to be a part of our lives- I want to get to the point where I can be happy for friends and family- and not avoid them throughout their pregnancy and the birth of the baby. I want to be happy- not on the verge of tears when I think of what they are experiencing- it isn't their fault that I can't have a baby.


Rosa said...

Love you, Hun. Sending you tons of hugs. I don't think anyone can really get OVER a loss. It's unfair that society expects that IFers do so just because it's not the norm. I'm here to listen if you need/want it.

Shopgirl said...

Sara, I wish that I could help you with this. But the truth is no one can. You have surround your heart and mind in this pain.
You are forgetting Sara. Sara that is creative, smart, a nurse healier. A wife with a beautiful home and the man who loves you with or without children. I know you have dreams of a child, but not everyone has children. Having a child will not take your illnesses away. You have to get well to even think of having a child again. With all the meds you are on a baby would have a very hard time getting to full term. I think you know all this.
You are using the best years of you life in this state of mind. It is robbing you of a wonderful life with or without children.
Believe me when I say you are special and your parents, your family will always want you to be the best that you can be.
I am sure you have head this all before. If having a baby is all that Sara is about, that is sad because you are here, you are now and you are loved....I Love You, Mary

Janet said...

Sara, Sometimes the only good response is, "it sucks." It does suck, but you are still a complete individual (and a pretty terrific one at that). So many people this year have told me that time heals. There have only been a few honest people who've told me that time doesn't blunt the grief- you just gain better coping skills.

Shopgirl is right. Now is the time to remember your identity as Sara. Who are you, independent of your relationships in life? Are you an artist? A dreamer? A scientist? A facilitator? What makes YOU unique and special?

This is such a hard journey to take. Women our age tend to have this issue whether we have children or not. What defines us as people? It's so easy to think of yourself in terms of what you are in relation to other people. You are a daughter, granddaughter, wife, friend, RN, etc. There is more to you than those titles.

I spend my whole day with children and kind of lost my identity for a few years. Today I can tell you that outside of the titles, I am also a strong, courageous woman, A woman of intelligence with strong convictions and no tact. I'm terribly impulsive, sometimes too persistent, and although slow to anger- once I get started I can boil for days. My calling in life is nurturing other people and I love being engaged in creative activity and anything to do with nature.

Who are you? :-) Tell me, because it's been a lot of years and we've all grown and changed. What makes you SARA today?