Time Stands Still

I have a new hair color, starting to get a newer looking body, wearing clothes that I have always wanted to; but was too concerned with how others would see me. The new hair color- blue/black, the new body- finally starting to lose weight, now I just need to figure out how to stop sabotaging myself at every turn. Those are quite a few changes for someone who isn't always up for a lot of change, my new way of looking at things is this, if I really wanted it and it is attainable, then do it! This isn't going so well in all aspects of my life. Lately, I have started having horrible thoughts or name calling when I see a pg woman. Fortunately I'm not feeling those particular feelings regarding my family members that are currently pg, I think happy thoughts about them and can't wait for babies to get here in the next couple of months. There just seems to be an outbreak, that I will forever be immune too, of pg. Maybe it is all the graduations, pre-school, Kindergarten, Elementary, Middle, High School and College. I'm so very happy for all of my family and friends that have children and/or grandchildren, nieces, nephews, whatever that are ending one journey and starting the next. Children's lives have been so disrupted lately; 20 school shootings in the last 5 1/2 months. Children don't just have storm, fire, earthquake drills; they now also have 'Active Shooter' drills so that the littlest of littles know what shelter in place means- people are trying to figure out how to make desks bullet proof, safe rooms that can not only stand up to an F5 tornado, the enclosure itself is completely unbreachable and bulletproof- bonus feature- it can hold up to 60 to 80 children. Time Heals All Wounds- BULLSHIT!It will be 26 years on July 11 and September 23; and it still feels like it was yesterday. We lost our daughter, Brierley Isabel, 13 years ago, on October 25, she would be 12 years old on July 1. Our son, Henry Philip, was lost 12 years ago on July 5, he would have been 11 on March 8. We lost our second daughter, RuthAnn, 11 years ago, she would be 11 on October 19. Our third daughter, Olivia Grace, was lost 10 years ago on December 19, should would have been 9 on August 22. And last, but not at all the least, we lost our fifth and final child, our fourth daughter, Lillian 'Lily' Rose, 6 years ago on January 7, she would be 6 years old on July 26. I have other dates that go through my mind, happy thoughts like my Sweet Hunny Bunny proposed to me on July 5, 22 years ago, we will have been married for 21 years on June 21. Why can't time slow down sometimes so we can have a chance, the time, to process these moments in our lives; both happy and sad. When will I be happy again? Will I be happy again? Can I be happy again. How many more baby showers will I miss? I'm truly happy for the two family members that are expecting, I can't wait until little Princess Charlie Lee and Mr.BBK (Baby Boy Kasel)arrive over the next few months. Little Charlie Lee, I will probably never meet as she is currently residing in Boston, or if/when I get to see her in person she won't be a cuddly little baby- I know there will be tons of instagram, FB, YouTube pics; maybe that is why I'm not freaking out about her, she is so far away. Mr.BBK on the other hand is about 10 minutes away, which as soon as I found out that he was coming I have been over the moon- I can't wait to meet this little man and hopefully be in his life. I don't want it to be because my husband and I are now the crazy great aunt and uncle that my cousins and I have always had. I want him to know me, sleep in my arms, steal my heart. When will I not have to excuse myself so no one sees me cry.