Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I don't know what it going on in my head lately I just feel like everything is too big to handle. My husband I know is probably attributing this to the fact that we have an anniversary coming up soon- but honestly that is not what is bothering me- I know that our sweet angel is in a better place, and that brings me comfort.
I don't know if it is that I am thinking too much of a dear friend and want to take away her pain and know that I can't.
I am just tired and want a break- but if I tell that to my family then I feel guilty, because what do I do that I need a break? I had hoped that once all this disability crap was finalized things would be easier- but they are just more stressful. I received a significant amount in back pay from the government, but it technically isn't mine- I have to give it all to the hospital I worked for to pay for the money that they have been giving to me the last two years. I am ready to just say have it all- just get it out of my life, but they are giving us a chance to pay off some bills with it a portion of it then we will give them the rest and they will just adjust what they will continue to pay me until October of next year. I hate that money causes so much stress. I feel like I am in a hole and the opening keeps getting further and further away.
We have done one camping event this year and will going on another in a few weeks- I just don't have the motivation to want to go- last trip I was medicated a majority of the time and don't want to be that way this time around- but my stupid headaches just won't let me be. I just a nice quiet and relaxing vacation somewhere other than here- but that just isn't in the budget now or any time in the future.
I feel guilty that I got the disability- and I don't know why- I just worked so hard to accomplish my dreams, and my dreams I guess were too big or something- I don't know- at times I feel like a failure and that I am just ruining the lives around me. I can't focus on anything- my family is struggling to keep it all together- I know that I am causing a significant amount of grief to my family and that was never my intention. I hate that when I think about how my life used to be it makes me panic. I hate that when I think about the future I panic. I know that life isn't easy for anybody- but why can't we get some kind of break- and then thinking that I feel selfish. I am feeling detached from people and don't like that, but I don't know what else to do.