Thursday, February 12, 2009
I for some reason started thinking about this tonight and I am not sure why. The Octo-Mom is everywhere on TV and it is really getting to me. Why is she allowed an instant family and I can't even have one healthy baby?! Why is my body broken and hers works?! Yes, she has suffered from miscarriage, so she knows that pain and heartache- but then she seems to shove it all in our faces with first having six children all via IVF and now with having eight- WTF! She shows no sense of caring that there are thousands of us out here that can't have just one baby, let alone eight!
She is on welfare and thinks that it is perfectly fine that we all take care of her monstrous family- what if we want a family, is she going to pay for ours? NO, because she is staying at home taking care of her 14 babies.
My counselor wants me to get in touch with a family member or a friend that has a child or children the ages of those that I have lost- he thinks that by me getting close to them that it would some how help me get better- whatever! I don't know how to get it through to him that I am trying to move on with my life, and I know that a child is not part of that plan- I have four angels, I have four freaking statutes- I don't get to pretend 'hey what if' everyone in my life has seemed to move on but me. I don't want everyone to dwell over my losses but to acknowledge that the lives were here, that they meant something to more than just me- that I wasn't the only one that had hopes and dreams ripped out of my heart. Hubby has gotten better, but at times I know he is doing it all for me. I know that he hurts too- but I know he thinks I should be over this by now. My family that knows thinks that I should be past this- so at times I feel like I have a silent personal heartbreak that I can't share with anyone because the mourning period ended a long time ago. I don't know that I will ever be over loosing my angels- from the moment that I knew I was pregnant I tried not to get attached for fear of a broken heart, but human nature just takes over and you start to make hopes and dreams that become shattered to the point that I don't even know how to pick up the pieces anymore.
I am back to being bitter around pregnant women and I hate that when I am like that- I should be happy for them, I don't know their situation, they could have had problems like I did- but I still under my breath utter the horrible words of bitch or worse, and then feel guilty that I feel that way about them, I should be happy for them, they are starting or adding to their family- it isn't their fault that I am broken. I hate being broken, it isn't fair, it really isn't.