There is a new movie that has yet to have a release date, that is because this movie is the story, the true story, of a subject that no one wants to talk about, think about, admit that it happens because then the whole ugly truth will rear its very ugly head. And, that huge elephant in the middle of the room will have to be addressed, and we all know that no one wants to have to do that. It is so much easier to keep it all in a dark corner that when talked about is nothing more than a very low hush so that no one will hear you, be offended, be hurt, have to face the truth. This movie that I truly hope will make it passed the critics is called 'Return To Zero' it is the story of a family and the devastation that losing a baby can have on that family. It is based on a true family, it could be the story of many families I know, it could be my family's story.
The first time I remember hearing of someone losing a baby was when I was 7 or 8 years old. I had been with my Grandmother all day while my Mom was at work, when my Mom came to get me I overheard her talking with my Grandmother about a co-worker that had lost their baby. I don't remember the circumstances of the loss, the age of the baby, none of that, what I do remember was that there was an old plastic corsage box, I thought that I was being helpful by suggesting that I could put some pretty flowers in it and Mom could give it to her friend because it looked like a coffin. I don't really remember what was said by anyone, but I vaguely remember the reaction of both my Mom and my Grandmother, they weren't completely horrified by what their child/grandchild had just suggested, they were more afraid of what I had heard and tried to explain why my gift was thoughtful, it just wasn't appropriate. I remember being a little confused by that, someone died and I just happen to have this nice box that reminded me of a coffin, wasn't that where they put someone who had died? Was it different with babies? Why was it so hush, hush? The corsage box was thrown away, we went home and didn't talk about it ever again.
Like most little girls I had always dreamed that I would grow up, get married and have babies! I had been told at the age of 18 that I would most likely have difficulty conceiving, but it really wasn't a problem, I would just have to take some medication and everything would be fine, besides I was only 18, had no boyfriend, no prospects and most of all, I had time on my side. Fast forward about 3 years, I am now married, but we wanted to wait a few years before starting our family. My ObGyn suggested I try the DepoProvera injections as I hated taking pills, would forget to take my pills and the Depo would prevent the ovarian cysts that I had become prone to, it would also help with my irregular, extremely heavy and painful cycles. It sounded perfect. Looking back I wish I had chosen something else, I didn't get all the information about the Depo, this was partly due to the fact it had not been out on the market all that long so no one knew all of the information about the medication. The Internet wasn't like it is now, if I had had access and the forethought I would have researched the Depo and maybe found that people who had taken it long term (a year or more- I was on it for almost 3 years) were having difficulty with their cycles being irregular and/or delayed up to a year AFTER stopping the Depo. At times I blame myself for not trying to find out more information, for blindly trusting my MD that this was the best option. When we did decide that we were ready to stop the Depo so that we could start planning to start our family. After a small mishap with the MIL we did eventually stop the Depo in March of 1999; my cycle finally returned in November 1999, but it was more screwed up than it had been prior to the Depo, now it appeared that my body wasn't ovulating at all, but we were reassured that this is what can happen with the Depo (now they know) and we will stick with the same plan- fertility medications and we would be pregnant in no time at all- okay, we could go with that. Changing jobs between me and Richard, me deciding to finally go back to nursing school; we both decided that we had waited this long, what was another 2-3 years? Fast forward again...2003, I have one year left of nursing school and finally the waiting would be over! Instead of getting excited about finally starting our family excuse after excuse came up to wait just a little bit longer- get a better job, be at better job for a few months so the stress of orientation and nursing wouldn't be so overwhelming, just another month and I would have benefits. First road block, November 2004 I developed a blood clot in my leg and one in the base of each lung- I have to take Coumadin for the next 6 months to treat this...Coumadin is Category X for pregnancy pharmaceuticals, basically the two DO NOT mix and it is believed that the blood clots were caused by extra estrogen in my system from the years of hormone replacement therapy that I had been given over the last decade in the attempts to save my fertility by keeping the ovarian cysts at bay so that I wouldn't develop further scar tissue and further damage from the endometriosis that had been developing on my reproductive organs over the last several years; now as a precaution I could no longer take/use estrogen based birth control and being on the Coumadin we were given explicit instructions to prevent pregnancy at all costs. In December 2004 I developed one of my famous ovarian cysts, it didn't require surgery at that time, but we would need to keep an eye on it- hoping that it resolved on its own. By April 2005 the cyst had grown and become more painful, so the decision was made to surgically remove the cyst and the endometriosis, check on abdominal adhesions and other scar tissue, there was also the possibility that the right ovary may need to be removed. Although we had discussed it, Richard did not want