Friday, December 26, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
As for my leg, it is red and inflammed again after yesterdays doctors visit- I guess it didn't like being poked at- I didn't like it being poked at, it hurt, now it is all hot and pissed off again- so I am taking 2 full dose aspirin a day and watching it closely. Resting it and taking it easy. Doc said it should be another week and then it should be getting better, but to keep taking the aspirin until it stops hurting. At least I don't have to be on Coumadin or Lovenox again- those both were not any fun, but I am starting to get little bruises from the cats and other things from the aspirin so now on 2 of them a day it should look like I am getting beat up. I can't wait!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
This is a new book that I am hoping to be reading soon. I watched an interview earlier this week (it was a re-run) on the Rachael Ray Show with Maria Shriver about this book and it really made me think- I have always had the answer to the question 'what are you going to be when you grow up' or 'what are you going to do after graduation- do you have a plan?'
Of course I did, I had my plans made since the age of 4 years old- I was going to be a nurse! I went to college, I became a nurse, I worked as a nurse for 4 years- even had what many have considered was my dream job. But then something happened, I still don't know what triggered it- maybe it was my dream job, maybe my personal life and my job together- who knows. But what I have figured out is that my 'what are you going to do with your life' is not here- it is not a place in my life right now, it scares me to death, I sometimes can't imagine that I used to do the things that I used to do; also what scares me is that I don't know WHO I am.
I have always had my what, that was never ever a question- never faltered when asked- I was going to be a nurse when I grew up, I became a nurse- now yes, technically I am still a nurse on paper- but who am I if I am not a nurse actively?
I know that there is more to me, there is a who to me rather than just a what- I guess that should be part of my therapy....to figure out who I am now that my what I am is gone.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Went to the good old Western Idaho Fair with the family- no the top pic is not a relative- but the 'farmer' is my Mom! and dh's penchant for sheep, well, that explains me.....a good time was had by all. But on the way home I realized I went to the fair and didn't have any fair food- a bite of Mom's caramel apple and a snow cone and that was it- no cotton candy, no corn dogs or curly fries....I think I forgot something- or saved my stomach from some pain later tonight- not sure which- probably a little of both! Did accomplish a few things- got dh a new/replacement wedding band that I had wanted to do for his birthday back in June- he likes it and I like it and it is pretty- we are both happy. And I only had one small brief anxiety type episode that was handled gracefully by myself quite quickly- I believe that I am definitely ready for the concert next week! I also was able to talk to an old friend's Mom about him and his daughter (she is going to be 7! she was 2 1/2 almost 3 when he was killed by a drunk driver) and about his sister who also recently passed- was able to do all of this without completely breaking down while standing in front of his mangled car- I think a big accomplishment on my part- although I am starting to tear up now thinking about it. I miss him and his sister even though I hadn't seen them for a very long time, they will always hold very special places in my heart.
It has always amazed me how good you feel after getting even a simple haircut, sometimes even just getting your hair washed when you are sick. But yesterday I spent 2 1/2 hours with my hair stylist (I love Mark) getting my hair done- yes I admit, my red is no longer mine, it comes from a bottle, but I know that originally I am a true red head! Anyway, getting to hear the other chaos going on, hearing about his family- his wife will be starting back to school next semester to get her pre-req's done for nursing- talking about just life in general. I felt normal again yesterday, I loved it- for those 2 1/2 hours I wasn't crazy me, I was normal me, no anxiety, nothing. Salons and spas have magical powers you should all try them at least once in awhile, that should be a prescription from the psychiatrist and covered by insurance- but let's not go there- I am in a happy place. :)
Friday, August 15, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
Well, my dh built me this beautiful swing for my birthday last year and it has just been getting weathered- not horrible but not exactly what either of wanted.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Currently I am exhausted from the days events; I at one point believed that I was going to be admitted inpatient to be protected from myself or keep my husband from freaking out completing. I asked him to contact my psychiatrist this morning for help because I was at a loss- I knew that I was past helping myself and was scared of what I might do if left alone.
I was taken by one of my friends from circle to a woman today that is both a psychic and has a psychology background. I was taught to ground among other things. It was a beautiful experience, one that I will never forget or regret.
