Made it through the holiday

Well, I made it through Christmas. It was tough I won't lie or try to make it sound all cheerful. Luckily the questions didn't come up, although it did break my heart when my Mom said that she didn't have any grandchildren she has grandkitties- this was during a conversation on Christmas Eve with my Aunt who also just has a grandpuppy; but her kids have only just gotten married so there is more time, they haven't been married for 11 years and trying for years. Oh well. So life goes. 

I got a new statue ordered today, it is a little angel napping in cradled hands, I can't wait to get it, of course it won't go in the garden until springtime, but it is coming all the same.

It is Christmas Eve

Today is supposed to be a happy day. It has been 5 days since we lost our last baby and I just don't feel in the holiday spirit. Dh and I are supposed to go to for family dinner tonight and I really don't want to go. I am still crying at the drop of a hat, commercials are making me cry. I just want the holidays to be over.

Handling things

I am handling everything unusually well. I don't know if it just hasn't hit yet or what. I have lost it a few times but I am keeping it together better than I thought that I would. I thought that I would be an emotional wreck with this loss, but I haven't been, don't get me wrong I am sad and angry and all of that, but I am trying to stay strong. I have broke down a few times but I just don't think it has completely hit yet. I have a feeling when I return to counseling or to my psych after the first of the year I am going to lose it completely.

Mother of Four

It is official, I am now the mother of four angels in heaven. We have lost our dream again, the cramping and bleeding has increased, it is over. I don't know why my body keeps doing this to me, but it does, it has betrayed us once again. I don't know if I can do this all again, we are going to look into the IUD after the holidays. Rest in peace precious angel- her name was going to be Olivia Grace.

I think that we may be done

Not to be gross or anything but I have started to have some bleeding this morning, so I think that we may be done. I had a feeling that this was going to happen, I tried to be positive and have only happy thoughts, but when this is the only thing that has ever happened it is hard to have positive thoughts all the time. We had been hoping that this would be the one, but I don't think so, I think that it is ending like all the others. I am sad, but not as sad as I thought that I would be, maybe I am still in shock. I had hoped that we would at least have made it to Yule/Christmas, but I don't think that is going to happen now.

Still Cooking.....

Well as Dh puts it I am still cooking. LOL. No sign of a visitor of that sort has shown up to date. Just have painful breasts and lots of nausea, have even thrown up a few times. So maybe we will get what we want for Christmas/Yule this year.

Let the fun begin

Well the test said negative, but my body says otherwise.....the nausea has started and this morning I started vomiting. Maybe it is all in my head but I still haven't started. It is possible that we tested too early a few more weeks if nothing I will have missed 2 cycles then I see the OB/GYN and go from there. Hopefully this weekend while we are out of town, supposed to be enjoying each others company and relaxing isn't impeded by the nausea and vomiting too much. If it does turn out in the end that we are pregnant I will gladly take the nausea any day of the week.

Anxious

I can't help but feel anxious. I am excited and scared all at the same time. I am trying not to get my hopes up only to have them crushed as they have been so many times in the past, but I have never been this late, and I feel great to boot. I called family practice to ask about the coumadin and whether or not I should be taking it. I am still waiting for them to call me back about that. Coumadin is not a safe drug should things be what seems to be happening. It could also be that I am stressed, but then I would be having headaches, anyway that is my norm when I am stressed and I haven't had one headache so I don't think that I am stressed, although I beginning to get stressed if I am potentially harming something that we have worked so hard for. This is getting frustrating the waiting, I am obviously not a very patient person. I need and want answers and I am not getting any, I don't want to seem pushy, or overly bitchy but this is my life that is being messed with and I am not liking it.

Less than helpful......

Talked to the OB/GYN office yesterday for what it was worth. The aide told me (even after I told her that I am on many incompatible meds) that since I got a negative test not to worry until I have missed 2 cycles, so now I am just waiting, again. And stressing out mildly that if I am pregnant what harm is being done because of the meds that I am taking. I am anxious almost all the time now, so those meds aren't working any more anyway. The holidays are coming so I am stressing out about that, my main goal this is to put up the tree and decorate it- we got some new ornaments for our three angels- actually dh found them and told me that I could get them if I put names on them- so as soon as I got home I got the puffy paints out and wrote their names on the angel wings. I am happy but nervous all at the same time, trying not to get my hopes up so that they won't be destroyed if my cycle suddenly starts or if something else happens. But being this late it is hard not to think about the what ifs.

Still waiting....

Took a test this morning and it was negative, well the first one didn't work at all; no control line nothing- so was just going to bag the whole the thing, but then I had to pee again so tried another test and it was negative, but still no cycle starting or any sign of it showing up.

Late

I know that it is probably all the stress that I have been under or the meds that I am taking, but I am still nervous. I am a week late! Before stress has made me only a few days not miss an entire cycle completely. I guess I keep hoping that talking about will make it start. I confided in my Mom tonight and she asked me what we would do if we were- I told her that I don't know, because I don't. I mean I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them ripped apart like before, but I don't want to be dreading it either. With all the meds I am taking right so many of the are not baby safe and that scares me so much. My Mom told to call and check in with my OB/GYN in the morning so for now those are my plans, I will also take a test in the morning just to see.

Counseling and just catching up

Well, I have started counseling again, I think it will be better this time around; I feel a lot more comfortable with this counselor- although I haven't figured out why just yet. 

I had a second stay in the ICU since being here last, it was a few days after my first stay, for the same thing- had the adenosine stress test while admitted that showed that my heart was healthy- which is a good thing. Just no explanation as to why I was having chest pain, which has now thankfully stopped just as suddenly as it started. My arm where the blood clot was is also feeling much better. I am still on coumadin and will be permanently since the doctors don't know why I have continued to get clots at my age- so we are definitely done ttc as coumadin is category x for pregnancy. And wouldn't you know because of this I am 5 days late, it is highly unlikely that I am pregnant, most likely it is do to all the stress that I have experienced the last few weeks, but it is a cruel joke all the same. Something that I don't need right now.

Scheduled for a stress test

Well, I am scheduled for a stress test early Friday morning and I am scared to death. Don't know why, I am not even sure what they are going to do- sounds partly like they are going to give me medications. I am just nervous and having a bad day and more testing isn't helping. I am still having some chest pain or discomfort whatever you want to call it, it started up again this morning- I don't know whether to ignore it or what- it scares me. I almost wish that they would find something.

