Changes and Decisions

Well my doctor's office finally got back with me regarding an estimate for a procedure that I need to have done. Part of the procedure will not be covered by my insurance until 2011, which really isn't a big deal as I wasn't planning to have the procedure done until after the 1st of the year. So now we have the estimate and it is really a lot less than I thought that it was going to be- now it is getting up the courage to do it. The procedure is one that I need to have done, we have talked about with my doctor for over a year and when I had my last issue with the cyst and the ER we again discussed it. The problem is that this procedure will in a sense throw me into surgical menopause which will also render me completely infertile. When we first discussed the procedure it seemed like something that would be so far away that I really didn't think about the repercussions of having this done- I really thought about when a few months ago we were in the office having another ultrasound and my doctor asked what our plans for trying for a family was for the next 1, 2, or 3 years were- I reluctantly and tearfully answered that we were done trying. He sat down with us and explained what needed to be done in order to stop the cysts, take care of the endometriosis and the painful, heavy cycles- but in doing so we will be completely ending any chance of having a family in the future.

Knowing all of this it has taken me 3-4 months to finally call the office to get the financial information. They wanted to know if I wanted to set up a pre-op appointment and of course I backed out of this telling them I will call them after the first of the year to schedule an appointment. Richard wants me to know that he fully supports whatever decision I make- he just wants me to get with all of my girlfriends and let them know what is going on so that they can be there to support me. He is afraid that I am going to have this procedure done and then have a complete breakdown- which is a possibility- I don't want this to happen but it isn't always something I can control and this is taking a lot of control away. In my head and even to an extent in my heart- I know that we are done trying for a family- both now and in the future- but it scares me to know that this will be permanent and final.

The other problem is my coumadin- I have to go off of it prior to surgery and the last time we checked on going off of it for a procedure it was a great big process because I am on it to prevent blood clots- for that reason I guess I can't just go off of it for a few days prior to the procedure, no, I have to go back on the Lovenox(subQ injections) then stop the coumadin, stop the Lovenox the day prior to the procedure then re-start the Lovenox and the coumadin after the procedure then I am on the Lovenox until my coumadin levels are back to therapeutic levels- which this last time I re-started the coumadin it has taken over 6 months to finally get it back to therapeutic levels- where we have stayed for the last 4 months or so.

I guess my counselor and I will have a lot to talk about when I see her again on the 5th and then I see my psych the following week- so I guess I make my pre-op for the middle of January. Merry Christmas...

Holidays Are Here Again....

Yesterday was the 2nd Angelversary for Olivia Grace- I hate that the memories of 2 years ago are still so vivid and clear. To an extent I am happy that I have memories of her but then I also wish that they maybe weren't so present. We had our annual Yule gathering at Kris and Kim's house- a few people made comments that they knew the day was difficult for me and that they were thinking of us. My family also had their get together last night- we went to the gathering for Circle as it had been planned in November- my parents understood and agreed with our decision, I don't know how the rest of my family felt- probably won't find out either which is fine. I am actually glad that we weren't with the family gathering as all four of what I guess would be considered the great-grandkids were there- Alden is I believe 7, his sister Amelia will be 6 at the end of the month- Riley is 17 months and the newest member Layton is just over 2 months old. I am fine with Alden and Amelia- Riley is the one that I have trouble with as our last baby would have been a month younger than Riley- and I have never met Layton, so I don't know how I will react to him. When his mother announced that she was expecting and my Aunt also very enthusiastically announced that she was going to be Grandmother- I didn't handle myself as well as I would have liked too, but the announcement was also made as we were all gathering to go to the church for my Uncle's funeral. I pretty much avoided her during her pregnancy, which really wasn't that difficult actually as for whatever reason we really don't have a relationship.

