Tuesday, September 18, 2007

A side trip....

Before I had started this particular journey, I had been on another one, one that was much longer and more draining....I was on the journey of ttc. That journey has been full of small pitstops of joy but mostly heartache and pain...the journey basically came to a complete stop officially earlier today.
Yeah we had been talking about being finished ttc, I had said that we would ttc until May of 2008 and then be done, and then recently we had decided that maybe we should just stop ttc now. Well so much for the partnership of marriage...he has informed me that this decision is entirely up to me and me alone. What decision do I have to make all by myself....a freaking huge one, and it isn't fair. The decision that I will be making is permenant, I don't want that entirely on me and me alone. I don't want to be making a decision that ultimately effects both of us for the rest of well my life and our marriage.
When I started this current journey I obviously had to make the decision to be very careful and not become pregnant- yeah whatever- that has only happened a total of 3 times in the past 6 years of ttc, and I have lost all 3 of those pregnancies. Anyway, taking phentermine and getting pregnant don't mix...okay, not a problem. I had originally been thinking that maybe next year, much later next year either when closer to my goal or after meeting my goal...don't know how unrealistic I am being but was thinking about November or December of next year...yeah that is several months past where we had said we would origianlly stop ttc, but circumstances have changed a little, maybe, just maybe at a much healthier weight we could try again for a few months before we called it quits completely.
Fastforward to today....or well back up actually a few days, yes, welcome to my brain, it is very confusing sometimes. I have never really had what you would call normal cycles, when they first started (okay so back the truck way up) they were really heavy and lasted for 4-5 days, really bad cramps- this is junior high, go to high school- sophmore year still really heavy, last for about 2 weeks- no joke- by senior year I usually skip 2-4 months then have a really, really heavy, very, very painful cycle, this goes on for 2 years. 1995- have my first cyst- my first surgery- things get better. Get married 1997, go on depo for 3 years....gain a lot of weight! Go off depo- we want a family....no cycle for 9 months, then the problems begin...have a cycle that spots for 3 months off and on...get new doctor- nice doctor, current doctor. Try different meds to regulate cycles. November 2004 developed DVT and bilateral PEs (blood clot in left leg and in lungs) from these treatments, no more birth control pills ever....bummer....April 2005 first cyst in 10 years.....September 2005 1st positive pregnancy test! October 2005 1st miscarriage- it just goes downhill from there.
Now we get to today...my cycles have been screwed up the last couple of months, we thought we might have been pregnant in July- that was the last time we used fertility treatments- don't think we were- but there is a question- anyway....for the last 2 months my cycles have been getting further apart and shorter- until this month (the shorter part) I have been bleeding for a week now....this morning was the last straw, something was not right, I had to see the doctor. I was given options- depo, birth control pills, surgery..... depo- only non- estrogen option= safe, no risk of developing blood clots....major down side however...I am on this little journey here to loose weight not gain it; birth control pills- contain estrogen= major risk of developing another blood clot and/or PE, especially since I have already had both- risks don't outweigh the benefits here; surgery- endometrial ablation= no drugs (except involved in the surgery), in and out- quick recovery, permanent, he also does a tubal ligation along with this (ties the tubes)....so NO chance of ever getting pregnant, EVER.
I was basically told by my husband that he will support me in whatever decision that I make, but I have to make it, on my own. It is my body, he isn't going to push his opinions on me....'can they still harvest eggs if we decide to go the surragote route?' 'how do they get to your ovaries if they tie your tubes?' Translation....I will support you, but don't make this decision.
I hate that this is a major life altering decision for BOTH of us...and he is making me make it by myself. Thanks for the support.

1 comment:

Egged Out said...

It's really hard to make that decision by yourself. I can't imagine. Yes, it is your body but it is both of your futures. Sometimes I want to take control of the decisions because it is my body and I am the one taking the injections and going to the doctor but it is both of our futures at stake and I need to have mh's input and he needs to be fully on board. My friend told me in a marriage, to make something happen, you need two yesses but to stop something from happening, you only need one veto. I don't have anything wise to say here but just wanted you to know that I feel for you.

I like your tickers - marking out your first goal is a great idea - bit by bit.

Take care