Friday, December 14, 2007

Christmas Cards....

I have been receiving cards from my support group since before Thanksgiving, well, they have been sitting on my desk not opened since being taking out of the mailbox. I don't know why I hadn't opened any of them, well, I guess I kind of know why, originally my excuse was that I wanted to wait until I had gotten mine out in the mail- well, I did that last week, and still there they sat all unopened. Well a few minutes ago I decided that I needed to start opening them, I am really glad that I did- the women in my support group are amazing! Some of the cards are handmade, others are like mine- store bought. But all of them are precious and heartfelt- the first one that I opened made me cry immediately, but they weren't necessarily tears of sadness or pain...they were tears of thanks for being remembered. You see, being the parent of angels is not the same as one to a living child- any way I have found that most people don't see it as the same thing- even my own husband doesn't view it that way sometimes. This first card that I opened had a beautiful little construction paper angel with hearts on it- on the hearts were the names of our angels- it is simple but absolutely beautiful- a new ornament to place on the tree- the tree that is up for the first time since we lost our first angel in 2005. Christmas is 11 days away now and I still don't have the tree decorated and really don't want to, I am trying my best to be happy and to get into the holiday spirit- but it is difficult when I don't feel happy inside, when my heart is continuously aching for what I don't have with me, what I will never have with me, what are only fleeting memories. When will this pain get easier? When will I enjoy Christmas again? When will I stop feeling guilty for hating this family holiday- why do I have to?


Irish Girl said...

You don't have to -- enjoy the holidays or feel guilty about it. Your loss is great and it shouldn't be ignored. I imagine those feelings will always be with you. Although I have never had a pregnancy or loss I do grieve for the children I *should* have with me by now. I guess my only advice is to be kind to yourself and do what you can this season. If your tree never gets decorated (like mine!), then oh well. If you do more crying than laughing, then oh well. Your feelings are yours and they are valid and worthy of acknowledgment. The less I try to fight mine, the better I feel.

I'm impressed that you were able to get cards out. I haven't sent them in years. Good for you!

Sunny said...

I am making myself do Christmas this year. I am only halfway doing it but trying. I am doing it more for my husband than anything.

Do what you can do. Push a little bit but listen to your heart. HUGS!