Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Double Standards

DH's cousin that surprisingly found out that she was pg last month delivered a very healthy, very beautiful baby girl yesterday afternoon. I honestly and from the heart congratulated the Mom, Dad and Grandma; I looked at the few pictures that had been posted at the time and I told them that she is beautiful and was very happy that Mom and baby were doing well.
Well today dh mentioned something that really wasn't very important, well not important to me. Yes, a new life coming into the world regardless of being a friend, a relative or a complete stranger is a wonderful blessed occasion. An occasion that I am just supposed to look at and be hands down happy. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for this family member-but I honestly don't understand why when I recognized that I was having a difficult time I am now the horrible person because I am not cheering every second, blanketing my FB page with announcements that this blessed new arrival is here! I am terribly sorry that the person that is expressing an issue with my 'behavior' is none other than the person that I have trusted with my heart, my feelings, my memories- my dh. We had a huge argument this afternoon that basically came across as I am selfish and blaming everyone else around me that is either pg or having children. He had the guts to tell me that in MY therapy sessions I should be learning to move on, I should not be this emotional as it will be 6 years next month since our first miscarriage. I shouldn't be this emotional about any of them. He believes that I should be over the pain, that my friends don't want to be around me because I carry so much pain and heartbreak over something that I have no control over. Well here is how I feel about it- if my 'friends' are tired of this huge part of my life, I am sorry, so I am and ya know what it is something that I will have to live with for rest of my life and if they don't want to be a part of that- all they need to do is tell me, I understand, and I will walk away. As for dh, I don't know what to do there. He says that I remember and honor OUR Angels TOO much...funny, candles and FB posts happen 4-5 times a year. Candles are lit and a FB post are made to honor and remember the date that we lost them and then again on October 15th during the Wave of Light. Yes, their candles are also lit on 4/19, 9/11, 12/24, 12/25 and 12/31. I don't place candles out on what was to be their due date.
I would like to say that I am sorry that I have not completely moved on, but I am not. I have come a long way from where I once was even as recently as 1-2 years ago. I know that no matter how angry, bitter, hurt or frustrated I have been since 2005 when our hopes and dreams were discovered in a few short weeks only to be crushed, destroyed, taken away all within a few hours that seemed to last forever.
September 2005 to December 2008 was the longest, most horrible roller coaster that I have ever been on. At times I did feel that I was on this life changing journey to hell and back on my own. I know that dh was also traveling with me, alongside me, but sometimes it felt as if he got off when he didn't want to deal with it any more. For the most part, none of my family or friends were with me, they would get on when they felt that they could, but would leap off at any time so as not to have to deal with me and my emotions. At times I don't blame them, I wish that I could get off at a moments notice and all of the pain, everything was left behind, but in reality I can't do that. Don't get me wrong I have received the most heartfelt support from family members- last year my MIL lit a candle on October 15th in honor and remembrance of the Angels that would have been her grandchildren. That small gesture meant so much to me, it let me know that the people who love me also acknowledge the 4 very special lives that were here however briefly, they were here, they were loved by others, not just myself and Richard.
Regardless of how others believe that I should feel, where I should be on this journey, whether the people around me feel that they no longer wish to support me on this journey. Whether people believe that I should just suck up my feelings and 'get over it' and move on already. I have made progress, maybe not as much as some people believe that I should have, but I have. This is my journey, dh has is journey and we have our journey. There is not a timeframe for any of these journeys unless it was self-imposed by someone. I learned 5 years ago that I am not the one to be able to set that timeframe. Healing happens in its own time, some times when you least expect it. I just wish I didn't feel like I was being judged by how others go through the healing process or how sometimes dh seems to understand my feelings only to turn around and tell me that I am not healing fast enough.


Shopgirl said...

Healing from a death of a child takes time. I don't think you can put a moment to end feelings. You have suffered a great loss. I still think of the baby I carried to term, he never took the breath of life, but he was mine.
What I am about to share will not help you in any way, but here it is. Sara, you know how much I love you, so read this and try to understand.
Your pain belongs to you, it is yours to bare. I find that most people have no time for other peoples pain for very long. It becomes like old news. They are living there life and they have not felt your pain. So it becomes just to sad, to hard to be a supporter of something that happened years ago. It isn't about not caring, it's about not being able to fix what hurts you so much. They want Sara, not Sara and her pain.
I remember when I lost my baby boy, no one came to the hospital, people stayed away because they did not know what to say and who needs was mine to bare. How many ways could they say they were sorry...they move on to the good stuff of life. And they wanted me to come along and Sara, I did move on. I filled my life with light, and walked out of the darkness. It was my pain and hot tears were shed in my own private way. No more babies was hard to take, but I wasn't going to let it stop me, I had many gifts to share. So I got busy being me and waited. Arney was enough, he needed me and I him, so we got busy living. I love life, death is to hard Sara, you need to find yourself, your babies would want you to go on and live, laugh, love and be loved. I love you, Mary

Shopgirl said...

I did dream a dream for you and Megan. I held you so close in my heart that I wanted it all for you. And I will continue to dream that dream for you......
Life deals out some real pain, but there is so much good. People are going to fail you, they don't mean to. God did not promiss it would be easy in this life. But look up Sara, you have a wonderful gift, you care...not everyone does. You are needed, you are a wonderful girl. If you need to make changes in your daily life, change them, you can do this for you. You matter, you are special.
I know one true thing, children are wonderful, and you want them so much. You are alive, you are young, You have great roots, now take wing! If you wait till you are old, it won't be near as much fun. You need to have fun!!!!! I don't mean get out and kick up your heals...think of something that has given you joy beyond the babies you carried, go to the girl that learned so much from her Grandma and Mother, take her beyond the gray!!!!My heart,Mary