Thursday, May 7, 2009

something stupid

Yes, I know that I know better than to mess with my medications myself, but that is exactly what I did- or didn't do, depending on how you want to look at it. I just decided Sunday that I was done taking my pills so I didn't refill my weekly pill container and well it didn't kick in until yesterday when basically everything had cleared my system and I had a major breakdown/panic attack. We were supposed to go out with friends last night, instead I was in bed with a migraine, calming down from the biggest panic attack I have ever had, and having my entire family worrying about me and trying to figure out why I did what I did. I don't even know why I did what I did, except that I hate taking pills everyday, I hate being 'crazy'; I want my old life back, but I know that that isn't going to happen- that makes me sad, I miss my old life before- so what if I was a little manic or didn't pay attention all the time- was that really all that bad- I want to go back to before I lost any of my babies, I want that pain to go away- I don't want their memories to be gone, just the pain of their losses. Why did we wait so long, why did we listen to the wrong people and wait? I feel like it is my fault because I didn't make my own choices, I didn't listen to my husband when he was ready to have a family which was a long time ago- no I wanted to wait and go to school and have better jobs and where has that gotten us? More pain, and a breakdown and me doing stupid crap.

1 comment:

Shopgirl said...

My Sweetpea, I have done the same thing. I had to learn over time that no matter what, I had to take the pills. I think what happens is you kinda get in a good place and the mind says, I am fine. Then you are thinking I don't need those pills, and you stop and pay the price. I haven't stopped in over to years so that is a good sign. What you are going through is not a choice, it is a condition. Regret will brake you down. The choices you have made are not bad ones, they are human. You did what you thought was right at the time.
Be well my little heart!
Arney is in the hospital still. He is mostly asleep. I am not sure when he will come home. I am thinking Saturday, but he will want to come home tomorrow.
I will tell him that you send love and kises. He will like that. He misses you too.
It has been a busy week and will be really hard for the next 8 to 12 weeks. Yikes.
Today was get the house ready for his coming home.
I love you so much Sara, more than you can ever know.
Your, Mary