Thursday, December 20, 2007

6 more days to 'normal'

I hate the way I get this time of year. I had hoped that this year would be different, why I don't know, but I had hoped. But the closer it gets to 'the day' the worse I am beginning to feel. Richard and I are fighting more and more- and it is about stupid things- tonight it was about making labels for gifts that I had made for our friends that we will be getting together with tomorrow night. I spent today making their cards, there were only 5 to make, but it took me all day long to do- then I sat and stared at the boxes of decorations that have been in the living room for 2 weeks- the lights are on the tree, I actually thought about turning them on today- the tree is pretty when it is lit- I didn't put the lights on- he did. There are ornaments on the tree- 3 of them- they are the ornaments that we have gotten over the last few years that just have never been put away because we haven't had the decorations out to do so. Now as it gets closer I am thinking it is kind of silly to spend all this time decorating a tree for a few days just to have to take everything down and put it away again in a few weeks. My Dad joked, anyways I think it was a joke, that we should have Christmas at our house this year- yeah wouldn't that be festive- I have a Charlie Brown tree with 3 ornaments on it and the rest of the decorations in tubs sitting taking up space in my living room.
I think that the rest of our family has given up on us as well, usually by now we have gotten several cards from my husbands family- we have gotten 2, one from his parents- they are vacationing in Mexico- and one from an aunt and uncle. The only other card that we have gotten that wasn't from family or from my support group was from the grandmother of the little boy I used to be a nanny for- she has no idea why we don't have children, or that we haven't really celebrated for so long. I don't know why I care- I don't know if it would help me get in to the spirit any more or not- I haven't even heard if we are doing a family get together this year or not- I know that my husband and I will be going over to my parents house like we do every year- but the rest of the family- who knows. It feels weird, I haven't been shopping, haven't wrapped anything- we don't have anything to wrap- all we have for gifts this year are things for the cats. Richard and I spent money on ourselves paying for a trip to Seattle that we are taking in February- I know that Christmas is about much more than gifts, but this year it just seems like another day that is coming up. I haven't done any baking and don't know if I am going to get the chance to- that was the one thing that I was looking forward to this year, baking with my Mom- and she wanted to do that Sunday, but I had to work. It just seems like nothing is going right anywhere- work, home- no where. I want a vacation from my life- somewhere where none of this exists- but that wouldn't be realistic now would it- and I would eventually have to come back- what fun would that be.


Sunny said...

The holidays are almost over. I am so sorry it is a hard one this year. Last year I didn't decorate, listen to music or anything. I was so blue. I hope the new year brings you joy.


Irish Girl said...

The holidays are hard. I hope you give yourself the permission to just feel sad. It's almost over!