Adventures in the ICU

Well I have now been home for 24 hours from little stint in the ICU. Yes, that is what I said, I was in the ICU Saturday for observation of chest pain and headache because I have a blood clot in my left arm and I guess the clots in the arms have a higher tendency to break off and travel else where in the body. Per CT exam I don't have any clots in my lungs this time which is why they kept me because it didn't feel like my asthma and a breathing treatment didn't help any. So I got to stay the day and night in the hospital. And I forgot just how many times we wake up ICU patients I swear that every time I had just gotten to sleep the nurse came in or lab showed up or something else. Not to mention the fact that once they increased my diet from clear liquid (at lunch) t0 cardiac blah at dinner my headache for one came back with a vengeance but I think that they advanced my diet a little to quickly from nothing to solids because I tried really hard to give it back. :( So, my dh sat with while they gave me meds for the nausea and I sat with my pink bucket trying not heave. Then he sat with me while I used my meds from home for my headache which worked for a little bit as I ended up getting meds via my IV that thankfully knocked me out....finally and made my headache go away. So here I am waiting to figure out why for one I keep getting blood clots- this is my second major one in 4 years, and then my second in about a month (had a superficial thrombophlebitis the end of September) and then trying to figure out what happened this weekend. 

I got permission to stop shooting myself (well, my mother and my dh) in the stomach with blood thinning injections today from the doctor, my blood is finally 'thin' enough and the oral meds have kicked in that I don't need them anymore- YEAH! My stomach was getting quite bruised and was oozing blood almost continuously- yeah, I know gross. So, now I am just taking as dh puts oral rat poison for the rest of my life- yippee! Oh yes and I have a stress test scheduled for early Friday morning- I am so excited to show how out of shape I am- I am beyond thrilled, but I think because of the instructions I got I am also get medications, I am a little nervous, but hopefully it won't show anything other than I am massively out of shape. We shall see.

Meds suck!

Well, I have had this splotchy, dry skin type 'rash' all over my face since starting Prozac a few weeks ago- this morning after showering and washing my face it turned into something much worse! I look like I have a huge horrible burn on my face! It hurts a lot and looks hideous- my psych finally got with me and told me to stop the Prozac and watch for blisters anywhere on my body- thrilling- NOT! If the rash gets worse I am supposed to go to the ER or contact my primary care physician (who would tell me to go the ER)- I am so sick of meds and their side effects, especially when I turn out to be one of those special patients you know the 1 in 100 or 1000 that gets this particular side effect- I can't even be normal when it comes to side effects. My face hurts, it looks like some threw hot water or something on it, and I am in a bad mood- oh yes, and to top it all off, I have a headache to! I love my life.....whatever

3 years

Tomorrow will be 3 years since our journey to trying to become parents began and sadly ended within a few weeks. 

We had so many hopes and dreams that we had been planning for so many years. Even though it has been 3 years it seems like just yesterday that we were finding out that we were pregnant and then that we were losing her. I can still remember the events of the day like it was yesterday. I do admit that I am handling this anniversary much better this year than I have in the past. I have been teary, but I haven't had a complete breakdown like last year. I think I am finally healing from the pain and the loss. But it does still hurt not having them with me where they should be, they are with me in my heart and I think of them often and love them everyday.

 Tomorrow will be 1 year. Yep, we should be celebrating Little Mouse's 1st birthday tomorrow, instead we are coming to terms with the fact that she's not here, neither are brother or sister. None of them ever will be with us physically, but they will forever be with us in our hearts, and on Miss Mouse's- Miss Ruth Ann's 1st birthday we think of them all and heals our hearts a little bit more.  

Ambien is my friend

Need to take it much earlier than I did last night, but I finally slept without taking over an hour to fall asleep grinding my teeth the entire time, etc, etc. Bottom line, I slept and woke up feeling rested, the first time in I don't know how long, will like I said play with the time I take it so that I get up before 11am. 

October 15th

There is a beautiful blog here on blogspot and they do a beautiful thing for parents.....these parents in honor and memory of their beloved children write your child's name in the sand then take a picture of it and post it on their blog for you to see- well below is a link to see my our angels it is healing to see their names written out in the sand by someone else- it makes them more than a memory or a figment of fleeting time- it is making the upcoming anniversary easier. I am feeling calmer about them being gone, about us being a couple without children- deprived of such joys that they each would have given us. I know that they each would have had their own wonderful personalities and would have been a beautiful little soul making their way in this world. I can imagine as the waves washed away their names I can feel a calm would have come over me almost as I would have been able to say hello and goodbye- and have them each say the same to me. It would have been a beautiful moment, but even so having their names written in the sand was a beautiful gift to have given if only for a fleeting moment in time- just like their time here with us fleeting, but beautiful and never to be forgotten.

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/10/brierley-isabel-henry-philip-and-ruth.html

I don't want to be a grown up today

I don't want to be a grown up, I don't want the responsibility, the bills, the headaches etc. I don't want any of it- but how do you get out, you can't. I am having my second breakdown today about this crap and I hate not being in control of my life. I hate the uncertainty and the insanity of it all, I want the simplicity I remember when I was younger- I want my sanity back I don't want this headache.

Confused

I am confused as to why my husband and I don't communicate. I think he doesn't tell me things so that I don't get stressed out, but then when I find out things it stresses me out more because we are in more trouble than I ever thought. I have a headache again because of the stress, I am looking for a job because my disability was denied- that alone sends me into panic mode. Then we start arguing- I just did something that I know is going to start a huge argument, I told my Dad the problems we are having, I had to tell someone- I hate being home alone, especially with these thoughts looming through my head- what to sell, where are we going to get the money in 30 days- can we get the money in 30 days are we really going to lose the house this time? Where will we live....it is all just too much right now. I know that he is going to be mad that I even wrote about this but I had to get it out somewhere. No one really reads this anyway so what the hell, who cares. He doesn't understand that I have the stupid letter and know what he has been trying to be protecting me from- too late now- I know and it sucks, and I don't know what to do. We need to talk to each other even if it isn't going to be all happy, hell, I am already nuts, what more can happen.

Working with the hubby

Well, to get me out of the house today and get my mind off of my leg (helping a little) it is bring your wife to work day..... dh needed someone to answer phones while in an all morning/afternoon meeting- so here I am at work trying not screw things up :) So far so good.....mostly it has been phone calls from guys asking if their checks are ready- that is an easy one to answer otherwise I just have to take a message. So hopefully all goes well.
As for my leg, it is red and inflammed again after yesterdays doctors visit- I guess it didn't like being poked at- I didn't like it being poked at, it hurt, now it is all hot and pissed off again- so I am taking 2 full dose aspirin a day and watching it closely. Resting it and taking it easy. Doc said it should be another week and then it should be getting better, but to keep taking the aspirin until it stops hurting. At least I don't have to be on Coumadin or Lovenox again- those both were not any fun, but I am starting to get little bruises from the cats and other things from the aspirin so now on 2 of them a day it should look like I am getting beat up. I can't wait!

