Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Feeling Overwhelmed

I don't know what it going on in my head lately I just feel like everything is too big to handle. My husband I know is probably attributing this to the fact that we have an anniversary coming up soon- but honestly that is not what is bothering me- I know that our sweet angel is in a better place, and that brings me comfort.
I don't know if it is that I am thinking too much of a dear friend and want to take away her pain and know that I can't.
I am just tired and want a break- but if I tell that to my family then I feel guilty, because what do I do that I need a break? I had hoped that once all this disability crap was finalized things would be easier- but they are just more stressful. I received a significant amount in back pay from the government, but it technically isn't mine- I have to give it all to the hospital I worked for to pay for the money that they have been giving to me the last two years. I am ready to just say have it all- just get it out of my life, but they are giving us a chance to pay off some bills with it a portion of it then we will give them the rest and they will just adjust what they will continue to pay me until October of next year. I hate that money causes so much stress. I feel like I am in a hole and the opening keeps getting further and further away.
We have done one camping event this year and will going on another in a few weeks- I just don't have the motivation to want to go- last trip I was medicated a majority of the time and don't want to be that way this time around- but my stupid headaches just won't let me be. I just a nice quiet and relaxing vacation somewhere other than here- but that just isn't in the budget now or any time in the future.
I feel guilty that I got the disability- and I don't know why- I just worked so hard to accomplish my dreams, and my dreams I guess were too big or something- I don't know- at times I feel like a failure and that I am just ruining the lives around me. I can't focus on anything- my family is struggling to keep it all together- I know that I am causing a significant amount of grief to my family and that was never my intention. I hate that when I think about how my life used to be it makes me panic. I hate that when I think about the future I panic. I know that life isn't easy for anybody- but why can't we get some kind of break- and then thinking that I feel selfish. I am feeling detached from people and don't like that, but I don't know what else to do.

1 comment:

Shopgirl said...

Sara, Thank You for sharing about Megan's Grandmother. She has always been so kind to me. It hasn't been very long since I met up with her and Megan's Mom, they were shopping. I know that you spent alot of time with her. You are so devoted to Megan and her family.
Overwhelmed is a good word for me also. Not in the same way, but we are so worried about Arney's Mom even though she is doing really better than we ever thought. She does not want the nurse we got for her, she thinks we are making a fuse and she likes to keep to herself. We are doing the best we can.
I am so glad you got the settlement. It seems there is always someone with their hands out for money. I hope this has helped you and Richard:)
I stopped having migraines after I left Homestyle. I do have the silent ones where I get lights of silver going across my eyes sometimes. I started having them in my 20's and really have no idea why they started, or whey they retreat sometimes for years.
I have heard that bio-feedback might help, but I really know very little about such things.
My kids remember me having these sick headaches...staying still like little mice watching me go through it. I hated that.
We are excited for Cory and Kristie, this will be number 5, and it is a girl.They have a lovely life, big beautiful home and Kristie is a stay at home Mother. She lost a baby at 20 weeks last year. And there was problems for this one too, but got through it and all seems fine.
I know you are in pain for the babies you wanted and loved...I wish there were words that could heal your head and heart.
You are so special Sara, I always saw you as a nurse helping others, I know this is all so hard.
I wish you could fill your heart and time with something special that would make everything better.
Do not think that anyone is disappointed with you in anyway, you are loved for you.
Did you go to the get together at RedRock Church? I decided to let it go by, just to many things going on here.
I hope you have a wonderful 4th...Sara my little Sweetpea...think of the good things. I love you more than you will ever know, your Mary