Saturday, May 5, 2012

Sometimes life just absolutely sucks! And the sucky part is that eveyone around you makes you feel like it is all your fault. I am having that day today.
I am the horrible bitch for being upset that a friend is pg and I NEVER will be- I signed the consent form, it was my choice to destroy my fertility.
I have headaches, again apparently my fault. I have to turn down invitations to get togethers, and again this is my fault- if I didn't have the headache we would still be going. DH made obligation to go so at least he hast to go and leave me at home feeling like shit.
My 'girlfriends' that I have had for decades suddenly stop calling me, yet sends copy of email inviting everyone else to event this weekend, Yet if I were to say anything then I would be the bitch for pointing anything out....after all being sick and in pain is all my fault in the firstl


Mamma Sass said...

Sorry to hear you are struggling so. I know how this goes. It stinks when we are hurting so much and others just don't get the pain - they can't mourn with us when they don't know the pain.

It was your choice to seek a choice to help - and good for you. However, it is not your choice to suffer. Nobody asked you if you wanted to suffer loss to such a grievious extent. Side effects and pain - are not a choice - what should you do? Continue to suffer on the one hand? Or fix it on the other and suffer on that one. Sadly many of us have to choose between the types of pains and suffering - not the choice to suffer or not. I feel for you!

Then adding the emotional pain on top - that is even worse.
I went through lots of hormones that only created new pains and complications even though it eased the ones I was suffering. But it was the emotional side of things that just got more complicated.
We lost numerous friends because we couldn't get pregnant - some didn't believe we had anything in common, others thought we were incompetent we have kids through adoption and suffer on the other hand - because people don't believe we know anything about raising them (they both suffer from severe emotional and attachment issues) because they don't act normal.
Do what you need for you!! If I have learned anything is that it doesn' matter what you do - someone will always judge - infertility does that to us. It sets us apart despite our choices. It is, sadly, easier for those who don't know to judge it based of of you.
Praying for you!

Shopgirl said...

Oh my girl, another time of hurt feelings and pain. I understand what you are going through with people. There are those that will never understand because it is not them. I wish there was a magic answe for you...but the truth is in you and you hold onto it. No one lives your life but you. Arney and I went through our own private hell.Guilt will kill you Sara, it will take you piece by piece, just hold your head high and get on with will get easier...God bless, Mary

prkygth said...

Thank you both...what you both said is so true. I just want the physical and emotional pain to go away or at least back off a little.