Feeling Overwhelmed

I don't know what it going on in my head lately I just feel like everything is too big to handle. My husband I know is probably attributing this to the fact that we have an anniversary coming up soon- but honestly that is not what is bothering me- I know that our sweet angel is in a better place, and that brings me comfort.

I don't know if it is that I am thinking too much of a dear friend and want to take away her pain and know that I can't.

I am just tired and want a break- but if I tell that to my family then I feel guilty, because what do I do that I need a break? I had hoped that once all this disability crap was finalized things would be easier- but they are just more stressful. I received a significant amount in back pay from the government, but it technically isn't mine- I have to give it all to the hospital I worked for to pay for the money that they have been giving to me the last two years. I am ready to just say have it all- just get it out of my life, but they are giving us a chance to pay off some bills with it a portion of it then we will give them the rest and they will just adjust what they will continue to pay me until October of next year. I hate that money causes so much stress. I feel like I am in a hole and the opening keeps getting further and further away.

We have done one camping event this year and will going on another in a few weeks- I just don't have the motivation to want to go- last trip I was medicated a majority of the time and don't want to be that way this time around- but my stupid headaches just won't let me be. I just a nice quiet and relaxing vacation somewhere other than here- but that just isn't in the budget now or any time in the future.

I feel guilty that I got the disability- and I don't know why- I just worked so hard to accomplish my dreams, and my dreams I guess were too big or something- I don't know- at times I feel like a failure and that I am just ruining the lives around me. I can't focus on anything- my family is struggling to keep it all together- I know that I am causing a significant amount of grief to my family and that was never my intention. I hate that when I think about how my life used to be it makes me panic. I hate that when I think about the future I panic. I know that life isn't easy for anybody- but why can't we get some kind of break- and then thinking that I feel selfish. I am feeling detached from people and don't like that, but I don't know what else to do.

It's Official

I have officially been granted disability- I received my medicare card in the mail today. My husband and I meet with St. Luke's earlier today to discuss my back pay check that came from Social Security- they are going to let us pay off our overdue bills and then turn the rest of the money over to them- we have two weeks to get it all done. Now I have to find a secondary insurance to cover my medications and possibly sign up for food stamps. It is all a little overwhelming- I don't know if it is because we have waited so long for this happen or if it confirms all of my fears. I know that I should be relieved- but I am somewhat scared about the future and what it holds. I guess I just need to try to relax and let it happen.

Difficult Week

Hopefully the end is coming quickly- Gram (Solvieg) is out of the hospital and is now at home with her family by her side. The endoscopy revealed a large ulcer in her small intestine which is what most likely has been causing her pain. It was decided to have a feeding tube placed and allow to her to return home to be with family with the goal to keep her as comfortable as possible. This has been very difficult for her family as one can imagine. Yes, Gram is 93 years old- but she still should not have to suffer like she is- my only hope for her and her family is that she is able to remain comfortable and to say goodbye without much difficulty. She is loved very much and has touched many lives- I feel very lucky to be able to say that I have had her in life.

The beginning of the end

One of my dearest and closet friends- someone whom I have known for over 20 years- someone that I consider to be family, my sister- her Grandma who is 93 years old has been in the hospital since last week due to complications from a UTI. She has had continued abdominal pain and has had multiple tests to find out what is causing the pain- all have come back inconclusive; so tomorrow morning Gram while be having an endoscopy to see if that reveals any answers. I hate that she is having to go through all of this- I just hope that if this the beginning of the end that it goes quickly so that she may rejoin her beloved partner Arne. Keeping the entire family in my thoughts- Hang in there- I am sending positive and peaceful thoughts.

Good News!

Well I got my letter from Social Security- they ruled in favor of me- which means they granted me my disability. I don't know yet what I will be receiving monthly- another department deals with that and they should be contacting me within the next 60 days. At which point I have to apply for medicare coverage, find a supplementary insurance to cover my medications- the up side to having medicare is that I should be able to see my counselor more than once a month- I hope anyway. May also look into the outpatient groups that my psychiatrist suggested several months ago- they may be covered as well. While all of this is good news, it is also kind of sad- it means that yes my nursing career is over. I worked so hard to get it in the first place and now after working as a nurse for only 4 1/2 years- I am done. So this is my life now- a little less stressful now that the decision has been made. But I have a feeling that it is going to be a long road ahead of us for a while.