Having a bad day

Today sucks! My leg hurts, it should be feeling better and it isn't- I am loosing patience with it- last night I kept having dreams about just cutting the stupid clot out- that is healthy- NOT! 

I am supposed to go on a road trip this weekend and I am probably not going which is letting people down- but I don't know what else to do, part of me wants to go, but my leg is getting in the way and making me just want to stay home- I think I did to much last weekend, even though I had the docs okay to do it, I think it hindered the healing. Part of me also just wants to stay home which is bad because that is letting people down. I just want my leg to stop hurting, I want this blood clot to go away, I want things to go back to normal. I want to have a good day again.

Collection shrinking

Well we are giving up the counselor for financial reasons- the initial visit was outrageous and we still don't know if insurance is even going to cover any of it anyway. They are trying to get out covering my psych visits as it is. So my collection of docs is shrinking, yes I probably do need the counselor, but there just isn't any way to pay for her, so that is that. 

We are still waiting to hear back about my disability from the state, and that is making me nervous. Some days I feel like I could go back to work and then that fleeting moment leads into a panic attack that totally freaks me and makes me feel completely inadequate that I can't help my family, my dh goes to work everyday and works his ass off and what do I do?! I am just a crazy freak that can't help. What has happened to my life?! I hate this, all I want is my life back and I don't think that that is going to happen any time soon and I don't know why- what did I do to deserve this?!

Back at home

Back home from brief road trip (okayed by MD) to see family in Bellevue (near Sun Valley). Now home with my leg up on pillows drinking fluids and waiting for the stinging burning sensation to go away, because dang it I am going to the Scottish Highland games tomorrow! I have been looking forward to them for several months and I am not going to let a little blood clot stop me from attending, and that is that!

I have just fed my Pagan Friendship Bread and it is now happy- it smells wonderful, I can't wait to get to day 10 when I can bake with it- I am going to make some chocolate bread, I have been told it is fabulous! 

I can't wait for my leg to get better so I can get out and start exercising and geocaching with my husband and friends again- I had been exercising and then stopped suddenly when I got depressed is what probably gave me the clot this time- you would have thought that after having a dangerous big clot a few years ago I would be a lot more careful and pay more attention- well, maybe this one will teach me the lesson I need to learn- because I am not enjoying the restrictions even though they are much fewer than last time and the meds are much less than time- it still hurts and isn't any fun! I wouldn't wish this on any one! And I mean that!

Let the fun begin

Same leg, different diagnosis, kind of...... I have a superficial thrombophlebitis in my left leg! Same leg that I had the DVT in back in 2004- now I get to go to the MD on call this morning to see if they want to put me blood thinners or not. Will keep you posted.

Migraines suck

Well, here I am with a nice drug hangover after being in the ER in the middle of the night (4-6am) after using my rescue meds and not having them work. But now finally my headache that I had had since yesterday morning is gone! I just feel like I have been beat up or beat on or both. Drugs suck, but they are also good sometimes, just not all the time- still don't understand why people take this stuff when they don't need it- I don't just don't get it, why would you willing want to feel this way?! I hate it, but I hate the headaches more!

Rainy Days and Baking

Well I successfully made 'Share the Wealth Applesauce' earlier this morning and it tastes good- it is made from apples from my cousins orchard. And now I am making 'Sea Turtle Wisdom' bread that just came out of the oven looking very cool!!! I am a very happy kitchen witch right now.

Today is a new day

Today so far is a better, I can actually see the screen as I type this :) and I am not a blubbering wreck.

Today I just feel completely drained- I don't know what happened yesterday, but I hate when that happens, I feel like I have absolutely no control over my life. I went from a productive working person that meant something to society to a freak almost overnight. If my job did this to me or my life did this to me I don't know. I don't know if I want to know to be honest, it kind of scares me to know that this counselor might figure out what actually triggered this breakdown. All I want is my life back, I thought that it was coming back so I am not sure what happened- maybe my brain was just playing tricks on me letting me think that I was getting back to normal when in reality I was just as crazy and about to loose it at any moment. Oh well, it was nice being oblivious to reality for a brief moment in time. Maybe it will happen again soon.

What the hell is wrong with me?!

I can't keep it together- the littlest thing makes me loose it and I don't know why. I know that the Prozac isn't going to kick in immediately but what the hell.....I hate being alone but then I can't be with other people- would want to be with me like this! I don't want to be with me like this! Last week I had a few days were we thought we were going to have a manic upswing and not now- now I am wreck- I don't deserve to be a parent, I can't even take care of myself how in the hell would I take care of someone else?! I hate myself like this

Saw the Counselor....

Well, I saw the counselor yesterday with my Dad and my husband. It was okay, I just didn't know how it would go since I have never seen a counselor before. I have been to a couple different psychs before but they just did medication but didn't really talk to me that much. 

So her goal is to get a handle on this big blob of crud- I think that is what we are calling the crap that is running or ruining my life right now - not me- and see if we can get my life back.

She seems very nice, hubby feels that the session went well, I guess that I am still not sure about everything- I think it went okay, I don't know what I was expecting- a major healing all in one sitting- who knows, I see her again next week with just me and hubby and then maybe we can get to the root of some problems, like what triggered all of this shit in the first place. I know that I have always been a little nuts and was just really good at hiding it and pretending that everything was hunky dory but something big either with life or work or a combination of the two had to have happened to make me go off the deep end completely to where I am now- and I don't like where I am now.

We talked about my fear of returning to work, driving, leaving the house, and loosing my friends all of it is now out in the open. I even admitted to all of the suicide attempts and thoughts that I have had since I was a child (age 11 or 12) and that is a huge one that I have kept hidden from lots of people for a long time. I am starting to open up about scaring things because I know that without doing so I am not going to get any better- it doesn't make me a scary person- it just makes me I don't know a person with scary thoughts going on inside her head sometimes that are being reined in to be less scary.

I know that I have a huge circle of girlfriends that love and support me, and they are who I am most afraid of loosing- I know that they are there for, but one of my biggest fears is that one day I will somehow chase them away. I know that this is an irrational fear and have been told so many times- but it is one that I can't get out of my head.

Have yet another doctor.....

Well, yes I have yet another doctor to add to my collection. I will be seeing a counselor on Monday at the suggestion of my psychiatric nurse practitioner. I am also back to taking antidepressants as I can't get myself out of this funk that I am in and have been in since my birthday. I am either crying or sleeping or both. So now we are waiting and seeing how I react to the meds to make sure I don't have a huge manic swing or anything else. 

Party over....

Well the party is finally over, well it was over 4 days ago and I am still recovering- no I drank nothing but tea and punch and there was nothing strange in either of those!

