Newest Addition to the Family- Please Don't Copy :)

Let me introduce you to Galen and Deanna Kasel- my baby cousin got married on my hubby and I's 11th anniversary, but I wouldn't mind sharing it with any other couple! They are so sweet and I love them both tons! And they are both just so darn cute- this is just a proof I 'borrowed' from the photographer- Jason Ropp- he did an amazing job- I think the ? mark says don't copy- so please (don't know why you would) don't do that- but had to share my newest family member with you all- because she is beautiful and amazing- they truly complete each other!

The 'Step-Mom' Email

Well, even though she isn't technically dh's step-mom, I think she would make a great one and will become a part of our family. She sent a picture of herself to dh today and she is a beautiful person again with a beautiful soul. Dh is sending her a link to his journal and our hand fast montage from last year as those are our most recent pictures until the wedding photos come up some time this week. She sounds like she shares some of the same views that we do. Maybe we can all meet someday.

The Party!

Well, he knew all about, but let me think that he didn't- I love him! So he wasn't surprised, but he was able to spend his 40th birthday with a bunch people that care about him, so it all worked out very well.

We got a phone call before the party from dh's half-brothers' Mom- she looked us up. Dh's bio-dad passed away about 4 years ago- they had not seen each other or talked to another for over 30+ years and when we finally tracked him down he had a massive heart attack 4 days later and died. So now any info we can get comes from other people. Well, dh and this new person in his life talked on the phone this morning for almost 2 hours- the conversation was beautiful- they had looked off and on for him, just as we had looked for them over the years. I can't think of any better of a birthday present that dh could have gotten than to learn that his Dad did think about him over the years and did regret the pain that he caused and to gain 'new' family. Happy Birthday honey.

Back from the wedding-

Well, the baby of the family is now married and it was absolutely beautiful- I will post pics later. They were married on the beach and it was a beautiful sunny day, I am so happy to share my anniversary with them- they are both so special- I cried! Their guest book was a scrapbook that everyone made a page for, I made 2- one with pics of my cousin growing up and then a special page telling about how I married my best friend 11 years and now today (that day) he was marrying his best friend- it a pic from our wedding and one from their wedding announcement- today is my honey's 40th birthday and we are having a surprise party for him- will blog about that tomorrow. So far it is still a surprise :)

Tick Tock, Tick Tock....

It is 3:45 AM and I have now been awake for over an hour and a half! I am tired, would so much rather be asleep, but I am awake- I even just made breakfast, if you can call it that at this hour.

Today is a good day.

Today I got up at 5:30 AM (after going to bed at 1:30 AM) and did my AM Yoga DVD- then I still felt great and had energy so I woke dh up at around 6:45 AM and asked if he would like to go for a walk before it got to warm (yes, it is finally going to warm up here- we are scheduled for about 5 days of Summer!), he actually agreed! So around 7:30 or so we went for a 15 minute walk around the neighborhood- it felt great! Then I came back, pulled some weeds and then came inside and baked some Watermelon Muffins. They are currently cooling and dh is actually out doing a project in the yard- it is a good day!

Good Days and Bad Days

Well this pretty much describes my moods and life right now. I have to admit that it much easier letting my true self through, but sometimes it is very scary and embarrassing. 

Yesterday I had my first breakdown in front of my Dad- and it made HIM nervous, how do you think it made me feel?! It wasn't so thrilling or joyful for me either. All I was trying to do was explain that I might at some point or that my fear is that I might at some point have to go further than a psychiatrist- I may need inpatient therapy. I attempted to explain that I cut and colored my hair to keep some control in life- or do something that I have control over. Note to self- do not talk about anything like that with my Dad ever again- it did not go so well- he started yelling, I started crying, then he started to yell at me to stop crying- well that doesn't help. You get the picture. So he went into the pharmacy by himself and left in the truck to 'finish' my crying 'fit'. Well as per normal I relaxed eventually and then fell asleep. 

Having a mental disorder sucks, it makes life confusing, being happy isn't just happy- you have to ask yourself or what until someone tells you that you need to calm down because you are being manic- so what I thought was happy was actually out of control mania- life around our house is never predictable anymore. I am afraid to have people over unless they KNOW, and even then I am afraid to have them over for fear that I will make an ass or fool or both or hell just annoy the crap out of them like I do to my husband on an almost daily basis. 

No I am not going to do anything stupid, that is why I choose to cut my hair and get it colored- I have never colored my hair before, and had always vowed that I would never do that to my hair (causes too much damage, blah blah blah blah) and now I am so excited about the possibilities that I can do with my hair color- things that I never had the guts to do before. I can do this and not hurt anyone or myself. I had also thought about getting a new tattoo- the amount of money that I spent getting my hair done I could have gotten a great tattoo, but I wanted to get it for the wrong reasons right now- you see my first one didn't hurt, it was just annoying and kind of tickled, I wanted it this time to see if it would hurt, to see if I could feel the pain- that is not the reason to get one- not the reason I want to get my next one. 

Yes, these are some of the random thoughts that rattle through my head every day- fun huh?! NOT, I saw my psych yesterday- my Abilify got increased- I am now up to 10 mg every day, today was the first day that I took that much and I spent the day sleeping, don't know if it was from the med increase or if it still from being completely wiped out yesterday. Having basic side effects from my other meds- mainly dry mouth and insomnia- like Wednesday, I didn't GO to bed until 5 AM (yes Thursday morning) then got back up at 8 AM (yep, 3 hours later) because I was wide awake. I took catnaps here and there in the truck while my Dad took me around to my doctor appointments and then I didn't take anything to drink with me so I didn't take my anxiety med when I was supposed to and by the time we were done and sitting in the pharmacy for the second time (I didn't have a breakdown this time- I got to go in) I was starting to have a panic attack and get really anxious- so when the pharmacist finally got all my meds filled we had to go over to McDonald's to get a drink so that I could take my anxiety meds so that I wouldn't flip out on the 20 minute (felt like 2 hours) drive home. 

I guess I finally crashed at about 8:45 PM with the start of a headache (after telling the pain doc that I had been doing great) and slept pretty much all night with the occasional wake ups here and there- but did not get up until almost 7 AM this morning- that is the longest that I have slept in over 2 weeks! And then I still slept most of the day today. Go figure. But hey that is my life lately in a nutshell.

New Haircut and Color.....

Feeling okay

Well, so far, so good. Thank you to the anon. commenter- I guess that was something that would have been nice to know 3 years ago when we had our first loss- but supposedly that was one of the safe meds to be on. I had originally been on 3 BP meds at the same time (I had very high out of control BP) we got me off of the 2 that were incompatible with pregnancy and kept me on the verapamil as it was the safest- now I guess it wasn't so safe after all. Well, too late now- I am supposed to be seeing my GYN sometime soon for my yearly- I will have to ask him about it.

Anyway, I am not sure if the abilify is kicking in or not- I think that it is trying- I am having better days than before- but I am still having bad days- I am starting to have manic days that are very noticeable. My last one was 2 days ago- I got my hair cut and colored- I will post pictures- I think it turned out really cute- I know have bangs and the color is very cool! It is kind of a dark black cherry- I love and the guy (Mark) that did the color and the cut was tons of fun- I can't wait to go back and see him again in 6-8 weeks to get a touch-up, it is kind of addicting- we are thinking of doing something different with the color of bangs- leaving the rest of my hair dark and something lighter with my bangs- it is so exciting- I had never colored my hair before- it was exhilarating .