me to sign the consent form, he didn't want to lessen our chances of having a baby. I thought that if the ovary was going to be a continuing problem, causing more scar tissue, ultimately causing us to not be able to have a baby, the way I looked at it was that we were being left with at least one functioning ovary. Instructions were given to the surgeon that the ovary would only be removed if absolutely necessary, consents were signed, surgery performed, ovary stayed. In May 2005 we finally made a firm decision that we would start to try in September 2005- my orientation would be finished, I would be comfortable in my new job, I would have benefits. Yet another road block...I lost my new job because they weren't comfortable with my latex allergy and the possible liability to the hospital (what I got for working for a privately owned hospital). So, yet again, what's another couple of months, we've waited this long...luckily for us mother nature finally decided to intervene, that and the surgery 5 months earlier got everything cleaned out and ready for an occupant. I can still remember waking up that September morning and realizing that my cycle hadn't started and that I was feeling a little different, I woke Richard up and told him what was going on, he thought that I was being crazy, but he humored me, retrieved my Maternal Nursing textbook and looked up pregnancy symptoms...as he went down the list I kept checking off symptoms. He still didn't believe that this could be happening, he came home with a HPT (home preg test) that evening....because we wanted to do it right we waited until the first thing the next morning, you know, the hormones are supposed to be more concentrated first thing in the morning...that night seemed to take forever! I finally made it to about 6 am, and then we waited for what seemed like forever...when you are waiting to see those 2 pink lines 3 minutes seems like hours! When the time was finally up we were both a little afraid to look, I think we were not sure how to react either way...finally I picked it up and at first I thought that it was a BFN (big fat negative), but then I looked a little closer and there really were 2 pink lines...they were faint, but they were actually there! I made Richard look at too, just to be sure that I wasn't imagining that they were there- he saw them too, our first BFP (big fat positive), it was really happening! We kept our secret between the 2 of us for as long as we could- we did the math and discovered that this little Angel was going to be due on my Mom's birthday and just days before my MIL's birthday; what was so special about this was that my Mom was born on her Grandmother's 50th birthday and she had always talked about how special that was for her to share her birthday with her Grandmother, Richard and I couldn't think of anything better than to be able to tell our Mom's what we 'got' them for their birthdays next year...our little Angel got her name in honor of some very special Grandmothers- Richard's biological Grandmother's last name would be her first and my Great-Grandmother (who I am named after, who shared her birthday with her Granddaughter and soon her Great-Great-Granddaughter) provided the middle name- Brierley Isabel.
She was and always will be our first, our little Angel that we never thought would become an Angel quite so quickly. There is much more to her story, it plays every so often over and over again in my head when it is quiet and my thoughts slow down as well. What I will leave this entry with is a beautiful dream I once had during the short but wonderful time we had Brierley with us....On a beautiful late Summer day at sunset in the middle of a meadow of wildflowers I see the silhouette of a little pixie of a girl running through the meadow, as she runs countless white butterflies fly up around her, slowly she turns around, looking back at me and smiles. She had the fairest skin with freckles on her sun kissed cheeks, green eyes and beautiful curls of red shining in the fading sunlight. I don't know if this was what was meant to be or where she is now, either way I smile and am saddened at the same time...I am happy that I got this rare glimpse of my sweet daughter, I just wish it would stay a little longer, maybe just long enough to touch her, hold her to my heart, just once.
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Saturday, March 10, 2012
An End to a Journey....
In 11 days a journey that started 8+ years ago by 2 people who love each other very much will finally come to an end.
This end is permanent and there is and will be no way to turn back the hands of time. Yes, we have thought about what we will be doing, we have been discussing it with my OB/GYN since 2007, yes, 5 years. Part of why we never followed through was financial reasons, we had always thought that we would use part of our tax returns to pay for the surgery and something would come up every year and it would be swept aside with the hopes of having it done next year. We also kept putting it off as we weren't really ready to stop ttc, not deep down in our heart of hearts or in our head. When we became pregnant in 2008 we were scared yet hopeful that this would be the one, sadly we all know that that was not to be, and we again discussed future plans with the OB/GYN and gave him the tearful answer that we were done, we can't go through this again, 4 times was more than enough for the pain and heartbreak that came with each loss. But again, finances ruled the decision. Even when I ended up in the ER in 2010 with a large ovarian cyst and the same discussion with my OB/GYN, what were our plans for the next 3, 5, 10 years in regards to a family. Again a tearful answer from myself that we were done, as soon as we could afford to have the procedures we would let him know. His answer was always the same, take the time to think about it and when we were ready give him a call and he would get it on the schedule.