Now, am just tired for the night, embarrassed about scaring my friends and family, and confused. No I am not going to hurt myself- I am just tired.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
But only when they don't make you feel like your really good- I be on drugs now..... I did something to my back it sucks- it hurts, spent the day with my Dad. Actually wasn't bad because of the drugs
I am and my back still hurts but I don't give a rats ass- oh yeah filter broken........
Monday, July 7, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
Let me introduce you to Galen and Deanna Kasel- my baby cousin got married on my hubby and I's 11th anniversary, but I wouldn't mind sharing it with any other couple! They are so sweet and I love them both tons! And they are both just so darn cute- this is just a proof I 'borrowed' from the photographer- Jason Ropp- he did an amazing job- I think the ? mark says don't copy- so please (don't know why you would) don't do that- but had to share my newest family member with you all- because she is beautiful and amazing- they truly complete each other!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
4 Things I Did 10 Years Ago (1998):
1. Bought the house with dh- hard to believe that we have been here for 10 years already. This has to be the biggest event that happened 10 years ago!
2. The next big thing was that I finally started working towards my nursing degree- I became a CNA- so I didn't finish my degree and I worked as a CNA for the next 5 1/2- 6 years.
3. We thought about going off of the depo, but MIL found out and had a hissy fit- stayed on it for another year.
4. DH and I celebrated our one-year anniversary. We thawed out the top of our wedding cake- it was bad! DH didn't get me a card, because we were short on cash after buying the house so we had decided not to really do anything big-I told him he didn't need to get me a gift- but you'd think he'd at least have gotten me a card or at least made me one-he is a graphic artist after all and is a computer nerd- I sent him a card on the computer- but I got nothing- his defense- 'well you told me not to get you anything' whatever.... we went to the Anniversary Inn for our 2nd and 4th anniversaries- it has been made up for- mostly ;)
4 Things I Did 5 Years Ago (2003):
1. I graduated from TVCC as a Practical Nurse! One more year to go until I have my ADN- yep, I am finally doing it!
2. I had my appendix removed the day I was supposed to be taking my Summer Quarter Final for the nursing program. I was attempting to bribe nursing staff, my dh, any one to let me go and take my final- I wasn't having surgery until 4:30 p.m. and my final was in the morning- I promised that I would come back- that was when they started pumping me full of morphine and admitted my butt because they were afraid that I was going to sneak out of the hospital and find my way to Ontario to take that test.
3. Had my 10th High School Reunion- that I missed because I was in the hospital having my appendectomy. I did get great pictures of my appendix though.
4. 2 weeks after having my appendectomy I started a new job at the local hospital where I worked every Friday and Saturday night for the last 10 months of nursing school and confirmed just how much I hated working on med/surg.
4 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Started working on one of the two personalized baby quilts that I am making for friends.
2. Finally heard back from Employee Health and found out that after I had a major deadline that the hospital I work for still hasn't made a decision regarding my long term disability.
3. Had a major breakdown- decided that I don't want to do the quilts anymore, freaked out dh with the breakdown.
4. Slept off and on until 4:30 p.m. (which is why I am still awake at 5:30 a.m.) then just laid on the couch, decided to finally update my blog, and that is about it.
4 Shows I Love To Watch:
1. Ghost Whisperer
2. Reno 911!
3. Hell's Kitchen
4. South Park
4 Things That Make Me Really Happy:
1. Napping, especially when DH can join me
2. When my roses start to bloom
3. My kitties when they are snuggling up with me and being purry
4. When I have a good day
Now to think of 4 friends to tag:
And it is finally official- I have my psychiatric diagnosis and honestly it is not what I expected or had prepared myself for, but then again how do you prepare yourself for something that life-changing? I am not exactly sure on the exact diagnosis as you tend to block that type of thing out when you hear the words coming out of the practitioners mouth- I am seeing the nurse practitioner at this time, see her one more time then she goes on maternity leave and I start seeing the actual psychiatrist (he has been on vacation and they did not think that I should wait for him to return).
