Good Days and Bad Days

Well this pretty much describes my moods and life right now. I have to admit that it much easier letting my true self through, but sometimes it is very scary and embarrassing. 

Yesterday I had my first breakdown in front of my Dad- and it made HIM nervous, how do you think it made me feel?! It wasn't so thrilling or joyful for me either. All I was trying to do was explain that I might at some point or that my fear is that I might at some point have to go further than a psychiatrist- I may need inpatient therapy. I attempted to explain that I cut and colored my hair to keep some control in life- or do something that I have control over. Note to self- do not talk about anything like that with my Dad ever again- it did not go so well- he started yelling, I started crying, then he started to yell at me to stop crying- well that doesn't help. You get the picture. So he went into the pharmacy by himself and left in the truck to 'finish' my crying 'fit'. Well as per normal I relaxed eventually and then fell asleep. 

Having a mental disorder sucks, it makes life confusing, being happy isn't just happy- you have to ask yourself or what until someone tells you that you need to calm down because you are being manic- so what I thought was happy was actually out of control mania- life around our house is never predictable anymore. I am afraid to have people over unless they KNOW, and even then I am afraid to have them over for fear that I will make an ass or fool or both or hell just annoy the crap out of them like I do to my husband on an almost daily basis. 

No I am not going to do anything stupid, that is why I choose to cut my hair and get it colored- I have never colored my hair before, and had always vowed that I would never do that to my hair (causes too much damage, blah blah blah blah) and now I am so excited about the possibilities that I can do with my hair color- things that I never had the guts to do before. I can do this and not hurt anyone or myself. I had also thought about getting a new tattoo- the amount of money that I spent getting my hair done I could have gotten a great tattoo, but I wanted to get it for the wrong reasons right now- you see my first one didn't hurt, it was just annoying and kind of tickled, I wanted it this time to see if it would hurt, to see if I could feel the pain- that is not the reason to get one- not the reason I want to get my next one. 

Yes, these are some of the random thoughts that rattle through my head every day- fun huh?! NOT, I saw my psych yesterday- my Abilify got increased- I am now up to 10 mg every day, today was the first day that I took that much and I spent the day sleeping, don't know if it was from the med increase or if it still from being completely wiped out yesterday. Having basic side effects from my other meds- mainly dry mouth and insomnia- like Wednesday, I didn't GO to bed until 5 AM (yes Thursday morning) then got back up at 8 AM (yep, 3 hours later) because I was wide awake. I took catnaps here and there in the truck while my Dad took me around to my doctor appointments and then I didn't take anything to drink with me so I didn't take my anxiety med when I was supposed to and by the time we were done and sitting in the pharmacy for the second time (I didn't have a breakdown this time- I got to go in) I was starting to have a panic attack and get really anxious- so when the pharmacist finally got all my meds filled we had to go over to McDonald's to get a drink so that I could take my anxiety meds so that I wouldn't flip out on the 20 minute (felt like 2 hours) drive home. 

I guess I finally crashed at about 8:45 PM with the start of a headache (after telling the pain doc that I had been doing great) and slept pretty much all night with the occasional wake ups here and there- but did not get up until almost 7 AM this morning- that is the longest that I have slept in over 2 weeks! And then I still slept most of the day today. Go figure. But hey that is my life lately in a nutshell.