Friday, May 8, 2009
feeling better
Today was a better day. My meds are slowly kicking in again- but unfortunately I am back at the beginning stages so they are making me really sleepy. I have spent the last 2 days at my parents house so that I would be somewhere that was safe and not home alone. My husband and parents were afraid to leave me alone, I think that they still are. I have to gain their trust back and promise that I will continue to take my meds everyday, like I am suppose to and that I won't stop them again. What I did was scary and stupid, I don't know why I continue to do things that hurt not only me but those that love me. I keep thinking that my husband will one day leave me because I am broken and crazy- but every time he tells me, promises me that he isn't going anywhere- my parents do the same thing, yet I continue to try and chase them away; and that is one of my biggest fears to be left alone, maybe that is why I do it- to make sure that they aren't going anywhere.
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You have heard the saying "You hurt the ones you love the most"
Your husband and your parents, family have always been there. They are in this world with you, they feel your love, your joy, your pain. But you are in control of how this feels to you.
When I was a young child and young adult I was not happy unless I had people with me all the time. I didn't want to be alone. But as I grew and became better in my own self I was okay to just be me doing things that I loved. I had been left by my Mother and lived with my Grandparents until I was 7 years old, so I really did believe that people I love could or would leave me.
I am so glad you are doing better, and I know you will improve with time. You are a care giver, when you are much better, maybe you should think about being a valenteer even if it is a hour a day. Just a thought.
Arney is still in alot of pain. He is on drugs, so he will sleep.
It will take awhile before he is out of this pain zone.
I am so glad you are on my blog...sence I am a crafter, it is nice to find others that do the same. I Love yOu, Mary
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