Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I don't know why this is happening all of a sudden...I have had episodes similar to this before but not so dramatic.
The last few weeks have been sprinkled with multiple manic days- more than I can count or remember. Now today I have slide all the way down into depression- I got upset because he fed the cats and I was going. He didn't know that I had planned on feeding the cats- it really shouldn't matter anyway- right? But now I feel completely useless because he fed the cats.
Today is one of the days that I hate my life.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Last week I started seeing a new therapist- she is very kind and patient. Today I met her dog who is also very kind and patient. We have been talking about grief and loss and trauma. Our or well okay, my goals are to be able to get past my grief and loss- stop feeling guilty about things that I have absolutely no control over and never will. She also brought up the idea of a type of memorial service for our Angels. This is something that I have never done for any of them- something that we have never done for various reasons. Richard and I said a few words when we placed the first three statues and their stepping stones the day we had our handfasting. I don't remember doing a whole lot of anything when we placed the last statue and stone. And when people ask about them- our next door neighbor made the comment 'Sara collects Angels' to which Richard basically said 'yes, she does'. More recently a group of people came to our home and a few of them made comments about the garden and statues that those must have been very important pets for you to keep it so well maintained and gone to so much trouble- Richard very carefully explained what the statues, stones, and garden really were and then the ladies felt a little guilty and told him how sorry they were for our losses.
Back to the memorial service- I talked to Richard on the way home from my session today- he said it was something I needed to talk to my circle sisters about- I told him that we also needed to talk about it as this is something we need to do together- they are after all OUR children, not just mine. Yes, granted, I am the one having the most difficulty saying 'goodbye' after almost 5 years for our first one and almost 2 years for our last. I want to be able to think of them and smile as I think about the brief time I had each of them with me. I want to smile and be genuinely happy for friends and family members when they announce a pregnancy. I want to be happy when the baby arrives and that baby makes my parents happy....I don't want to feel guilty that they have to receive their happiness elsewhere because I can't provide it. I would love to be able to include all of my family and friends in a memorial service- but considering many of them never knew that we were ever pregnant let alone lost said pregnancy- I don't want them to be uncomfortable- I just hate feeling like I am hiding this forbidden secret that must not be mentioned for fear of making someone uncomfortable. Then there are my parents, they understood in the beginning- well at least my mother did- she thoughtfully hung the ornament on the tree as she does every year- she would appear to be happy when we would find out that we were expecting, but didn't always seem to know how to treat me when I would then lose the pregnancy. My friends have all been similar...some would be very excited that we were pregnant- at least for the first few pregnancies- and others felt awkward- then when we would lose the pregnancy it seemed like the subject would be changed, so I stopped telling people when we were pregnant and the same thing when we lost the pregnancy I would be careful about who I mentioned it to.
So who do I have at a memorial service for four wonderful souls that did not get the chance to be? Do I do something with just Richard and I or can I include my friends- will they care or will they go along with everything to 'make' me feel better. I guess this is something that we are going to have to think about and decide what is best for us.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Today was the day that we all finally said 'Goodbye' to Solveig Lenhartzen also known as Gram. The services were simple and beautiful- many stories were told of her long adventurous life. Today she was surrounded by many members of her family and friends. She will be buried next to her beloved husband that passed away 16 years ago- I know she is resting now, no longer in pain, no longer suffering. I know that she is now at peace again surrounded by her loving family. Those of us left behind will carry her with us in our hearts- remembering her beautiful and contagious smile that lit up the room, we all will also cherish her lyrical little laugh. I feel so honored and blessed that her family shared her with me. She has such special soul that will be missed but never forgotten. Rest in peace Gram- you are finally home.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Our Little Peanut
You have been gone for four years and yet it sometimes feels like it was just yesterday.
We love you dearly with all of hearts and think of you often.
I know that one day we will all be together again, until then watch over us as I know you and your sisters do.
I hope you had a beautiful light show last night with all of the fireworks everywhere.
Mommy is trying to find ways to be happy and knows that you are not with us for a reason- and believe that reason was not because we didn't love you- because we did with all of our hearts.
Be safe little one- chase the butterflies and dragonflies and relax beneath the beautiful rainbows.
We will light your candle later today and think of you fondly.
I miss you my little Angel boy- you will forever be in my heart were you are safe and sound. I cherish the weeks we had with you- sleep well sweet prince. Love Always- Mommy and Daddy