Anyway, we got our tree up (a few weeks ago), Richard put the lights on it and told me that it was my turn- well I finally got up the courage, energy, whatever you want to call it and we decorated the tree and the living room last Saturday. It does look pretty, I am glad that it is done. We also put out a few extra decorations that we have never used- about 10 years ago while on a trip to McCall we picked up a very cute Boyd's Bear's porcelain cookie plate and mug set- for Santa. We picked it out as something to put away- I had always tried not to buy anything that would be for children as I felt that it was bad luck to have it in the house. We decided to go ahead and get it as we decided that if we didn't get it now it probably wouldn't be available when we did have children. It has been wrapped in tissue paper and the bag from the store it was purchased from and stored in various different places over the years- sometime recently it was moved to my china cabinet where I also store my nice cookie sheets- Sunday (yesterday) when I went to get the cookie sheets I found the bag and unwrapped everything and lost it- Richard was out shoveling snow, so I brought the plate and mug out and placed it on a table decorated with family photos and special crocheted ornaments and decorations made by Richard's Grandma Rutha.

So far everything had been going okay until I was getting ready for our get together last night and had problems with my shoes, my skirt and a few other things and I had a huge panic attack, which I haven't done in a while. Richard helped calm me down and we went to the party and had a very nice time with our friends.

I found out this morning that we have been invited for Christmas Eve to my Aunt and Uncle's house- I don't know if any of their boys will be there- for the last few years that we have gotten together for Christmas Eve they have been elsewhere- so we'll see this year- it may be the first time I meet/see the new baby.

Still have to got Christmas shopping- hoping to do that tomorrow or Wednesday- yeah I know, nothing like waiting until the last minute- oh, well.

Holidays

I had my weekly visit with my counselor, she is very caring and kind. Our project this month is to get me through the month. We came up with several activities to do starting this weekend and lasting over the next several weeks. Part of this activity is to help get me through December/the holidays and part of it is to make sure that I am getting out of the house. Richard and I attempted to do one these activities last weekend- my parents gave us 2 passes for the Thundermountain Line- which the weekend after Thanksgiving and throughout December went from being a basic train ride 'The Horseshoe Bend Express' to 'The North Pole Express' complete with decorations, stories with Mrs. Claus, Christmas carols, milk and cookies and the finale a visit to the North Pole to have pictures taken with Santa Clause. We had planned on going the weekend of Thanksgiving, but we had our first storm that weekend making roads rough and go figure- I had a migraine and really didn't want to spend the next 3.5 hours on a train full of families and then by driving the new vehicle on icy roads in the dark to get home. Any way the lady that I talked to for the train said that cancellation wouldn't be a problem due to the weather and the fact that they are gift certificates- we just have to use them by the end of the year. So that is my project tomorrow- schedule our train trip hopefully this weekend- definitely will be one way to face my fears- be loaded on a train full of families and commercialized Christmas. I am trying to look at as wonderful time spent with Richard while seeing a beautiful part of Idaho covered in snow. Just hoping for decent weather for the trip there and back- get to see how the new truck handles on the mountain roads, so far it has been okay here in town- do have another storm slated for tomorrow, so we will see.

Still playing with the debate of whether or not to put up the tree. Last year was technically the first time we put it up- we did have the tree up in 2008 when we first bought it (yes, we have an artificial tree) we placed the new ornaments that we found (feathery angel wings) and personalized for our at the time 3 angels- when we lost Olivia a little over a week later we could no longer find the angels wings- so she doesn't have one. I have looked multiple places for the last 2 years and have not had any luck in finding them- we both really want to have all 4 with their own set of wings. Last year we put the tree up, Richard strung the lights and then it took me 2 weeks to decorate the tree. Right now I really don't want the tree and all the decorations out and Richard supports me in that decision- but I know that we wants the decorations- maybe not all of them- I do like having the tree up with the white twinkle lights and the kitties curled up underneath- it is pretty.

I don't know what we are doing as far as family get togethers. My Aunt that used to live in Oklahoma moved back here to Idaho in August really wants to get together with the entire family for Christmas