So what is my diagnosis-well, I actually have several, from nursing school I remember that they start with a diagnosis DSM-IV and then an axis and something else, but I honestly can't remember how it all works. So here is what I do know, I have been diagnosed with Adult ADHD, Severe Depression and Bipolar Type 2 with OCD Tendencies. I have always known about the depression, so that was expected, my pain doctor had mentioned OCD and I have always wondered about that, so I was kind of expecting that too. But the ADHD which shouldn't have been a big deal had never been brought up- that caught me off guard a little, but the biggest shock was the bipolar diagnosis. My pain doctor had briefly brought it up but then said he highly doubted it- so then when she officially said that I did have that it scared me, and I began to wonder how she came up with that- I vaguely remember something about her saying that I was on the low end of the spectrum- I guess that was because I haven't had a huge psychotic break/episode yet. I just have the really low lows and then have the sort of manic episodes- but not completely out of control- I am just frustrating dh because I can't stop talking sometimes, or I can't find the right words to explain myself.
If he thinks that he is frustrated, he should try living in my brain- how the hell does he think I feel?! I have a freaking college degree- how I have that I really don't know right now, I can't function as a nurse, I honestly don't know if or when I will be able to, and that scares the hell out of me, it really does- I was always the one that knew what they were going to be when they grew up- and now all I feel is completely lost and scared. Somedays all I want to do, all I have the energy to do is get out of bed only to curl up on the couch for the rest of the day. I then feel guilty when dh gets home and asks what did you do all day? I try to do things, really I do, but when you have no energy or get completely exhausted after emptying the dishwasher and then reloading it and feeding the cats- I agree it is pathetic- but what am I supposed to do? I am doing my best, I really am- sometimes I don't think he believes me that I am. I know that he is working hard everyday at his job and then has to come and deal with me.
I just wish that it didn't take so long for medications to start to work, because I honestly don't feel better- I did for a few days, now I feel miserable again. I cry at the drop of a hat, I am irritable, I know that I must be really pleasant to be around right now. My current mood stabilizer, Abilify, has not yet kicked in- I have been on it for about a week- it has wonderful side effects- none of which I have experienced yet, and none of which I hope to experience. The Cymbalta that I have been taking since January doesn't seem to be working- I have mentioned this multiple times and all that happens is that my pain doctor wants to let the psych deal with it because he doesn't deal with psych issues and thinks that the psych will be able to handle it better- then the psych lowers the dose because she doesn't think I need to be on 90 mg a day, she thinks that that kind of a dose is more for pain than for depression- and since I am no longer having as many migraines then I should be on a lower dose, so I am now taking 60 mg a day- I am not sure the difference because I really don't feel any different on the 60 vs the 90 mg. I hate taking pills, I keep screwing them up, dh has actually written down what I take and how many so that when I fill my weekly pill holder I don't make a mistake. I am almost 33 yrs old and I take more pills than either of my grandmothers' did- neither of my parents take as many pills as I take- it is sad.
Well, I started this blog with the pills that I was taking for weight loss and such so I guess that I will re-start this blog with the same- if anyone is still reading this be prepared- no this is not a joke, this really is my daily pill regimen.
- Calcium + Vitamin D 500 mg x 1
- Multivitamin x 1
- Flaxseed Oil 1000 mg x 1
- Chromium Nicotinate 200 mcg x 1
- Baby Aspirin 81 mg x 1
- Klonopin 0.5 mg x 1
- Cymbalta 60 mg x 1
- Abilify 2 mg x 1
- Phentermine 37.5 mg x 1/2
- Glucophage 500 mg x 1
- Klonopin 0.5 mg x 1
- Topamax 100 mg x 3
- HS 240 mg x 1
- Zyrtec 10 mg x 1
- Singulair 10 mg x 1
- Stool Softener 100 mg x 1-3
- Klonopin 1 mg x 1 at bedtime
- Actiq 400 mcg x 1 for severe migraine
- Epipen 0.3 mcg x 1-2 for anaphylactic reaction
- Benadryl 75- 100 mg x 1 for allergic reactions and/or nausea
- Pepcid 40 mg x 1 for severe and/or anaphylactic reaction
- ProAir MDI 2 puffs x every 4 hours to control asthma
- DuoNeb 1-2 ampuls x every 4 to 6 hours to control asthma
- AccuNeb 1-2 ampuls x every 4 to 6 hours to control asthma