Remind me to never have a party again- mental illness and people/friends that don't understand that can massively overly stimulate- so now I am on a major depressive spiral that I can't seem to get out of and it sucks- I literally spent the majority of Sunday sleeping, Monday crying and slept 90% of yesterday...today is a wait and see as it is still early- I am not yet motivated to do anything- tomorrow I see Ms. Shrink so we'll have a lot to talk about as this is the first time this has happened since being on my new medication at this strength. 

I am supposed to go on a mini-roadtrip (day trip) with this group the beginning of October and now I am very nervous about doing that, only 2 people out of the 8 have seen me have a full breakdown- the others completely missed the beginnings of the one I started to have Saturday because they were so wrapped up in what they were doing themselves. No I don't expected others to babysit me, but I had hoped that my friends would recognize that I was beginning to become completely exhausted and realize that party time was over and it was time to go home without my mom having to say so.

I hate being in this funk, but I don't know how to get out- one of my friends came over Monday and took me out for a few hours and it felt great, but then afterwards it was right back to where I am now. It makes me nervous and scared. No I am not on the verge of doing something stupid, but every time I get to this point it takes longer and longer to get back to 'normal' or is this my normal- if so I don't like it.

Birthday Wishes for Me.

Happy Birthday to me! I am actually feeling pretty good today, my appointment with the pain doc went well, may be able to start spreading my appointments out more than monthly if I keep doing well. I only had 1 headache in this past month- a new record for me!

Had a nice dinner with the family, got to get all dressed up in my fancy pouffy lolita skirt that I have only worn one other time. I got some really neat gifts- a pillow that is also an ipod speaker from dh so that I can listen to my meditations and such while relaxing- going to try it out tonight :) and then a really cool garden sculpture from my parents that is the moon and stars, also got a new shirt and beautiful lace tablecloth to use for my tea party this weekend. 

I am feeling good about my party, the weather is cooling off, so the pool probably won't be used (that was my big present from dh earlier this summer - it has been a big hit when it has been hot!) but that is okay, the weather should be just right for everyone, I am starting to feel less anxious about the party, hopefully it stays that way.

The House is Clean!

It has taken what feels like forever, but the house is clean and is ready for my party on Saturday. Now I just have to be ready for my party. I have suddenly gotten anxiety issues that I haven't had in several weeks and of course I don't see the psych until after my party. I had a break down over the long weekend because something didn't go quite according plan and so I lost it. Oh well, I guess that is part of my fun new life of craziness.

What will I be?

 This is a new book that I am hoping to be reading  soon. I watched an interview earlier this week (it was a re-run) on the Rachael Ray Show with Maria Shriver about this book and it really made me think- I have always had the answer to the question 'what are you going to be when you grow up' or 'what are you going to do after graduation- do you have a plan?' 

Of course I did, I had my plans made since the age of 4 years old- I was going to be a nurse! I went to college, I became a nurse, I worked as a nurse for 4 years- even had what many have considered was my dream job. But then something happened, I still don't know what triggered it- maybe it was my dream job, maybe my personal life and my job together- who knows. But what I have figured out is that my 'what are you going to do with your life' is not here- it is not a place in my life right now, it scares me to death, I sometimes can't imagine that I used to do the things that I used to do; also what scares me is that I don't know WHO I am.

I have always had my what, that was never ever a question- never faltered when asked- I was going to be a nurse when I grew up, I became a nurse- now yes, technically I am still a nurse on paper- but who am I if I am not a nurse actively? 

I know that there is more to me, there is a who to me rather than just a what- I guess that should be part of my therapy....to figure out who I am now that my what I am is gone.

Went to the fair!

                              Went to the good old Western Idaho Fair with the family- no the top pic is not a relative- but the 'farmer' is my Mom! and dh's penchant for sheep, well, that explains me.....a good time was had by all. But on the way home I realized I went to the fair and didn't have any fair food- a bite of Mom's caramel apple and a snow cone and that was it- no cotton candy, no corn dogs or curly fries....I think I forgot something- or saved my stomach from some pain later tonight- not sure which- probably a little of both! Did accomplish a few things- got dh a new/replacement wedding band that I had wanted to do for his birthday back in June- he likes it and I like it and it is pretty- we are both happy. And I only had one small brief anxiety type episode that was handled gracefully by myself quite quickly- I believe that I am definitely ready for the concert next week! I also was able to talk to an old friend's Mom about him and his daughter (she is going to be 7! she was 2 1/2 almost 3 when he was killed by a drunk driver) and about his sister who also recently passed- was able to do all of this without completely breaking down while standing in front of his mangled car- I think a big accomplishment on my part- although I am starting to tear up now thinking about it. I miss him and his sister even though I hadn't seen them for a very long time, they will always hold very special places in my heart.

The miracle of the salon and the energy of girlfriends!

It has always amazed me how good you feel after getting even a simple haircut, sometimes even just getting your hair washed when you are sick. But yesterday I spent 2 1/2 hours with my hair stylist (I love Mark) getting my hair done- yes I admit, my red is no longer mine, it comes from a bottle, but I know that originally I am a true red head! Anyway, getting to hear the other chaos going on, hearing about his family- his wife will be starting back to school next semester to get her pre-req's done for nursing- talking about just life in general. I felt normal again yesterday, I loved it- for those 2 1/2 hours I wasn't crazy me, I was normal me, no anxiety, nothing. Salons and spas have magical powers you should all try them at least once in awhile, that should be a prescription from the psychiatrist and covered by insurance- but let's not go there- I am in a happy place. :)

Then after having a wonderful afternoon (not wearing my brace at all by the way- my wrist is feeling much better- still sore, but not like it was.), I spent the evening with my Circle of Girlfriends- and one that had not been able to come because of scheduling conflicts was there- we were missing one physically (because she is in Seattle for I am sure a beautiful wedding) but she was there in spirit! So very soon all 7 of us will be together for an 'event' and will be so full of energy! We made so many plans for the future it was amazing to do that, to look forward to the future with so many hopes and not be afraid.

No I am not looking at in ways of going back to work- that still terrifies me greatly- nursing I mean. But also I usually don't make it through family functions without an anxiety attack- so we'll see what happens today at the fair. But last night with my circle I felt normal for the first time in months- I did cry, because it was also the first time I felt like I used to, like a normal human- like the old Sara. I loved it! I hope it continues and continues..........

If it really matters......

If anyone but me looks or cares- just kidding, but really- right now I don't care, but I should. But lets face it, I do have a few more pressing issues going on in my life right now and this has taken the very back seat unfortunately- and I mean the furthest seat back that you can go. I have gained all but 1.4 lbs of my weight back all that hard work for nothing. Oh well, guess it's time to start over yet again. 

Waiting for something else

Well, I can type a little better today. I didn't go to the doc yesterday, no one had room to see me, or I went the wrong ER for the on-call ortho to see me were the excuses I got, whatever. I got a different brace from doc dad- he has tons :) so now my hand/wrist feels better and I have more movement.

