What will I be?

 This is a new book that I am hoping to be reading  soon. I watched an interview earlier this week (it was a re-run) on the Rachael Ray Show with Maria Shriver about this book and it really made me think- I have always had the answer to the question 'what are you going to be when you grow up' or 'what are you going to do after graduation- do you have a plan?' 

Of course I did, I had my plans made since the age of 4 years old- I was going to be a nurse! I went to college, I became a nurse, I worked as a nurse for 4 years- even had what many have considered was my dream job. But then something happened, I still don't know what triggered it- maybe it was my dream job, maybe my personal life and my job together- who knows. But what I have figured out is that my 'what are you going to do with your life' is not here- it is not a place in my life right now, it scares me to death, I sometimes can't imagine that I used to do the things that I used to do; also what scares me is that I don't know WHO I am.

I have always had my what, that was never ever a question- never faltered when asked- I was going to be a nurse when I grew up, I became a nurse- now yes, technically I am still a nurse on paper- but who am I if I am not a nurse actively? 

I know that there is more to me, there is a who to me rather than just a what- I guess that should be part of my therapy....to figure out who I am now that my what I am is gone.

Went to the fair!

                              Went to the good old Western Idaho Fair with the family- no the top pic is not a relative- but the 'farmer' is my Mom! and dh's penchant for sheep, well, that explains me.....a good time was had by all. But on the way home I realized I went to the fair and didn't have any fair food- a bite of Mom's caramel apple and a snow cone and that was it- no cotton candy, no corn dogs or curly fries....I think I forgot something- or saved my stomach from some pain later tonight- not sure which- probably a little of both! Did accomplish a few things- got dh a new/replacement wedding band that I had wanted to do for his birthday back in June- he likes it and I like it and it is pretty- we are both happy. And I only had one small brief anxiety type episode that was handled gracefully by myself quite quickly- I believe that I am definitely ready for the concert next week! I also was able to talk to an old friend's Mom about him and his daughter (she is going to be 7! she was 2 1/2 almost 3 when he was killed by a drunk driver) and about his sister who also recently passed- was able to do all of this without completely breaking down while standing in front of his mangled car- I think a big accomplishment on my part- although I am starting to tear up now thinking about it. I miss him and his sister even though I hadn't seen them for a very long time, they will always hold very special places in my heart.

The miracle of the salon and the energy of girlfriends!

It has always amazed me how good you feel after getting even a simple haircut, sometimes even just getting your hair washed when you are sick. But yesterday I spent 2 1/2 hours with my hair stylist (I love Mark) getting my hair done- yes I admit, my red is no longer mine, it comes from a bottle, but I know that originally I am a true red head! Anyway, getting to hear the other chaos going on, hearing about his family- his wife will be starting back to school next semester to get her pre-req's done for nursing- talking about just life in general. I felt normal again yesterday, I loved it- for those 2 1/2 hours I wasn't crazy me, I was normal me, no anxiety, nothing. Salons and spas have magical powers you should all try them at least once in awhile, that should be a prescription from the psychiatrist and covered by insurance- but let's not go there- I am in a happy place. :)

Then after having a wonderful afternoon (not wearing my brace at all by the way- my wrist is feeling much better- still sore, but not like it was.), I spent the evening with my Circle of Girlfriends- and one that had not been able to come because of scheduling conflicts was there- we were missing one physically (because she is in Seattle for I am sure a beautiful wedding) but she was there in spirit! So very soon all 7 of us will be together for an 'event' and will be so full of energy! We made so many plans for the future it was amazing to do that, to look forward to the future with so many hopes and not be afraid.

No I am not looking at in ways of going back to work- that still terrifies me greatly- nursing I mean. But also I usually don't make it through family functions without an anxiety attack- so we'll see what happens today at the fair. But last night with my circle I felt normal for the first time in months- I did cry, because it was also the first time I felt like I used to, like a normal human- like the old Sara. I loved it! I hope it continues and continues..........

If it really matters......

If anyone but me looks or cares- just kidding, but really- right now I don't care, but I should. But lets face it, I do have a few more pressing issues going on in my life right now and this has taken the very back seat unfortunately- and I mean the furthest seat back that you can go. I have gained all but 1.4 lbs of my weight back all that hard work for nothing. Oh well, guess it's time to start over yet again. 

Waiting for something else

Well, I can type a little better today. I didn't go to the doc yesterday, no one had room to see me, or I went the wrong ER for the on-call ortho to see me were the excuses I got, whatever. I got a different brace from doc dad- he has tons :) so now my hand/wrist feels better and I have more movement.

Now I am waiting for the time to go by for him to come and get me for my weekly psych visit- this one should be fun considering my hand is a big part of it.

Waiting

Arm/hand still hurting, so now I am attempting to wait patiently for ortho to contact me back about an appt.

This is my newest 'toy'.....I got frustrated the other night (Friday) after an argument and decided to hit some walls at our house- I know not the smartest the thing- and yes I learned my lesson.....at least I didn't break anything in the house or on me.

Prayers Please

Please hold a dear friend of mine in your thoughts whatever your beliefs- she needs them. 

Brightest Blessings.

More Paperwork........

I know that docs hate paperwork, but don't take it out on the patient- because social security has multiple questions is not my fault! But any way, the process is continuing....

Filed for benefits round 1 done.

Well, went today and filed for social security benefits today. Went better than I thought that it would. So, now we wait, the woman helping me told me that it could take anywhere from 90 to 120 days. We'll see.

My Recent Project! Finished- Almost......

Well, my dh built me this beautiful swing for my birthday last year and it has just been getting weathered- not horrible but not exactly what either of wanted.

So, I decided I needed a project.......the painting is finished so now all I have left to do is three, yes 3 coats of polyurethene to protect the painting from the elements.....not excited. But it will finish it off and then it will be so cool!