Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Saw the Counselor....
Well, I saw the counselor yesterday with my Dad and my husband. It was okay, I just didn't know how it would go since I have never seen a counselor before. I have been to a couple different psychs before but they just did medication but didn't really talk to me that much.
So her goal is to get a handle on this big blob of crud- I think that is what we are calling the crap that is running or ruining my life right now - not me- and see if we can get my life back.
She seems very nice, hubby feels that the session went well, I guess that I am still not sure about everything- I think it went okay, I don't know what I was expecting- a major healing all in one sitting- who knows, I see her again next week with just me and hubby and then maybe we can get to the root of some problems, like what triggered all of this shit in the first place. I know that I have always been a little nuts and was just really good at hiding it and pretending that everything was hunky dory but something big either with life or work or a combination of the two had to have happened to make me go off the deep end completely to where I am now- and I don't like where I am now.
We talked about my fear of returning to work, driving, leaving the house, and loosing my friends all of it is now out in the open. I even admitted to all of the suicide attempts and thoughts that I have had since I was a child (age 11 or 12) and that is a huge one that I have kept hidden from lots of people for a long time. I am starting to open up about scaring things because I know that without doing so I am not going to get any better- it doesn't make me a scary person- it just makes me I don't know a person with scary thoughts going on inside her head sometimes that are being reined in to be less scary.
I know that I have a huge circle of girlfriends that love and support me, and they are who I am most afraid of loosing- I know that they are there for, but one of my biggest fears is that one day I will somehow chase them away. I know that this is an irrational fear and have been told so many times- but it is one that I can't get out of my head.