Now I am waiting for the time to go by for him to come and get me for my weekly psych visit- this one should be fun considering my hand is a big part of it.

Waiting

Arm/hand still hurting, so now I am attempting to wait patiently for ortho to contact me back about an appt.

This is my newest 'toy'.....I got frustrated the other night (Friday) after an argument and decided to hit some walls at our house- I know not the smartest the thing- and yes I learned my lesson.....at least I didn't break anything in the house or on me.

Prayers Please

Please hold a dear friend of mine in your thoughts whatever your beliefs- she needs them. 

Brightest Blessings.

More Paperwork........

I know that docs hate paperwork, but don't take it out on the patient- because social security has multiple questions is not my fault! But any way, the process is continuing....

Filed for benefits round 1 done.

Well, went today and filed for social security benefits today. Went better than I thought that it would. So, now we wait, the woman helping me told me that it could take anywhere from 90 to 120 days. We'll see.

My Recent Project! Finished- Almost......

Well, my dh built me this beautiful swing for my birthday last year and it has just been getting weathered- not horrible but not exactly what either of wanted.

So, I decided I needed a project.......the painting is finished so now all I have left to do is three, yes 3 coats of polyurethene to protect the painting from the elements.....not excited. But it will finish it off and then it will be so cool!

career ended?

It is scary to realize when watching a tv show that your life long dream, your career terrifies the hell out of you when you realize or believe that what used to make you happy scares you to tears.

Big and Scary- Thank the Goddess for Friends

This morning I had the biggest, I mean the biggest out of control anxiety, panic attack or whatever you what you want to call it- it went to the point of me having suicidal thoughts and expressions, and express them is what I did.
Currently I am exhausted from the days events; I at one point believed that I was going to be admitted inpatient to be protected from myself or keep my husband from freaking out completing. I asked him to contact my psychiatrist this morning for help because I was at a loss- I knew that I was past helping myself and was scared of what I might do if left alone.
I was taken by one of my friends from circle to a woman today that is both a psychic and has a psychology background. I was taught to ground among other things. It was a beautiful experience, one that I will never forget or regret.
Now, am just tired for the night, embarrassed about scaring my friends and family, and confused. No I am not going to hurt myself- I am just tired.

confused

i tried to play some of my really old piano pieces today to help me to relax- well.... i couldn't or wasn't able to play them. it actually scared me, these are pieces that i have played for over 10 years, some memorized and now it is like they are brand new to me? i don't understand- i don't like this, i don't like this at all.

Miracles can and do happen!

I just got a message from one of my original circle of infertility friends! She is pregnant!!!!!! I am so very happy for her, she has been through so much, trying to adopt- and now she is blessed with a baby, her own baby- bless the goddess! Congrats Jenny- I mean it with all of my heart and soul!

I hurt my back- it sucks!

But only when they don't make you feel like your really good- I be on drugs now..... I did something to my back it sucks- it hurts, spent the day with my Dad. Actually wasn't bad because of the drugs






I am and my back still hurts but I don't give a rats ass- oh yeah filter broken........

Life

Last night, well yesterday actually dh had to call my parents for the first time to get away from me. I actually drove my dh away, not permanently luckily, but enough that he had to get me away from him for a time or risk leaving. My manic episodes have increased, so my psych and I are trying to adjust my abilify dose to the correct dose for me, right now I go from mania to anxiety which basically means go, go, go, go then all of a sudden I am exhausted and need a nap or 'crash'. So that is where I am at this time. Hopefully something changes, or gets a little better, or a little more livable. 

Newest Addition to the Family- Please Don't Copy :)

Let me introduce you to Galen and Deanna Kasel- my baby cousin got married on my hubby and I's 11th anniversary, but I wouldn't mind sharing it with any other couple! They are so sweet and I love them both tons! And they are both just so darn cute- this is just a proof I 'borrowed' from the photographer- Jason Ropp- he did an amazing job- I think the ? mark says don't copy- so please (don't know why you would) don't do that- but had to share my newest family member with you all- because she is beautiful and amazing- they truly complete each other!

The 'Step-Mom' Email

Well, even though she isn't technically dh's step-mom, I think she would make a great one and will become a part of our family. She sent a picture of herself to dh today and she is a beautiful person again with a beautiful soul. Dh is sending her a link to his journal and our hand fast montage from last year as those are our most recent pictures until the wedding photos come up some time this week. She sounds like she shares some of the same views that we do. Maybe we can all meet someday.

The Party!

Well, he knew all about, but let me think that he didn't- I love him! So he wasn't surprised, but he was able to spend his 40th birthday with a bunch people that care about him, so it all worked out very well.

We got a phone call before the party from dh's half-brothers' Mom- she looked us up. Dh's bio-dad passed away about 4 years ago- they had not seen each other or talked to another for over 30+ years and when we finally tracked him down he had a massive heart attack 4 days later and died. So now any info we can get comes from other people. Well, dh and this new person in his life talked on the phone this morning for almost 2 hours- the conversation was beautiful- they had looked off and on for him, just as we had looked for them over the years. I can't think of any better of a birthday present that dh could have gotten than to learn that his Dad did think about him over the years and did regret the pain that he caused and to gain 'new' family. Happy Birthday honey.

Back from the wedding-

Well, the baby of the family is now married and it was absolutely beautiful- I will post pics later. They were married on the beach and it was a beautiful sunny day, I am so happy to share my anniversary with them- they are both so special- I cried! Their guest book was a scrapbook that everyone made a page for, I made 2- one with pics of my cousin growing up and then a special page telling about how I married my best friend 11 years and now today (that day) he was marrying his best friend- it a pic from our wedding and one from their wedding announcement- today is my honey's 40th birthday and we are having a surprise party for him- will blog about that tomorrow. So far it is still a surprise :)

Tick Tock, Tick Tock....

It is 3:45 AM and I have now been awake for over an hour and a half! I am tired, would so much rather be asleep, but I am awake- I even just made breakfast, if you can call it that at this hour.

Today is a good day.

Today I got up at 5:30 AM (after going to bed at 1:30 AM) and did my AM Yoga DVD- then I still felt great and had energy so I woke dh up at around 6:45 AM and asked if he would like to go for a walk before it got to warm (yes, it is finally going to warm up here- we are scheduled for about 5 days of Summer!), he actually agreed! So around 7:30 or so we went for a 15 minute walk around the neighborhood- it felt great! Then I came back, pulled some weeds and then came inside and baked some Watermelon Muffins. They are currently cooling and dh is actually out doing a project in the yard- it is a good day!

Good Days and Bad Days

Well this pretty much describes my moods and life right now. I have to admit that it much easier letting my true self through, but sometimes it is very scary and embarrassing. 

