And it is finally official- I have my psychiatric diagnosis and honestly it is not what I expected or had prepared myself for, but then again how do you prepare yourself for something that life-changing? I am not exactly sure on the exact diagnosis as you tend to block that type of thing out when you hear the words coming out of the practitioners mouth- I am seeing the nurse practitioner at this time, see her one more time then she goes on maternity leave and I start seeing the actual psychiatrist (he has been on vacation and they did not think that I should wait for him to return).
So what is my diagnosis-well, I actually have several, from nursing school I remember that they start with a diagnosis DSM-IV and then an axis and something else, but I honestly can't remember how it all works. So here is what I do know, I have been diagnosed with Adult ADHD, Severe Depression and Bipolar Type 2 with OCD Tendencies. I have always known about the depression, so that was expected, my pain doctor had mentioned OCD and I have always wondered about that, so I was kind of expecting that too. But the ADHD which shouldn't have been a big deal had never been brought up- that caught me off guard a little, but the biggest shock was the bipolar diagnosis. My pain doctor had briefly brought it up but then said he highly doubted it- so then when she officially said that I did have that it scared me, and I began to wonder how she came up with that- I vaguely remember something about her saying that I was on the low end of the spectrum- I guess that was because I haven't had a huge psychotic break/episode yet. I just have the really low lows and then have the sort of manic episodes- but not completely out of control- I am just frustrating dh because I can't stop talking sometimes, or I can't find the right words to explain myself.
If he thinks that he is frustrated, he should try living in my brain- how the hell does he think I feel?! I have a freaking college degree- how I have that I really don't know right now, I can't function as a nurse, I honestly don't know if or when I will be able to, and that scares the hell out of me, it really does- I was always the one that knew what they were going to be when they grew up- and now all I feel is completely lost and scared. Somedays all I want to do, all I have the energy to do is get out of bed only to curl up on the couch for the rest of the day. I then feel guilty when dh gets home and asks what did you do all day? I try to do things, really I do, but when you have no energy or get completely exhausted after emptying the dishwasher and then reloading it and feeding the cats- I agree it is pathetic- but what am I supposed to do? I am doing my best, I really am- sometimes I don't think he believes me that I am. I know that he is working hard everyday at his job and then has to come and deal with me.
I just wish that it didn't take so long for medications to start to work, because I honestly don't feel better- I did for a few days, now I feel miserable again. I cry at the drop of a hat, I am irritable, I know that I must be really pleasant to be around right now. My current mood stabilizer, Abilify, has not yet kicked in- I have been on it for about a week- it has wonderful side effects- none of which I have experienced yet, and none of which I hope to experience. The Cymbalta that I have been taking since January doesn't seem to be working- I have mentioned this multiple times and all that happens is that my pain doctor wants to let the psych deal with it because he doesn't deal with psych issues and thinks that the psych will be able to handle it better- then the psych lowers the dose because she doesn't think I need to be on 90 mg a day, she thinks that that kind of a dose is more for pain than for depression- and since I am no longer having as many migraines then I should be on a lower dose, so I am now taking 60 mg a day- I am not sure the difference because I really don't feel any different on the 60 vs the 90 mg. I hate taking pills, I keep screwing them up, dh has actually written down what I take and how many so that when I fill my weekly pill holder I don't make a mistake. I am almost 33 yrs old and I take more pills than either of my grandmothers' did- neither of my parents take as many pills as I take- it is sad.
Well, I started this blog with the pills that I was taking for weight loss and such so I guess that I will re-start this blog with the same- if anyone is still reading this be prepared- no this is not a joke, this really is my daily pill regimen.
- Calcium + Vitamin D 500 mg x 1
- Multivitamin x 1
- Flaxseed Oil 1000 mg x 1
- Chromium Nicotinate 200 mcg x 1
- Baby Aspirin 81 mg x 1
- Klonopin 0.5 mg x 1
- Cymbalta 60 mg x 1
- Abilify 2 mg x 1
- Phentermine 37.5 mg x 1/2
- Glucophage 500 mg x 1
- Klonopin 0.5 mg x 1
- Topamax 100 mg x 3
- HS 240 mg x 1
- Zyrtec 10 mg x 1
- Singulair 10 mg x 1
- Stool Softener 100 mg x 1-3
- Klonopin 1 mg x 1 at bedtime
- Actiq 400 mcg x 1 for severe migraine
- Epipen 0.3 mcg x 1-2 for anaphylactic reaction
- Benadryl 75- 100 mg x 1 for allergic reactions and/or nausea
- Pepcid 40 mg x 1 for severe and/or anaphylactic reaction
- ProAir MDI 2 puffs x every 4 hours to control asthma
- DuoNeb 1-2 ampuls x every 4 to 6 hours to control asthma
- AccuNeb 1-2 ampuls x every 4 to 6 hours to control asthma