Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Still at home, waiting, sleeping.....

Well I am still at home, now the only difference is is that I am no longer getting paid- I am now on unpaid medical leave- my FMLA runs out 5/10/08; I can go back to work before then, I am really hoping that I am able to go back to work before then, because there is no way that we can pay our bills on my husbands salary alone. Once we get our taxes back that will help for a while, but not for long. I am trying to find a position either at my current hospital or at another hospital or somewhere else where I wouldn't necessarily have direct patient care so that I can go back to work safely, but nothing is open in that capacity- I have even looked outside of nursing but things that I am qualified for are either a huge pay cut that would really screw us (which I don't think would make a difference- it is something unlike now- where we are getting nothing) or they don't have any benefits which is not an option- I have to have medical insurance.
It is just getting frustrating- my husband and I are fighting more and more, which isn't helping my stress level which in turn causes me to have more headaches. He doesn't understand the part of my medications and their side effects, he doesn't think my pain doctor is being aggressive enough or that I am being aggressive enough in getting my doc to understand that I really need to get back work. I am having more anxiety, more depression, more anger and frustration than ever, even with my medications- all I seem to be doing when I am not crying is sleeping. My headaches are getting better, my side effects are pretty much staying the same- I don't feel that I can safely do my job, which would put not only my license in jeopardy- that I worked so hard to get in the first place- but I don't feel safe taking care of a live person- especially a newborn- I work in the department that I do because I want to be an advocate for patients' that don't have a voice- how fair is it when I don't feel that I can do that safely- I keep screwing up my own medications on a weekly basis- I just wish that my husband would understand a little better. I understand where he is coming from, finances are a big deal, we need to have a house to live in, electricity, gas, telephone, medications, insurance, etc- but if I can't work safely I don't know what else I can do- I am at a loss. All I know is that I don't have the energy to argue with him or my Dad anymore- I know that they are trying to look out in our best interest, but I just can't do it any more. I am too tired. I hate to say this, but I am so glad that we don't have children, because I can barely take care of myself right now, I know that I would not be able to take care of a baby by myself right now. I just want to crawl into a hole and go to sleep- have everyone stop yelling at me- I want to stop feeling like I have let everyone down, like I can't do anything right- like it is all my fault that everything is going so wrong.

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