something stupid

Yes, I know that I know better than to mess with my medications myself, but that is exactly what I did- or didn't do, depending on how you want to look at it. I just decided Sunday that I was done taking my pills so I didn't refill my weekly pill container and well it didn't kick in until yesterday when basically everything had cleared my system and I had a major breakdown/panic attack. We were supposed to go out with friends last night, instead I was in bed with a migraine, calming down from the biggest panic attack I have ever had, and having my entire family worrying about me and trying to figure out why I did what I did. I don't even know why I did what I did, except that I hate taking pills everyday, I hate being 'crazy'; I want my old life back, but I know that that isn't going to happen- that makes me sad, I miss my old life before- so what if I was a little manic or didn't pay attention all the time- was that really all that bad- I want to go back to before I lost any of my babies, I want that pain to go away- I don't want their memories to be gone, just the pain of their losses. Why did we wait so long, why did we listen to the wrong people and wait? I feel like it is my fault because I didn't make my own choices, I didn't listen to my husband when he was ready to have a family which was a long time ago- no I wanted to wait and go to school and have better jobs and where has that gotten us? More pain, and a breakdown and me doing stupid crap.