After 3 years of not conceiving we thought that we were safe, well, the story has been told that yes, we had a very Happy Halloween last year. I haven't charted my cycles for over 4 years, but I went to the site just for the heck of it, plotted my info on my graph and yes their info came back that it had been my fertile time...but we had tried for years with the stupid charting and without medications or interventions nothing happened and now 4 years later we are successful on our own?! I had this discussion with Richard and he of course we skeptical, can you blame him? So the waiting happened and we both agreed that we wouldn't get ahead of ourselves, we weren't going to tell anyone (other than essential medical personnel) AND we weren't going to get hopeful or excited....yeah, right. I had behind his back started looking at baby furniture, figured out when we were due (July 26th) and started to research my medications to see what was safe and what needed to go. We also had the discussion that 'see if we had had surgery we wouldn't be getting this one last chance.' When we did finally tell people, everyone had the same concerns, what was going to happen to me emotionally should something go wrong. I understood their concerns, I had them myself, but each day, each week that passed, the further along we got the more relaxed or calm I became with the idea that we were really finally pregnant, we were finally having our family. I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I dreamed of my labor and delivery, I dreamed of holding our sweet Angel in my arms, finally getting that new baby smell, seeing my parents, Richard's parents holding their first and only grandchild. When we found out that we had lost this sweet baby I held my emotions in check (or so I thought I did) and tried to tell myself, it was for the best, the medications that I take were harmful, this wasn't meant to be. Richard and I weren't meant to be parents to living children, just cats.
Thoughts of my upcoming surgery is causing me to be in a manic cycle, it is messing with my sleeping, my daily functions, just messing with my life in general. I know that this surgery needs to be performed for multiple medical reasons, this surgery will hopefully make me feel better. I am trying to find all the positives of having surgery, maybe I will be able to focus more on myself in a good way and can finally get some (a lot) weight off, I won't have to worry about hormone issues (one ovary is being left for this purpose), maybe my headaches will get better. But I am afraid that I will fill empty inside and it will be my doing, I signed the consent form. I also know that we (me, Richard, our family) can't go through another pregnancy or another loss. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought that it would be this difficult to have a family, a living family. We never knew that our marriage would be filled with heartbreak, we always imagined at least one little one running around, chasing cats, fishing with Opa and baking with Oma. I saw them running around at the holidays at family get-togethers with the other cousins. This past Christmas all the cousins were there and it was magical watching them play, all the while Richard and I were still keeping our little secret, but we smiled at each other knowing that next year our 5 month old would be the ohh's and ahh's of everyone. My parents looking on proudly at their new grandbaby.
I know this has been a roller coaster to hell and back for all of us, I am more than ready to get off this ride and never get back on. I want us all to be able to heal, hold memories in our hearts, but also not be angry, disappointed, cheated, heartbroken. I know that some of these feelings won't ever go away, they will be reinforced every time a baby cries, a pregnant belly crosses our path (yes, it is almost like having a black cat cross your path). What I have tried to see when in these situations, I don't know these women's situations, I don't know if they have suffered and are scarred by infertility. Knowing these things have made it much easier (at times) to see these women- but I do have to admit that the ugly IF bitch in me rears its ugly head and things falls out of my mouth before I have a chance to filter it, luckily I do have volume control and nothing has ever been said directly to their faces or at a volume that is easily heard by anyone not standing directly beside me.
