The holidays are coming....

Well Thanksgiving is only a few more days away....yippee! NOT...at least it will just be my parents and my husband this year so no awkward questions from the extended family of 'so when are you two going to have some kids' You know one of these days I am going to stop being nice and polite and just come out and say it and completely blow all of them away....I wish. No at Christmas, when everyone will be around, it will be the same as it is every year....I will smile and try to change the subject- no sense in making them feel as shitty as I do. Hell they don't even know that we HAVE been pregnant 3 times already....they don't know that we have lost 3 babies and that we, well okay, I have decided that we are most likely done trying for any more. They don't know that I am scared to death of becoming pregnant again and then loosing another baby....they don't know that my husband and I don't agree that we are done. My husband still thinks that we will try again next year. I feel guilty that if we don't try again I am letting him down, that I am letting my parents down. I feel like this decision that is in my best interest for health reasons is the wrong decision because my husband still wants to be a Dad to a living child. He tells me that I am a mother, I don't feel like one, I don't have anything to show for it but a broken heart and three statues in our front yard with dates on them they we light candles for...that isn't something great to show people- yes, these are my children. I hate the holidays...I wish that they would just be here faster then be over and done with, yes I am feeling better this year than I have for the past two years, I have actually have Christmas cards purchased...something that we haven't done in a very long time- but I do keep thinking that we should have a baby to be celebrating with and we don't, we won't, we can't. It isn't fair...I shouldn't be looking for things at Christmas to memorialize my babies that aren't here...but that is what I seem to be spending my time on lately, or trying to find projects for work for our bereavement department...something just doesn't seem right about that...but that is my life, like it or not, that is what I have been given and stuck with. Happy Holidays to me.....