Sunday, September 25, 2011

Thank you for all of your kind thoughts- they really, truly mean so much to me. Just knowing that you are all here and most importantly you don't think that I am a complete nut job, although my psychiatrist, therapist and family think otherwise. And to what Rosa asked, when I am alone my mind loves to fuck with me...I would like to honestly say that I won't do anything, but sometimes I don't trust myself as I have done things in the past. What stops me from doing anything is my family- I don't want to be the reason that they are in pain. Just because I am gone physically, emotionally I would be leaving behind so much more wreckage for my family and I can't/won't do that to them. I also know that just shoving my emotions down somewhere to where I 'don't' have to deal with them is kind of what got me to where I am in the first place.
Dh and my family support me, they may not always understand me. I am trying to go on with my emotions without hurting anyone else. Dh's cousin sent a wonderful thank you when they received the baby's gift yesterday. I am really trying to be happy, the baby is beautiful and healthy, what more could one ask for, well except for the obvious that I know is never going to happen. I guess that is part of what brings me to tears every time I think about the new baby- each day, each month, each year brings that horrible reality that much closer. I had a wonderful dream as a child and no matter what we do that dream will never be fulfilled. My heart is broken and while temporary patches of happiness are there, the cracks are so deep that I don't know if there is a fix for any of them. I have learned over the years what people want to hear, what makes them think that everything is okay-no that is not the most appropriate way to handle things, it is just the easiest way to 'deal' with things sometimes. The questions of 'so when are you going to start your family', 'you've been married for almost 15 years-what are you waiting for, you're not getting any younger'. Luckily, those questions are slowing and even sometimes not even asked any longer. I know things will eventually get easier, better as time goes by. It gets 'easier' as time goes by because everyone in my life believes it has been long enough therefore it shouldn't be something this upsetting still- I should be all better now and new babies in the family should completely overjoy me- I shouldn't have those selfish thoughts any more, it's been almost 6 years since we lost our first hope and dream and it has been almost 3 years since our last sweet surprise. Time is just a number, saying that 'time heals all wounds', yeah, I would like to meet that person so I can hit them upside the head with a 2x4.
Oh, and if this wasn't enough the last baby born on my side of the family will be having his 1st birthday in October. Mom is family by marriage and has never really 'liked' me since we met in 2006. Dad is my cousin and we used to be fairly close. Since they married in 2007 she has pulled further and further away from dh and I, and to make her happy, my cousin has also pulled away. We live just under a mile away from each other- I have been told that they have seen dh and I walking on the greenbelt, but they have never said anything to us. Anyway, I was not invited to the baby shower, supposedly an oversight as my Aunt sent an invitation (separate from everyone else's) 4 days before the shower. Well, now it is coming up on that time of the 1st birthday- my Mom and another Aunt have both received an invitation for his birthday party. Just another jab at my emotions. Did she 'over look' me yet again on accident or was it intentional? Either way I would like to say I don't care, in some ways I really truly don't care, but in others it hurts to be told that they don't care.
Sorry this went on for so long- that is how my thoughts have been the last few weeks/days. Everything is all jumbled up, sometimes making sense and sometimes not. Again, thank you for your kind thoughts, having you here, having been through similar if not the same situations helps knowing that you understand. Thank you my friends ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

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