I realize that this post is full of a lot of ramblings, I am currently medicated for everyone's safety (I have a migraine and cramps from HELL) ;) I haven't written in such a long time that I had several things to get off my chest. I am nervous and scared, I am having horrible dreams that when the doctor goes in for the biopsy (one of the first procedures being done) that he is going to find that,'OH SHIT! She really is pregnant!' I know that I am not, but Richard has had these same dreams. I think this is happening because we would rather find that out than to be told we will never be pregnant again, and the surgery went well. I know that everything will go the way that it should, there will be no complications other than emotionally. I think that besides the surgery itself that is what I am afraid of most, regretting my choice as there is no going back, there is no option like a tubal ligation or a vasectomy, this is permanent, there is no going back should we change our mind a few years down the road. As I am having my last cycle prior to surgery, dealing with the intense cramping, the emotional roller coaster, the other crap that goes along with AF I am to a point relieved that this time next month it won't be happening, it won't be happening ever again. And then at another point, I am reminded at just how final this is going to be, I will never be pregnant ever again meaning, we will never go through losing another life that we held so dear, we will never miscarry again. We had unofficially/officially come to terms with the fact that we are a part of that percentage, that group that will live childless or childfree. Neither of us really like either of those terms, yes it describes our lives, but what we have put in is that we are childless due to biology, not by choice. Childfree to us sounds more like a decision that was made by a couple that never intended to have children EVER...don't get me wrong, I have nothing against these people, it is their choice. Childless sounds like attempts were made to have a family and for whatever reason biology was not on their side, resources were exhausted, the way Richard and I feel was that we weren't given a choice in the matter, no matter who hard we tried, the hoping, the praying, the dreaming- biology was just not on our side.
The 5 pregnancies will be forever cherished, milestones reached in pregnancy will be fondly remembered. With this last pregnancy I kept a journal, something that I had thought of doing with each previous journey. I have gone back and looked at my entries, I have made a few entries following our loss. I believe that I will probably make a few more entries in the upcoming days leading up to surgery and some following just to track my feelings. I will probably make an entry or two in July around the due date and then maybe even as we pass the first set of anniversaries this year and next. The first ones are always the hardest, especially when this is the last time we will have a set of firsts. In a way knowing that is a blessing yet also a curse, a blessing knowing that future anniversaries will be a little easier with each passing year, a curse knowing that we will never have another, ever.
This end is permanent and there is and will be no way to turn back the hands of time. Yes, we have thought about what we will be doing, we have been discussing it with my OB/GYN since 2007, yes, 5 years. Part of why we never followed through was financial reasons, we had always thought that we would use part of our tax returns to pay for the surgery and something would come up every year and it would be swept aside with the hopes of having it done next year. We also kept putting it off as we weren't really ready to stop ttc, not deep down in our heart of hearts or in our head. When we became pregnant in 2008 we were scared yet hopeful that this would be the one, sadly we all know that that was not to be, and we again discussed future plans with the OB/GYN and gave him the tearful answer that we were done, we can't go through this again, 4 times was more than enough for the pain and heartbreak that came with each loss. But again, finances ruled the decision. Even when I ended up in the ER in 2010 with a large ovarian cyst and the same discussion with my OB/GYN, what were our plans for the next 3, 5, 10 years in regards to a family. Again a tearful answer from myself that we were done, as soon as we could afford to have the procedures we would let him know. His answer was always the same, take the time to think about it and when we were ready give him a call and he would get it on the schedule.
After 3 years of not conceiving we thought that we were safe, well, the story has been told that yes, we had a very Happy Halloween last year. I haven't charted my cycles for over 4 years, but I went to the site just for the heck of it, plotted my info on my graph and yes their info came back that it had been my fertile time...but we had tried for years with the stupid charting and without medications or interventions nothing happened and now 4 years later we are successful on our own?! I had this discussion with Richard and he of course we skeptical, can you blame him? So the waiting happened and we both agreed that we wouldn't get ahead of ourselves, we weren't going to tell anyone (other than essential medical personnel) AND we weren't going to get hopeful or excited....yeah, right. I had behind his back started looking at baby furniture, figured out when we were due (July 26th) and started to research my medications to see what was safe and what needed to go. We also had the discussion that 'see if we had had surgery we wouldn't be getting this one last chance.' When we did finally tell people, everyone had the same concerns, what was going to happen to me emotionally should something go wrong. I understood their concerns, I had them myself, but each day, each week that passed, the further along we got the more relaxed or calm I became with the idea that we were really finally pregnant, we were finally having our family. I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I dreamed of my labor and delivery, I dreamed of holding our sweet Angel in my arms, finally getting that new baby smell, seeing my parents, Richard's parents holding their first and only grandchild. When we found out that we had lost this sweet baby I held my emotions in check (or so I thought I did) and tried to tell myself, it was for the best, the medications that I take were harmful, this wasn't meant to be. Richard and I weren't meant to be parents to living children, just cats.
