Thursday, April 17, 2008

One flew over the cuckoo's nest- or at least I am pretty darn close

I am now officially drifting without a plan- feeling lost and useless- more than broken. My career is indefinitely on hold- my body must think that I am here for someone's daily amusement other than my own- because I sure ain't laughing. Maybe, just maybe I really am crazy- that will be answered officially next Wednesday when I see the psychiatrist- but today my pain management doc pretty much told me that I am nuts and that is why I am back to having daily headaches. He thinks that I have OCD, anxiety and hey maybe even a touch of- not completely, but maybe I might be Bipolar too- wow, way to make my day doc- thanks! You know my Cymbalta really isn't working on the depression front right now, do you really think you should be telling me that I am a fruit cake all at the same time? Hey your the high priced MD with all the degrees on the wall- I am just the lowly RN who can't work because I am a nut job and I am not safe- can you write me a script for a nice shiny shovel so I can dig myself a hole that I can go crawl into- since that what I want really want to do now. 
Oh and here is the other great thing- I have been off work long enough that my long term disability kicks in next Wednesday- yes I have been off of work for 90 days as off the 23rd! Yeah me- NOT- but when I heard his nurse asking for an approximate date that he thought I may be able to go back to work for the paper work- this was the answer- 3 months- so I have already be at home trying to figure out what to do with my life for the last 3 months, now, I get another 3 months to do the same- but I think with LTD I at least get a little bit of money- sure in a few weeks my position is no longer protected, but that is okay, because let's face it- I wasn't going to be able to go back to the NICU when released from medical leave any way- I was just fooling myself thinking that. I don't even know if I am going to be able to back into nursing- I have never felt this unsure about my future or this sure about having a complete breakdown- but the last time I mentioned that to my dear sweet husband he couldn't handle it so he called my best friend- rather than just sit down and talk to me about which is what I really needed him to do at that point in time- he called someone else to talk to me. 
Right now is one of those times I wished I  lived in a different time where either they got rid of those that were imperfect or they sent them far away so that the public didn't have to be bothered by their imperfections- because right now I feeling like I am just a huge burden to my friends and family- I am using all the money that could be going to towards anything else- but no have to pay for my meds or doc visits and now we are adding on one more doc and I am sure lots more meds. Now I am most likely going to lose my job- so there goes my benefits- here comes higher than hell priced COBRA with no income- this should be fun- but then hubby says the most bizarre thing- I still am not sure how to take it even after having a night to think about it- at least we don't have to worry about kids getting sick- was that supposed to make me feel better? I know in his mind it was but really- all it did was remind me- yeah, we don't have to worry about that because my body won't cooperate in that area and we lose them after a few weeks. 
Damn that shrink is going to love me aren't they?

1 comment:

Irish Girl said...

I hope this new doctor can help you feel back to normal. And remember, as nurses we know that labels can bring about a lot of negative thoughts. No matter what the diagnosis ... you are still Sara! A whole wonderful worthy person. So please don't get too caught up in it. The focus is on health :) You CAN and WILL be well. I believe in you!