Christmas Cards....

I have been receiving cards from my support group since before Thanksgiving, well, they have been sitting on my desk not opened since being taking out of the mailbox. I don't know why I hadn't opened any of them, well, I guess I kind of know why, originally my excuse was that I wanted to wait until I had gotten mine out in the mail- well, I did that last week, and still there they sat all unopened. Well a few minutes ago I decided that I needed to start opening them, I am really glad that I did- the women in my support group are amazing! Some of the cards are handmade, others are like mine- store bought. But all of them are precious and heartfelt- the first one that I opened made me cry immediately, but they weren't necessarily tears of sadness or pain...they were tears of thanks for being remembered. You see, being the parent of angels is not the same as one to a living child- any way I have found that most people don't see it as the same thing- even my own husband doesn't view it that way sometimes. This first card that I opened had a beautiful little construction paper angel with hearts on it- on the hearts were the names of our angels- it is simple but absolutely beautiful- a new ornament to place on the tree- the tree that is up for the first time since we lost our first angel in 2005. Christmas is 11 days away now and I still don't have the tree decorated and really don't want to, I am trying my best to be happy and to get into the holiday spirit- but it is difficult when I don't feel happy inside, when my heart is continuously aching for what I don't have with me, what I will never have with me, what are only fleeting memories. When will this pain get easier? When will I enjoy Christmas again? When will I stop feeling guilty for hating this family holiday- why do I have to?