Made it through the holiday

Well, I made it through Christmas. It was tough I won't lie or try to make it sound all cheerful. Luckily the questions didn't come up, although it did break my heart when my Mom said that she didn't have any grandchildren she has grandkitties- this was during a conversation on Christmas Eve with my Aunt who also just has a grandpuppy; but her kids have only just gotten married so there is more time, they haven't been married for 11 years and trying for years. Oh well. So life goes. 

I got a new statue ordered today, it is a little angel napping in cradled hands, I can't wait to get it, of course it won't go in the garden until springtime, but it is coming all the same.

It is Christmas Eve

Today is supposed to be a happy day. It has been 5 days since we lost our last baby and I just don't feel in the holiday spirit. Dh and I are supposed to go to for family dinner tonight and I really don't want to go. I am still crying at the drop of a hat, commercials are making me cry. I just want the holidays to be over.

Handling things

I am handling everything unusually well. I don't know if it just hasn't hit yet or what. I have lost it a few times but I am keeping it together better than I thought that I would. I thought that I would be an emotional wreck with this loss, but I haven't been, don't get me wrong I am sad and angry and all of that, but I am trying to stay strong. I have broke down a few times but I just don't think it has completely hit yet. I have a feeling when I return to counseling or to my psych after the first of the year I am going to lose it completely.

Mother of Four

It is official, I am now the mother of four angels in heaven. We have lost our dream again, the cramping and bleeding has increased, it is over. I don't know why my body keeps doing this to me, but it does, it has betrayed us once again. I don't know if I can do this all again, we are going to look into the IUD after the holidays. Rest in peace precious angel- her name was going to be Olivia Grace.

I think that we may be done

Not to be gross or anything but I have started to have some bleeding this morning, so I think that we may be done. I had a feeling that this was going to happen, I tried to be positive and have only happy thoughts, but when this is the only thing that has ever happened it is hard to have positive thoughts all the time. We had been hoping that this would be the one, but I don't think so, I think that it is ending like all the others. I am sad, but not as sad as I thought that I would be, maybe I am still in shock. I had hoped that we would at least have made it to Yule/Christmas, but I don't think that is going to happen now.

Still Cooking.....

Well as Dh puts it I am still cooking. LOL. No sign of a visitor of that sort has shown up to date. Just have painful breasts and lots of nausea, have even thrown up a few times. So maybe we will get what we want for Christmas/Yule this year.

Let the fun begin

Well the test said negative, but my body says otherwise.....the nausea has started and this morning I started vomiting. Maybe it is all in my head but I still haven't started. It is possible that we tested too early a few more weeks if nothing I will have missed 2 cycles then I see the OB/GYN and go from there. Hopefully this weekend while we are out of town, supposed to be enjoying each others company and relaxing isn't impeded by the nausea and vomiting too much. If it does turn out in the end that we are pregnant I will gladly take the nausea any day of the week.

Anxious

I can't help but feel anxious. I am excited and scared all at the same time. I am trying not to get my hopes up only to have them crushed as they have been so many times in the past, but I have never been this late, and I feel great to boot. I called family practice to ask about the coumadin and whether or not I should be taking it. I am still waiting for them to call me back about that. Coumadin is not a safe drug should things be what seems to be happening. It could also be that I am stressed, but then I would be having headaches, anyway that is my norm when I am stressed and I haven't had one headache so I don't think that I am stressed, although I beginning to get stressed if I am potentially harming something that we have worked so hard for. This is getting frustrating the waiting, I am obviously not a very patient person. I need and want answers and I am not getting any, I don't want to seem pushy, or overly bitchy but this is my life that is being messed with and I am not liking it.

Less than helpful......

Talked to the OB/GYN office yesterday for what it was worth. The aide told me (even after I told her that I am on many incompatible meds) that since I got a negative test not to worry until I have missed 2 cycles, so now I am just waiting, again. And stressing out mildly that if I am pregnant what harm is being done because of the meds that I am taking. I am anxious almost all the time now, so those meds aren't working any more anyway. The holidays are coming so I am stressing out about that, my main goal this is to put up the tree and decorate it- we got some new ornaments for our three angels- actually dh found them and told me that I could get them if I put names on them- so as soon as I got home I got the puffy paints out and wrote their names on the angel wings. I am happy but nervous all at the same time, trying not to get my hopes up so that they won't be destroyed if my cycle suddenly starts or if something else happens. But being this late it is hard not to think about the what ifs.

Still waiting....

Took a test this morning and it was negative, well the first one didn't work at all; no control line nothing- so was just going to bag the whole the thing, but then I had to pee again so tried another test and it was negative, but still no cycle starting or any sign of it showing up.

Late

I know that it is probably all the stress that I have been under or the meds that I am taking, but I am still nervous. I am a week late! Before stress has made me only a few days not miss an entire cycle completely. I guess I keep hoping that talking about will make it start. I confided in my Mom tonight and she asked me what we would do if we were- I told her that I don't know, because I don't. I mean I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them ripped apart like before, but I don't want to be dreading it either. With all the meds I am taking right so many of the are not baby safe and that scares me so much. My Mom told to call and check in with my OB/GYN in the morning so for now those are my plans, I will also take a test in the morning just to see.