Having a bad time

This past weekend/week has been rough. I have had bad thoughts, breakdowns, wanted it all to end, etc. I see a new psych today, isn't she lucky. I don't know if it is the holiday let down that has me down or what, I just can't get out of this funk. I don't have the energy to do anything, I don't want to do anything but lay on the couch and zone. That is what I have done pretty much since New Year's. I occasionally shower if I think about or have somewhere important like a doctor appt to go to and even then it feels like a struggle to do it. I just don't care anymore. I get up take pills, zone and wait for the day to get over, I eat if I remember or think about it. I know my dh is worried about me, but I don't have the energy to care; he drags me out occasionally and then I come back home and zone some more until it is time to go to bed. That is my day lately.

Made it through the holiday

Well, I made it through Christmas. It was tough I won't lie or try to make it sound all cheerful. Luckily the questions didn't come up, although it did break my heart when my Mom said that she didn't have any grandchildren she has grandkitties- this was during a conversation on Christmas Eve with my Aunt who also just has a grandpuppy; but her kids have only just gotten married so there is more time, they haven't been married for 11 years and trying for years. Oh well. So life goes. 

I got a new statue ordered today, it is a little angel napping in cradled hands, I can't wait to get it, of course it won't go in the garden until springtime, but it is coming all the same.

It is Christmas Eve

Today is supposed to be a happy day. It has been 5 days since we lost our last baby and I just don't feel in the holiday spirit. Dh and I are supposed to go to for family dinner tonight and I really don't want to go. I am still crying at the drop of a hat, commercials are making me cry. I just want the holidays to be over.

Handling things

I am handling everything unusually well. I don't know if it just hasn't hit yet or what. I have lost it a few times but I am keeping it together better than I thought that I would. I thought that I would be an emotional wreck with this loss, but I haven't been, don't get me wrong I am sad and angry and all of that, but I am trying to stay strong. I have broke down a few times but I just don't think it has completely hit yet. I have a feeling when I return to counseling or to my psych after the first of the year I am going to lose it completely.

Mother of Four

It is official, I am now the mother of four angels in heaven. We have lost our dream again, the cramping and bleeding has increased, it is over. I don't know why my body keeps doing this to me, but it does, it has betrayed us once again. I don't know if I can do this all again, we are going to look into the IUD after the holidays. Rest in peace precious angel- her name was going to be Olivia Grace.

I think that we may be done

Not to be gross or anything but I have started to have some bleeding this morning, so I think that we may be done. I had a feeling that this was going to happen, I tried to be positive and have only happy thoughts, but when this is the only thing that has ever happened it is hard to have positive thoughts all the time. We had been hoping that this would be the one, but I don't think so, I think that it is ending like all the others. I am sad, but not as sad as I thought that I would be, maybe I am still in shock. I had hoped that we would at least have made it to Yule/Christmas, but I don't think that is going to happen now.

Still Cooking.....

Well as Dh puts it I am still cooking. LOL. No sign of a visitor of that sort has shown up to date. Just have painful breasts and lots of nausea, have even thrown up a few times. So maybe we will get what we want for Christmas/Yule this year.