Yesterday I had my first breakdown in front of my Dad- and it made HIM nervous, how do you think it made me feel?! It wasn't so thrilling or joyful for me either. All I was trying to do was explain that I might at some point or that my fear is that I might at some point have to go further than a psychiatrist- I may need inpatient therapy. I attempted to explain that I cut and colored my hair to keep some control in life- or do something that I have control over. Note to self- do not talk about anything like that with my Dad ever again- it did not go so well- he started yelling, I started crying, then he started to yell at me to stop crying- well that doesn't help. You get the picture. So he went into the pharmacy by himself and left in the truck to 'finish' my crying 'fit'. Well as per normal I relaxed eventually and then fell asleep. 

Having a mental disorder sucks, it makes life confusing, being happy isn't just happy- you have to ask yourself or what until someone tells you that you need to calm down because you are being manic- so what I thought was happy was actually out of control mania- life around our house is never predictable anymore. I am afraid to have people over unless they KNOW, and even then I am afraid to have them over for fear that I will make an ass or fool or both or hell just annoy the crap out of them like I do to my husband on an almost daily basis. 

No I am not going to do anything stupid, that is why I choose to cut my hair and get it colored- I have never colored my hair before, and had always vowed that I would never do that to my hair (causes too much damage, blah blah blah blah) and now I am so excited about the possibilities that I can do with my hair color- things that I never had the guts to do before. I can do this and not hurt anyone or myself. I had also thought about getting a new tattoo- the amount of money that I spent getting my hair done I could have gotten a great tattoo, but I wanted to get it for the wrong reasons right now- you see my first one didn't hurt, it was just annoying and kind of tickled, I wanted it this time to see if it would hurt, to see if I could feel the pain- that is not the reason to get one- not the reason I want to get my next one. 

Yes, these are some of the random thoughts that rattle through my head every day- fun huh?! NOT, I saw my psych yesterday- my Abilify got increased- I am now up to 10 mg every day, today was the first day that I took that much and I spent the day sleeping, don't know if it was from the med increase or if it still from being completely wiped out yesterday. Having basic side effects from my other meds- mainly dry mouth and insomnia- like Wednesday, I didn't GO to bed until 5 AM (yes Thursday morning) then got back up at 8 AM (yep, 3 hours later) because I was wide awake. I took catnaps here and there in the truck while my Dad took me around to my doctor appointments and then I didn't take anything to drink with me so I didn't take my anxiety med when I was supposed to and by the time we were done and sitting in the pharmacy for the second time (I didn't have a breakdown this time- I got to go in) I was starting to have a panic attack and get really anxious- so when the pharmacist finally got all my meds filled we had to go over to McDonald's to get a drink so that I could take my anxiety meds so that I wouldn't flip out on the 20 minute (felt like 2 hours) drive home. 

I guess I finally crashed at about 8:45 PM with the start of a headache (after telling the pain doc that I had been doing great) and slept pretty much all night with the occasional wake ups here and there- but did not get up until almost 7 AM this morning- that is the longest that I have slept in over 2 weeks! And then I still slept most of the day today. Go figure. But hey that is my life lately in a nutshell.

New Haircut and Color.....

Feeling okay

Well, so far, so good. Thank you to the anon. commenter- I guess that was something that would have been nice to know 3 years ago when we had our first loss- but supposedly that was one of the safe meds to be on. I had originally been on 3 BP meds at the same time (I had very high out of control BP) we got me off of the 2 that were incompatible with pregnancy and kept me on the verapamil as it was the safest- now I guess it wasn't so safe after all. Well, too late now- I am supposed to be seeing my GYN sometime soon for my yearly- I will have to ask him about it.

Anyway, I am not sure if the abilify is kicking in or not- I think that it is trying- I am having better days than before- but I am still having bad days- I am starting to have manic days that are very noticeable. My last one was 2 days ago- I got my hair cut and colored- I will post pictures- I think it turned out really cute- I know have bangs and the color is very cool! It is kind of a dark black cherry- I love and the guy (Mark) that did the color and the cut was tons of fun- I can't wait to go back and see him again in 6-8 weeks to get a touch-up, it is kind of addicting- we are thinking of doing something different with the color of bangs- leaving the rest of my hair dark and something lighter with my bangs- it is so exciting- I had never colored my hair before- it was exhilarating .

So far so good

Today is a good day- I am getting things organized around the house, a big accomplishment for me- makes me feel a lot less overwhelmed. I am a virgo and like to have things organized and in their place, makes me feel calm and relaxed- so far so good- hopefully things will continue this way- I am really trying to be optimistic.

New Meds

Saw the actual psychiatrist today- for a whole 10 minutes to find out that he too believes that I am taking too many pills. Yesterday after seeing the diet doc I have started the taper to stop the phentermine over the next 5 weeks. Today the psych increased my Abilify to 5 mg and my Klonopin to 1 mg at bedtime. So we will see how things go with all of this and follow up in 2 weeks with the psych.

New Med Regimen

Well after seeing the doctor today, I will be starting to taper off of the diet meds- I will be continuing to diet on my own. I have changed my eating habits- I am drinking fresh fruit and vegetable juices and cooking better, healthier foods for the most part when I have the energy to do so. 

But at least I will be cutting down from 23 pills a day to 21 pills a day over the next 5 weeks. Hopefully I continue to lose weight- I am also down another inch in the waist so we'll see what happens.

Also hopefully dh is able to pull out of his funk and get back to himself and not lose his job because of my psychotic issues- I am having enough issues with this- yes I was taught to share, but this was not what my parents had in mind- I am trying to support him and keep what little bit of sanity I have left- but my breakdowns are coming more and more often- maybe MIL was right- maybe he would be better off without me- I feel like I would be better off without me- but I can't escape myself, I am stuck with my brain and waiting for the meds to kick in or for the psych to find the right meds- which I see the psych tomorrow morning- so hopefully something good will come out of all of this hell. For right now what is coming out of it is that dh is in the other room not talking me and I am in the living room by myself trying not to cry- I hate my life.

Made a decision

I have decided to stop taking the diet meds. I have an appointment with the diet doc on Thursday and will be discussing it with them then. These are the only meds that I am taking that are optional- so for financial and personal reasons- I think that I am taking too much medication right now- I am going to stop them for a while, continue to diet and exercise on my own and see how that goes.

My Journey..... I've Been Tagged!

4 Things I Did 10 Years Ago (1998):

1. Bought the house with dh- hard to believe that we have been here for 10 years already. This has to be the biggest event that happened 10 years ago!

2. The next big thing was that I finally started working towards my nursing degree- I became a CNA- so I didn't finish my degree and I worked as a CNA for the next 5 1/2- 6 years.

