Thursday, March 20, 2008

I have issues......

When I first found this new community of bloggers on their final IVF/FET treatments or those that had made the difficult decision to stop the treatments and attempt to 'come to terms' with that decision- it was like a light suddenly came on for me- I really wasn't alone- it was the same feeling that I had gotten when I first found the infertility groups and then the loss support groups- I really wasn't alone- what I am feeling, all of these emotions- everything- it was all normal- I am really not crazy (well I am but that is another post) this is how I am supposed to feeling- all of these other women are feeling just like I do. Wait- all these OTHER women, maybe I am not completely broken, they aren't, they are normal, the cards just feel in the same crappy order for all of them too- I don't have to feel guilty for the decisions that I have made- I don't have to listen to my hubby try to talk me into ttc just one more time, even though just 10 minutes early he told me that he didn't want to push into something that I couldn't handle, that he 'understands'. 
No, all of you- YOU who have been through the pain and torture of feeling broken and worthless at one point in time- that you weren't a whole woman because your body let you down too. You are the ones that understand my decision, the decision that has been forced upon me by biology- the decision that definitely was not willing made- because every time I think about it breaks my heart- it tears me up inside, because it just really isn't fair- it wasn't the choice/decision that I ever dreamt that I would be making- be forced to be making- it isn't a decision that any of us should ever have to deal with ever- I know wish that with my last surgery my ovary and tube had to have been removed- it would be making this a little easier- because then at least I would be working with having only one functioning ovary and tube- not two and whatever other faulty equipment that refuses to maintain a healthy pregnancy for more than a few weeks.
I have just been referred to a psychiatrist- for OCD like issues- this doc doesn't have any idea what he/she is in for, because I have kept everything so bottled up for so many years- I have (again Irish if you read this, remember what I told you earlier- nurses make horrible patients- and I admit, I am one of the worst- 'Do as I say, NOT as I do') taken so many psych classes throughout my college career, I have a 'special' talent- not a great talent- because it doesn't benefit me except on the stage- I have learned to tell people, shrinks, family, etc- exactly what they want/need to hear to make them believe that I am perfectly fine so that they will go away and leave me alone- depressed- me, no, I am just peachy, I was just having an off day, everything is great- hell, I functioned throughout much of high school with daily migraines, I even had a few days of jobs where I had to function with close to debilitating migraines- as soon as the day would be over and I was safely in my car or at home I would completely lose it- start throwing up and curl up in a ball on the floor and want to die- pop a ton of benadryl and advil and tylenol- grab an icepack  and attempt to sleep it off so that I could put on my academy award performance the next day- now I just don't have the energy to all of that- I have tried and I just can't pull it off any more- at least not as believably- and I have learned- why lie about my issues- that is not going to get them fixed, and I am getting worse, not better- they are getting to a point where I sometimes can't function, it is affecting my life, my marriage, and my job.
I had post-partum depression after all 3 of my miscarriages- I can't imagine how much worse it would have been had I carried any of those pregnancies to term or close too it- my hubby had even mentioned several times prior to any of the pregnancies that he was concerned about my depression and pregnancy- sometimes I do wonder if there was a reason that I can't maintain a pregnancy- maybe my children are being protected from me- I wouldn't be all that surprised- I would hope that I would never doing anything that crazy, but I know that hormones and everything else kind of take over when you don't get the appropriate help, so that is what I am doing- I am finally getting the help that I have needed and ignored for a very long time- hubby is a little concerned, but I think mainly it is because of finances- but we will make it through- we have been here before, not this bad, but we can do it, I know we can.

1 comment:

Irish Girl said...

I am so SOOO proud of you! Good for you to taking that very difficult step. I too found (during my psych nursing class!) that I have some OCD tendencies. Haven't written about them because I'm sort of not a great patient either (already) and honestly I feel like I have way too many other bigger issues like getting through school in one piece. Not healthy, I know. But what I'm trying to say is, you are definitely not alone. In any of this. :) Keep us posted!