Thoughts of my upcoming surgery is causing me to be in a manic cycle, it is messing with my sleeping, my daily functions, just messing with my life in general. I know that this surgery needs to be performed for multiple medical reasons, this surgery will hopefully make me feel better. I am trying to find all the positives of having surgery, maybe I will be able to focus more on myself in a good way and can finally get some (a lot) weight off, I won't have to worry about hormone issues (one ovary is being left for this purpose), maybe my headaches will get better. But I am afraid that I will fill empty inside and it will be my doing, I signed the consent form. I also know that we (me, Richard, our family) can't go through another pregnancy or another loss. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought that it would be this difficult to have a family, a living family. We never knew that our marriage would be filled with heartbreak, we always imagined at least one little one running around, chasing cats, fishing with Opa and baking with Oma. I saw them running around at the holidays at family get-togethers with the other cousins. This past Christmas all the cousins were there and it was magical watching them play, all the while Richard and I were still keeping our little secret, but we smiled at each other knowing that next year our 5 month old would be the ohh's and ahh's of everyone. My parents looking on proudly at their new grandbaby.
I know this has been a roller coaster to hell and back for all of us, I am more than ready to get off this ride and never get back on. I want us all to be able to heal, hold memories in our hearts, but also not be angry, disappointed, cheated, heartbroken. I know that some of these feelings won't ever go away, they will be reinforced every time a baby cries, a pregnant belly crosses our path (yes, it is almost like having a black cat cross your path). What I have tried to see when in these situations, I don't know these women's situations, I don't know if they have suffered and are scarred by infertility. Knowing these things have made it much easier (at times) to see these women- but I do have to admit that the ugly IF bitch in me rears its ugly head and things falls out of my mouth before I have a chance to filter it, luckily I do have volume control and nothing has ever been said directly to their faces or at a volume that is easily heard by anyone not standing directly beside me.
I realize that this post is full of a lot of ramblings, I am currently medicated for everyone's safety (I have a migraine and cramps from HELL) ;) I haven't written in such a long time that I had several things to get off my chest. I am nervous and scared, I am having horrible dreams that when the doctor goes in for the biopsy (one of the first procedures being done) that he is going to find that,'OH SHIT! She really is pregnant!' I know that I am not, but Richard has had these same dreams. I think this is happening because we would rather find that out than to be told we will never be pregnant again, and the surgery went well. I know that everything will go the way that it should, there will be no complications other than emotionally. I think that besides the surgery itself that is what I am afraid of most, regretting my choice as there is no going back, there is no option like a tubal ligation or a vasectomy, this is permanent, there is no going back should we change our mind a few years down the road. As I am having my last cycle prior to surgery, dealing with the intense cramping, the emotional roller coaster, the other crap that goes along with AF I am to a point relieved that this time next month it won't be happening, it won't be happening ever again. And then at another point, I am reminded at just how final this is going to be, I will never be pregnant ever again meaning, we will never go through losing another life that we held so dear, we will never miscarry again. We had unofficially/officially come to terms with the fact that we are a part of that percentage, that group that will live childless or childfree. Neither of us really like either of those terms, yes it describes our lives, but what we have put in is that we are childless due to biology, not by choice. Childfree to us sounds more like a decision that was made by a couple that never intended to have children EVER...don't get me wrong, I have nothing against these people, it is their choice. Childless sounds like attempts were made to have a family and for whatever reason biology was not on their side, resources were exhausted, the way Richard and I feel was that we weren't given a choice in the matter, no matter who hard we tried, the hoping, the praying, the dreaming- biology was just not on our side.
The 5 pregnancies will be forever cherished, milestones reached in pregnancy will be fondly remembered. With this last pregnancy I kept a journal, something that I had thought of doing with each previous journey. I have gone back and looked at my entries, I have made a few entries following our loss. I believe that I will probably make a few more entries in the upcoming days leading up to surgery and some following just to track my feelings. I will probably make an entry or two in July around the due date and then maybe even as we pass the first set of anniversaries this year and next. The first ones are always the hardest, especially when this is the last time we will have a set of firsts. In a way knowing that is a blessing yet also a curse, a blessing knowing that future anniversaries will be a little easier with each passing year, a curse knowing that we will never have another, ever.
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