3. We thought about going off of the depo, but MIL found out and had a hissy fit- stayed on it for another year.

4. DH and I celebrated our one-year anniversary. We thawed out the top of our wedding cake- it was bad! DH didn't get me a card, because we were short on cash after buying the house so we had decided not to really do anything big-I told him he didn't need to get me a gift- but you'd think he'd at least have gotten me a card or at least made me one-he is a graphic artist after all and is a computer nerd- I sent him a card on the computer- but I got nothing- his defense- 'well you told me not to get you anything' whatever.... we went to the Anniversary Inn for our 2nd and 4th anniversaries- it has been made up for- mostly ;)

4 Things I Did 5 Years Ago (2003):

1. I graduated from TVCC as a Practical Nurse! One more year to go until I have my ADN- yep, I am finally doing it!

2. I had my appendix removed the day I was supposed to be taking my Summer Quarter Final for the nursing program. I was attempting to bribe nursing staff, my dh, any one to let me go and take my final- I wasn't having surgery until 4:30 p.m. and my final was in the morning- I promised that I would come back- that was when they started pumping me full of morphine and admitted my butt because they were afraid that I was going to sneak out of the hospital and find my way to Ontario to take that test.

3. Had my 10th High School Reunion- that I missed because I was in the hospital having my appendectomy. I did get great pictures of my appendix though.

4. 2 weeks after having my appendectomy I started a new job at the local hospital where I worked every Friday and Saturday night for the last 10 months of nursing school and confirmed just how much I hated working on med/surg.

4 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Started working on one of the two personalized baby quilts that I am making for friends.

2. Finally heard back from Employee Health and found out that after I had a major deadline that the hospital I work for still hasn't made a decision regarding my long term disability.

3. Had a major breakdown- decided that I don't want to do the quilts anymore, freaked out dh with the breakdown.

4. Slept off and on until 4:30 p.m. (which is why I am still awake at 5:30 a.m.) then just laid on the couch, decided to finally update my blog, and that is about it.

4 Shows I Love To Watch:

1. Ghost Whisperer

2. Reno 911!

3. Hell's Kitchen

4. South Park

4 Things That Make Me Really Happy:

1. Napping, especially when DH can join me

2. When my roses start to bloom

3. My kitties when they are snuggling up with me and being purry

4. When I have a good day

Now to think of 4 friends to tag:

1. Miss E.

2. Trying for Baby

3. plan b:

4. life from here....

I chose these 4 friends because they bloggers that I regularly follow and thought that they would enjoy this :)

I Am Back, I Am Scared, I Am Confused, and It's Official

Well after being away for almost a month- I think that I am finally ready to write about what has been happening in my life. As of May 10th I am no longer an NICU nurse- since my FMLA ended or ran out on that date- I was notified by the department director a few days later that she had to terminate me from my position in the NICU. I have been on unpaid medical leave with my position protected by the FMLA. 

I am still technically employed by the hospital, my leave has been transferred to unpaid position unprotected personal leave of absence and if I am able to go back to work I am eligible to go back to work at this hospital if there is a position available that I am qualified for, but my leave of absence must end by August 2nd. I honestly don't know if I will be ready to go back to work by then, we will just have to wait and see. I still don't know anything about my long-term disability, I found out today that my case has not yet been decided, I might hear something next week or the following week- but they don't know or weren't willing to tell me if my benefits would be retroactive or not- would be nice to know since I have not received a paycheck since the beginning of March. Oh well, it is only money right.
And it is finally official- I have my psychiatric diagnosis and honestly it is not what I expected or had prepared myself for, but then again how do you prepare yourself for something that life-changing? I am not exactly sure on the exact diagnosis as you tend to block that type of thing out when you hear the words coming out of the practitioners mouth- I am seeing the nurse practitioner at this time, see her one more time then she goes on maternity leave and I start seeing the actual psychiatrist (he has been on vacation and they did not think that I should wait for him to return). 

Anyway, when I see her in a few days I will be having her write down my diagnosis and also my dh will be going with me so I am sure he will have questions for her since I had a huge breakdown today and called him at work bawling and freaking out after attempting to start a cross-stitch project for a couple of friends that have had babies in the last few months. I don't know what happened, I got started and everything was going okay, I finished two rows of what will hopefully end up being a personalized baby quilt and all of a sudden I didn't want to do it anymore, I was completely overwhelmed by the whole thing and just didn't want to do it- this is something that is one of my hobbies, or at least used to be- after I called dh and probably freaked him out I was just so exhausted I wanted to take a nap, so I went to sleep for a couple of hours.
So what is my diagnosis-well, I actually have several, from nursing school I remember that they start with a diagnosis DSM-IV and then an axis and something else, but I honestly can't remember how it all works. So here is what I do know, I have been diagnosed with Adult ADHD, Severe Depression and Bipolar Type 2 with OCD Tendencies. I have always known about the depression, so that was expected, my pain doctor had mentioned OCD and I have always wondered about that, so I was kind of expecting that too. But the ADHD which shouldn't have been a big deal had never been brought up- that caught me off guard a little, but the biggest shock was the bipolar diagnosis. My pain doctor had briefly brought it up but then said he highly doubted it- so then when she officially said that I did have that it scared me, and I began to wonder how she came up with that- I vaguely remember something about her saying that I was on the low end of the spectrum- I guess that was because I haven't had a huge psychotic break/episode yet. I just have the really low lows and then have the sort of manic episodes- but not completely out of control- I am just frustrating dh because I can't stop talking sometimes, or I can't find the right words to explain myself.
If he thinks that he is frustrated, he should try living in my brain- how the hell does he think I feel?! I have a freaking college degree- how I have that I really don't know right now, I can't function as a nurse, I honestly don't know if or when I will be able to, and that scares the hell out of me, it really does- I was always the one that knew what they were going to be when they grew up- and now all I feel is completely lost and scared. Somedays all I want to do, all I have the energy to do is get out of bed only to curl up on the couch for the rest of the day. I then feel guilty when dh gets home and asks what did you do all day? I try to do things, really I do, but when you have no energy or get completely exhausted after emptying the dishwasher and then reloading it and feeding the cats- I agree it is pathetic- but what am I supposed to do? I am doing my best, I really am- sometimes I don't think he believes me that I am. I know that he is working hard everyday at his job and then has to come and deal with me. 

I am already on my second mood stabilizer- I had an allergic reaction to the first one, Lamictal, - it actually landed me in the ER, I ended up with blisters, itching, major pressure in my neck and head- I have never had a headache that bad, I know have a new reference for my worst pain for the pain scale- they actually gave me Ativan because I was crying uncontrollably and writhing in pain when they were trying to take me to have a CT- but because I have a history of chronic headaches that is all the doctor and the nurses in the ER would look at even with me telling them it wasn't a headache- but why should you listen to the patient, especially a patient that is obviously just a pain seeker that is being a drama queen- I think it did help when dh told the nurse- to put things into perspective, that I was trying to bribe people to let me leave the hospital when I had appendicitis so that I could go and take my nursing final, the nurse finally looked somewhat shocked that maybe I wasn't acting- maybe I really was in that much pain. But whatever- they just pumped me full of pain meds, stuff for nausea and the Ativan to make me relax- well they did that for sure- my heart rate kept dropping into the low 40's. 

When he told his mom about what was going on she just told him point blank that maybe he should take a look at our relationship and do what was best for him- basically get out now. Thanks a lot MIL, after all that dh and I have been through over the past 11 almost 12 yrs (we were together for a yr prior to getting married- we will celebrate our 11th anniversary next month), she has been sure our marriage was never going to last from day one. She is mostly embarrassed of anything that is not perfect- well maybe she should take a look at herself. Any time we call before 5 p.m. their time (they live in Michigan) she has already had 2 or 3 drinks- would you like some gin with your vodka? No, I know I shouldn't be saying bad things against her, it doesn't make me any better- but you know I am terribly sorry that your son fell in love with a barren crazy person- with me not working I highly doubt that you will have to worry about me visiting and you having to explain anything to the rest of the family anytime soon. So the horrible dark family secret should be safely hidden for several more years, or at least until I am well controlled on medications.
I just wish that it didn't take so long for medications to start to work, because I honestly don't feel better- I did for a few days, now I feel miserable again. I cry at the drop of a hat, I am irritable, I know that I must be really pleasant to be around right now. My current mood stabilizer, Abilify, has not yet kicked in- I have been on it for about a week- it has wonderful side effects- none of which I have experienced yet, and none of which I hope to experience. The Cymbalta that I have been taking since January doesn't seem to be working- I have mentioned this multiple times and all that happens is that my pain doctor wants to let the psych deal with it because he doesn't deal with psych issues and thinks that the psych will be able to handle it better- then the psych lowers the dose because she doesn't think I need to be on 90 mg a day, she thinks that that kind of a dose is more for pain than for depression- and since I am no longer having as many migraines then I should be on a lower dose, so I am now taking 60 mg a day- I am not sure the difference because I really don't feel any different on the 60 vs the 90 mg. I hate taking pills, I keep screwing them up, dh has actually written down what I take and how many so that when I fill my weekly pill holder I don't make a mistake. I am almost 33 yrs old and I take more pills than either of my grandmothers' did- neither of my parents take as many pills as I take- it is sad.
Well, I started this blog with the pills that I was taking for weight loss and such so I guess that I will re-start this blog with the same- if anyone is still reading this be prepared- no this is not a joke, this really is my daily pill regimen.

AM

• Calcium + Vitamin D 500 mg x 1
• Multivitamin                                  x 1
• Flaxseed Oil   1000 mg         x 1
• Chromium Nicotinate 200 mcg x 1
• Baby Aspirin 81 mg x 1
• Klonopin 0.5 mg x 1
• Cymbalta 60 mg x 1
• Abilify 2 mg x 1

NOON

• Phentermine 37.5 mg x 1/2

3 P.M.

• Phentermine 37.5 mg x 1/2
• Klonopin 0.5 mg x 1

EVENING/DINNER

• Chromium Nicotinate  200 mcg x 1
• Calcium + Vitamin D 500 mg x 1
• Glucophage 500 mg x 1

BEDTIME

• Glucophage 500 mg x 1
• Klonopin 0.5 mg        x 1
• Topamax 100 mg x 3
• Verapamil HS 240 mg x 1
• Zyrtec 10 mg x 1
• Singulair 10 mg x 1
• Stool Softener 100 mg x 1-3

PRN

• Klonopin 1 mg x 1 at bedtime
• Actiq 400 mcg x 1 for severe migraine
• Epipen 0.3 mcg x 1-2 for anaphylactic reaction
• Benadryl 75- 100 mg x 1 for allergic reactions and/or nausea
• Pepcid 40 mg x 1 for severe and/or anaphylactic reaction
• ProAir MDI 2 puffs x every 4 hours to control asthma
• DuoNeb 1-2 ampuls x every 4 to 6 hours to control asthma
• AccuNeb 1-2 ampuls x every 4 to 6 hours to control asthma

Well, I think that those are plenty of pills- considering I hate taking pills! So this is my life now, pills when I get up in the morning, at 11 a.m., 3 p.m., around 5 p.m. or whenever we have dinner and then when I go to bed- oh but that's the funny thing. I don't really sleep at night that much anymore- take tonight- I started writing this around 10:30 p.m. and it is now 2 a.m. I might if I am lucky sleep for an hour or so around 5 or 6 a.m., but my Mom is coming over at 10 a.m. to help me with COBRA paperwork and to help me clean out some rooms go through some clothes and a few other projects that have become completely overwhelming to me. It is pretty sad I can't really function much on my own anymore- my Dad who is basically retired calls to check on me everyday to make sure that I am doing okay, that I don't need anything, that I don't need to go anywhere- because for whatever reason- I stopped driving in February. 

DH and my Dad are after me continuously to just get over it and go out and drive- I am terrified that I am going to kill someone- I see the car as a couple hundred pound weapon not a mode of transportation, I can't get them to understand that- see I was diagnosed with a sleep disorder similar to narcolepsy called CNS hypersomnolence about 8 or 9 yrs ago, the medication Provigil that is used to treat this disorder is not pleasant, I fortunately HAD to stop it when we were ttc 3 to 4 yrs ago- I tend to fall asleep while driving- anyway I used to have a really bad habit of doing so, and I am terrified to do so again and not be so lucky this time around. 

Well, I think that I have babbled and updated enough for now. Weight loss wise, I have hit a wall- partly self-inflicted due to being bombarded by all of this, but I have dropped clothing sizes, so I am not to concerned- my Mom took me shopping last weekend and we got a dress for my youngest cousin's upcoming wedding (which happens to be taking place on mine and dh's anniversary, at least it wasn't last year when we were renewing our vows), the dress came from the Misses section- I honestly can't remember the last time I got anything from that section and had it fit as well as this does- and the size, I haven't worn this size in like 10 yrs or more- I am wearing clothes that I was going to donate to charity because they didn't fit, my Mom has had to take in several pairs of my jeans and many pairs of capris and other outfits that I haven't worn in a very long time are fitting again, I have gone down a shoe size and my skirt and petticoat from Seattle are too big now- I am very excited.

So there are some good things happening in my life, just not too many right now. DH has all of next week off, so hopefully I don't drive him nuts, but we can spend some time together and he can see what I do spend my day doing.